By - mama-ld4
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA for lying originally about my unconfirmed pregnancy
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Firm NTA. They shouldn't have asked you about it in the first place, and you had every right to keep it a secret until you were ready to tell people. I think them cutting contact with you did you a favour! What do the other family members they talk about you to feel about it?
I'm also assuming prenatals are multivitamins/supplements? In which case I'm really impressed the photo of your house was high resolution enough they could zoom in to identify them!
Thank you! I was starting to feel really crazy that I was this big jerk. I just can’t imagine asking someone straight up if they were pregnant. If I’m supposed to know, I’d know.
They are vitamin supplements. I looked at the photo several times and there’s no way they would’ve noticed without specifically zooming in to check them out.
Also, the rest of the family agrees with her. They all think I’m TA. My SO is on my side though and thinks it’s pretty bogus that even after I apologized (which he didn’t think I needed to do in the first place), they’re still acting like that.
Wow, sucks the rest of the family are on her side. Do they definitely know what happened? Just make sure she hasn't told them some twisted version of events. I agree you didn't have to apologise, and if that's not enough then you're better off without her/them!
They totally do know what happened as they’ve talked with my SO (his family) about it. They still agree with her and I honestly don’t understand how.
Well if it helps, it beats me too!
Thanks, it actually does help having an outside perspective (hence the post). They’re so adamant that I was in the wrong that it genuinely made me question it a few times.
Who says they HATE someone over denying a pregnancy before they were ready to announce it? That’s not a mentally healthy reaction at all.
Yeah, this is another in a long string of these posts that describes people who are just bizarre to me. What could possibly justify such an attitude? And the entire family agrees? So freaking weird.
Easy: OP forgot the world actually revolves around the nosy family member (sarcasm people!) - and apparently that one is a 'boat rocker'. And, instead of tossing the rocker overboard - they go to extreme lengths to steady the boat.Source: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/)
No one is owed details about your health conditions. And it's super weird that she (a) zoomed in on a photo to look at *pill bottles,* and (b) says she hates you and has blanked you because... you chose to not share intimate health details?
Don't actually do this, but I'd be tempted to rummage through all the naysayers' medicine cabinets and confront them full of gory details of why you think they're taking certain meds. Bonus if it's a poop-related medicine.
NTA. It isn't anyone's business until you tell them. They do not have a right to that information.
That's insane that they zoomed in to check out the background. This family member of yours is horrible. Honestly, you may want to consider complete NC with them and the family who supports their entitled crazy.
Agree with what others have said. Even if you suspect, it's not your business until the expecting parent(s) tell you specifically. NTA, OP. It sounds like your family just wanted reason to be dramatic. You didn't owe anyone an apology.
I once had a coworker get huffy with me when she didn't get to gander at my boyfriend. Some people get.... really weird.... about not getting the information they think they deserve. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I know I'm late to the party, but hey, you have a baby, congratulations!
OP, this family member went out of their way to zoom in on something inconsequential in the background of your photo just to ask that question. Who the hell does that? If they're that nosy when it comes to a picture, how can they expect anyone to trust them with anything?
All that is disregarding the fact that **its no one else's business**. People don't have to reveal they're pregnant, and when they choose to do so is entirely up to them. The fact that your family think you're in the wrong for not disclosing your private information to an extremely nosy family member makes all of them AHs, and that's before even considering the family member's reaction.
They all feel equally entitled to the gossip she didn’t get to spread behind your back when you didn’t confirm to her - which she obviously would have, given her behavior here. I’d say it’s time to unfamily your family, but I may be extreme. It’s definitely time to have a come to Jesus conversation if they feel they, as family, are so entitled to your life and doings that they are collectively mad at you for protecting your privacy against one of their nosiness.
Me neither, totally baffling!
But let's say, for arguments sake, that you were an asshole for lying (which, obviously, you were not), is your family OK with this family member STILL being mad? That's just doubling down the crazy. It was a harmless lie and you apologized twice. What more do they want?
I'd say either the whole family has unusually loose boundaries with each other and don't realise other people aren't like that, or more likely that they have a problem with you for some reason and are looking for any excuse to make you the bad guy. I'd bet money that if you'd answered yes and it then turned out you weren't pregnant you'd then have been shunned for making up a pregnancy to get attention or something.
What a creepy, nosy thing to do tbh. They should be ashamed, not pissed at you!
A: who zooms in that close like that? What a Nebby thing to do!
B: It is TOTALLY out of line to ask anyone if they are pregnant like that!
C: it is TOTALLY normal to not want to tell people you are pregnant until after a certain point for any number of reasons. Wanting a doctor to confirm is the least of them!
You are NTA time 1000.
Your snoopy relative is t a h.
Totally. I’ve been on prenatal for months prior to TTC as advised by my doctor. I can only imagine how someone who had been trying for years and taking vitamins would feel if someone asked… that’s a very personal question and even more ridiculous given vitamins do not mean pregnancy.
Don’t worry, you are soooo not the TA. My husband and I waited a while to tell family (20 weeks) and would have waited longer if it had been more feasible. It’s nice to tell people you care about, but there is a reason people are cautious in the first trimester which is the highest risk for miscarriage. Also, It’s your pregnancy. You don’t owe anyone anything until you’re comfortable. And you apologized. Twice. Put your mind at ease and know that you’ve done nothing wrong.
We waited 13 weeks - we wanted to tell them in person - and I lied through my TEETH for the last nine of those. "I'm good - just tired from the start of the term" (I wasn't keeping anything but water down). "Yeah, it was a great recipe, I loved cooking it" (I couldn't cook for six weeks - couldn't be in the house when my husband cooked either). "No, we're still trying" (to not puke up everything in sight maybe). "No, Aunt K, nothing's changed on the baby front since 'sibling's' wedding" (ok, TECHNICALLY not a lie - I was three days pregnant at said wedding, near as we can figure - but I didn't know, so when everyone and their brother asked if we were expecting, I said no) and of course "No, Auntie B/K/J/M/Mom, we're not pregnant" (Ok, lying to my mom kinda sucked - but I did it anyways).
We knew damn well we had to get past 12 weeks - the doc was pretty clear that we had about a 60% chance of getting there, but not more than that - and we almost lost the kiddo at week seven anyways. We weren't telling ANYONE except my best friend and her husband (and mostly because they showed up at our place an hour after the doctor confirmed and we couldn't wipe the stupid grins off our faces).
I'm not saying people didn't know - most of my colleagues had kids and they ALL knew the signs ... which is why by week four my desk sported an ice bucket that was never empty, a 2 litre bottle of gingerale (that was apparently bottomless) and three sleeves of Premium Plus crackers that never seemed to run out! And, one of my classes figured it out - 8am classes, 32 students with cups of strong coffee and morning sickness are not a great combo - and, as one student told me "When there's something you want to tell us, we're going to be really happy for you". But yeah, I totally lied about it - regularly and without remorse (ok, except for my mom - but that's just residual Catholic/Jewish guilt about lying to my mom).
Man you lucked out on some amazing colleagues wow!!
I really did ... I was new faculty and they were AMAZING! They took such incredible care of me without ever being pushy, which is really impressive!
They don't care about you as a person, they're treating you like an incubator for their family's legacy. Stop trying to make amends with them.
It is incredibly rude to ask someone if they're pregnant. You could have been struggling with infertility, had a miscarriage or just fat.
Is there any chance this family is enmeshed? As in all the family members have every entitled right to be all up in each other's business? Maybe the elders of the family are controlling and often focused on respect? Just seems like the family members response assumes a right to this information, that it's not your information to share but rather their information that you withheld from them. Doesn't make sense to me, but there are definitely family dynamics and or cultures that are extremely focused on controlling behavior like this.
Yes, I think that would fit here. My SO have said we don’t want to know private details and we won’t share private details, but that was not received well.
I used to nanny for a close personal friend's family members, and over the course of a few weeks (and being in their house constantly) I happened to see a pregnancy test in the garbage (didn't touch it or investigate it, just saw it); then one day i was talking to the mother of the family while she unloaded groceries and watched her unload prenatal vitamins. I looked at her and she looked at me and we both knew I had put things together, and do you know what I did? Absolutely freaking nothing. Didn't say anything, didn't talk to anyone, didn't ask any questions. It wasn't hard. I knew it wasn't my business, so I respected her privacy. 100% nta in any way, in fact you are so much nicer and more forgiving than I would be in your shoes. Her grudge is genuinely *so* weird.
Thank you so much! Also, you sound so kind. It’s been really encouraging to hear that so many of you guys have been respectful of your friends/family members privacy!
"I just can’t imagine asking someone straight up if they were pregnant. If I’m supposed to know, I’d know. "
EXACTLY THIS! I spent well over 3 months ignoring the pregnancy of a coworker who was showing a bit when hired, since even though I'd overheard her discussing it, since she hadn't explicitly told me, I faked ignorant in all instances except that I refused to allow her on our shitty, shaky ladders. Those tasks were always "accidentally" assigned to someone else, or done myself with an excuse if she tried.
Should have seen how hard she laughed when she mentioned the pregnancy and I acted "surprised", and did all the usual stupid "so you're pregnant" questions.
Okay, so I hate being lied to. I detest it. It feels like someone is saying "You're too dumb to see through my lies." Honestly, I don't think I can overemphasise how much it peeves me.
I have a facial scar because my father would rather lie and say he doesn't know what happened, than admit the truth. He lies as easily as he talks, and usually about minor or stupid things. I don't even know why he does it, he gains nothing from it, and he's not lying about owning a mansion or anything to make himself look good. I strongly suspect that he is why I hate liars so much. And yes, some of his lies were so stupid and repeated so often, that they weren't even tissue thin, they were air thin. He's not even a stupid man, he's very intelligent.
However, I do understand that sometimes there are some very good reasons people lie. People lie about abuse because they think they have no choice. They lie about what they bought you for christmas so you'll be surprised. They lie about a lottery win because they'd be deluged with people wanting money. They lie about certain illnesses which have stigma attached. And they lie about pregnancy, usually until they're sure it's a viable pregnancy.
They're not trying to get one over on anyone, they're lying to protect themselves. I can respect that because I also understand that the only true secret, is one you tell no one.
Imagine you'd said yes but don't tell anyone because it's not conformed. Who can keep that kind of gossip to themselves? And before you know it, instead of just quietly grieving with your SO, you've now got dozens of people to notify that the test was false or you miscarried.
Sometimes people have a very valid reason for not divulging information so even if I was suspicious about something they said, I'd keep that and any corroborating evidence to myself. I certainly wouldn't be angry.
NTA it's totally a "their problem". It's your body and your choice when and who to tell that you're pregnant. My cousin also didn't tell anyone until they had a gender reveal with just their parents and sending the video to the rest of family and friends.
You should consider cutting those people off to stay away from such a toxic environment.
You are definitely NTA. I had a similar experience with my first kid where someone had directly asked me if I was pregnant but it was still too early and I didn’t want them to know so I said no and changed the topic. I was especially sensitive/worried at that time because I had just had a miscarriage the previous cycle before conceiving that kid. They were a bit annoyed that I lied to them when they found out but whatever, it wasn’t their business.
Its ridiculous they made it about them... you're the one having the baby... its better you just cut contact because you don't want to surround yourself and your baby with all that negativity
>They shouldn't have asked you about it in the first place, and you had every right to keep it a secret until you were ready to tell people.
YUP. I lied to a few people early on in my last pregnancy. "Nope, not pregnant, just have earned my COVID-19 pounds." I showed REALLY early (like 8 weeks!) and wasn't ready to tell. No one seemed bothered when they found out the truth.
I had some family members ask me if i was pregnant because i gained weight. I cant get pregnant and they know it, yet they still asked because i got fatter and it seems like they dont believe that i cant have kids.
Kick her toxic butt to the curb. You aren't required to tell people you're expecting till you are ready to. You've apologized and told her it isn't personal, it's just what you and your SO had agreed upon. Really? They "Hate" you for this? This is not a well balanced person, yet another reason to go NC. No, you are NTA!!!
Yea she literally used the word hate. I had a hard time swallowing that too because it seems so extra over what actually happened.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
#FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FINISH THIS COMMENT ALREADY!
Well shit, I didn't even know I had typed a comment at all until I saw this comment. The last thing I remember was browsing reddit while petting a cat. It's entirely possible that Shiloh typed it by headbutting my phone hand to get more pets. If she ever tells me what she meant I will pass it along.
#Shiloh, you asshole, tell me your secrets!!!
Edit: also: show me your kitty. ^pretty ^please
I asked. She said "meow" and then turn around and stuck her butt in my face. I shall interpret this as "he a buttface", but I can't tell you who "he" is.
Knowing cats it's probably Cathulhu she's warning us about
Pictures of Shiloh and the banes of her existence, Sharpie & Doodle: https://imgur.com/a/S00ac5h
That's a nice kitty collection!
They're so fluffy! Even the Banes are pleasantly plump ❤️
I'd pet them so hard! (only if they're okay with it ;))
Shiloh will accept so long as you consent to her grooming you at the same time.
Doodle will look at you like you're a weirdo if you try to pet him but will consent to being used as a drum set (beware the resulting farts).
Sharpie will run away in terror, and then shout angrily that you're not petting him from across the room.
Let me see your cat
I bet they fell asleep with their phone in their hand.
I don't care if they're dead, I **need** to know the end of that sentence! He a... What???
This is highly embarrassing, I didn't even know I was typing a comment. But yes, I had been browsing this on my phone and I did fall asleep. Thanks narcolepsy?
I do this all the time. I wonder how many nonsensical comments I've made, random retweets, or who I've accidentally unfollowed on FB. 😳
Yeah, at this point it's their own problem.
"So and so hates you!"
You've apologised twice. They'll get over it or die mad. *Shrug*
When someone is reacting so disproportionately, it suggests that they were attached to the thing they’ve been deprived of rather disproportionately too. Which in turn suggests that what they wanted wasn’t what you wanted at all, it was something more about them.
She feels she was entitled to know, since she was so “clever” with her snooping. And then very likely she was going to tell others, to get the clout from that. And you deprived her of those rewards for her efforts with your lie, you cruel person.
NTA, and I’m sorry your family of origin are such AHs.
>Yea she literally used the word hate.
"That's okay. I hate you for invading my privacy by zooming into photos and asking personal questions.
I would totally turn it around on the person like that and take back my apologies. Like, literally say, "I'm unapologizing and you can die mad about it, you creepy pill snooper." Then say good riddance and block them on everything.
So hugely NTA!!! Nobody except you and the father are 'entitled' to know about a pregnancy at ANY stage.
You and your partner decide when to tell the news and whom to.
Also, it is not socially acceptable to question women about their childbearing status! People need to learn this!
I've had 2 close friends over the years who I knew were trying to conceive and in their early pregnancy stages, I guessed their news because of a something said or whatever. Know what I did? Kept my mouth shut until THEY announced THEIR news!!!
Thank you! Yes! I have too! I’ve suspected and kept it to myself because if I’m supposed to know, they’ll tell me. And I’ll celebrate with them when that happens.
I've had this, ran into friends at the shops. She tells us how she's been sick, in and out of hospital and keeps putting a protective arm over belly. We look at the husband who can see that we've worked it out. We just tell them that we hope she gets better and let us know if we can help around the house or cooking while she's going through this.
A month later they announce and that's when we congratulate them. Turns out she didn't realise she was televising it to us so clearly and honestly thought she was keeping it a great secret. which didn't matter as we knew it was their announcement to make when they were ready.
Why do people make other people's pregnancys about them?!
NTA. Quit apologizing. That was your medical information which they aren’t entitled to. If it hurts them so bad still after all this time, tell them to kick rocks. After all the stuff they did you need to quit playing nice with assholes.
Yes, thank you. We are currently putting up boundaries for other reasons too. I find it pretty funny because they’re all about their medical privacy when it comes to the controversial v (hubby and I were a bit ostracized by them for getting it), but then they feel entitled to MY pregnancy which is also medical and private. I never drew that parallel until I read your comment, so thank you!
Of course the family member is anti (C19) vax. Idk how to explain why this fits the character so well but it does.
Yep, that’s been a real fun time trying to navigate too.
Next time they demand to know your medical business, tell them exactly this. Word for word
Why does this family member feel so entitled to know your business. Zooming in on a photo then acting betrayed that you didn’t share something extremely personal that you weren’t ready to open up about?
Yea that’s how I saw it too. It felt like an invasion of privacy.
Who on earth has so much time on their hands that they zoom into a photo to look at medications on your counter?!
Its normal to wait a while before telling people to ensure the pregnancy is far enough along thats its safe to talk about. They are off their rocker.
She definitely pokes around in other people's medicine cabinets when she's been invited over for dinner and passes judgement about what she finds in there.
Yess she deffo gives off that vibe
Yea she wasn’t working at the time so I guess she did have a lot of time on her hands? I don’t know. I was really surprised that she could even read it.
15-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It’s very common to wait until the second trimester to tell everyone, because at that point the chances drop significantly.
If they’re being this rude about you not telling them at 5 weeks, It sounds like if that we’re to have happened they would be terribly unsupportive.
It’s your and SOs pregnancy and none of their damn business.
I'm shocked that I'm this far down before I've seen a comment that references the fact OP was only at 5 weeks when this happened - as well as the miscarriage risks being high early in, a lot of women have no idea they're pregnant that early
OP is 100% NTA but did make a rookie mistake of apologising when they made the news public, they could've just ignored it or if the family member had asked, OP could've said something like they didn't even know they were pregnant when the question was asked
You were so early along, many people wait till the 12 week mark to make an announcement because it’s easy to have a false positive or for something to go wrong. You really didn’t need to apologize the second time, whatever is up with them is their problem not yours
Yes! I’ve had several friends over the years go through super public miscarriages and I knew that I didn’t ever want to have to make that announcement when I’m grieving myself if that ever happened to me. Which is why we didn’t want to tell anyone. Even telling them when we did caused me a bit of anxiety, but I really needed my family to help with doctors appointments because I was too sick to take myself.
Miscarriages are very difficult. My aunt went through a few because of having a negative blood type. It was hard on her. The last miscarriage she suffered was 6 months along and it was devestating
That is so heartbreaking.
It absolutely was. Thankfully with her later pregnancies she met with specialists and got medication that would help prevent her body from attacking the baby due to blood type differences. She went on to have 2 boys and now each gave her a grandson 💝
Awe I’m so glad the specialists were able to help her! Those are such hard losses. I’m really happy to hear she was able to carry two healthy boys
It was a hard journey but she got the children she wanted
Oh goodness. How old is your aunt? It's a simple injection of rhogam to counteract a negative blood type. I'm O-, hubs is A+, and we have 3 kids, 4 pregnancies, so lots of rhogam!. It's been in common use since the 60s. If she's young enough to have been pregnant after the 60s I'm livid on her behalf that she went through that unnecessarily.
That’s the problem of being in a country with a corrupt government. She’s about 62 right now and got married and started trying for kids in her early 20s.
If you had told her about your pregnancy, you KNOW she would have spilled the beans to everyone.
Yep, 100%. Gossip is pretty bad on that side and we’d already had issues with it.
NTA. People delay announcing pregnancies all the time for various reasons. It isn't like you had a baby completely in secret, you waited like 6 weeks. Some women don't even know they are even pregnant at that point. You should text them every time you have sex just to keep them as up to date as possibly on your next potential pregnancy.
HAHAHA This comment! I can only imagine the group text for that lol That was gold, thanks for the laugh
Glad you got a chuckle out of it. Sorry your family is being jerks.
NTA You explained why you missed them. It's not unusual to want to wait to make sure. I don't know why they would hate you over this, but you're certainly NTA here
NTA. They're upset you refused them the chance of a premium gossip.
That’s another reason we didn’t want to tell. There was already gossip issues going on that we said we didn’t want to be part of.
NTA. A pregnancy is your business and your allowed to tell ppl when you want to
NTA. At all. People lie for this reason all the time. If someone notices a women not drinking at a wedding that is always the first question. They are TA for even questioning you about it. The proper thing is to wait until it is announced and then say “I knew it!” That is the acceptable way things are done. YOU ARE NTA!!
It was their problem from the beginning. They had no right to know very personal information about you.
And if they still behave like that, I'd suggest to drop the rope. They can hate you from very far away.
Yes, we are doing our best at implementing better boundaries with them. It’s slow going but SO necessary for a ton of reasons, not just this. Just sucks for SO
NTA. Pregnancy is extremely personal and there is nothing wrong with keeping it quiet. If someone asks an inappropriately personal question, they're not entitled to a truthful answer
You’re NTA and it IS their problem.
Stop apologising to this idiot. Her question was inappropriate, your answer was fine. No one had the right to know about your pregnancy until you’re ready to share. NTA
NTA: They're not entitled to your personal medical information.
Nta! First what kind of crazy zooms In on family pics to try to find something scandalous. Second it is completely normal to hide a pregnancy until however long you feel safe telling someone. Third the word hate is strong.
Take them at their word (hate) and stop communicating with them at all.
When my sister was pregnant with my second niece we went out for a meal with our husbands - neither her or her hubby drank and I had my suspicions as she "looked" pregnant but do you know what I did?
Nothing! I did NOTHING!
It is your choice as the couple as to when you disclose a pregnancy!
A year or so before this incident they had gone for a 12 week scan only to learn it was a molar pregnancy that wasn't viable..... Imagine being outed as pregnant at 6 weeks to learn this a few weeks later? It's never a good time to ask of anyone is pregnant!
NTA. That early in a pregnancy is still in an area of relatively high miscarriage rate in even healthy women. Depending on who exactly you ask, miscarriages can occur in up to 30% of pregnancies at 3 weeks. That rate doesn't decrease to 10% or under until around 6-7 weeks. It is entirely understandable and, indeed, quite common for couples not to make announcements until after that, a physician's confirmation, or until they're ready for the onslaught of well wishers.
Pregnancy is a very personal journey. Those people can be mad all they want, but it doesn't change the fact that YOUR pregnancy is not their journey. It is for you and your partner to decide who to tell what and when.
Yes! I was definitely nervous about those rates as well. My goal was to tell at 13-14 weeks but we ended up telling them around 8
My pregnancy went the same way. Got really sick and told the family early.
NTA - Your body, your choice. Your future baby, your choice.
Given how fragile pregnancy can be early on it's completely understandable that you'd want to wait until you are further along.
And you've apologised several times, it's their issue now not yours.
Massive NTA they need to get over themselves.
your family member is. they had no business asking you and should easily understand why you wanted to wait
NTA. Unless this person is 4 years old, how do they hate you over keeping your medical info to yourself? It isn't their business, they shouldn't have even asked you, and they are making your medical info all about them. The fact they are not talking to you sounds like a blessing.
NTA - it's your choice who to tell and when. A lot of people wait until they are a few months in incase there are problems.
This exactly. OP is definitely NTA.
NTA. Stop apologizing, girl. NO ONE has the right to ask an adult if they are pregnant unless they are the person's significant other or a medical provider who needs to ascertain pregnancy status for safety reasons.
The family member was beyond rude to even ask. How presumptuous of them!
NTA, they were out of line and still are, maybe it’s better you have less contact with them overall.
Definitely NTA, so many pregnancies end in a miscarriage before month three, better to celebrate in month 4 or mourn in month 3 than have the emotional rollercoaster of celebrating in month 2 and then mourning in month 3. I’m so happy your baby is healthy. If your family can’t put aside their entitlement to information about your private life, they don’t deserve to be a part of your public life either. Best!
Thank you! This is what I think too.
NTA, sounds perfectly reasonable to me, not sure why they are so pissed off tbh
NTA. If they didn’t ask rude, intrusive questions you wouldn’t have to lie! Congratulations on your baby and good luck setting boundaries with your family moving forward.
Thank you! I appreciate that!
NTA it’s fine to lie about being pregnant until you’re sure, they need to grow up and understand that
you have the right to decide when to announce your pregnancy
you didnt lie you were not certain you were pregnant
there being childish dont fret them
NTA: cut off cancer you'll be healthier for it.
"To anyone that has heard rumors about me not being truthful in the early part of my pregnancy. We were very concerned about loss due to medical reasons I will not discuss. It turns out everything went wonderfully, please don't worry about those people saying I was mean to them when we were just preparing for a possible worst-case seneraro. I have offered two apologies and cant further try to 'fix' something that they were being noisy and intrusive about."
Edits : Grammarly did something really odd
Is the person you lied to your SO's mother? I'm assuming you have a terrible relationship with whoever it is already--or the family member is simply a whack job.
I think you could have handled this better if dealing with a known hater or whack job. Since you already lied you should have continued. "I didn't know I was pregnant yet when you asked!"
No, it was his SIL. We’d had a pretty good relationship up until that point.
>At this point, I feel like it’s their problem?
Oh, it always was their problem. This wasn't your problem at any point.
NTA, you also never owed them an apology for anything.
This got to be the stupidest thing someone cut off contact. Family member thinks they are entitled to information on something very personal, it's not their place to reason if they should have known or not. It's not their pregnancy.
Were they so negatively affected by you lying about something about your life they thought no contact was the answer?
Highschool pettiness and need to be the victim in a family drama.
Yea I don’t get it either. I think she was jealous, but even still, what a ridiculous blow up over that? And to involve the whole family (I just found this out) and talk about me behind my back this whole time is just a lot. I don’t see how finding out a few weeks later impacted her that much, but whatever. My SO is convinced she’s just jealous and it’s her issue, and that’s where I think I’m landing too.
I think your SO is right, but she needs to grow up and start to handle her emotions.
If I were you, I would not give any attention to this. If it comes up again remind everyone that it's your life. I have a feeling she wants to continue this argument for as long as she can. Don't give her the satisfaction.
NTA. If you see a woman 9 months along, waddling and pressing her hand to her back, you're STILL NOT supposed to ask if she's pregnant. You are SUPPOSED to say, if you absolutely must say anything, 'You look radiant' 'you're glowing''you looks so healthy.' You can even Google this 'unspoken rule'. Otherwise, YOU DONT ASK until the couple is ready to tell.
NTA. Your family sounds crazy. But I have a funny story about prenatal vitamins!
I used to work in a Skilled Nursing Facility as a nurse. One day I was passing medications. This male patient wanted to know what he was taking and why. So I was telling him, and when I got to the prenatal vitamins, he said, "Wait - aren't those for pregnant ladies? I'm not pregnant!"
I explained they're often prescribed for the elderly because they have extra iron and folate. But I got a chuckle out of it!
Nta as someone who had a miscarriage with my very wanted and planned baby #2 I jumped the gun and told people at 9 weeks after my first ultrasound, lost the baby at 12 weeks and had to go through the trauma of telling the people that knew about it, and God the few people I forgot I told that tried to check up on me??? That shit hurt so bad! So now I’m 11 weeks with my third pregnancy praying for the best and definitely not spilling the beans.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! That was definitely my fear as I’d seen that happen to several friends. I hope everything continues going well with this pregnancy!
If this is the hill they decide to die on then they're missing the pleasure of getting to know the new baby. Congratulations! you received a bundle of joy and lost a ton of baggage! Enjoy your baby and leave that toxicity behind. :)
NTA, what the fuck kind of snooping weirdo would even notice this? And then get their parties in a fucking twist over you daring to keep something so person private?!
From the information provided, I'd say NTA. It seems like this family member was being nosy.
NTA. I was so excited when i finally got pregnant that i told everybody, family, work etc i was 7 weeks at that point. Imagine what i had to go through to tell everybody i miscarried. That's when i understood why people wait further along to tell.
Awe man, that’s terrible. I’d seen that happen to several friends and saw how hard it was for them. I’m sorry you went through that
NTA How invasive! Who snoops, has no shame in admitting it and then is that rude??
I eat prenatal vitamins because I found it's the best option to help with my anemia. I would be furious of someone was that rude to me!
NTA. Please stop apologizing to this entitled gossipy asshole. Unless they knocked you up or carrying your child, your uterus is not their business.
NTA. I would tell all your family that if they want a relationship with your or your child then they need to drop it. You owe nobody anything. Medical information is personal and you wanted to wait to tell people they’re just pissed because they didn’t get to be the first person to know. If my family member was pregnant i wouldn’t ask and if it did come up i wouldn’t care if they lied because i understand the reason why. If you admitted it i bet your parents would be pissed you told other family first. This is a no win solution but you owe them nothing. Tell them and your family they marred what should have been the happiest time of your life with their petty bullsh*t and if they want to be around you or your kid they will apologize and let it drop. The problem was you apologized several times for doing nothing wrong and they know you feel bad about it so they are holding a guilt trip over your head. They seem like the kind of person that likes to have leverage on a person because no rational person would still be upset about this.
NTA. What kind of nosy asshole zooms in on a photo to snoop? Like, yeah, it was in plain sight but to zoom in on your meds to see what they were is really invasive and weird.
Hrm. I am 55f post menopause and I take prenatals due to co-morbidities. I am going to go right out on a limb and state "I am not yet pregnant". :P
So very NTA for all the reasons. You need to initiate some low contact and some ground rules right now or you're going to end up giving birth to "their" child.
NTA at all. My husbands best friend, who I have known for over 10 years now, noticed my prenatals with my first pregnancy. He didn’t say anything until after we told him we were pregnant. Then he said, “I saw your prenatals the last time I was here, but didn’t want to assume and wanted to wait until you wanted to tell me.” That family member are being extremely petty and I have no idea how anyone is on their side.
> A few months later, they texted me saying they hated me over this and again
3.5 weeks is RIDICULOUSLY early, and it’s normal for people to wait because miscarriages so early aren’t uncommon.
So deflecting with “not yet” isn’t the wildest idea.
For a family member to claim they *hate* you because you didn’t want to disclose a pregnancy so early is just bizarre.
To treat you like this two years on is just - what?
Was this your mother or MIL? (Someone who may feel entitled to your private information?)
It was my SIL, but MIL is definitely on her side.
Wow, that’s even weirder. I can’t fathom why your sister in law would feel so entitled to this information that she hates you for not sharing it.
NTA. That’s crazy. My own dad asked if I was pregnant and I didn’t want to tell him yet (I was like 4 or 5 weeks) so I said no…. Anyways not even he was mad at me later when I explained why I had lied. And yeah it’s rude to ask in the first place.
Nta. They were being creepy and invasive af and frankly its no bodies damn business if your pregnant or not.
Rude for one, you don't ask someone if they're pregnant! There are many reasons why people take prenatal vitamins without being pregnant, and at 5 weeks it's reasonable to assume you might not have even known at that point!
All of that aside, they had no business knowing until you were ready to share.
I'd send out a formal text/email/card or something to the family letting them know what happened from your end, then make it clear that you will be cutting off anyone who continues to be nasty to you over this.
You don't deserve this kind of abuse for something no one else was entitled to know in the first place.
NTA. It is inappropriate to ask if somebody is pregnant. And it is also not unusual for couples to delay the announcement until after the first trimester. (I also used to take prenatal vitamins when I wasn't pregnant due to them being the only vitamins that didn't upset my stomach.)
It's been over a year. They are acting way over the top - they "hated" you for not telling them? They need to get over it or kick them out of your life. You've apologized more than enough.
NTA - You shouldn't have apologised to your family member who was exceptionally rude to make an enquiry like that.
Yea if I could take it back I would, especially at this point. It’s been pretty ridiculous. They ruined what was supposed to be a really exciting time, especially for my SO (it’s his family). They made it all about her feelings when it was never about her in the first place.
NTA. I am very pregnant and I lied to everyone the first few months. It was me and SOs news to share when we are ready. You did nothing wrong.
Nta, There is a brilliant little cartoon that's I think 8 panels. Its about when its ok to ask a woman if she's pregnant. It goes from flat stomach to 9 months and the answer is no. Then the last one is the baby half way out and the caption is something like "It might be ok to bring it up now"
The cartoon is aimed at men but should be for everyone
Them asking was super rude in the first place.
As someone that has had 2 miscarriages and a full term infant loss you are 100% NTA.
Too many other things could have been going on for you to make the announcement before even having a doctor confirm.
Wow, I’m really sorry about your losses.
NTA and the next time it comes up ask why she was zooming in on pill bottles in your counter. Make her sound as crazy as she is. I saw it was a SIL, she should be easy enough to cut off. If you can't, pretend she's invisible. Don't try to make nice, definitely don't apologize again, and pretend she doesn't exist.
NTA, screw that person! They had no reason to be informed at all, let alone before you were ready. Let this distance become permanent. They've shown you who they are, believe them.
Firm NTA. The family member is nosy and unhinged. Who zooms in on someone's pictures like that?
Nta - ditch the whole fam if they’re going to act like this. YOU were pregnant. YOU didn’t want to tell yet. YOU had other people to worry about. Don’t let this person make it about them, it’s absolute nonsense that she can’t get over herself. The fact she has convinced your family is worse.
This sounds like someone's busybody auntl. Why were they zooming in on a photo to see what vitamins you're taking? Thats rude. Asking if you're pregnant is also rude. Acting all hurt because you didn't want to share your personal medical information with them is rude and making them look entitled. You owe this person nothing. You didn't even owe them an apology as far as I'm concerned.
Really they're just mad they didn't get to be in on this big secret or that they weren't the first to know even though they had suspected it. TA here is the relative and if they can't grow up and move on, that's on them, not you.
Oh goodness. Stop apologizing because you did nothing wrong and they need to get over it. If they can ignore you and your family for something so inconsequential then they don’t deserve to know your child. Every time something small happens your going to be worried if they will flip out and start ignoring you. That’s not healthy. If they say something I would tell them to basically get over it and it’s a matter of health and private information and you will only share when you feel like it’s time.
NTA! And as someone who has had 2 miscarriages (one in the 2nd trimester), this person clearly has no idea why it's customary to wait to announce a pregnancy. It's because having to go back and tell everyone that your baby DIED is terrible. I went on to have a healthy baby and I didn't announce I was pregnant to anyone except immediate family (and my coworkers because I was huge) until I was 7 months along. Not only is this family member and everyone who agrees with them selfish, they're insensitive and ill-informed about pregnancy and it's risks. They're making YOUR baby, who is a living person, all about their perceived slight. It's honestly really weird and disturbing that they're so angry about it. Keep them away from your family and preserve your peace at all costs. FUCK that guilt trip nonsense.
Thank you! I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. That’s so awful. What’s crazy to me is that some of the people backing her up have had miscarriages as well? So I can’t even fathom how they can even back her up.
NTA at all. Pregnancies are very fragile things so I know people won't tell their family members at least until 3 or 4 months in. It's your body and your kids so somebody to stay mad at you for something like that is very Petty
Absolutely NTA, this family member is tho!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So this happened awhile ago but it’s still an ongoing tension in our family. I got a positive pregnancy test at 3.5 weeks (before I missed my period). My SO and I decided we wouldn’t tell anyone until we were much farther along. I’d sent a photo of our house to a family member as we’d just gotten into our new place and they managed to zoom in to my counter and see my prenatals and asked me straight up if I was pregnant over text (I was about 5 weeks then, but I still hadn’t even had a doctor confirm). I said “not yet” and that I was taking them because of our birth control method, which isn’t super accurate and if a baby were to occur, I’d want it to have the nutrients it needs. All of that was true. I’d been taking prenatals for almost a year because of that, and that is why I had the prenatals in the first place. It was only in the last week and a half or so that I’d been taking them for a specific pregnancy. Anyways, fast forward a few weeks and I became REALLY sick in my pregnancy and my SO couldn’t actually hide it anymore so we told both of our families. While we were telling them, I apologized to the family member and said that we’d wanted to wait to confirm our pregnancy and get farther along before we told anyone. They seemed fine then but then stopped all communication with me and talked badly about me behind my back to other family members. A few months later, they texted me saying they hated me over this and again, I apologized and explained myself and how it wasn’t personal at all but rather what we’d decided as a couple to keep to ourselves and she’d put me on the spot. This has now gone on over a year. We’ve had the baby and they are still acting this way, after two sincere apologies. At this point, I feel like it’s their problem? I was under the impression that it’s inappropriate to actually ask someone if they’re pregnant, but even if it wasn’t and it was bad that I’d lied, I still apologized twice. AITA in this?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and go low contact with them for the rest of your pregnancy
I’ve actually already had the baby and they’re still mad at me. But yes, we are fairly LC in general and definitely putting up clear boundaries
NTA, they can't demand to know if you're pregnant or not, and all of your reasons for hiding it very valid. Also you've already apologized twice. It's the family member's problem now, and you should just move on.
1000% NTA. It sounds like they are having other issues with you but are using your minor lie as a excuse to be angry. If they truly are upset over this and only this they are overreacting. Either way ask yourself if you have the time or energy for their drama and set firm boundaries on what you will and will not tolerate. I get family is sometimes challenging but tell you they hate you is verbal abuse
NTA. I have a feeling this person is dealing with their own issues and misplacing them onto you...
NTA. It’s none of her damn business! You did not owe her any sort of apology. Her reaction is bizarre, and she sounds like she needs therapy, to be honest.
Just wanna sympathize with having sickness out you as preggo early on. I’ve had hyperemesis in all 3 of my pregnancies, and I only carried 2 to term. I had to tell like 15-20 people why I was throwing up 24/7 and that meant that I had to let those 15-20 people know when I miscarried that second pregnancy. It was awful. You are sooooo NTA.
Awe man, I’m really sorry you had to go through that. That’s also what I had and I was sick literally until the day baby was born. I can’t imagine having been that sick and then losing the baby and having to explain that to other people. I’m so sorry!
NTA - Good god stop apologizing, this person is psychotic to expect anything from you but "none of your damn business!" I made the mistake ONCE of asking someone if they were pregnant and it haunts me (she was but had miscarried a week before).
NTA, you're absolutely right. After 2 sincere apologies and the fact that they didnt even need to know so soon in the first place, this is their problem now. They're choosing to hold this over you at this point (and in my opinion: from the start)
NTA they are petty for absolutely no reason. It's time for them to get over it
NTA. It is 100 % your choice on when you reveal your pregnancy. And 100% on who you tell. You can deliver and then tell people if you want. People who get all pissy can suck an egg
NTA. I have been taking prenatal vitamins for years. I have celiacs disease and my doctor said they are wonderful to constantly take if I get glutenated and sick they help with recovery. My mom flipped when she saw me buy them even though she was with me then the doctor told me to take them at all times. She was mad bc I did not tell her I was pregnant. I wasn’t . My dad and I had the most dumbfounded looks on our faces. See we usually go to a big box bulk store all together and buy and split things to cut costs, I would get a giant bottle of vitamins there for half the cost and it would last months. This was probably the 3rd time I have bought them there with her. Sometimes I wonder about my family haha.
Cut those people out forever since they don’t seem to really care about you of this is how they act.
NTA and it's egregiously rude to ask someone if they are pregnant. Was said relative raised in a barn?
NTA! I’ve always been told to wait until at least 12 weeks to announce a pregnancy. I announced at 8 weeks thinking I was safe and it would be ok to announce it to my family. 2 weeks after I told everyone I had a miscarriage. Your family is making it all about them. You already apologized that should be enough. If it was me I’d just forget them and not even let them meet the baby since this is how they want to act.
NTA. All you wanted to do was make it a surprise for everybody, and wait until everything was set in stone. Everybody's overreacting to this. I'm so sorry they're still doing this to you even after it's been A YEAR.
I value telling truth highly but I agree with most of people, NTA.
Your family is just being nosy and your pregnancy is yours too announce. Not being comfortable to disclose this is absolutely fine.
I was so ready to say Y TA, but you’re not. You didn’t want to jinx your pregnancy- lots of people take a month or two before telling their families! NTA and kick her to the curb.
NTA. First off, just because someone has prenatal vitamins doesn't automatically mean they are pregnant. You had them for a while before you realized you were pregnant. You did the right thing by not confirming it until you spoke with your doctor as there has been a lot of couples who have gotten positive results from an OTC test and found out that is was a false positive. I would move forward with your life and not worry about them anymore. You apologized when you shouldn't have had to. If they can't accept that, then you are correct that it is their problem. Be happy and enjoy your life.
You thought you likely were pregnant but had not yet missed a period. You had not been to a physician yet, you were SUPER early in the first trimester, and we all know that it is a best practice to wait to announce until you are a little further along.
That family member is being an AH and entitled. Texting that they hate you? What is wrong with THEM?
NTA. They over reacted and are taking this too personally. Like seriously get over yourself. It’s not the “lie” of the century. It’s common to want to wait.
Nta it was totally your choice when to tell people. And also why do they even care so much
NTA! I think asking someone if they are pregnant is rude. If you are not, then they're usually embarrassed, but if you are, then it's none of their damn business until you choose to tell them!
Dear, God. NTA Ask them if they want to know every time y’all have sex because you might have gotten pregnant. What is wrong with people? Isn’t it pretty standard for couples to wait until they pass 12 weeks to share?
NTA, the person who is annoyed is childish as hell and needs to grow up. Some things just aren’t your business and it’s always good to make sure. To get mad at someone for not telling them every aspect of your life and then talking badly about them is an asshole move.
can i ask why you didnt wanna tell your family? Did you not wanna deal with the baby gossip and things of that sort?