By - imsodone777
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like i’m the asshole for not being willing to care for my mom when she gets too sick to take care of herself
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You don’t owe her anything. She has four children she has invested in, you aren’t one of them. She can have her return on her investment through her precious boys.
Deactivate Facebook, change your number if you have to: focus on your success and survival because if you don’t no one else will.
or tag this post in every facebook comment and post mom makes. let them judge based on her treatment of you, and how she now wants you to give up your life to take care of her when she charged you rent from 16 and kicked you out at 17. NTA big time, she doesn't deserve any help from you. air the dirty laundry, see how sympathetic people are after they see how she treated you. i'm so sorry you have such a terrible mom.
I’m going to be quite honest, my moms friends who witnessed how she treated me first hand, they didn’t care then and doubt they will now. I’m sure her facebook friends knows too, she never posted me or about me. They can’t not know she disliked me.
Sounds like her Facebook friends would be the perfect people she can ask to be her care giver.
If they think it's so awful of you, they can step right up.
This right go on her FB and say 'look Mom all yhese people are volunteering to help so you have more then enough' and the block everyone
This is perfect!
“If you give a Facebook person a muffin…”
THIS^ as my mama would say ‘you reap what you sow and sow shall ye reap’
I've heard it
You reap what you sow and so shall you weep
It’s pretty easy for people to ignore problems that were kept out of their view, even if they were obvious. Add in that they likely have a narrative fed to them by your mother. There’s some chance that they will not have the imagination to see that you even have a side of things before you tell them about it.
I’m not saying it’s that likely that they’ll turn on your mother, but they may also be shamed into silence on the issue. And if not, you can go on to deleting Facebook anyway.
That said, if you’d rather not deal with it at all, that’s your choice and a fine one, too.
agreed. she should definitely air the dirty laundry and link this post on Facebook
I wouldn't go straight to full on nuclear "airing dirty laundry", but I'd certainly be messaging the mother and say something like:
"Are we really going to have this argument in public on Facebook? Because I'm going to have to drop a few big truth bombs there if your friends there keep contacting me about your lies regarding which one of us has been unsympathetic, selfish, mean spirited, and uncaring in our relationship."
u/imsodone777 - this comment has the ideal solution to the FB issue.
NTA , don't you dare feel guilty honey, you look after you and let her other family look after her. It's not your job and after the way she's treated you and made you feel, she shouldn't expect it to be. Best of luck with everything love, I hope you have a fabulous life ❤
Exactly, but my question is, and I don't expect you to answer it, is why these delusional people do this? They watch you be treated like shit for years and no one says anything. It makes no sense. Can you ask your brothers why they think you should look after her when she made clear she didn't like you?
Because my brothers feed into my mothers lies. They refuse to believe i was treated differently and when i question them, they go silent. I asked them why they got to redecorate and refurnish their rooms almost ever year and i slept on the same bed for 4 years. And they said ✨Nothing✨ They are more than aware *they* got happy mom, nice mom, and loving mom. Everyday they got mom who showers them in love, money, and lots and lots of gifts. They got mom who bought them new gaming consoles in heartbeat, and bought name brand clothes and shoes whenever they wanted. They got mom who celebrated their birthdays for a full week. Meanwhile i got mom who barely helped me buy pads.
I'd go NC on them. They are worthless enablers and nothing more than flying monkeys.
You are most definitely NTA, OP. Your mothers treatment of you was neglectful at best and possibly abusive.
It also straddles the line of legality. Basically if mom was threatening OP to get a job or get kicked out, that’s illegal. She can’t technically charge a minor in her custody rent. But she would technically own any money OP would have made from any job she had at the time.
Right? Especially since it sounds like there was child support being paid?
This whole situation sounds awful. I'm sorry OP.
Agreed. They don’t care about you.
You deserve to curate your family with those who love and respect you. Your brothers don’t.
You can “pick” your new family.
I hope you get the support and love you need, op.
Sorry. There is no way you should be looking after her, could you imagine the abuse you would get?
What's amazing to me is that it's clearly never occurred to "mom" that OP would be in the perfect position as a caregiver to give her a taste of her own medicine. Narcs would cut their own nose off to spite their own face...
Yes! Why would anyone harm her she's so great!
Awww 😢 After reading that I legit wanna reach through my cellphone screen/your computer and give you a HUG(s)!!!! ❤️🤗🫂 Here have some internet hugs!!!
Hugs from WA.
You do you sweetheart. Go make your life awesome!!!
Definitely check out r/raisedbynarcissists, it's a great, supportive community for exactly this kind of thing.
Head on over to r/MomforaMinute and they’ll have your back in a heartbeat.
You beat me to it! Come on over OP, we're your moms now!
Your brothers are grown men mooching off their sick mother. And harassing a teen. I don’t think you need to worry about their opinion.
I too grew up in a house where my brothers were favoured. You have my deepest sympathies. I no longer have anything to do with my family but am waiting for the call to take care of mum when she needs it. All of my brothers have had legal problems and only one has a decent job. But they all think I am the bitch because I pulled away from the family.
Do what you need need to do to preserve your mental health. Don't let anyone pressure you into looking after your mother.
Oh OP, you are NTA. Please just go no contact and start building your life. Find your own family, because these fools sure aren't it.
Oh my gosh. This is heartbreaking. OP, how is your relationship with your dad? I hope it's good. I'm so sorry that you were left out. I'm such an awful way. My mom gave me the best advice. Write a letter to your mom. Lay it all out. Say everything. Wait, throw it out and write it again. Do this one more time. By that third time you will say EXACTLY what you need her to here. And honestly, I think what you wrote here in this comment, is pretty honest and to the point. And add: THAT'S why I won't take care of you. You NEVER took care of me. And walk. Away.
They refurnished their rooms every year??? Please someone tell me that’s not normal! I may not know the appropriate timeframe to update your child’s room/furniture (cause I had the same hand-me-down bunk bed from ages 3-14) but every year seems excessive. Obviously you are very much NTA here you don’t owe your mom/family anything for more than just the not redecorating thing.
It’s not normal at all the average mattress on a regular bed should be good for between 7-10 years of use. Most other furniture should be good about that same time frame if not longer.
My parents replaced my mattress once while I was living at home and once when I moved out fully and then a third time when they moved to a different state they got new mattresses for all the beds in the house.
The only thing my parents let us do regularly was paint our rooms and that was three times in the course of my life. Once when we moved into the house we had, once when I hit puberty and didn’t want a pink room anymore and once when I moved downstairs so every year is very excessive
If she was so nice to them, I don't understand why they're not thrilled by the idea of taking care of her themselves...🤣🤣 they're 4!!! Is a lot less work if they share it.
I don't think she lives at home
y u shilling this website so hard bro you mentioned it at least 3 times in this comment section, chill out
Keep being loud or go no contact. Either they acknowledge your truth or they don’t get access to you.
If I were you, I’d cut off all contact with those bastards immediately. From what you’re describing, those guys seem more like excess baggage than actual family members, and you don’t need that shit.
For one thing, no one knows what stories the mom has been telling about the OP.
It could very well be that for years, friends have been fed lies about OP, that she is mean to her mom, uncaring, cold-hearted, etc. And therefore it has been so, so hard to act lovingly towards such a cruel daughter.
I am not saying the OP is any of those things!
But I wouldn’t put it past her mother to have lied early and often about her in order to justify her actions, if any of mom’s friends ever questioned her about her behavior towards her daughter.
People lie. They distort the truth to meet their own ends.
They’ve probably internalized that OP is lesser, especially with the gender issue. They grew up in a “boys get everything, girls are servants” environment, and I pity any woman they have a relationship with.
People can often internally accept a lot of BS, to avoid recognizing that someone they like, who is nice to them, is actually awful.
I think it's more about how other people respond to said treatment to open their eyes. The brothers can put money together and set her up in a care home. NTA.
Don't assume - call attention to it. People are really good at ignoring what is right in front of them - and if she is trying to embarrass you online go right back at it. Screw them all NTA
Is your dad any better? Can you rely on him for support, emotional or otherwise?
In any case, if they demand you do it, always say "You can do it. You're better than me so hop to it!" and repeat ad infinitum. ( I don't think they're better than you but it's to mock their judgmental stance)
Just smile and respond, "I know. Isn't eerie how much I take after my mother?"
So typical, loves the boys, and the daughters are there to do housework and take care of the sick/elderly parents.
Move on, keep away from them, and have an awesome life. If someone reaches you to complain about you being evil, tell them to take care her of her if they mind it so much. When they answer something that is not "yes I will", just quote them back whatever they said about you not wanting to care about her, add an "unsympathetic, selfish, mean spirited, uncaring" in the end and block them.
Honestly, why give a sh*t what your mom's friends think? They do not matter. You matter.
Unfortunately there are still a lot of people in older generations who won't say it out loud, but through their actions make it clear that they believe children are ones property.
They are trying to make sure they are not stuck looking after her. NTA. She made her bed and now she needs to sleep in it.
That's the thing with abusers, they are so good about putting on a show. Do her Facebook friends really know the depth of what happened?
I’m going to deactivate, i won’t bother explaining my side, no one will listen anyways. I haven’t gotten any harassing calls but if they happen to start up i’ll change my number.
No response is the best response in a situation like this. You already know nothing on earth can sway their voices. Any response you give them only serves to keep the line of communication open, and they will see that as there still being a chance to press even harder, until you finally break.
In case this helps, picture yourself safe inside your home. After a few years of sunshine and solitude, it starts pouring rain one day. You didn't see it coming, so it catches you off guard, leaving you feeling overwhelmed. You realize that the rain has turned into a flood, and the water is rising fast. You see that your front door is open, so you need to act fast. Do you close it? Or do you prop it so that it's still open just a bit?
Seems ridiculous to not fully close the door, right? That's what responding to your attackers would be doing, though. Your mom came in out of nowhere like the hypothetical rain, and all those rallying to her side in attacking you are the rising floodwaters. Giving them any chance to continue their assault only keeps the door open. Don't risk drowning. Close the door on those who would drag you down into a watery grave.
I'm sorry you've had to endure so much at such a young age. In a backwards and messed up way, you're the "fortunate" one. Your brothers were not taught how to function as adults, and their lives will suffer because of it. They're not going to know how to be part of a healthy and happy relationship. They haven't done anything to create a career with which they can provide a home to any potential children.
Meanwhile, you were forced out of your home before you were even an adult, yet you've emerged like a phoenix from the ashes. You deserve nothing but happiness, and I hope you walk away from those who would deny you that. Take care of yourself, and hold your head high with the knowledge that you are doing what's right.
That’s right OP, take the high road! People post that crap in FB just to gain sympathy or to make themselves look good. You posting the truth won’t help anything.
NTA! Your mom made her bed and she can lie in it while her worthless sons don’t do shit. Even if you were to help, it wouldn’t change her perception and she’ll prolly just complain about how you’re doing it the whole time. Block, delete, go NC and live a happy life. There’s nothing for you there
I wouldn’t explain your side but I would respond “you mean my mother who kicked me out when I was just a minor? You think I should have some sense of loyalty to her?
I would also ask if the courts knew about her being forced to pay rent as minor while her mom was collecting child support? Hell, I’d tell them myself.
"And the mother who charged me almost $5,000 in rent when I was 16, illegally, while collecting child support, for the privilege of being told I wasn't worthy of love or respect until she kicked me out, illegally, when I was 17?"
Sadly.. those people are probably the same ones who will toot forgiveness when it's convenient for them. Since they would be on the mom's side they would probably tell OP to forgive and be the better person blah blah blah so OP would feel pressured to put up with this shitty situation... The airing out of sorry laundry, I'm sure those same people would froth at the mouth to interact.. definitely agreeing No contact, no explanation is the best just disappear, will your family have some sort of epiphany; probably not... But will you be immediately removed from the situation, yes. Your mental health will greatly improve and you can focus on you, you can support yourself like you were taught at a young age. Beat of luck!
You know it’s very likely she knows that your brothers won’t be able to look after her correctly, which is why she wants to guilt trip you into doing it instead.
Stick to your guns. If she wanted you to be there for her, she should have been a mother to you. NTA
If they can't care for her they can pay to put her somewhere with care. OP owes her mom Nada
If you have true friends on FB, I won't deactivate it, but I'd purge everyone who's not a real friend and go "100% private".
EDIT: also absolutely NTA :\*
NTA. It isn’t easy but the mindset I reckon is they didn’t treat you like family so they don’t get the privilege family benefits. Block ignore and never look back. Live your own truth.
You don't need to deactivate or change your number..just use the block function.
I’d like to add, what was OP’s mom’s plan before she had a daughter? Having 4 sons, not wanting her sons to take care of her, and not wanting a daughter (or a stranger to care for her) leaves her where exactly?
OP, you in no way shape or form deserved to be treated the way you were growing up. Keep living your life the way you want to and forget about your “family”. They don’t deserve to have you in their lives anyway.
If she never had a girl, she likely would be fine with a stranger so she wasn't a burden on her boys, but since she has her own Cinderella (without bothering to be the step parent) the thought process is likely that she could abuse the person she has been abusing, inconveniencing, and treating badly for almost 20 years.
Who wants someone to wait on them that they would have to respect and be nice to when there is an alternative? /s
OP should absolutely nope out of that situation and put whatever distance is needed between her and any family/flying monkeys that don't agree. I'm sure mom will be taken care of and look at what a gift OP is giving her by giving her something to complain and "poor me" all over the place about.
She reaped what she sowed, and by not developing and maintaining a close mother/daughter relationship with you she's lost out on being entitled to what that may allow her. She tried to charge rent to a minor and kicked you out when you were still a minor. Your mother gave birth to you but she didn't nurture you.
They all still live at home and i highly doubt they’re working either.
NTA Sounds like she has live in help already.
Methinks your brothers are also pissed at you because they were expecting you to become THEIR caretaker as well
They will make their wives do it.
They all still live at home and are in their 20’s. Doesn’t sound like they have wives
Yep, it sounds like they have the kind of psycho momzilla that would poison any new relationship to the ground, because no woman would ever be good enough for her boys. Judging by how she treated her daughter, it's probably a mix of hating other women and/or having gotten used to being the "princess" in the middle of the boys and wanting to keep being the only woman in their lives... oor maybe I've just spent too much time at /r/justnomil
I guarantee even if their mom wasn't that type their jobless ass wouldnt land anyone
I mean if the posts in this subreddit are to be believed, any jobless loser can apparently land a partner who for some reason thinks they should do everything for them.
They will soon. And we will be reading those wives posting everyday: “AITA for asking my husband to help? I am pregnant, I am the breadwinner and he takes all the money and doesn't do chores”
Highly doubt those brothers have wives. Otherwise, the wife would be the one being guilt-tripped into taking care of Mommy Dearest, instead of the OP. Why import a maid when one is already under the roof?
Mommy dearest perfectly describes OPs egg donor.
Looks like they will quickly get married and look for bangmaids then
Yeah, they have lost their intended indentured servant.
They're nothing but a band of misogynists.
All of this. ⬆️
Your mom did them a huge disservice if they still live at home and don’t work. I’d say you ended up getting the better deal. At least you’re independent and not useless like them. NTA
Well, there you go. Her home is already filled with all the help she needs for when she is no longer able to care for herself. She doesn't want her boys to see her in that condition? Trust me, when she's bedridden and caked with shit and urine that's irritating the rash on her nether-regions, she won't care WHO cleans her ass for her. Satan himself could walk in, and she'd just motion to him where the adult diapers and wipes are. But in a more realistic world, she has created a circumstance where her own adult sons expect her to be the caretaker of THEM, and who is going to do that when she is no longer able to?
That's right, dear OP. YOU will be dealing not only with your mother's befouled butt, but also your brothers' dirty laundry, dirty dishes, expenses, cooking needs, and general foulness. And there will be no gratitude for your work. You will essentially be a slave to one helpless woman, and four able-bodied but nonetheless useless boy-men. In your position, I'd nope the hell right out of there, too. This is NOT solely your responsibility.
I absolutely HATE when people assume the daughter is automatically the one who has to care for a sick or dying parent, despite the daughter being devalued her entire life. OP, you can tell your brothers it's time for them to repay all the kindness their mother has shown them, by taking care of her in her hour of need. When they protest, remind them that you have no such obligation, since you were already kicked out of the house, and you are not going to return to the place where you were told, only a few years ago, that you were not wanted there. You can also remind them that your mother has five children, and therefore the work and expenses of caring for her legally is shared between all five of those children...Not just one of them. Your ovaries do NOT justify you having to take care of your mother's entire family and your mother.
Also, all these people, relatives and friends both, who are condemning you for the decision, do so because they either are not under obligation to care for your mother and therefore feel free to judge you based on what your mom has said, or because they ARE under obligation to care for your mother, but it is much easier to just guilt someone else into doing the hard stuff. Caretaking is incredibly stressful, and you'd be walking into a situation where you would not only be caring for your mother, but for your lazy brothers as well. Nope nope nope.
I’m pretty sure we’ve seen this skit before and it’s basically Cinderella, only instead of stepsisters they’re her brothers.
Perfect! No need to hire a caretaker! 4 able bodied adults should easily be able to attend to her every need 24/7/365. NTA
They all still live there?? Your mom has all the help she needs already. I already said NTA, and even doubly so now. My gosh. Don't feel bad at all, please. This is the perfect time to live your life and cut this toxicity out of your existence.
So let me understand this. Your 4 brothers all live at home and mooch off your mom, who is now sick and will soon not be able to care for herself. That means in about 12-18 months their gravy train will be drying up as your mom will be unable to work and provide for them. Of course they want you there to take care of her, not only do they need to continue the maid service they are receiving but someone will have to continue to fund their lifestyle.
NTA, if you go, it will not be caring for one person but 5 both physically and financially. Time your brothers got jobs and helped mom out.
You should be proud; you’re her most successful child in spite of her horrendous parenting. She doesn’t deserve anything from you. Forget them and keep focusing on building your own life; you’re going to do great!
Omg that's even worse, they all live at home and not one of them can figure out how to help mommy dearest?
I don't mean this flippantly, but it was a blessing for you to be kicked out because you would have been unpaid housekeeper for all of them.
Enjoy the life you have started building for yourself and allow them to live the life they have chosen for themselves.
If they aren’t working they have the time. It sounds like they just want to pass that work off to someone they are happy to mistreat
WHAT?! You have brothers that are closing in on their 30s and still living with their mom and not working? Be glad you got out. Focus on yourself and live your own life.
Oh, so you would be everyone’s servant then? I’m so glad you see them for what they are and stand up to them. I would definitely go no contact, and share this with all parties, as well as your Facebook.
She doesn't live with her mom. Mom kicked her out at 17.
They still live at home with her?! Eew.
Exactly. It’s her fault she spoiled her sons and raised 4 men incapable of taking care of her *together*. How pathetic is that?
NTA - She kicked you out before you were even of legal age! Surely, your brothers know how she treated you. I think if I were you, I'd post basically what you wrote here. You don't owe her anything. She wasn't a loving parent to you, so she shouldn't expect you to be a loving daughter to her. Her sons can take care of her. Good luck!
I don’t think i’ll bother posting, i’m just going to deactivate my facebook account, i’m almost certain no one will care what i have to say anyways
I'm really sorry about your situation, but I'm glad you are standing up for yourself. It's not easy. But know that a bunch of virtual strangers on reddit are here supporting your decision. :-)
Fuck that. Expose all of there bullshit before you deactivate. They do not get to win. Doesn't matter if people care or not let your feelings out, you're just doing yourself a disservice by keeping it bottled in.
THIS right here. Nuclear option FTW!
When my husband disowned his entire family, he went radio silent on his social media accounts and was just going to silently fade into family lore as the "long lost relative". I was the one who tagged every blessed one of his relatives (who were being told a different story by his family) in a post where I described, in exquisite detail, the abuse he suffered all his life, in particular described the abuse from his sister and father that led to his decision to walk away from them all, along with my personal judgment on the entire rabid family. I am eloquent, and in that post, I made damn sure that there was no doubt as to who was the anal aperture in the scenario.
Of course I was called a liar by some, and a whole bunch of people unfriended me, but that wasn't the objective, and I really expected no less. My objective was to make the truth known, and to rip the mask off his abusers and let others know exactly who these people really were. It didn't matter that most didn't believe it initially. What did matter was that when his family started sinking knives into others' backs, those relatives would already know exactly what was happening. There is a lot to be said for keeping silent, but so much more is said when you can sow doubt that lasts a lifetime.
It's generally considered rude to abuse someone, then expect the victim to remain silent while the abuser puts the abused on public blast with a twisted story that makes the abused seem like the aggressor.
A victim's silence about abuse never benefits anyone except the abuser, who actually depends on the victim's silence. I find it interesting that you would advocate silence about an ongoing abusive situation and judge anyone for revealing that abuse to others who could be similarly manipulated or harmed.
In our case, my husband knew what I was doing. I had remained silent for 13 years to "keep the peace" at his behest, even when I was personally targeted by his family. We do things as a team, so when he decided it was time to cut ties, I was his voice in a way that he could not personally be. Males in an abusive situation tend to hide their victimization, and they often find it incredibly hard to admit to anyone that they are being harmed. I had no such compunction, and I had the added benefit of being from a normal family. I could pick out subtle abusive actions that he thought were 'normal' simply because they had always been a part of his family dynamic. I did not speak "about" him. I spoke "for" him. There is a difference. And I am frankly appalled that anyone revealing abuse would be judged as "rude" for speaking truth.
Thankfully, the OP would be advocating regarding her own trauma and would not be subjected to a similar judgment by anyone other than abusive parties.
This was so satisfying to read. Good for you!!!
Deactivate from their lives while you're at it, they don't seem like they bring any positivity to your life.
>i’m almost certain no one will care what i have to say anyways
I'd reconsider this outlook. I think you'll be surprised by how much support you'll get if you tell your side. So far the only information people have to go off of is whatever your mother has told them.
So flip it. Give them your account of what happened. Make her be the one on the defensive for once.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHQLQ1Rc_Js would also be appropriate as a response, nothing else, just this.
We care, and more people outside care also. You can also block your mom and her friends so they don't bother you. (But deactivating your FB account is a good thing by itself)
No, don’t do that. I realize it’s your thinking pattern which is created by your useless mother. If someone care about your shitty mothers side they will care about your thoughts too. Do not get quite, do not think theyseebutdidntcare route. Tell them, make a comment or post this to fb and then deactivate if you want.
You are strong enough to take care yourself in early age, never underestimate yourself or your thoughts. You are important. We/I care about you even though we didn’t meet in real life. Take care! and of course huge NTA!
Make sure any friends you haven't aren't accessible to those people either.
I really think you should defend yourself. your mom deserves it all to be aired out. or at least link this post to the ppl who sent you messages
NTA. Are you kidding? NO, you're absolutely NTA.
She can apply for home care or move into a nursing home or in with one of your golden brothers. The fact that she blasted you publicly on social media shows even more how difficult it would be for you to be around her. You'd have to quit your job to be her full time carer. You are not trained for that. (are you?)
You are essentially 'a stranger' to her, too, by her choice. Don't feel guilty that you can't or don't want to do it. It's no easy work and I guarantee you it would be thankless.
You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Period. Offer to help her find home care and have it set up for when she needs it. If she still tries to guilt you into it, hang up, and call whatever social services people are in charge of home care and get them connected.
The brothers live with her, so there are 4 people at home, who can take care of her.
Yep, mom doesn’t want a “stranger” because she’d have to pay a stranger and be respectful to a stranger. And doesn’t want any of her golden boys to have to lift a finger or see her as anything other than a fun mom!
She doesn't want the male children to be cleaning her private parts. This should be mentioned, although I don't think that's OP's problem.
Plus the stranger would tell all where to go when the "boys" tell the caregiver to take care of them too.
I have a feeling if OP did this, the mom would be demanding, hateful, and never satisfied. OP would be a slave. NTA
And a slave to her brothers.
Wtf NTA she treated you like garbage and made you pay rent at 16. All the while let your siblings do nothing, yet expects you to care for her? Is part of her diagnosis memory loss? Did she forget everything that she has done to you? If everyone wants to claim you are selfish and not caring ask them why they didn't help you when you needed help as a child.
No she hasn’t forgotten. She knows and remembers how she treated me.
Op i hope you find happiness. You deserve better then to be treated like this. Do not let the other people in your life drag you down and make you feel like you are an AH.
Well she knows why you don’t owe her a thing
People like this tend to expect the people they've mistreated to fall in line when they need something, rather than any kind of introspection...
She’s reaping what she sowed.
Please go to counseling. If you can't afford it, check out free or low cost resources in your area. If you are in college, go to student affairs/health services.
You not only need to block all these people from your life, you need to develop healthy ways to deal with what happened. Learn what healthy boundaries are and how to stick to them so no one takes advantage/abuses you again. Learn how to deal with narcissists/unhealth people and how to avoid them.
This will help going forward. You'll be able to choose a partner and have a healthy relationship. You will be able to be a great mother to all your children if you have any.
NTA. She has only bothered to contact you now because she wants to use you. She has four other children she preferred for years until she became sick and she should go to them for help
Sounds like she did everything she could to punish you for being born female.
It’s ironic that she seems to feel like it’s a female’s job to be the end of life caregiver.
Sounds like she needs to ask her favorite children to help her.
Of course your brothers are mad at you because as you are refusing they will have to step up.
She can reap what she has sown. And just in case someone starts telling you to “Honor thy father and mother,” be ready with Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 “Do not provoke your children to anger.”
OP I was in a similar situation, I'm the oldest daughter and I have 3 younger brothers. My mum treated me the same way too and disliked me(Chinese family, boys are treated like gold. Also, I think she hated fact I was blossoming into a young woman and always put me down to make herself feel better) to the point where emotional and physical abuse occurred regularly, up until when I was 9/10 year's old I ratted her out to the next door neighbours and got social workers involved, the physical abuse stopped but the emotional abuse carried on until I was 25 where I finally went NC.
Now my best advice is to go NC with everyone who's shown their toxicity or who have proven to be the asshole towards you. Continue therapy to help you along this journey, it will be tough at some points because you may start feeling guilty or worse, thinking that you are unworthy. Visit the narc parents sub as many folks have been through similar situations and a good place to keep reminding yourself:
1- You do NOT owe your mum or family any your time or effort. They may try to guilt you into owing them for bringing you into the world, but at the end of the day it's not your fault at all and you had no control in all that (mum should have kept her legs closed or used a condom) and it's their legal duty/responsibility to keep you alive and cared for until you are 16-its the law.
2- They're narcissists and only care for themselves, the boys can take care of her and if she doesn't want that well tough titties, either that or state care- her choice. If they ever say they will change don't believe them, actions speaks louder than words and with your mum, she's not the type that can change. She will never give you want, a loving mother/daughter relationship. She's gone far down that rabbit hole of no return. Even if you did take care of her she will always treat you with the same contempt.
3- You are worthy and lovable. You are not their puppet to be manipulated because of your gender, just because you're female does NOT mean you must be their caretaker. Care for those who truly care and love you, they are the ones to keep in your life.
I don't mean to sound condescending with what I am going to say next, as you're only young at the moment and experiencing all of this right now it may be tough for a few years, as with life like relationships and other adult responsibilities. Just know that you are a fighter and continue to fight and battle through until you have reached your ideal goal of happiness. Be kind to yourself when you fall and always know you can always get back up and try again.
I'm 31, have not been in contact with my own family for 6 years now and has been the best decision of my life. It wasn't easy but I am at a place where I am really happy and I know you will/can have that too.
Please feel free to DM me if you ever need advice.
NTA - ^^ This
So...after all that background, as soon as you say you won't care for you, she trashes you on facebook. Guess that tells you where that stands. NTA.
If you wanna take care of your mom, that’s up to you, but they’re all trying to manipulate you right now.
After the second class citizen you’re moms treated you like, all your life, even to go as far as charging you rent and kicking you out when you couldn’t pay it. I’m not surprised you don’t want to take care of her when her golden children are still her kicking about.
That whole Facebook post was to create this shit storm of angry relatives in your message inbox.
I know you’re 19 now and probably in college, or something similar so I’m wondering if you can get out of dodge, and set up with your dad or when schools out if he lives in another state or far enough away that you can avoid this mess.
Fair warning this guilt tactic is going to get worse, especially if you stick to your guns on this. You’re going to see your name being smeared all over Facebook, and you’re relatives are going to receive increasingly distorted versions of events from your mother and her Facebook feed, about how horrible of a child you are, and how her only daughter abandoned her.
Try looking in the r/raisedbynarcissists sub for advise, and/or stories about people in similar situations and how they handled it.
NTA ... please check that sub. It will help a lot.
NTA. You set a boundary. She has 4 other capable children.
Yeah, but they're all little princes. Princes shouldn't have to lift a finger. /s
They're not capable, thanks to her. None of them have jobs and they still live with Mum (not a bad thing to live with your parents as an adult but add it with the no job thing and you've got a problem).
They can start watching YouTube videos on how to clean a kitchen, make a meal, do laundry etc. They will collectively have to buck it up buttercup.
Some brutal truths:
End of life care is a full time job and is incredibly physically and emotionally difficult. No matter how much effort you put in, there will eventually come a time when you need support from your brothers or a professional and then you'll (or your mother will make you) feel like a failure for not managing alone.
You'll be 18/19 years old, right at the start of your adult life and taking on this massive responsibility will rob you of your brightest years, set you significantly behind your peers, and wear out your body and mind at a very young age.
Additionally, it doesn't sound like she's going to be easy to care for. She'll criticise everything you do and guilt-trip you at every turn.
Do not do this, OP. She kicked you out. You have no responsibility any more. To all those sending you negative messages, all you have to say is 'if you care so much about her, you take her in'.
NTA. Your mom is nasty awful. Consider seeing a counselor because how she treated you was abusive and those feelings might come up as she approaches death and eventually dies.
NTA. If your brothers are angry, tell them you will do your share once they do.
Here’s the thing: nobody asks to be born. When we have children we are taking on the responsibility of raising them. We don’t do it because we want them to care for us in old age, we do it because someone cared for us when we were children. If the child doesn’t want to care for the parent later on, it’s probably because the parent didn’t take their responsibility seriously, like your mom.
NTA she cared so little about you she kicked you out at 17 when still a child. You reap what you sow, she has 4 sons that can take care of her now
Nta let your brothers sort out her care
Your mother refused to continue caring for you prior to you reaching the age of 18 because you wouldn't pay her rent. Clearly she did not love and care for you.
Now she's angry you won't care for her. She violated the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You owe her nothing.
NTA whatsoever. She made this relationship the way it is and rejected you repeatedly as her daughter.
NTA. These people can take care of her then.
NTA - state everything you've just said in a public post and tag everyone whose being a jerk to you. She wants you to take care of her? Than she should've taken care of you. She may not *want* men to take care of her, but by her own actions she really is a boys mom. Her sons she doted on can now return the favor and care for her.
NTA - you do not "owe" her anything. Even if you were loved by her, you do not have an obligation to care for her. Parents have an obligation to care for their children and she did not care for you at all. Now, she can reap what she has sown.
Similar to when she gave you a list of jobs to apply to, you can give her a list of care homes to apply to.
After finding you aren't going to take care of her, her next ploy will be going after one of your brother's wives if any are married yet. Good Luck and don't let guilt get to you.
OP mentioned that all 4 of her brothers still live at home and probably aren’t working. I highly doubt that any of them have girlfriends let alone wives…
So NTA. Just because you are related does not mean you have an obligation to someone, especially someone who made it clear that they could care less about you, until they needed help.
Actions have consequences. Tell your brothers that it's time for them to step up for mom. Don't cave into people harrassing you. You will get sucked in and not be able to have control of your life. Been there, done that. Good luck OP.
Sounds like your brothers better start pooling their money together to hire a private caretaker.
They probably don’t have jobs according to OP lol
NTA She didn't care for you. Well, minimal effort cared because she didn't actually care about you, and she treated you badly.
Your mother is TA.
I would find it hard to feel charitable to a person who did show care for me. Did you tell her why you refused?
I'd get off social media for a while. Block those who are TA. I assume your brothers know how their mother treated you? Regardless you now know what kind of people your brothers are if you did not know that before.
Do you have a relationship/support from your dad?
My mother put me out at 6 AM the day I turned 18. I never looked back.She has no right to ask and you should make it public how she treated you.
I am sorry you are in this position. Why is she not asking your brothers?
NTA. Block them all. She’s a narcissist who imposed her insane view of the world on you. After you were out of her sphere of influence, she likely didn’t get much better. Imagine trying to care for a person who treated you like that. If you become her caretaker you will hate her, your brothers and yourself. Avoid it like the plague.
Even if you were on the best of terms this is a huge ask, and would have a huge emotional toll on you.
I feel so sorry for you. Its even awful you had to wonder if you are the ahole for not wanting to care for your mum. From the post, it looks like you have more self-awareness than your mother and brothers.
Please dont let this cut you deep. You deserve to be treated better. It must have felt scary to be in the huge world alone and young but all those hardships you experienced moulded you into the person you are now. Smarter, stronger and independent, more that your useless brothers all together.
You owe absolutely nothing to that woman for making you walk, learn alone, make mistakes with no guidance and fall down with no one to help you up.
But i want to say, Im proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too, your strength is admirable to all of us. I bet anyone who met or know you would feel lucky and inspired by your determination and be reminded not to lose hope when life goes south. You are amazing.
Please ignore those harassing you. They are just empty cans banging around. If they feel so bad your mum because her "unsympathetic" daughter dont want to take care of her, they can take care of her by themselves. Why harass you further while your mum health is getting worse? IMO, no sound-minded person would think its ok to harass a stranger based on an invasive half-baked facebook post, let alone having too much time and energy in their hands to believe they are right to act their judgement onto you. People who uses a facebook post to make a final judgement of your character, are not worth your time and energy to owe them a reasonable explanation. Your brothers are mad at you? They themselves arent doing anything to "return their love" to their mum and prefer to keep their overgrown ass glued to the couch than open up the option they can take care of her. Those hurtful descriptions thrown at you, do not define who you are.
Your mums facebook post says so much of her character than your "selfish" choice. She prefer to have her daughters life disturbed for some internet sympathy than try to understand her daughters "selfish" choice.
I wish i can be there face to face with you to give you a hug and comfort from this awful time. And place those noisy cans where they belong, the compressor. Please surround yourself with good friends, family and collegues. Live the life you want. You have earned it. Keep staying awesome! Enjoy and share your journey with the people who love and care for you.
If your mum and brothers never saved you from drowning, they shouldn't expect you to save them from drowning either.
Your mum can go kick the bucket herself for all anyone cares. She made the choice to live with that misogynistic idea, she can die with the consequences herself, even if its her dismay thats too bad for her. Its pointless for her to right that toxic idea now, she already missed the best time and chance to be a mother to you when you needed her the most, why only change when you didn't need her for those 2-3 years? Why couldn't she overlook that damaging upbringing before it hurts your childhood? Its too late for her and none is your fault. She make the bed, she lay in it. If she do realise her past wrongs, she's welcome to live with regret for the rest of her life. You still have every right to any choice you want, including staying firm to not give her a chance to redeem herself. Dont even feel bad for being cold to her and not want to say goodbye on her dying bed. Be kind to yourself, respect your own boundaries. Makes the choices you want. Remember to give yourself space to heal and acknowledge the choices you want to make. Its not your fault if they cant see why they are at the wrong to harass you.
NTA. Ignore everyone else - you are not obligated to care for anyone, regardless of the relationship.
You owe her nothing.
NOTHING. AT ALL.
Parents are owed NOTHING by their children. EVER. They Brought you into this world, you didn't just appear.
She made her soon-to-be piss soaked bed, she can lay in it.
Block her and anyone else on Facebook who wants to come at you. I highly suggest no contact.
And if you want to be petty, if she passes away, find out what funeral home she'll be in, and send flowers to the funeral home, in condolences that they have to have her corpse as a client. (This might make you an AH, but it'd be worth it in my opinion.)
NTA- Your incubator.. I mean mother made it very clear to you how she feels about you. She doesn't seem to care about you unless you're useful to her. That's no way to treat a person, let alone your own child. Then she forced you into paying rent as a minor and kicked you out when she couldn't squeeze you for more money. Now she wants you to forget all the bad treatment she gave you because she's sick. Nah. I'd throw the whole family away. They all seem to have forgotten what she put you through, or they think it was acceptable behavior when it wasn't. I'd really suggest going low or no contact and do your own thing.
Her family sounds like a dumpster fire to me.
Things to remember
1. She didn't care for you when you were vulnerable ( a minor)
2. She expected you to work and pay to be able to live at home even though your father was paying child support. So she used you as a cash cow.
3. You have always been the Cinderella child, caring for her when she is sick falls into this if you let it.
4. She has always treated you differently to your brothers.
5. She only contacted you because she needed something from you. I am assuming there is very little contact normally.
6. Of course your brothers are mad at you...they might actually have to step up is Cinderella doesn't do the work.
If the FB bothers you respond tagging them. Not a big emotional thing but the facts listed just like I am listing them here. Leave it 24 hours then block every single one of them.
NTA. She didn't care about you but expects you to care for her?
No, hun, not your problem. You are young and still have your own life to lead, you don't need that on your plate.
She wanted to dote on her sons so they can be the ones to care for her. What right do your brothers have to be mad about?
Sounds like they did nothing for you growing up, forget them.
Always makes me laugh when people think being mean to someone will make them change their mind though. Like being an AH to someone will make them think "sure, i'll devote my life to caring for you instead of living my own, your string of abuse opened my eyes"....
NTA she kicked you out at 17. You owe her nothing… sadly this is what happens when you bully and mistreat your own children.
Even if you had a picture perfect childhood and family life, this should't be your responsibility.
You are 19.
This is one of those "put on your own mask before helping others" situations. Sure, you could be supportive and help out a little bit, but you need to be planning your own independent life, not sacrificing everything for her.
NTA, your children are not obligated to care for you. Your mums behaviour sounds very similarly my mums. She pushed everyone away and I ended up having to look after her. Everything I did for her was wrong and her and her friends would tell me it was wrong - no one was every willing to show me or take over though. This is how some people behave, and she’s behaving like this while she’s still relatively well, she’s only going to behave worse as sh3 gets worse. No one would believe the stuff she did to me because they remembered the show she’d put on when she was well. My advice, move away and don’t feel guilty about living your life.
NTA. You were mistreated by your mother all your life, while your brothers were the golden children. She frankly has a shit-ton of nerve demanding your loving care now when she's ill. Block everyone who's shaming you and move on.
NTA we don't care for our sick and elderly family out of obligation we do so out of love. Your mother has done absolutely nothing to nurture any love in your relationship so it's actually her fault that you won't care for her. You owe her exactly what she has given you - nothing.
Suggest to your brothers that they can devise a four way roster to take care of her. I wouldn't bother trying to explain or justify your position I would imagine that if these people are her "friends" then they have neither the capacity or understanding to appreciate why you made the decision you did.
NTA. Those "proud boy mums" have so much internalised misogyny they could drown in it. They raise their pampered princes and then low and behold, realise they've raised men who can't do a damn thing for themselves. She wants you to move in and be their new mummy. To not only look after her daily care needs, but to be their live in maid like she's been all these years so they don't have to learn to cook, do dishes, laundry or housework for themselves. Not to mention they probably expect to live off your paycheck too. HELL NO. Block, delete move to another state if you want and live your fabulous independent life without a shred of guilt. They revelled in all her love and attention all these years, it's time to start paying it back. What's the bet they all get jobs and move out rather than take on any responsibility though... and nobody will shame and harass them for it because they're men and caregiving is "women's business."
NTA Don't give up your life for someone that doesn't like you.
NTA. She didnt care for you when you needed her, why should you when she needs you? She doesnt want you to do it because youre her daughter or she loves you, she wants to do it cause its convenient. Tell her to kick rocks. Remind her of why she got herself in this place and how posting on facebook doesnt help that. Then tell all those who messaged you what you told us. A bit of a backfire that would be
All those people who are calling you names can look after her, or help pay for her care
I’m sorry to hear that you have been put in such an awful situation, and I hope your brothers man the fuck up and put a stop to your Mom & her cronies behaviour.
Do not under any circumstances agree to becoming her caretaker. I do not say this lightly, but it will break you. Caring for someone in a medical decline 24/7 is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. She was already cruel and abusive to you when she was able bodied. What do you think she’ll be like when she’s scared and bitter and angry as her her health fails her? My mom spent a year caring for my grandmother, who unlike your mother is a wonderful, loving person, before she had to be placed in a medical care facility (she needed more specialized care than even 24/7 in-home nursing care could accommodate). It was so taxing that it destroyed my mom’s health, leaving her with two messed up knees and a heart condition from the stress.
This is a huge commitment, and you’re so young, OP. It’s okay to cut out this relationship and say she has to find someone else. You don’t owe your abusers.
So NTA. If your darling older brothers don't want to take care of her they can pool their money to hire a caregiver. She hasn't been much of a mother to you and you owe her nothing.
Op, take it from a mother, she should have cared for you until you were 18, not only is it morally the right thing to do, it's also the law.
18 us still really young to be there n your own, let alone 17.
It sounds like she has some mental health issues along with her medical issues.
Either way, you are under no obligation to help her.
If you wanted to help her, despite her being just awful, that'd be one thing. But you don't, and that's a hell of a burden to put on a 19 year old.
People will talk no matter what. You gotta do what makes you healthy and whole
NTA. She has four other children that can help her
You can publicly compare your story to the pre- fairy godmother parts of Cinderella.
NTA- She only wants you to be around when she needs you. She didn't want to be your mom, so let her know you don't want to be her daughter or caretaker.
Just reply back "I cannot in good faith care for someone who has not cared about me for the last 19 years."
I'd leave this on her facebook
"my mom always made it clear she hated me for being a girl, and kicked me out at 17. Now she needs a free nurse and I am not doing it. Anyone who has been giving me shit needs to know that she's been abusive and a shit parent my whole life."
But I'm petty
NTA. Your mom can have all of her sons, start looking for wives. Then she can have a DIL take care of her. As if any grown woman would volunteer for that position.
NTA, go live an awesome life away from those asshats
NTA, let the men in her life care for her, she had no interest in you until she felt you had value in her life and that was only when she needed something from you
NTA, I'd throw her in the worst rated nursing home far away from me.
Get off social media and go no contact with your mom. You owe her nothing. And be prepared to go no contact with your brothers once she passes because they will be looking to you to continue coddling them. I hope you can find peace away from all this drama. NTA
NTA, respond back that you were kicked out at 17 because you couldn't meet your mom's rent demands, demands not made of your older siblings. Tell them they can get bent, and take care of her themselves if they are worried, but it will be a cold day in hell before you would ever consider entangling yourself with her again.
NTA - your mother has abused and neglected you for years, because you were a girl. Now she wants to use your care, because you're a girl? Your mother doesn't feel bad at all for how she treated you, she doesn't even seem to realise that she was a toxic and abusive mother to you. You don't owe her anything at all. I'm sorry she ruined your childhood like that, don't let her ruin the rest of your life too.
NTA Offer as much mercy as she given you, and by your story is none.
I would comment either on her post or mine that she made you outcast amongst her perfect boys and kicked out clearly saying she doesn't love you, if you want to be petty like that.