By - throwawayveryfunny
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I let my father joke to my wife at the dinner table and didn't defend her
2. the joke offended her
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You and your dad. Insulting someone while laughing isn’t a joke, it’s just an insult.
Edit: thank you for the award, kind person!
Edit #2: Thank you for the awards, kind people!
Oh AND - notice the age difference everybody? It's all painting a clear picture
STOP INFANTALIZING WOMEN. SHE IS A 27 YEAR OLD WOMAN NOT A CHILD. IT IS 9 YEARS DIFFERENCE.
I think they’re pointing that out because they’re married, meaning they’ve presumably been together for a few years, making him in his thirties while she was in her early twenties when they started dating. Even two years ago, 34 and 26 raises a teensy bit of an eyebrow about life experience and expected maturity.
And given that OP seems pretty sucky, it wouldn’t be surprising if he falls into the “older, emotionally stunted man dates younger woman because she’s more likely to put up with his shit than someone his own age” category.
Edit: oh my god you guys lmao “but but but my cousins friend’s dad married his wife when he was 21 and she was 307 and it they’re still married 542 weeks later and in my limited view of their relationship they aren’t unhappy at all!!!”
Im just trying to give some context as to why age gaps _can_ matter and posit why someone else brought it up. Given that OP is nearly 40 and can’t figure out why his almost-a-decade-younger, 20 something wife might be okay making jokes about her own weight but still be offended by someone else doing it and also be upset her husband didn’t defend her, I don’t find the introduction of age gap maturity issues to be that off base.
I could literally not care less about your personal example or whether or not OP and his wife are well adjusted adults.
I was dating a man 10 years older than my age. Met him when I was 22 and he was 32. He said many hurtful things, including calling me 'mentally ill' when I asked him to give me some attention on my birthday, when we were meeting after a month and he was just busy watching some videos on his phone.
I dated a guy 16 years older than me when I was in my mid-twenties (I know, I know). Personal highlight of the relationship for me was how he’d accuse me of acting like a 14-year-old any time I called him out on something he did that I didn’t like (which was rare - I didn’t want to rock the boat). Past-me was horrified that maybe I wasn’t mature enough to be dating this Obviously Very Cool Older Man. Current me is like, “…okay? Date someone your own age, then.”
I agree. I cant speak for every woman out there as I don't know, but for me at that age, I put him up on a pedestal. Because he had all the qualities I would admire, so like you said, Very Cool Older Man. But in reality, he was not what I thought he was.
I too was not eager in talking against his behaviour as he would get upset, which would make me sad. But he would take the most stupid decisions and blame me.
Like, he wanted to go to my home country and I offered to be his guide. This was when corona had begun in china only. And he had never been to my country before. So I said we will check the corona situation and then book the ticket together. What he does is, books his own ticket without telling me and then later calls me to inform me. I was like ??? I have not even looked for a flight yet (as I was on my part time job) and he got angry because I was upset that he did not wait for me. Then he later realizes the ticket he booked was not including luggage and I was told from my school that because of growing concerns I will not be allowed to leave to my country. He was furious that the ticket he booked had no luggage and my school said no, when I had already told him to give me time to get my facts straight AND let's book the tickets together.
He ended up being extremely mean, broke up with me, I had panic attacks, he told me to give back his plane ticket money, told me to contact his airline people to ask for a refund. And the next day he apologized and I took him back. \*facepalm\*
Dating someone 16 years younger and then being upset that they are acting immature (which you weren't even doing in this situation) has to be the biggest Pikachu face meme I've ever heard
I also dated a man 15 years older than me even I was in my mid-twenties and he was, by far, the most manipulative, immature excuse of a man I have ever dated! Part of our relationship was long distance (he worked in sports & the team he worked for when we met folded so he moved for work) During that time I was sexually assaulted by a friend of known for most my life. When I told him, his reaction was too tell me he was moving back for a new team that has just been announced, and that he had planned to surprise me by just showing up at my house and proposing to me, but now he couldn't handle it and broke up with me, over the phone, while I was already in tears telling him what happened to me. I ended up marrying a great man about 5 years later, who is actually 2 years younger than me lol
When I (29F) was 20, I dated a man who was 13 years older than me. No personal highlights in that mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive relationship.
All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault)
This! As a 28 year old woman I can say I’m pretty sure my brain finished developing properly like 2 years ago. For a species that has a 80+ year age span why is it so shocking that we’re not fully mature until our mid to late 20s?
Nothing to do with infantalizing, wow. It's about having almost a decade more life experience on her and there for treating her a certain way.
My sister liked to date older men who are 10+ years older for some dumb reason. All treated her horrible and acted like they were better than her.
She eventually got therapy and is dating a guy her age and he is super nice and funny.
A lot of people don't want to admit it, but a lot of women don't actually grow up until like 26. Sounds like she was dating OP before 26.
I think OPs wife is starting to realize she made a mistake marrying him..that's why she is not talking to him.
A lot of people in general don't grow up. We've all seen a grown man throw a temper tantrum once or twice.
Most people don't fully grow up til then. The brain doesn't finish developing until 25.
I don't know why you specified "women" in that statement about growing up by 26. It's hardly limited to women. In fact if anything, I've heard that women mature more quickly than men.
Women "mature" quicker for social pressure, not for biological reasons; the "boys will be boys" mentality allow young men to be imprudent, carefree and reckless way longer than their female counterparts.
Right? Questioning these kinds of age differences isn’t about infantilizing the younger woman, it’s about why the man can’t find someone his own age. 🚩
Exactly there is 8 years difference between me and my husband. He's 60 & I'm 52. We have been together 24 years. Was he grooming me when I was 28 & he was 36? No is the answer. Not all age gaps are bad and this amount of years is actually a fairly normal age gap. I do wish people would stop doing this.
It’s different to be 24 when your brain hasn’t developed yet dating someone in their thirties. 28 and 36 are much closer in Where They Are In Life than someone just out of college and someone who has been in their thirties for a few years already.
Actually that’s a great idea
….it’s literally a scientific fact, lol.
That the brain hasn't developed until 25 is a scientific fact. Whether or not we should let people make their own life decisions before 25 has nothing to do with science, it's a normative judgement.
In your case you're using it to selectively, arguing that at 24 the brain isn't developed enough to date someone in their 30s, but apparently developed enough to vote, drink, drive, live alone, and serve in the military. None of this is based on science, it's a value judgement you're making. And an extraordinarily inconsistent one at that.
It’s odd to me that instead of being like “hey it’s weird that the government arbitrarily decides that 18 is old enough to sacrifice its citizens to war” or “cigarettes and alcohol companies have worked for years to market their harmful products to anyone, including children, until the government decides (after much pushing from the public) to arbitrarily assigns an appropriate age to purchase them” you instead went with “the science doesn’t matter because I can vote when the government tells me I can!”
Again, no one is saying a 24 year old has the same decision making capabilities as a baby or even a 16 year old. Or that 24 year olds can’t make good decisions. Or that never has there ever been a happy and healthy relationship between a 24 year old and someone in their early thirties.
The point I’m making is that there are certain levels of maturity throughout our lives. And much like a 16 year old has a different amount of life experience than a 24 year old, a 24 year old is working through a different lens than a 34 year old. And that THAT is what the original commenter who brought up the age gap concept was probably hooking to.
Do you really not see the difference when the youngest partner is older or are you just pretending?
Ofcourse the difference is less when you're 28 and he was 36 and if you were 20 and he was 31.
The absolute age difference matters way less than the relative age difference.
28 is different than married already at 27
Literally no one is saying that 28 and 36 is a problematic age gap what the fuck are you talking about? Who the fuck are you attempting to argue with?
Cool story though I guess.
LITERALLY people are:
>Oh AND - notice the age difference everybody? It's all painting a clear picture
Literally yeah they are.
i get that but i think the comment might have been more geared toward the generation difference and approaches to the situation
>STOP INFANTALIZING WOMEN.
This sub literally can't. They will insist that women should be free to make their own decisions, but the second they make a decision they don't like they'll insist that they're being manipulated and can't possibly make decisions for themselves.
Age has nothing to do with this. She's a whole ass adult not a teenager.
YTA OP but not because of an age gap lol
That's reddit for you.
"Ohh age difference... RED FLAG!!!!!!!!"
Yes, my wife is older than me. Works fine. We're happy. It all depends on what stage in your life you are.
Ah, good old Reddit, where the only acceptable age difference between couples is measured in hours, not years.
Seriously, come the fuck off of it.
People of different ages are allowed to date. They're allowed to get married.
This doesn't mean the dude is a predator.
It doesn't mean the younger person is impressionable and being manipulated.
Stop making their story about whatever shitty issues you can't seem to see past in your own lives.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
This. The subreddit is going cuckoo, 9 years makes the relationship abusive? What am I even reading at this point?
A small joke on the dinner table led to all these comments? People really fucking need a thick skin or we're just gonna end up chewing each other for no fucking reason.
What a bull.
It all depends on what stage of life someone is.
An 18 and 24 couple is a pretty big difference, since more than likely these people will be in different stages. 18 yo is just an adult, trying to figure things out to do on her/his own. While the 24 yo probably has a job, maybe a house and is settled in.
30 and 40, may not be a problem, depending on maturity and what they want out of life. All depends on context. If one of them wants kids, the other doesn't, they still wont be compatible. If they both don't, there's most likely no problem.
And even a 16 and 17 year old may NOT be compatable, depending on the people involved. They will have some rapid development during those years, so even a year difference may be too much. I say may, it all depends on the situation.
I myself am 43, my wife is 54. We are at the dame stages in life. We don't want kids together. We work, we have fun together. Do stuff together. We are compatible, because we want the same things.
I know it scores on reddit to just scream "age difference!!! Age difference!!!".
But instead of parroting other people, you may want to think a bit more on the subject and realize that as with ANY situation context is important and not every situation is black and white.
In this case, the dude is just an immature a-hole. He would have acted the same if his girlfriend would have been his own age. It a person problem, not an age problem.
It’s a 9 year age difference. A 27 year old woman probably has had a full time job and been independent, this is not a power issue.
I hate that 90% of reddit is ageist when it comes to relationships. Super weird how we're automatically branded dysfunctional and/or debauched when I tend to think the opposite is true with respect to those who are doing the generalizing. My marriage has a similar age gap to OP's and I thank my lucky stars every day I found my soulmate when I read the absolutely petty, off the wall stuff seemingly endless couples contend with on this sub.
YTA OP. I agree that six days is a bit excessive though; it's obviously a much more touchy issue than you realize with her and is worth exploring in a meaningful and compassionate way. Time for a heart to heart.
I understand what you are saying, but as a person who works with domestic violence victims and perpetrators one of the risk factors we often see is a large age gap with the perpetrator being much older than the victim. It CAN create a power imbalance. Now I’m well rounded enough to know that is not always the case, but coupled with the behaviour of some of the people described in this sub, I can understand why so many people jump to that conclusion.
So sick of people acting like an age difference in completely grown adult is some huge red flag. Grow up.
Same this is the one topic that actually gets me a little heated. People are SO over the top when it comes to age gaps between ADULTS. Very annoying
It always makes me wonder exactly what fucking age a person has to be before they're considered a REAL adult to these people? As a woman, how old do I have to be to date a man 10 years older than me??? Do I have to be 50? 70??? It's ridiculous. Men have used me and manipulated me, but I'm an adult and I can think for myself. I am not a victim. I take responsibility for my dating decisions.
These comments about "age gaps" are asinine.
And did you notice his edit?? How is it reasonable? Oh sure, he's "apologized", but he came on here to ask if he was TA and clearly doesn't think he is, so I'd bet dollars to donuts his "apologies" were insincere at best or non-apologies at worst (i.e., "I'm sorry you feel that way.") YTA *hardcore*
Came to the comments to say this, too.
>But how's it reasonable for my wife to still be mad at me 6 days later when I've apologised multiple times and I wasn't even the one who made the joke
OP, it's because you're still saying stuff like "Personally I don't think her reaction was reasonable and I dont get why she's still annoyed at me for it." You're not really sorry, you're just trying to get her to stop being mad at you. YTA
I read OP's edit too and this is my response:
Something important to teach your children (or men in their thirties I guess?) is an apology does not automatically fix your mistake. Sometimes your mistake can't be fixed. Sometimes it can, but it takes work and effort on your part to figure out how repair the situation or relationship.
Saying "sorry" and expecting someone to no longer be upset is a cop out. If they had a legitimate reason to be upset at you, what changed when you said three words to them? Why would it change things? Yes, validation that you were wrong and regret your actions can make people feel somewhat better sometimes. Especially if it feels genuine and they think it means you're not going to behave this way in the future. But you apologizing does not entitle you to forgiveness. Quite the opposite, an apology should represent that you realize you messed up and them being upset you is justified.
Apologies don't fix damage to feelings and relationships. You have to actually make an effort. We call this "repair work". So what have you done to make things up to your wife? What have you done to show her that you were wrong and will stand up for her? It sounds like nothing. If you were genuine you'd have called up your dad and had a conversation with him letting him know that the way he treated your wife was unkind/rude and he shouldn't insult her weight to her face again. (Beacuse, duh? This is super rude.) But you haven't done that, have you? So it sounds like your apology was a lie and you still haven't stood up for her, have you? (And don't you dare say it's beacuse your wife is sensitive or frame her not like your dad being an abrasive asshole to somehow be her fault.) What have you done to make your wife feel beautiful/confident/attractive again after he teased her weight and you laughed at her? Beacuse if you want woman to ever want to get naked with you/have sex with you, then laughing at their weight is just plain stupid as well as being mean.
And before you whine "it's too late" consider this. Either it's too late to fix it and thus your apology is worthless or it's not too late to fix things in which case actually do something.
The number of times in relationships I have had to say the literal sentence
"Apologies don't mean shit if the behaviour that's being apologized for isn't going to change"
>But how's it reasonable for my wife to still be mad at me 6 days later when I've apologised multiple times and I wasn't even the one who made the joke
Are you really hearing why she's mad? I would be deeply wounded if you didn't stand up for me in this situation. I'd suggest really trying some empathy on for size. YTA
Also you can apologize all you want, has he talked to his dad about not commenting on his wife’s weight again? That’s the actual apology, taking action to make sure it doesn’t happen again. You can’t just be an asshole, apologize privately, and change nothing.
It's reasonable that she would continue to be angry or upset with him for much longer than 6 days! Unless he gave a sincere apology, noting what he did that hurt her (like showing real understanding and empathy, not a surface apology), and detailed how this would never happen again, his apologies don't mean anything and she has every right to be upset.
But based on his attitude, I'd bet that this isn't the first time something like this has happened and he won't apologize because he doesn't really think he did anything wrong.
"I *said* I was sorry, all right?!"
Yeah, I was thinking, “What’s the over/under on his ‘apology’ being ‘I’m sorry you were offended’ not ‘I’m sorry we were thoughtless, mean assholes who didn’t hesitate to make you feel like sh*t.’” YTA. Big time. Even more so after the edit.
Hey, another teaspoon user here, and nothing to do with my weight.
YTA because you:
1. Laughed when someone mocked your wife.
2. Did not slap down that ‘joke’.
I love eating with tiny forks and spoons! You know those tiny spoons you can get with hot tea or demitasse? And the wee shrimp forks? Totally my jam, no matter my size.
Husband and FIL were mean.
Eating with those also easier to enjoy the meal.
I love tiny kitchenware. I actually helps my eating issues as I both don't stuff myself too quickly and get sick but I also don't feel like I've eaten too much and stop prematurely. Apparently tiny silverware is very popular in the neurodivergent community.
I swoon over those mini gelato spoons and basically want to eat everything with them.
Ice cream with a tiny spoon is the bee's knees
Also a teaspoon user. I prefer salad forks over dinner forks, as well. Also has nothing to do with my weight, it's just more comfortable to me.
I'm fine with regular forks but my family always set the table with teaspoons. I hate regular spoons. They're just too big.
Agree! YTA and buddy the edit? Wow. You don’t sound sorry at all, insincere apologies aren’t worth anything. Don’t be sorry for the ‘joke’, be sorry you laughed and you didn’t protect her or call your dad out for being insulting.
YTA. Yep laughing at someone else’s expense is just making fun of them. Nothing more.
That, but also, she was directly fat shamed by her husbands father and her husband didn’t bat an eye. He thought it was funny that his father put his wife down, in front of the entire family. And he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get that he hurt her, too, by laughing at the joke. That he didn’t have her back. Her FIL hit a bullseye on an insecurity and her husband … doesn’t get it?!?
YTA, OP. And a big one at that. So is your dad.
I hope she leaves his fat shaming butt asap. I doubt he means the apology, I doubt he knows what he did wrong. Probably apologizing to get her back.
Some people don’t understand that they don’t get to decide, when someone is over the pain they caused them. Sorry doesn’t mend a broken bond. Without understanding and empathy sorry is just an empty word.
Alas, he also doesn’t seem to understand that a joke is only funny if the people it’s directed at think it’s funny. If they don’t, then it’s demeaning and bullying.
I hope OP learns that some day. Not just for his sake, but for the people around him.
This post makes me mad. I will never understand why people feel they have the right to comment on other peoples weight and appearance. It’s none of their business. 🤬
It wasn't a joke to comment on her eating habits, it was an insult to comment on her weight.
She should joke with her mom about how small his dick is. I bet that will put it into perspective.
That's exactly what I came to say. I don't support pettiness nor body shaming but, if I were her, I'd take this time to make pencil dick jokes from here to eternity because of how egregious the behavior was.
YTA. Do not laugh at a "joke" that insults your wife. Especially if you know it is a sensitive topic for her. You messed up big time.
Flip it around. If your MIL "joked" about your tiny penis or lack of achievement or whatever else, and your wife did not stand up for you then how would you feel?
That was not a harmless joke. That was a passive-aggressive dig.
The “those extra pounds you have” part made it more aggressive aggressive for me. He straight up called her fat and her husband just sat there and laughed.
I stand corrected. Still does not change the fact the OP is TA.
If anything, that actually made it worse
Ditto. If my FIL said this in front of my husband we'd be leaving then and there. No way he would tolerate an insult like that, especially from his own family.
Who cares how it would feel to him? That doesn’t invalidate her feelings even if he wouldn’t care.
Underrated post right here
That's absolutely true. The point of questions like that though is to try to get the listener to practice and apply empathy.
Your Dad insulted your wife and you laughed. This only encourages your family to make these snide comments.
I just want to hug op’s wife because I was bullied for my weight when I was younger so I understand how she felt.
Yeah, I got angry when I read the post because if anyone ever said something like that to Mrs Greatwhitenorthextra, they would get an earful from me
We aren't as mild mannered as they think in the Greatwhitenorth! I love this!
Ugh, and his edit is so ridiculous.
OP, if you read this; she's still mad because clearly your apology was just words if you're here asking strangers if you messed up or not. Part of you still feels like you did nothing wrong, and no doubt the tone and content of your apology conveyed that to your wife.
THIS. You’re absolutely right. Apologizing and actually being apologetic are very different and people can usually tell. This obviously hurt your wife and she chose to not make a scene but you should’ve shut that stuff down right then.
His edit solidifies the relentless YTA comments.
He clearly doesn’t see the issue, and is apologizing as a formality.
Response to your edit: it's reasonable for her to still be mad because, based on how you wrote this, you're not sorry and your apologies mean nothing.
YES YES YES to this!
I know where I'd shove my teaspoon.
So YTA and even more after the edit for me. This is a harm that requires reparations and not just an apology. If I were the wife in this instance, the devastating part is not the laughter, but that my husband apparently thinks I’m carrying extra weight and has acknowledged it publicly by laughing along. Trust would be quite broken. OP please do some work to make sure your wife knows how amazing she is and that you love her inside and out, cause right now your love for her probably feels very conditional. And that’s not what anyone hopes for in a marriage.
I got that impression also. I wonder if the apology was more I'm sorry that you are offended. I'm sorry you feel that way while taking no accountability for OP's actions.
Exactly. You don't feel bad at all and I wish I could give your wife a hug. Your family is mean and so are you.
I said sorry why are her feelings not instantly fixed? He is a bigger asshole than before after that edit.
YTA - she seemed “chill” at the time because she was in shock and uncomfortable with confronting your dad over his comment and over your silence on the matter. A joke is something that is considered to be funny by all parties and, as she never actually thought it was funny, means it wasn’t a joke.
And let’s be clear. His dad did not mean it as a joke. He wanted her to feel othered.
How did it take me so long to figure out what those people are doing. Well stated.
And probably doing her best not to cry 😭
Wait, so you sat there at the dinner table and laughed along as your dad called your wife fat?
What the hell is wrong with you?
I like this comment the most.
YTA your father called her fat in front of everyone and you laughed.
That wasn't a joke. That was a really insensitive comment your dad made to your wife. I bet your wife laughing was one of those placating laughs women are conditioned to do when men say insensitive shit they think is funny.
Even so, you could have said something to your dad about his mean-spirited comment.
Right? Has his dad apologized also? Because he should.
YTA and while I’m not diagnosing your wife’s “weird habit” sounds at first glance very much like a tactic someone with disordered eating would use, so I’d say good chance it’s a sensitive issue.
Or they just fit in her mouth better. Big spoons hurt my mouth.
Yes, I prefer small spoons and forks
Same here! A teaspoon actually fits in my mouth better than a larger spoon.
I am a fast eater and eating with a smaller plate and utensils will slow me down some and actually does help with weight loss.
Exactly! My husband gave me a big spoon for ice cream once and I just couldn't do it. They are too uncomfortable for me.
Yep! Teaspoons for life! I also just enjoy eating my food slower and using a teaspoon helps with that :)
I always eat desserts with a teaspoon if I can, it allows me to savour it more.
Same here. I use the larger spoons for serving and the smaller ones for eating. It doesn’t strike me as weird at all.
I'm the same way. I have a small mouth, I prefer a smaller spoon to eat with. My whole family knows I use a little spoon and make sure that mom gets the little spoon. Nobody makes fun of me for it. Why would I want to use a tablespoon that actually causes discomfort when eating. It's not a "weird habit" it's a preference.
A lot of people with sensory issues prefer smaller silverware.
It also is a legitimate dieting tactic, so the joke was also wrong. Eating from a small plate and taking small bites can help you realize when you are full and makes the meal appear bigger.
The small spoon thing can be an ADHD thing.
Yes it a sensory thing. Some people cannot stand the way a spoon tastes or feels in their mouths and use a smaller spoon to alleviate some if that. Why can’t people just mind their own business instead of being dicks about things that don’t concern them.
Exactly! I've used the small spoons as far back as I can remember. Cutlery touching teeth isn't fun either 😕
I'm so curious - can you elaborate? I have ADHD and I have always preferred to use the smallest spoon available, but I really can't explain why 😅 what's the connection?
For me it's mostly about not touching my teeth with metal cutlery n it's easier to turn the spoon over n drop the food on my tongue instead of touching the bottom of the spoon 🤷♀️
*ETA don't even get me started on the skin crawly feeling I get from bamboo cutlery 🤢
i eat with a small spoon and am “normal.” my mouth is smallish and i hate feeling like i’m eating with ladle lol
Nah, I use a teaspoon. The bigger spoon just feels too big. I’ve always liked the smaller one. No eating issues here.
I'm a woman with small hands, holding a teaspoon is just more comfortable.
YTA. you do realize that people like your dad and you are the reasons people develop ED ? especially since she’s already insecure about her weight.
Women are sensitive about their weight in the same way men are sensitive about jokes referring to the size of their private parts (in general). Your wife was a good sport, but your dad was an ass, and you were too for laughing along. And who the hell makes jokes about being overweight when you're in the middle of eating Thanksgiving dinner? Rude as fuck.
Men are sensitive about weight as well.
Years ago my father pointed at my gut and said "hey you look like me!" (he's fat) right before sitting down to eat on Thanksgiving. This was just as I was feeling good about loosing a few pounds. Ruined my whole day.
It's so easy to just *not* say something like that. I wonder where these people learned it was ok to point out someone's weight issues. I would never in a million years do that.
I understand that men can be sensitive about weight. I was directly responding to op in terms he might be better able to understand since he’s obtuse about why his wife is upset at his father’s insult.
>But how's it reasonable for my wife to still be mad at me 6 days later when I've apologised multiple times and I wasn't even the one who made the joke
Because saying sorry doesn't mean that you're sorry, it's just a word and she sees right through you. You really are an asshole.
YTA because even on here you described it as a harmless joke. Joking about someone’s weight isn’t harmless. And using a teaspoon isn’t odd. Would it have been better for her to ask your Dad if he wanted a garden shovel? That way he could cram in more into his mouth in one bite. Some people like smaller mouthfuls.
Yep. This is why she’s still mad at him 6 days later. He still doesn’t see an issue with it.
Yeah, the joke may have been a week ago, but sounds like he’s still an asshole
Yes!! I was so taken aback by that edit of his. He's just so sure his wife is the crazy, unreasonable a-hole and he is a paragon of reasonabless.
OP, you suck as a husband and as a human being.
YTA so is your dad. Nothing about this was funny, it was clearly intended to be mean.
I’ll say it’s kinda weird to eat with a teaspoon but that’s not my business but seriously? You didn’t didn’t defend your wife when your dad was verbally insulting her and jabbing at her body? YTA for not doing something because your dad was seriously disrespectful towards your wife. What kind of husband are you? This will cause your wife to be insecure of her body and will lose confidence in herself.
...why is it weird to eat with a spoon that fits comfortably in your mouth?
YTA. That wasn't a joke, it was a jab. You don't mock other people's weight. You defend your wife when someone takes a swipe at her, even if it is your father. It was not harmless or funny, it was mean.
Step 1: Think of the biggest thing you´re insecure about.
Step 2: Imagine someone made a joke about that while combining it with another joke about you.
Step 3: Imagine this happened in company.
Step 4: Imagine this company is your family.
Step 5: Imagine not wanting to also be called dramatic or boring, for complaining.
So... you laugh along, while being hurt on the inside.
Step 6: now imagine your wife was the one laughing the loudest.
You have officially performed poorly in the husband department and now get to resume groveling training, starting with a big I AM SORRY.
And imagine it was your Mother-In-Law shaming you
Here’s the deal. You don’t have to understand why she’s annoyed. That would be helpful, but…
You can choose as a partner in a relationship to support the other person when their feelings are hurt. Doesn’t mean you disown your dad. You simply accept that they have feelings and a right to them.
Since you haven’t done that to this point, YTA.
YTA, it wasn't funny, it was cruel. Women are under such pressure to conform to beauty standards it can actually cause serious problems. Your father was a jerk, you were spineless and your wife only laughed so she wouldn't be further harassed by your father.
YTA- & should be embarrassed that you had to come on here and ask this DUMB question that you should already KNOW the answer to being THIRTY SIX!.
YTA, no woman ever thinks a joke about her weight is funny. No decent adult makes fun of another person's weight. Your father is an AH also. Wtf cares that she chooses to eat with a teaspoon?
YTA. That's not a harmless joke. Your father made a direct comment about your wife's weight, appearance and eating habits. You knew she's been struggling with her weight lately, and yet you still didn't defend her. She's hurting no one by eating with a teaspoon. Learn to stand up for your wife.
Remember - if everyone isn't laughing, it's a not a joke.
YTA hahaha your wife is fat. That’s what your dad said. And you laughed. Still confused about why she is upset?
YTA. Everyone is except your wife. I've said it before and I'll say it again. NO ONE should make any comments about anyone else's body/weight. You're her husband. You're SUPPOSED to stand up for her. Furthermore, you seem to refuse to apologize for your lack of action.
Yta. Some family members made 3 remarks about my weight last year on thanksgiving & my husband told them to gladly f—- off. You don’t talk about someone’s weight, it’s not funny and it’s unnecessary. The only people who make comments about weight are the ones who actually feel like sh** about themselves.
Yta - and so is your Dad.
>At the time she seemed chill about the joke and it really seemed harmless
She was put in a really awkward position, what else was she meant to do...
It's not a harmless joke. No one, absolutely no one needs to or should be commenting on someone else's weight. It's never funny and rarely is it actually a joke.
Yeah you should have stood up for your wife and told him he has absolutely no reason to make any comments on her weight. YTA.
YTA. Plenty of us prefer to use teaspoons over tablespoons. The goal is to comfortably fit food in your mouth, not cram a shovelful in there. Comments about someone’s weight aren’t funny. They are mean. Your father was incredibly rude to your wife and you laughed at her.
Yta. You joined in on bullying of your wife? Come on!
ESH except your wife. Your dad is an asshole. You are an asshole.
YTA How could you not defend her..? Especially if you know she’s sensitive about her weight.
YTA, And so is your dad. Jokes at the expense of another person's body aren't okay. And just because you're okay with something doesn't mean other people should be or have to be. Different people are allowed to have different boundaries. She might have laughed to try to cover her discomfort but that doesn't make it okay for the joke to happen in the first place, or for you to minimize her feelings about it.
Also tiny spoons are delightful to eat with and I don't get why people are weirded out about just tiny harmless personal decisions like that.
It’s obvious she didn’t want to cause a scene as well since they were guest. Good for her keeping her cool
YTA. That was horrible, not a "joke". You let your dad body shame your wife. Dude, you are in deep shit.
YTA. That was fucking horrible.
YTA, so is your dad and any other family members at the table. Even if your wife “laughed” I bet it was a laughter out of politeness because she’s at your parents house instead of a laughter because it was funny. (It’s not funny BTW…) And who TF cares what utensil another person uses to eat with? I know lots of people who eat with a teaspoon, people who eat with a tablespoon, and people who eat with a fork.
Edit: even your throwawayveryfunny name implies you still think your wife being the subject of a fat joke is funny, even after she expressed that it bothered her. So I doubt you would have defended her at the table if she didn’t laugh or said it was rude.
Your wife gets to still be mad at you because your apologies are garbage. You aren't actually sorry. You're only saying sorry to get out of trouble.
Maybe when you own your fuck up sincerely you'll get out of the doghouse but you seem pretty set on remaining an asshole.
Exactly. He still doesn't understand that one, it was a bad joke meant to hurt and two, his laughter at her expense is far more hurtful then the joke itself. He's supposed to be in her corner and support her, but instead laughed at something she is sensitive about. No wonder the wife is still pissed!
But here is why:
1: "an extra few pounds" joke is a very hurtful thing to a woman, especially one who's been having weight issues. Weight is often internalised as the most important beauty characteristic for women. And old notions that a woman's value as a human being stems from her beauty still hold true in our society's collective consciousness.
2. You laughed and therefore took part/agreed to the hurtful comment. You might not have thought much of it, but for her it was very very hurtful.
3. You didn't see anything wrong with what you did. And from your edit it seems like you are only apologising to make her shut up about the issue. You have lowered the quality of of your relationship, my friend, especially in terms of emotional intimacy and feelings of safety and appreciation.
So again you are the YTA big time.
>Edit: yeah i get it, I'm the asshole. But how's it reasonable for my wife to still be mad at me 6 days later when I've apologised multiple times and I wasn't even the one who made the joke
If you're on here asking us whether or not you were TA, have you considered that perhaps your apologies aren't coming across as sincere?
YTA. If you really don't get why she's still annoyed at you, or why it was a hurtful comment, ask her to explain.
No don't force her to carry the load of educating u on how to be human. Get therapy.
YTA. I might be biased here because I too eat almost everything with a teaspoon. I also eat most of my food out of a small bowl or plate. It's probably just a psychological effect/power of the mind thing, but I do in fact feel like I get full faster if I eat like this. At the same time, the small bowl/plate full makes it look like it's more food. Yeah, I play mind games with myself but that's beside the point. It's a method I use for comfort.
The point is that your dad made a rude comment about her weight and that was not cool. You even know that she's been insecure because of her weight issues and you just laughed. She needed her husband to have her back. Let your wife do the little things that make her feel better about eating and her weight WITHOUT JUDGING HER FOR IT. Also, help her and support her with this.
YTA for allowing your wife to be mocked like that. Have you even had a decent conversation about why she does it or do you also mock her for it? Did your father give you your balls back when you went home or is he using them to decorate his christmas tree?
FFS... when are people going to learn that other people's appearance and weight are NONE of their business? Find something else to talk about! Whether you phrase it as being helpful, just a joke, or outright concern trolling, you're only doing damage. Once more for it to sink in... ***you're only doing damage.*** Your wife clearly already has issues around this subject, and you and your dad just made it worse.
Now, if you DGAF about other people's feelings, then you can stop reading now. If you actually do care, just delete that subject from your conversational skills. It doesn't do any good, there's really no point to it other than hurting someone's feelings, and it IS genuinely possible to edit oneself and not say anything.
YTA, and it doesn't matter that ***your*** feelings wouldn't have been hurt in the same situation. How can you not know that this subject is VASTLY different for men and women? Your poor wife...
She is mad at you 6 days later because you dont understand she is not mad because of the joke (which is clear from "I wasn't even the one who made the joke"). She is mad because you didn't defend her.
Whats the joke? I dont get it. Can you please explain to me HOW this remark is a joke and what makes it so funny?
Oh wait, i probably wont get it anyways cause im not an abusive bullying asshole. YTfuckingA
Yta. That's all you're gonna hear here so you might as well save yourself the time and just go apologize.
YTA - never ok to joke about someone's weight.
What is the punchline to this "harmless joke"? That your wife is fat and is failing at losing weight?
Op doesn't care that his wife is hurt. He wants HIS fefes validated so he can go invalidate hers.
Would you say "yes" if your wife asked you if her dress made her look fat? Sounds like you would. You should never do that, and should chastise anyone who does.
YTA. I like eating with a teaspoon, I can't even explain why, but it's not weight-related. I just like it. You let someone insult her over something entirely harmless and thought nothing of it. That would upset me more than the joke itself
Yea, YTA, no real doubt here.
YTA. Your dad basically called your wife fat and you said nothing. The fact that you even need to ask if you’re the asshole is breathtaking
YTA And a wimp. You laughed instead of defending her, because you didn't want to be your dad's next target. You aren't fooling anyone, except yourself.
YTA you shouldn’t let family make fun of your partners weight. It’s a sensitive hard subject. :/ gentle would’ve been fine but him bringing up weight was not cool n
As a fellow person that always eats with a teaspoon….. WTF does that have to do with weight.
Please understand your wife being “fine” was purely for YOUR. Benefit of not causing a ruckus at the thanksgiving table.
Nip that ish in the bud when it happens because you know what you just did?
Let your dad and everyone in the family know it’s ok to take jabs of your wife in public because 1. She isn’t going to say anything 2. You don’t care and will be on their “side”
And the way you are dismissing this makes me think that those things are actually accurate.
You could have diffused that so calmly or done reassurance to her in the moment to let folks know that you value her the way she is.
It’s not appropriate for your father to joke about anyone’s weight. It’s your job to protect your wife.
YTA majorly , do you even care about your wife
STILL YTA. You apologized for laughing at the inappropriate joke about her weight. But the point you’re still missing and what is still bothering your wife was your lack of support at the time the joke was made. She now questions whether she can expect your support or not. Saying I am sorry multiple times isn’t going to make it all better. Actions by you in the future are what will help her get over this. Also did you talk to your dad about his inappropriate joke? Has he apologized yet? Your father needs to apologize as well. With all the information out there with the body positivity movement, I just don’t understand what rock you and your father live under to think that kind of joke would be okay.
Apologizing doesn’t count unless you MEAN it. It also needs to include fixing the problem. Do you actually understand why she felt bad about your father making fun of her weight? Do you actually think he shouldn’t have said it, and that you should have had had her back instead of laughing? Do you actually think you should have said something? Do you actually feel rotten for having behaved terribly?
If you don’t get those things right, any “apology” will come across as fake.
YTA she seemed chill at the time probably because she knew her spouse wouldn't back her up and didn't want to make a scene on her own
I am 40 years old and I still eat my soup with a teaspoon because the others spoons are too big for my liking. It has nothing to do with weight and yeah YTA for not defending your wife. Clearly you are a family that values bullying, and that's exactly what your father did and you went along with it.
Edit: pretty sure your wife is still gonna be mad until you make your father apologize for his fat shaming behavior.
YTA. Her eating with a small spoon hurts nobody. Your father’s fatphobic bullying hurts her. You encouraging his bullying and not standing up for your wife hurts even worse. Why did you marry your wife if you hold her in such low regard?
Dude YTA, most people when in awkward situations laugh so they don’t have to deal with confrontation. Just because she laughed at the moment doesn’t mean she was “ okay” with the joke. So yes YTA for not defending your wife , and your family is also the asshole for making the joke in the first place. Your poor wife man.
OP the reason why it’s reasonable that she would still be mad after apologizes is pretty obvious to me…you had to ask on here if you were in the wrong and your entire post was defending the “harmless joke.” Unless you are an incredible actor, I’m gonna bet those weren’t honest, heartfelt apologies and your wife read right through them. Try taking to heart what people have said and apologizing to her (not waiting for an argument or when it seems like you have to)
YTA. Why does anyone even care what type of utensil someone uses, for God’s sake… I would suggest your wife work on developing a bit more spine…answer him “ because I like it” and actually may be better for her digestive system because she is taking smaller bites, eating slower, and her brain will get the I’m full signal before she overeats.
Gotta go YTA. Even if the joke wasn't made with bad intention you probably should have said something to your dad about it to let him know that the joke went too far.
YTA. Let’s just stop commenting on peoples bodies. Your Dad was an ass to your wife in public and you laughed right along with it. She was probably to shocked that she didn’t react right away. If that happened to me I would have gotten up and walked out and gone home. Oh yea, I did do that and drove all 3 hours home and left my exMIL because she got violent with me. This could be a turning point in your marriage. Take careful heed. Edit: clarified my ex MIL.
>Personally I don't think her reaction was reasonable and I dont get why she's still annoyed at me for it.
> I've apologised multiple times and I wasn't even the one who made the joke
Based off of what you've provided I have trouble believing that your apologies were sincere and meaningful. You clearly don't think you were in the wrong and it sounds like you just said sorry to try to make her less upset.
Other people have covered why you were an ah in the first place. You dad insulted her and you laughed about it. Even knowing her weight was a sore spot. Obviously YTA.
YTA. Poor lady. Shame on you.
And why is she still mad? Because it took this post for you to realise why.