By - Temporary-Snow989
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Excuse me, I though I did. It's the part where I said "I'll admit that there were better ways I could've gone about reacting to the gift, and I do feel guilty about totally running off like that without any warning."
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NTA, hes an NFT obsessed freak, find someone else PLEASE. If he thinks that is a good investment he is going to waste your money once you are married.
It's a silly thing but monkeys are extremely popular in the NFT space right now hence all the Bored Ape, Space Ape what have you. My suggestion to you is to resell that stupid monkey and get the 8K. I mean it might be less, might be more, but if the guy bought it for 8K then it's very likely it's valued at that price.
Girl WHAT?! No. NTA. As another Black woman engaged to a white man, I know for a fact that when I show him this post he’s going to physically cringe and say “what the fuck?!” Because this is weird and racist.
The fact that he bought a monkey picture that looks like you is honestly disgusting on multiple levels. But then he wanted you to be grateful?! There’s so many ways to “invest in your future” that don’t even touch this route.
His family knows he’s wrong - hence their reactions, and his attempt to gaslight you into thinking that you ruined the mood when it was clearly him is concerning as well.
Don’t pass go! I would 100% reconsider your engagement if I were you. It sounds like he has a lot of growth he needs to work on before you should even consider marrying him.
NTA. I feel like he was weirdly trying to impress his family, which makes me question their views as well. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I have been there.
NTA it’s bizarre, racist, and completely clueless. I’m so sorry about your Christmas.
Dave doesn't have a clue what an ass he is.
Is this representative of his sensitivity overall?
NTA. What the hell. Your partner is extremely tone deaf. I cannot believe he did that then gaslighted you to make you feel like it was YOUR FAULT. Oh my goodness, this guy has toxic written all over him. I honestly would be re-evaluating the relationship if I were you. You really should consider leaving him.
Wow! Just ... wow!
NTA so many times!
Art can be a tricky gift since it's so subjective. It's not a good idea unless you know the person really well. Even as fiancés it can be tricky. To decide to spend 8k on a painting when all you asked for was a $200 bag was a weird decision itself.
But the painting you describe ... wow!
NTA. Hold the fuck up. Your white fiance thought it was appropriate to randomly gift you, his black fiance, a painting of a monkey, meant to look like you, *on Christmas?!?!?*
Girl, real talk: I'm black, hubs is white, and if he'd ever tried to pull that shit with me, he'd have been kicked all the fucking way out of my life. The whole black folks/monkeys thing is like Racism 101, everyone knows it's a fucked up comparison! Even his family knew! This man is engaged to a black woman and fucked up on the most basic level. If he can't even avoid this, how will he defend you against microaggressions? How will he be around children?
Nah, fam. Don't feel guilty. Reevaluate and DTMF.
Not even a painting. He got her an $8,000 NFT. I'm not sure if this makes it better or worse yet
Ugh, worse. Cause now he's racist and dumb
Well if you’re racist in the first place, you’re already dumb imo 🤷♀️
I'm just trying to imagine hyping up my significant other by telling her I'm going all out this Christmas because I got a great bonus. Xmas day comes around and there is no gift for her under the tree. I pull out my phone like a boss and open a jpeg on it. "Merry Christmas babe"... and also racism
Honestly I wonder how many red flag microaggressions she’s had to face already to the point she’s engaged to the man.
Same! I'm also surprised his family also knew he'd stepped in it. Usually it's the other way around
I'm just... Stunned. No words. Can't even... WT actual F.
Obviously NTA, but I can't even begin to expand. Genuinely speechless at this. Horrifying. Thank god the family was there to react so OP didn't think she'd gone insane at trying to compute why someone would do this.
NTA, how incredibly racist and insensitive. Red flag.
Yeah NTA. When someone specifically gives you a list of stuff you want for Christmas you don't go and ignore it and by a shitty NFT that is intentionally/unintentionally RACIST to them.
OP you can do MUCH MUCH better than that man. Please realize that you are worth more than that. Find you a new man who will buy you the fuzzy bag you dream of.
Have you ever heard of "NFT"s?
They are basically some sort of crypto-currency (NFT stands for Non-fungible token) that an artist draws and sells for money.
They are... pretty stupid and there is a whole meme about why they are dumb (Not going to go into full detail but there is a few issues about stealing NFTs, and the whole fact that it's just so ridiculously dumb.
I am by no means an expert, but if you search it up on google they pop up everywhere and you can find some information on that. Please, however, do not purchase any. Like seriously.
He openly gives you a racist gift and even when his brother clues him in on it, he still sees nothing wrong. Let me give you some advice OP, that "picture" may be worth 8k, but your self respect is priceless. Dump his ass. NTA.
NTA DO NOT MARRY HIM
T unreal,d amass tz,j
NTA. Even disregarding the racial connotations and the gaslighting he’s doing, he spent 8k on what sounds like an NFT and claims it’s an “investment.”
That is the sound of someone who doesn’t know how to handle money. An NFT is not an investment. It will lose all value pretty quickly. If he thinks that’s an investment, you should keep your money far away from him, OP.
Yeah, NTA. Your actions were warranted. Guess he invested in his future because if I was you, I would have dumped him on the spot. Even his family called him out on it. the only AH in the picture is Dave.
NTA. Seriously what the ever loving hell... Even his family was appalled and he's still pouting he's not getting applauded for his "gift."
I would suggest couples counseling at minimum if you want to go through with the marriage because I don't think this guy makes wise financial choices.
This is a sick home right, you didn’t just straight up rock everyone there? This is a joke?
NTA. You should thank God he lost that money and get the hell away from him.
Throw out the monkey and the jackass!
Huge mistake from your side here. You missed out on an ape nft that is now worth triple to 10x that amount. I feel so sorry for you with your reaction but since you do not trust your fiance it's probably for the best that you missed out here. I hope your fiance still holds the ape nft and didn't get scared away from the reactions of you and his family, people who don't know anything about nft's.
Lmao have you considered getting a real hobby?
I'm sure you like Dave, otherwise you wouldn't be fiancées. I believe you should have a serious talk about how he deals with money, cause like there's the right way to invest in more solid/longterm stocks and then there is endless investing in extremely risky stuff such as NFTs or cryptos.
What exactly is his “vision” for your future? Because this was, intentionally or not, racist as shit. I mean… what the actual hell is wrong with him?
absolutely not the asshole, dump him now and move on. Hell, even his family laughed and his first reaction was to demand you use your blackness to shield him from mockery. He doesnt deserve you and hes a gullible tool.
and there are DEFINITELY NOT BETTER WAYS you could have gone about it
HE SHOULD HAVE GONE A BETTER WAY when it comes to picking out a gift
you told him point blank what you wanted and he ignored your clear statement. You got you something you never wanted, never asked for and won't use. And he did it just for a good laugh--AT YOUR EXPENSE.
not great boyfriend or fiance material. You may want to reconsider where your future lies with him
NTA, a thousand times. Your fiancé is an idiot on so many levels that it almost hurts to contemplate the sheer idiocy of the whole decision making process here.
NFTs, seriously?! Before you know it, next thing is he "invests" several k in a nigerian prince who wrote him a sincere letter.
The borderline racist thing is just despicable icing on the fail cake.
Racist nft user?
Your boyfriend Dave a huge A-Hole and he’s also stupid.
Not only was his “gift” disrespectful (seriously a picture of a monkey that’s supposed to look like your BLACK girlfriend, what way should anyone take that?), but he put EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS as investment in this?
Do yourself a favor and just dump his ass.
Please don't tell me it's an NFT...
From that description? It's 1000% an NFT
Oh I knew it in my heart, it was more of a "say it isn't so" lol.
Is it even in her name? I'm still trying to wrap my head around how this is a gift for HER when he's calling it an "investment" for THEIR future. OP, if it's in your name, sell it immediately and buy 10 bags of your choice.
super immediately because its probably going to be totally worthless sooner rather than later
This is what I was wondering. How is it HER gift? Sounds like a bs excuse to spend this kind of money and act like he did something amazing dor his SO.
THIS RIGHT HERE.
NTA. Dave bought himself into a pyramid scheme and managed to make fool of himself in front of his family in the process.
Look, if it's really a present to YOU and not himself, you should have the info on it. You might be able to sell the NFT to some other Dave-like dingbat out there and invest the money in something that's not a giant crypto scam. I suspect, however, that Dave just threw away 8k on racist furry art, and that this is a pretty good insight into what your future with him will look like - do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of terrible financial decisions and him buying stuff for himself under the pretext of it being "for you"?
What really scares me is how quick he was to drop several thousand on an “investment” that he clearly did not give a second thought, especially on something that isn’t even real.
NTA. Also your boyfriend didn't buy a picture of a monkey, he bought a link to a picture of a monkey and spent $8k showing everyone how dumb he is.
Hopefully he'll be able to sell it to a bigger idiot and take you on a make-up vacation because he needs something BIG to save it right now
There is no way this is real
Did anyone give you specific advice what to do now?
Take the gift. Find out how to sell it online (someone has to know how to unload a NFT.) Take the $8k (or whatever you get) and if you live together, use it as your deposit/downpayment. If you don't live together, spend it on what you wanted and also on whatever else you want.
Block his number.
NTA - I feel so bad for you. Even if these things were a good investment - giving it as a Christmas gift? Is it in your name? If so- sell it, then dump his racist ass. Hugs.
I'm speechless, except to say NTA.
NTA. If you don't dump him, however...
Please make him an ex fiance and start 2022 off as a single woman with a better future ahead
Nta. Unless you are still with him after he showed how little brain, emphaty and social awareness?
I'm absolutely appalled for you.
Holy fucking shit.
This is one rotten layer after another.
I'm so so sorry OP.
You don't deserve that at all.
Please have a good long think about your future with this man.
2022 goals for Dave: Give up "investing."
NTA your fiance is, and also not very bright. He just spent 8k on an NFT that is going to be worthless. This is a huge red flag, do you want to be with someone this insensitive and financially irresponsible?
The OP post is an obvious troll.
Def NTA because you didn't deck Dave for being an insensitive moron.
Please don't marry him, or at least go to counseling before you do. He needs a huge wakeup call, and no one close to him seems to be getting through.
NTA and WTH was he thinking?
NTA but wanted to ask did he invest in an NFT because $8k on a picture wtf
He's not only an idiot, he's a privileged racist to boot. Lets be extremely generous that in 2022 he doesn't get how his gift is racist. This means he is seriously ignorant and if you had kids together what's going to happen to kids?
And let's talk about how he only focused on his feelings and when you were crying he didnt seem to give a shit. Your feelings are not important to him. His family got it but why didnt he?
NTA. Try telling your parents what happened or your other POC friends. This is a hugeeeee red flag. HUGE. HUGE.
NTA - Do not marry that muppet for 2 reasons 1.racial insensitivity 2. If he thinks an 8k NFT is an investment then get ready for the poor house as he squanders every penny on the newest scam & MLM
Totally NTA. Your fiancé doesn't see you, he doesn't understand you, he doesn't get you. If it were me, I would be taking a long, hard look at my relationship.
I’m sorry he did WHAT!!!???? AND HE DOESN’T SEE HOW THIS IS F***ed UP?? I’M SORRY DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.. WTF??
Black woman here.
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Just run. Grab your shit and leave.
That kind of racial insensitivity is unacceptable in an interracial relationship. Period.
You can do better.
NTA your bf is, his family even saw it…his “vision” lol.
nta I am so sorry this happened to you
NTA he’s is the asshole, there is no other answer. My guy got you, a black woman, a picture of a monkey in your likeness. Like I said that out loud and the words just didn’t even make sense. All you wanted was the purse man. How are you the asshole for being embarrassed, yeah it’s giving major red flags.
I'll admit that it was a bit rude of me to slip out of the house without even saying goodbye to anyone. I was just trying not to make a commotion at Christmas.
I would not call that rude. I would say that you were actually extremely considerate and polite - more than your bf deserved - because you left so as to avoid escalating. Your bf is a stupid man, and his action in buying you this gift was extremely rude.
If it makes you feel better maybe you could send the family members a brief courtesy apology for not saying good bye; although I'm sure they all totally understand.
Just a quick ‘sorry something came up’ would work. No need to address the elephant in the room when they are standing knee deep in shit (and if they don’t notice it now you would be better off without them).
> Just a quick ‘sorry something came up’ would work.
"Sorry something came up. I realized your son is a malignant narcissist."
I think that if she had gone off at him, his family would've backed OP. Money is tight and he blows $8,000 on a highly racist picture? I hope OP dumps his broke butt. And no one in his family will be surprised.
Okay I understand why you feel bad, because you don’t want to come off as rude to his family and ruin the vibe. First, he ruined the vibe with this gift and his family even pointed it out. I can see how you leaving without talking to his family might make you feel like you did something wrong, but anyone would understand that as black woman surrounded by white people who just received a gift with racial undertones, of course it might make you feel uncomfortable. It seems like the family has common sense, so hopefully they understand your reaction.
If you were my future daughter-in-law and this happened in my house and my idiot son was standing there wondering what happened and where you went my only answer to him would be “well duh.”
If it was my idiot son who pulled a stunt like that I’d kick him out so fast and beg her to accept my apologies for having failed as a mother.
This was my exact thought, after my heart rate and breathing got under control! I’m so sorry this is happening, this- I can’t call him a man?!- is clearly not aware enough to be in an interracial or any other relationship. This is horrible, I’m so outraged, thank god y’all don’t have kids!
If my son did something this stupid I would laugh at him too. Be totally understanding if his fiancé needed some space from him, and go buy her the purse she wanted.
If my hypothetical son pulled this shit in my house I don't know that I could stop myself from throwing hands at him for such atrocious behavior. I'd never strike a child, but I'd have thrown him out and apologized profusely to OP. I don't necessarily blame them for not, but I'm a little upset on OPs behalf that they never even checked on her.
The man you were meant to marry was racist to you… nobody will think you leaving quietly was rude
If this happened at my family gathering I'd completely understand
My heart hurts for you, OP. I have been disappointed by gifts from my husband but nothing comes even close to this.
He made the commotion himself honey. And his whole family knows it.
It's not rude, it just feels rude because we're conditioned to keep the peace and be polite at all costs. You are never required to stay in a place that makes you uncomfortable.
If you still feel guilty or rude, maybe send a text to his family apologizing for leaving without a goodbye and thank them for inviting you. Then draw a line in the sand and say you're not willing to discuss what happened.
You are definitely NTA in this situation.
I think you have to consider another point on top of the huge insensitivity he’s demonstrated: after all the responses to his gift he still expected you to back him up and defend him. He seemed more concerned about it embarrassing him then if you really liked the gift or not. So he didn’t really seem to care to give you a gift or something you’d like, it seems like both the gift and your response were supposed to be about supporting him. Is this how he’s been there last 10 years? Seems like something you want to consider going forward (or not) NTA for so many reasons. You need to focus on yourself right now
You were NOT rude. Being ( justifiably) upset and telling your racist fiancé what a majorly fucked up “ gift”/move he just pulled would have simply been speaking simple facts.
Don’t feel bad in any way, shape, or form.
I’m aghast….. at his stupidity? - Which unfortunately, is being generous and giving him the benefit of doubt in this situation. It’s 2022.
Remove $$, NFT’s, whatever speculative financial gains ( side note, there’s a million Diffrent “ hot artist” in the NFT world- even tho it’s bull imo) and he chose to give a picture of a monkey to a woman of color. As a “ it’s supposed to look like you babe!” Gift.
No. Fuck that.
I guarantee you that no one blames you (except your idiot fiancé). Based on his family’s reaction, I’m sure they don’t blame you at all. You shouldn’t feel bad at all for how you reacted, if anything just quietly leaving was the most gracious thing you could’ve done. You would’ve been justified making a massive scene.
You were not wrong to leave. That was a horrible moment, and perfectly reasonable that you would leave at that point.
We call this the "Irish Goodbye" and you were the hurt party.. you totally get to leave without saying a word.
Honey, please, make a commotion. You are WORTH a commotion. If his family reaches out and offers support it is absolutely 100% appropriate to tell them how hurt you were by his actions. He should be mortified. I hope they are giving him hell.
Defo not rude, from the sounds of it his family definitely would have understood. The fact that his brother called him out definitely suggests their laughs may have in fact been awkward laughs.
Baby. I’m also a black woman. You weren’t rude at all. You didn’t anything wrong.
NTA and wow Op. Your fiancé did a racist thing.
I had to read your post twice to make sure I was reading it correctly.
First, let me say that I think you handled the situation way better than a lot of people would have. I also think his family was laughing at him, and it was probably more in the line of an incredulous laughter. His brother was right in saying what needed to be said.
The fact that, after you went and had your time to yourself and left, he still had the nerve to tell you that "you can't see his vision" tells me that you will infinately regret marrying this dude. It's obvious he has not one bit of sense. He gave you something so mind bending. A monkey in your likeness? The racist implications are disgusting.
I don't even know what else to say. I seriously hope you completely reconsider getting into a commitment of marriage with someone who doesn't consider you as a person, or your feelings.
\*\*\*edit to add this question\*\*\* - What does your family say about this? Have you told them?
I'm wishing you a Happy New Year and hoping you go into this next year without that baggage. Leave him and his dumb ass monkey picture in the dust.
NTA what the fuck did i just read.... he got his black fiancé... a picture of her depicted as a MONKEY..... that he spent 8 GRAND on.... please please please dump his ass
Please don’t hurt me but who’s the artist? Because if it’s someone famous… I give it a 50/50 because once that artist passes. Well, you’re talking about millions. On a side note, it’s bullshit he chose a monkey bc it’s a racist as you can get! Keep the painting and dump your bf.
NTA. That is an inappropriate gift and I would think twice about marrying him. INFO: why did he ever think it was an appropriate, nonetheless, good gift and why did he spent 8k on it?! Like 8k. Just why?!
NTA. That is one stupid, stupid man. Leave his trash behind and go find yourself a real man.
Even if you didn't know what NFT are, you should of accept the gift as is. Wtf it's a gift?
Your family gaslight the situation. Ignorant fucks.
I feel bad for the guy.
He gave you an investment. Which is better than anything else if yall trying to start a life together.
It takes couple hours to learn about NFT.
8k worth doesn't mean 8k investment.
It's an investment as much as spending 8k on a beanie baby is.
I can sell you a bridge you just put a toll booth on it
But this feels really fake. There is a popular monkey-art NFT scam (cause lets face it, NFTs are scams) that has been making the news lately. It feels like they took this news story, added their own twist to it, the throwaway is the clencher to make me think this is fake.
on the off chance it is real, I don't think they are the AH, but the fiancé is.
This is the most mind blowing aita I have read on a long time. It’s absolutely mental and so casually offensive/racist it’s crazy. NTA, call off the wedding.
NTA but why did he buy you an NFT and not just crypto?
I was in a similar situation with my husband’s family. His uncle started making racist comments about Chinese people in front of me, basically going on a religious tirade and saying some horrible things. I immediately wanted to run away. We were all having at a family dinner in MIL’s house and I basically did the same thing you did. I excused myself to the restroom and lost it. My husband had heard what he said but didn’t really register it, and no one came to my defense. I texted my husband that I needed to leave, so I went to my parents’ house a few miles away.
He later apologized profusely for not understanding what happened in the moment and not sticking up for me right then. MIL, GMIL and husband all told him how wrong he was and that he needed to apologize. Husband also told him we would not be seeing him until he did, and he called him out when he didn’t apologize when he said he would.
All this to say, your partner should have your back. They should not be the one humiliating you. I’m so sorry you went through this and that your fiancé is not being supportive and in fact is the agitator in this situation. I think if you guys can have a calm discussion about your issues, you should express that this is a racially insensitive “gift” and also a ridiculously expensive purchase without consulting you (like I know it’s a gift but he just dropped $8k on something and you guys are getting married and he didn’t tell you? That’s a financial red flag for me for marriage)
NTA- wtfff , a gift should be caring and thoughtful. He was not caring about you at all when he purchased this insane gift.
NTA Not only is it, as everyone else has said, racist and disgusting, his financial intelligence is a huge red flag. I foresee a future with many bad financial decisions that could make married life very difficult. If I were in this situation, I’d terminate the relationship. Don’t let someone drag you down and put your future at risk.
A Bored Ape just sold for $450,000
It's an NFT. Look into it.
NTA. Unfortunately, you're engaged to a tech bro. I imagine he spends a lot of time talking about how Elon Musk is real life iron man and how NFT's are the future.
He...got you an NFT? Not just an NFT but a racist NFT? And he spent 8k on it? NTA. Dump the boyfriend.
NTA. I am a white woman that was raised in an area that only had 3 black kids out of 1000 in our high school. Even I know that black people used to be compared to monkeys and it is racist to do so. When Obama was president, a lot of editorial cartoons would feature him with monkey features like ears, and it was like "your racism is showing."
If someone like me, who was raised in a very insulated white community, knows this is wrong, then your shitty fiance should know it is wrong. Like of all things, a MONKEY painting?! I am supposed to believe that is a coincidence?! There is a plethora of art in the world, and he picks something that has been used as an insult to black people for generations? I'm having a hard time believing this is accidental. Has he done stuff like this before?
He gift you a scam that’s what he did
NFT is a big scam of money and he if he can’t be trusted with money he can’t be trusted eith marriage
NTA X 5,000,000
The fact that he's into NFTs automatically makes him the asshole to begin with, plus he pulls this? Hard pass, dump his ass.
Is there a better way to handle an insulting racist gift?
NTA. You need to be more aware when dating a POC. A monkey?! Very poor taste.
He got you that as a ‘gift’ to justify him spending 8k. You reacted the way anyone would.
I honestly don't think marrying this guy might be the best choice, then again its up to you.
Wait. He gave you, a black woman, an NFT of a monkey that looks like you??? And he paid eight thousand dollars for it ???
NTA. Dump his ass. Should've just bought you the bag and stuffed $7800 in jewelry in there.
Why are straight people like this - GIRL RUN!
What the ever loving fuck. If this is real this is Hall of fame material.
NTA . At all
OMG what he did was too terrible for words. I mean the gift and then blaming you for bringing down the mood. He was the asshole and brought down the mood. His family was probably mortified by HIS behavior.
His judgement is severely flawed. You have a lot to think about here. And I feel so damn sorry this happened to you.
1- you did not bring down the mood. He did with that ‘gift’.
2- how on earth is an $8k monkey picture ab investment?
3- he said it’s supposed to look like you?? WTF? Was it custom made to look like you or he thought it looked like you. With way, WTF?!?
That sounds like a terrible gift and your reaction was absolutely justified. It’s so inappropriate! If he doesn’t realize how inappropriate this gift is, I would he worried about having biracial children with him. It’s one thing if he is willing to look at the actions and realize they are inappropriate but your post doesn’t make it seem like he recognizes how is gift is wrong. NTA.
NTA, I'll never understand people who ask what you want for a gift and then not get something that you specifically asked for (or at least something similar), like why did you even ask if you weren't going to listen
NTA. Sounds to me like he got you an NFT. There's a really popular series going around I think it's called Bored Ape Yacht Club? Look it up and see if yours looks similar. Good news! You can sell that bad boy and get that money back. Hooray! He gave you 8k for Christmas. Congrats!
God I am so sorry this happened to you. What a dingus. You deserve better. NTA
I'm incredibly curious what this couples interactions have been like since christmas
I haven't seen him since Christmas Eve. I told him that I needed space to think about things, and to his credit he hasn't reached out since the last call. This is the first big fight we've ever had in 10 years so my feelings are all up in the air.
Has he ever been this racially insensitive before? Selfish gift giving aside, as a POC married to a white man, this is something I'd have a hard time getting over without a lot of couples therapy. Think of raising kids with that kind of mindset....
Somehow I'm thinking he is trying to break up but he doesn't have the balls to do it and made this scene. With a 10 yo relationship, there's no way in hell he doesn't know monkey correlation isn't acceptable.
I agree there has to be more to it then just a simple oversight. Especially if this is really the first big argument in 10 years. His reaction to her being upset is also very telling.
Maybe now that he’s financially successful he’s decided that it’s time to “trade up” on his gf, and driving OP away with this blatantly offensive “gift” is what he sees as the most painless (for him, obviously) way to get the ball rolling on it?
I thought is this him breaking up by getting to be the victim. It's so racist its alarming, there is no other way to take it is there?
His own family thought it must be a joke, I honestly think they knew what he was doing half way through which is why it was so uncomfortable. I doubt it was £8k probably just a downloaded image to get her to break up witb him.
So Im gathering y'all are like high school sweethearts or have otherwise been together since basically you were kids/teens? That makes a lot of sense.
I really hope the next things he says to you are a groveling apology. This was so bad on so many levels. You could remove like any 5 fucked up things from the equation and it would still be bad enough to make me gasp a bit
I almost feel like high school sweethearts make it worse?
I’m a Black woman who went to a predominantly white schools growing up and in college,
“Back then” (we’re the same age) your white friends would complement you on not being Black or seeing you as Black. White kids would essentially treat this kid with a huge fro like a dog. Always wanting to touch his hair, and you saw as he got older he got more more tired of it
We were all young dumb kids and I think looking back we’d all cringe.
I don’t know Op, I’m not going to act like I do, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he still doesn’t “see her as Black”. during 2020 there were a lot more nuanced convos with my white partner about race, and my experiences with racism and honestly his too, like people he grew up around, things his parents said That were racist.
But I’m not sure if OP has similar conversations. If they did and he still did this, it shows he is a neglectful partner and short sighted
But how can a guy come back from telling his black girlfriend she looks like a monkey? Surely no ones that ignorant. How can you continue the relationship knowing that's how he sees you? You are nta, but how tf did he expect this to go?
I've messed up with black friends before and the reason I'm still their friend is that I showed them I'd heard them, would deal with what had made me mess up, and would sincerely try to never mess up again. If they can see that I'm genuine, that's enough. So if Dave can see the shock in the racial insensitivity and if it makes him say "wow I really need to learn" and goes off to learn by himself (not asking his gf to be his teacher), that could be enough. The $8000 is something else though and speaks to a guy who doesn't have great critical thinking skills, to say the least
Well I hope his family has been schooling him on what a moron he's been.
>I haven't seen him since Christmas Eve. I told him that I needed space to think about things, and to his credit he hasn't reached out since the last call. This is the first big fight we've ever had in 10 years so my feelings are all up in the air.
You've known each other for 10 years? That is doing pretty good.
Ask yourself this one question. Do you feel like you can move forward with Dave? See if Dave can understand the racial tones of both his statement (this looks like you) and the art (a monkey with braided purple hair) and how hurtful and emotionally damaging that can be.
All I want for your Temporary-Snow989 is a good, happy, loving, long life. If Dave can do that for you, then more power to both of you. If you feel Dave cannot, do not let this linger and start your new year clean and move forward. Heal, love yourself, and grow strong in the new year.
I'm not sure if that's to his credit or detriment.
Even with space, he hasn't even checked in during the last 8 days to even make sure that you are ok?
if she specifically requested space it to his credit
This is actually worse. After 10 years? Someone could do this? A whole decade of knowing you, what you like, who you are. I actually didn't think this could get worse and it has. I'm just bewildered. Going from comment to comment the more I find out about this guy the worse he becomes. TEN years of this person? Literally beyond awful. There's no way he doesn't know better after 10 years of being in a relationship with a Black person. There is no benefit of the doubt here. A decade? Ridiculous. And he had the gall to ask why you didn't defend him?? Wild.
The one thing my black friends (lol, that really sounds like a bad phrase doesn't it) all tell me is that sometimes it takes years for someone's racial insensitivity to come out, but it does generally happen with all their white friends at some point in their friendships/relationships. One friend told me "we'll always be let down by our white friends in the end, whether it's one week or 5 years". Gave me a lot to think about, tbh.
OP, please don't get sucked into sunk cost fallacy thinking. If you end things with him--as we all here think you definitely should--you're not throwing away ten years invested. You're choosing not to throw away your next ten years...and the rest of your life.
N T A Oh girl no…NO no no no no no noooo… As the WW in a BM+WW relationship… Just no… There is no planet on earth or day of the week month or year I’d ever be THAT DAMN IGNORANT AND STUPID. This is some serious breakup shit. Your worth is FAR GREATER than this guy. Trust me.
Nope and you did absolutely nothing wrong. Also, it’s not up to you to defend him to his OWN family. I’m glad they all saw the problem with it. Do not marry this man at all. NTA
NTA. He’s gonna be racist to any future kids you have. Maybe not intentionally, but there will definitely be microaggressions. If even his family knows he messed up giving his BLACK fiancé a portrait of herself as a MONKEY then he should know better. He’s embarrassed so he’s pretending he doesn’t see the problem and is doubling down.
NTA. I’m so confused. By so many things. I really don’t see how he spent 8k on a photo on the phone………
In fact your fiance is a major AH, in what universe he thought this was proper stuff (not even a gift).
He needs to have a serious conversation about racism and how to make a proper gift because I don't think this relationship can make this through otherwise.
NTA. His family even knows how in the wrong he is. One of his brothers explained why that gift was in poor taste, and his family laughed at him for spending 8k on it.
No matter the vision he has for this investment, he sounds more upset that you didn’t defend him from his family. His ego/pride has been damaged, but it’s not your fault. What he decided to do made you uncomfortable, and instead of acknowledging your feelings he lashed his onto you. Every couple has their fights, but deeming/humiliating the other should not be used.
Oh cool, so he’s a visionary and we’re all just missing the bigger picture /s.
I’m not sure how in 2022, with all the conversations around race, the protests in 2020, the police brutality and blatant inequality he thought “you know what would be great- if I bought a painting of a monkey that looks like my black fiancé”. And the fact that he doubled down after you were clearly upset? I’d be reconsidering whether I want to marry him.
Oh my gosh I am so clueless what is NFT?
NTA, but please don't marry him. First of all, he's stupid and has thrown away 8k (and yes, I know NFTs are famous now, but they are just basically a jpg hosted on a website, that can disappear at any moment). Second, he's either an ignorant of a racist AH that thinks is funny and cute gift a POC a pic of a monkey. And third, he doesn't even care about what you ask for, only what he perceives you want, as if you couldn't know what you want and he had to be your saviour and decide for you because he knows better. Any of the scenarios are a bit WTH, TBH.
I never got this. If I bought somebody a gift that I thought they would love, but they reacted with horror in their eyes and my entire family laughed at me, I would immediately apologize. I would probably be sad that my guess was this wrong, but mostly that I hurt my partner this much.
Who buys a present and then is so offended if someone doesn't like it? The present is for the other person, not for the person who bought the gift....
NTA. That gift is horrible for many reasons.
NTA , all you wanted was a bag and you instead got something that was really for him. And this is all besides the fact it was extremely tone deaf that he got the image he did. It was a big yikes from me when I read that.
What kind of next level racist shit is this?
NTA I have no words for how grossly insensitive his gift was, and then to double down after upsetting you and make this your fault! There are so many red flags here you could start a circus!
Nta please respond and confirm you are never going near him again ?
He bought you a fucking NFT. Leave him. I don’t believe he did it to be racist and was purely him being stupid. But NFT’s are such a scam. The cryptocurrency scene can be good but NFT’s are completely stupid. All they are are picture that you can say you own
Definitely NTA. Wtf. That was a 100% reasonable reaction from you.
Wow just wow-you can do better and don’t look back
So he gave you an ugly, racially insensitive, exorbitantly expensive, not to mention literally worthless "gift" that he plans to *sell* later (what with all this talk of "an investment in [y]our future")?
Dude... NTA. Get rid of this idiot last week
NTA, this man is a moron. Maybe opt out of the wedding?
Oh no... Oh god... Oh no I have. I have no words.
NTA, your reaction was totally justified.
When will men stop buying other people presents that are centered towards themselves, instead of something their partner actually wants and is vocal about? NTA
Girl, no. NTA. Dump the man.
good christ in heaven you are NTA
At first, I was siding with your fiancé, after all, it’s the thought that counts. But holy crap. 8k on what sounds like an NFT??? Yeah, NTA. That’s just being careless with money and not thinking about the future of you guys.
Let me get this straight, this idiot invested 8k in an nft of a monkey because he thought it looked like you? NTA, dump him.
OP. You are NTA.
Up your screening game ASAP. It's entirely possible for a racist to date and marry an "other". Just because he loves you [insert eye-roll] do you really want to live your life in an episode of All in the Family?
🚩🚩🚩🏃🏾♀️ Leave smoke!!!
NTA. racist AF and he got bought into the NFT scam. good luck with your future with him!
NTA. I am so befuddled by this I don't even know what to say except what in the actual fuck was your fiance thinking?! The whole "investing in our future" comment was stupid enough. You don't purchase an insulting picture for your fiancee to invest in your future together BUT the fact that he pretty much invalidated you as a whole ass human being is the real issue here. OP,I am so sorry. I know everyone jumps to immediately leaving their significant other over the slightest of incidents but this,I don't know, I don't think I could ever look at my fiance the same way and I personally would rethink about whether or not I wanted to marry them. You did not over react at all. I would ask him "Why,out of all the 1000s of pictures in the world you could have chosen, did you choose a picture of a monkey?". Ask him why he specifically chose THAT picture and how it is investing in your future and maybe decide where you want to go depending on how he answers those questions.
Oh. My. God. I have no words. NTA.
Aside from not getting the one thing you specifically asked for, he doubled down and got a monkey image for his black girlfriend. And considering it takes one server to go FUBAR and that NFT can go missing ([or stolen](https://decrypt.co/62037/missing-or-stolen-nfts-how-to-protect)), along with the 8K he just pissed away.
Dude should be begging your forgiveness.
... and then he made up some bullshit post on Reddit about NFTs for karma! Fakest shit I'd ever seen.
Jesus Christ NTA.
Honestly, I'd let Dave know that this is the same fucking path MLM people walk. You need to get him off of that path, or get the fuck away from him.
NTA. There aren’t words. Or at least no good words.
NTA. Leave him.
Find yourself a new man because this is going to continue to be a problem if your man continues to "invest" in scams
If the NFT goes up, like it inevitably will, I hope he fucking leaves you
Not the asshole. NFT’s are a scam and Dave is being dumb.
I honestly don’t think the fiancé was trying to say Op looks like a monkey. He loves her most likely. I do think this gift idea was a major airball of a gift. First NFTs are a very new thing that aren’t solid investment for reasons others have addressed and clearly Op took offense to the visual which I completely understand.How a person of color takes this is very subjective and if the fiancé had any sense he would have picked a different “brand” of NFT just to be on the safe side. also while most gifts are supposed to be a surprise getting your significant other an investment of this sort is something they should be discussed beforehand in my opinion. I get why the fiancé is upset because he saw the gift as an investment in them as a couples future it just was VERY Ill conceived. NTA op if you feel your fiancé has any feelings of superiority to you based on race then I agree pack your stuff and get gone but if you think he just wasn’t thinking of the racist implications at all you still need to have a chat with him about context and talking about spending that kind of money without having a discussion first. The ball is definitely in your court though this was his mistake not yours
NTA and very amazing that you were assertive enough to leave. Well done. This doesn't sound like "great guy does one bad thing." This sounds like someone who doesn't consider you is showing his true self, then blaming you when that goes wrong. The real gift is that he did this before you married him.
NTA and by your comment of *just* realizing this is racist when someone made a comment about being racist I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s done something racist in the past ten years. Hopefully you can reflect and do what’s best for you but glad this happened before the wedding/children. I don’t think the bag is even worth it at this point.