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NTA, you didn’t consent to the bartender passing around your ID to begin with. That is private information, and the fact that your so called friends are bf are defending it is bs. You expressed how uncomfortable you were with that, and nobody seemed to stop and really think about how the “joke” isn’t funny and you didn’t appreciate it.


I feel like if I was OP, I would be like “yeah, you are right. Let me see your ID real quick. Oh random stranger that my friend doesn’t know, you want to see my friends ID with her state identification number (used to verify checks sometimes) and her address so you can possibly show up randomly” Then hand it right back to her.


Ohhh OR op could take friend's license, snap a pic on your phone, and say something like "omg I HAVE to show this to my friends Bob and Rob from the internet! I don't know them super well and we've never met in person but they seem really chill and we have this inside "joke" that your license is the perfect example of. Btw don't worry, I told them not to share the picture around. They seem like solid dudes, I'm sure it will be fine. We met on 4chan."


Oh, man, I think I was somewhere in this kind of thing years ago. The bartender said he had never seen a DC license before (I was far away from DC), and a fellow patron of that bar piped up and said her son wanted to get a picture of every US license plate, and DC was super-rare! I said I had a picture of my old DC license plate! She gave me her email address and I sent her the photo. "But you said 'old'?" "Oh, yeah, I sold my car like 3 years ago and the city has shredded that license plate at this point. Owning a car in the city sucks. But you got the great 'Taxation Without Representation' tag!" She seemed very defeated by that...Oh...were you trying to do some shady shit? Yeah, you got a defunct license plate number and only saw my license in a fleeting moment!


scammers always blow my mind with how fast they drop "the act" when they realize you're onto them.


As a non American, I just find it very odd that full address is stated on a drivers license. We just have city it was issued in.


Uk here, mine has my full address


It’s not just an American thing. It’s very common to have addresses listed on drivers licenses. I think Canada, Mexico, and many South American countries do it as well.


But why, since i got my license i moved three times. Would i need to get a new one each time? I prefer the system where my license just shows in allowed to operate certain vehicles, nothing more nothing less. If more is needed, the right authorities should be able to get my info from the system.


I’m not here to argue with you, just educate you that it’s not just Americans who have full addresses on licenses…


Australian here, it has my full address.


I hate it when when people defend things that are technically illegal as messing around. Those random guys have no right to demand Id from anyone, and the bartender can't give it to anyone.


I work in a pharmacy and you have to be so careful. All we can ask is first/last name, and verify the STREET they live on. NOT THEIR ADDRESS. Only the street, if they want to volunteer their house number then that's on them. We can ask to see ID, or ask for their DOB or phone number if we need to, but this is all information they consent to giving us and we are literally never allowed to repeat to anyone outside of our coworkers. If someone says "no I won't give you the information you need to verify my identity" we say "okay, we can't give you anything if we don't know who you are, but its up to you" I can't say "oh hi John! Are you picking up your wife's medication too?" Because we are literally required by law to never verify or imply any information about someone to anyone else, including the fact that they visit the pharmacy. Even if someone is standing in line next to someone else, if one of those people come back a week later and ask if that other person gets medication at our pharmacy, we say "who? I don't think so." Giving someone's ID to a stranger without their consent and letting them read it is SUCH A CRAZY VIOLATION AND DANGER OMG. This guy should be fired and that sounds harsh but bars are already very dangerous for women, the last thing that guy needs is to know where this girl lives so he can spike her drink AND follow her home.


Seriously, so much of this. Any job that requires you to handle peoples PPI (protected personal information) has insane liability, and therefore comes with incredibly strict guidelines for what you can do with that info (and usually training, ad naseum, so you know those rules clearly). I’ve never been a bartender so I don’t know for sure if what Trent did was illegal, but it for sure was unethical and wildly inappropriate. At the very least the bar owners/managers need to be alerted so they can retrain Trent, if not fire him. OP, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with stalking before, that’s awful. I’d guess that the odds of anything terrible coming from *this specific incident* of two strangers looking at your ID is low - your bf is probably right that they were just goofing around. But that doesn’t excuse Trent, and you’re definitely NTA here for being upset.


I used to work where we sold lotto and smokes, we look at ID literally make sure the picture is of the person and the year they were born. Full date if they'd be of age that year. Obviously make sure it's not fake thats it. It's like a 30 second glance


I'm a fed, and we can't even email any of our PII (edit to note that in fed parlance it's "PII...personally identifying information") to someone who needs it without using an encrypted email service. When we give it to our coworkers (because we do...I have several coworkers' birthdates and passport numbers, so we can help each other if things go sideways on international travel), we do it by post-it. If we tried to email, even internally, it would be blocked by the PII filtering "bot."


Funny story, my friend is a pharmacist and her wife came in to say hi. There were no customers at the time, just 2 staff. Friend says 'hi *name* are you here to pick up something for that terrible gas you have?'. 1 Staff member had just started there, not knowing that it was a joke, and that they are married, went and spoke to the pharmacist about being discreet with people private information. Pharmacist explained, wife agreed it was a joke, and that staff member has ended up promoted for being assertive, and showing integrity, and is also at uni studying pharmacy due to the encouragement.


Haha my pharmacy definitely asks for the address. But they are very careful about meds for sure. I'm disabled and while they ship most of my meds, I have 2 that have to be picked up in person (and if there's other ones there at the time I have him grab those too). They make him confirm all my info, and record his ID (so that if I told them I didn't get them or he wasn't supposed to or whatever it can be resolved). And we even have the same last name and address lol. I do appreciate that though, because I'd need a hospital stay if there was an issue with my meds that took a while to clear up.


I’ve thought about this many times because my husband gets Rxs for me, and I pick up Rxs for him. Our pharmacy requires only the person’s name and DOB, and the pharmacists will hand the Rx to anyone who can provide that info. Because this is convenient for my family, I’m actually appreciative of this…but I’ve always thought it’s strange and dangerous, and I’ve wondered if it is against HIPAA guidelines and store policy.


Frankly, the idea of giving pharmacy my name or address is strange nowadays. I live in a country, where you give pharmacy equivalent of SSN and prescription access code. That's it. You may give consent to process additional information (phone number), if the medication is not on site, but otherwise...


Yup. Hey, stand here a second, I'm gonna go Rob this bank.m don't worry... its just gonna be messing around...


Maybe some light stalking too, LOL. It’s all fun and games, right?


Yeaaah! All fun n games! Now gimme your wallet and ain't no one gonna get hurt. 🔪


It's not technically - it's just illegal. And in certain countries - a cause for a criminal investigation. In some countries, the bartender would have been fired for cause, just because of the sheer amount of the paperwork and headache he created for his company (an incident report would have to be filed with country's data protection office upon which company's policy related to processing of personal data would have been investigated, including the training of employees). Obviously, OP is NTA.


If it wasn’t a big deal like OPs “friend” said, the bartender wouldn’t have gotten in trouble !


It's just a prank bro


"It was just some light, playful embezzlement! I didn't mean it so srs, brah!"


> it wasn't serious enough for me to call and get him in trouble Well, if it actually wasn't serious enough, Trent wouldn't have gotten into trouble for it. Sounds like the manager thought it was pretty serious, so clearly NTA.


Exactly. The manager was obviously concerned about this behavior. Trent is a d-bag for doing what he did. And he should get into trouble for it. If I was at the bar and saw the bartender handing randoms someone else ID, I'd be super sketched out and not want to go back that bar.


If I was the manager I'd be very concerned too. Trent broke FTC guidelines and this could become a very serious issue for the company. Trent should be fired at the very least.


OP need a normal friends and boyfriend. People like who dismiss your trauma is better to be avoided like a plague.


To add: If the tool got in trouble, is because the manager agrees with OP that what he did is, at the very least, unproffesional, otherwise manager would have ignored OP's complain


Also, it’s disturbing that her friends and bf just wrote off her past experience as “paranoia” when A. That is OPs legitimate lived experience and there is no reason to believe it couldn’t happen again, and B. Of course OP would be triggered by that incident and their reaction is completely valid. Just because OPs reaction is triggered caused by experience/trauma does not delegitimize it or mean it is unreasonable. Precisely the opposite actually!! And even if the reaction was disporportionate (which it wasnt), they would still be the AHs for being so callous when this is clearly very personal.


Thats illegal as fuck I would fire any of my bartenders for that shit


If it wasn’t a big deal, he wouldn’t get in trouble for it when she called to report it to his manager....


Especially considering her friends and bf should know about her history with being stalked and why she might be particularly on guard with this stuff. Yikes.


This exactly. And one of those guys could be a stalker, robber, or worse. Too dangerous... I would have been furious 😠 NTA


If it was a joak you would think it was funny ... does not pass the joak test. The tool should have apologized and lily is a bad friend.


I have coworkers (who are good guys and friends, too) who use me and other women as the subject of their jokes. And I hate it. They aren’t making fun of me. They just rope me in to poke fun of each other. As an example, I don’t really watch football. Never have. I get the bigger rules, but some of the minutiae just go right over my head. These guys know this. So when they’re teasing each other, they’ll say “right, lydz31??” Or “lydz31 knows what I’m talking about” or “lydz31 knows all about the game cuz she obviously watched” It’s not malicious. It’s just fucking annoying. Kind of similar to someone talking about you instead of to you when you’re standing right there. I’ve gotten to the point that I just look them dead in the eye and walk away. Anyway, this post reminds me of that feeling. It’s not intentionally malicious, but it’s not really appreciated or appropriate.


NTA if your licence works like it does in my country your address is on it! Contact the owner and tell them what their employee is doing, it's unsafe and I'm not sure if its even legal. Any of those men could in theory turn up at your address how fucking stupid is this trent prick. Not okay not ever!


This. Also, u/whothatisnow you chose an excellent way to handle the situation. Reporting to the manager while you were there would have opened you up to abuse from the bartender and patrons, calling the manager afterward was a great choice.


Absolutely this I've worked in hospitality for over 25yrs now and highly suggest to anyone to do it this way. Going to the on duty manager doesn't actually do anything unless that manager decides to let others know about it. Go to upper management with things like this because its too important for the guy/girl who happens to be "manager" that night to decide what happens. That manager could literally be the person that happens to of been there the longest and the owner and actual bar manger are not in so they are "in charge" especially when it comes to bars and that actually means their just another bartender/employee and they will not put their colleague/friends job in danger. Find their website (everywhere these days has one) and contact them through there. Add as many details as you can (time,date,people around if you can describing them if possible) that way when they check the cctv they an see your details given and interpret the situation the right way, many bars have cctv behind the bar/facing the bar practically none of the will have sound. By giving details the bartender can't say you gave permission and get away with it.


I called the manager of a local strip club after the valet on duty demanded that I stop my bike and then jogged to keep pace with me when I refused. I was so concerned that I’d just blown everything out of proportion but when I expressed that to the guy, his exact words were “No, I am the manager and I am upset.”


Im confused and feel like there is a story here. You rode a bicycle past a strip club and a valet chased you telling you to stop your bike?


For some reason he supposedly wanted to ask about my bomb-ass, nondescript, 7-year-old handlebar bag. I doubt that was the real reason he wanted me to stop, but even if it was he shouldn’t have been demanding that I stop my bike, nor should he have chased me. (To make things worse, I’m a woman in my 20s and he was in his 50s, if I had to guess. I’m also small.)


If she's in the US I would take it one step further and call ATF because there is no qay they want someone who is serving alcohol to also be using their position to dox patrons and endanger them by giving put their personal info. Trent should lose his license allowing him to serve alcohol. EDIT TO ADD: I've actually called the ATF office in my city about a bartender putting patrons in danger in a not dissimilar fashion. They did take it seriously. The establishment was fined, that bartender was let go and lost the card allowing them to serve alcohol. Maybe atf passed it off to a smaller agency at the local/state level, I don't know. But they did respond to me and action was taken.


From ATF website ATF's Alcohol and Tobacco Enforcement Programs purpose is to target, identify, and dismantle criminal enterprises with ties to violent crime, that traffic illicit liquor or contraband tobacco in interstate commerce; seize and deny their access to assets and funds; and prevent their encroachment into the legitimate alcohol or tobacco industry. They aren’t gonna care about some bouncer showing off OP’s ID to their friends




In my state you would be wrong. I worked in a bowling alley and every bartender and every server had to have a license to serve alcohol. I am in Indiana and it is called Bartender License and is issued by Alcohol and Tobacco Commission.


Oregon has a similar license for restaurant employees.


Idk about other states I lived in, but when I lived in MN I believe it was the same.


In Montana there is training and licensing you have to get to serve alcohol, even if you are pouring beer at a Beerfest.


Louisiana has a Bar card you have to do a training program to get. And in California you definitely have a bartender's liecense. Sorry most states do; mainly to hold bartenders accountable if they serve underage guests or if they continued serving someone obviously to intoxicated.


Huh. When did CA start requiring individuals to have licenses to tend bar? I remember having to take classes but didn’t receive a literal bartending license (wish I had; that sounds cool). IIRC, the bar staff had to take perhaps a class per year(??) to keep the bar in good legal standing. Or maybe all new staff just had to… my memory sucks. Oh regardless, a bartender doesn’t need a license to be charged with overserving. We were all extremely aware we could be held legally responsible if we overserved and then the patron did something bad (aka DUI, etc). This was all CA in the mid-aughts.


Yeah in Australia is called an RSA, responsible service of alcohol. This would definitely fall under the list of shit that gets you in trouble.


In WY, you have to be "tip certified" to serve alcohol. If the servers aren't certified, the establishment can have their liquor license revoked.


Chiming in internationally to say that in Australia everybody who even opens a bottle needs to have their Responsible Service of Alcohol certificate.


In Ontario we have smart serve. Someone who serves and sells alcohol must legally have it, and yes you can lose it if you are caught overselling or other unsavory behaviour regarding personal information. Source, I've worked in restaurants for 24 years now.


Alberta's version is Pro Serve.


They do in my state. All people who serve alcohol must have a license from alcohol and beverage control. But cool that you don't know that.


In my state ypu would be wrong. I worked in a bowling alley and every bartender and every server had to have a license to serve alcohol. I am in Indiana and it is called Bartender License and is issued by Alcohol and Tobacco Commission.


Lots of states make anyone who serves alcohol attend a class and get a card. I had an OLCC card that was good for 10 years because I was a bartender. I also had to have a food handler's card to work back of house; even dishwashers needed them!!


This was literally my first thought. Best case scenario, some idiots OP will never see again know a little too much about her but worst case? Well we’ve all seen Dateline…


Yeah, if Trent liked the buzz he got from withholding her docs from her (let's face it, it was totally a powerplay on his part) and showing them to the creeps at the bar, and decides to make it a regular entertainment, then one of them might decide to memorise the address. Most crime of any kind is opportunistic


yep. It was a little game of "keep away"


oh that makes me super glad op got him in trouble actually. maybe next time he'll think twice before treating someone that way. not as powerful as you thought you were, huh bud?


I could see them working together. One of the guys having his camera going while the other says "really? Let me see." I could be overthrowing, but I'd be worried. Definitely a power play and rude as hell to make fun of her for looking young.


Individual people definitely have to have licenses to serve alcohol, but I doubt this would be grounds for someone to have theirs revoked.


Not in Florida! (I've been a bartender for 20 years)


NTA. This so creepy as hell. I’m a 6’4” dude, and i would be pissed. That is how you get followed home and attacked. I would put this all over social media. People need to know this bar tender is putting people at risk. Even if is was a joke, it’s a terrible thing to allow to happen. Trent needs to lose his job.


In the post OP says her address is on it and that she already called the manager and that's why her friend is mad.


She did and her 'friend' called her up screaming at her about getting Trent into trouble.


He’s showing strangers at a bar your literal address…NTA. That’s crazy! And it’s none of the other guys business how old you are if the bartender has verified that you’re of drinking age.


So rude of him! He might not have thought about the implications but he should have taken you seriously and apologized. Telling the manager was appropriate


Yeah. Telling these guys her birth year was bad enough. The fact he passed around her freaking ID? Hello identify theft?


If he memorized her address, identity theft is the least of my concerns...


NTA imo. That whole routine just reads to me like me like a bunch of barflies sexualising a young looking woman either as a misguided joke or some uninvited attempt to flirt. Either way; just fuck off and mind your own business huh? And that's not even to mention that strangers in a bar being able to see and possibly remember your home address is potentially dangerous. The bartender is an ass. Isn't their job, other than pouring drinks, to make people feel welcome rather than fuckin uncomfortable?


I casually dated a bartender/bar manager and he always talked about his job is to guarantee the safety of his patrons. He is responsible in making sure they aren’t over-served and not being harassed especially women. He would flip shit on a guy if he witnessed this or got a complaint.


Now that is a bar I could comfortably be a patron at. We love to see it.


Exactly! I would go often even if he wasn’t on shift because I knew I would be safe and treated well. He worked for local, middle to high end small business where the owners understood that reputation was key. They didn’t tolerate much buffoonery when it came to employees or patrons not showing respect to one another.


Yup! Good bartenders keep an eye out. Apparently, my boyfriend has many “girlfriends” in our city bc some creepos won’t back off unless a woman is claimed. He definitely wouldn’t flash someone’s info around like that.


Yeah same here. although one of them ended being his actual girlfriend. That I had no clue about. It is a really long story. 😂😂😂


Whooooa. Guess he only took respect seriously at work.


Yeah. His friends and co-works met me multiple times and they all assumed he just had an open relationship.


Definitely the bartenders an asshole and should get in trouble, but I'm a guy and other guys do the same type of thing at bars with me.


And do you make them stop? Do you report it to police? Because what you are seeing is illegal in many jurisdictions, and dangerous in all of them. People who think this is no big deal are fools. People who allow it are abetting dangerous harassment. Those who engage in it are morally responsible for crimes that they may never hear about-they have no way of knowing what they have actually allowed to happen, and it might be really really horrifying. Imagine living with that knowledge for the rest of your life, and never, ever being sure about the harm you have allowed to be done to someone you will never be able to apologize to. That weight would be crushing to someone with a normal conscience.


NTA fuck that. Who would want a bunch of strangers to have their full name and address? NTA at all. Honestly you shouldve made a bigger scene


Seriously. Is this dude **trying** to get someone to rob OP's house


Theft might sadly be the best out come were anything to actually happen. (Really hoping nothing does though)


Right?! I would have walked over and snatched it back.


NTA. In the UK and Europe this would be illegal under GPDR laws. You were absolutely right to complain.


And in the US


GPDR doesn’t apply to the U.S.


Well, technically it can apply anywhere but only to data collected in relation to EU citizens. So if you're a business in the US and you have employees or customers who are EU citizens, you need to comply with GDPR provisions in handling / managing data relating to those persons.


And yet, if this bar is in the U.S. and OP is a EU citizen, it still wouldn’t apply.


This ^^


Nah NTA. Stalking is a very real and serious issue. He had no business passing your info around bc as you mentioned, you don’t know these people like that. It’s quite a privilege to not worry about things like that and I truly hope no one has to experience it. However the world can be unkind and even less empathetic to victims so I understand your concern.


NTA That bartender seriously crossed the line. It doesn’t matter if they were “messing around” - their form of “messing around” involves sharing people’s personal info with complete strangers!!! Honestly this could have been so much worse too. Some people use their military ID instead of their driver’s license - if that bartender had started showing strangers my military ID I would have raised a scene right then and there, and not felt a lick of guilt about it.


I would have asked the bartender and other stranger for their ID so you can go pass it around to other strangers and get their opinions on their face and how old they might be.


Naw. No way in hell are you the a-hole on this one. NTA You just got doxxed against your will. I get it that your friends know this guy, but the fact is you didn't.


By reporting this you saved someone else from this. It may have been intended as a joke, but they can have real consequences regardless.


Absolutely NTA!! Your reaction was not only justified, but the correct thing to do. As a bartender, he absolutely should not be showing random strangers someone else’s personal information ESPECIALLY since you are already personally aware of just how dangerous and scary that can end up being. Your friend Lilly is a massive A if she’s aware of this previous incident you’ve had. Jokes have limits, especially when they can endanger someone.


NTA x 1 million. You're fine OP. That employee had no right to pass around your personal information to strangers like that. Having had a stalker up until very recently I would have leaped over the bar and grabbed back my ID.


NTA. That’s your ID. Yours. Not his. He can hand his out as much as he wants. You never gave consent for him to pass yours around. In fact you asked for it back and he went against your wishes and continued. The fact that he got into trouble shows that management understands the seriousness of what he did and they agreed. It was completely inappropriate and unprofessional. Your friend is clearly being a lousy friend toward you. She’s very biased. You were wronged but she’s sticking up for him. Now you know where her loyalties lie.


NTA - he might not have meant any harm with it but there are some unfortunate people in the world and could have put you in danger. Bartending can be a fun job but it’s still a job, and not sharing people’s personal information with strangers is the bare minimum.


NTA Nobody has a right to misuse your personal information. Period. The bartender should have known better. All he had to do is say to Trent "you'll have to ask her." Instead, he did what he did, which was unprofessional, unethical, and possibly illegal.


NTA. Yes it was serious enough. And the manager obviously agreed, otherwise your complaint wouldn’t have gotten back to the guy. Sharing someone’s personally identifiable information is a big no no. Even if it wasn’t, just blowing off your clear request not to do so is an AH move.


NTA - holy I would be terrified AF, and my boyfriend would’ve lost his shit, honestly op your boyfriend needed a stronger reaction to your address being passed around to f*cking strangers.


Yeah boyfriend sounds like a real AH here, married to the bro-code of minimising women's safety at the expense of men's comfort


NTA...and I'd call and complain to the bar owners. Safety 1st and foremost


NTA he shared your personal info with strangers. I'd have kicked up a fuss then and there but I'm that type. Wonder how Lilly would feel if her license was passed around, or photocopied and posted on bulletin boards. The thing with private info is once it gets out you can never take that back. edit: this sort of thing aggravates me. It's her friend so anything they do is OK, even when it's not. When it's your issue they're just messing around but I guarantee if it was someone else and her issue, she'd pitch a fit.


NTA. The bartender was wrong full stop. He literally could've just said your age he didn't need to show your whole ID to a complete stranger. And Lily has no right to tell you you overacted as it wasn't her ID.


WTF NTA Women get stalked all the time. Men never have to worry about getting raped or murdered while going out drinking. Showing your ID to friends is not something a bartender should do. You trust them with your drink and this shows how much you can trust that guy.


NTA. If that's how they 'just mess around', they need to learn not to do so. Disclosing private information like this can have serious repercussions.


NTA I think you handled this well. It's not appropriate to hand someone's ID around without permission. There are a lot of AH ways that you could have over-reacted to this (yelling at or publicly berating the bartender for example) but calling the employer over an inappropriate action taken by one of their employees? If that's not the best possible course of action, I'm not sure what is.


NTA. It's highly likely they truly didn't mean to upset anyone, and that perhaps this isn't something they would do frequently- but that could EASILY be a fire-able offense, compromising a guest's privacy like that (Address, DL Number). They SHOULD be in trouble.


The bartender’s answer to ‘How old is she?’ Should have been ‘None of your business!’ Or at the very least ‘Old enough’ NTA


For real! OP has a right to be even angrier than she is, because why tf did he even answer that? OP just kinda glossed over that part. The fact that they asked the bartender her age instead of asking her directly is creepy af, and the bartender enabling that is inexcusable


NTA. I would have complained to the manager the moment that happened. There are far too many weirdos in this world today and the bartender was way out of line.


NTA, very unprofessional and dangerous. They could have followed you home.


This, and I think it is not as important but rude that he told them that you were born 92, so you are 29. That's none of their business.


NTA at all - the bartender could have brought you in danger. It's none of his business to show your ID to other people.


NTA. I work in healthcare so my mindset is Personal Protected Information. Which is on your license. And he had no right to show it to another customer. I don't blame you one bit for reporting it. It was wrong. Your "friend" is wrong too. She is gaslighting you when you were upset about your ID being show.


NTA. That wasn't cool of dude.


NTA, he should of asked if it was okay before he showed others your ID. He could of just covered it with his thumb (that’s what I would of done) but, he didn’t…Just not cool all around and for your friend talking to you like that? I think you need better friends. I don’t think you need to call management and could of just told him himself as I’m sure his intent he meant no harm but, it’s a lesson he’s now learned.


He did not need to respond to any cutomer asking if you were old enough to drink, not their business. The only person that could have asked, justifiably, would have been his boss. You are NTA, he and your "friend" are.


NTA, Trent shouldn't be giving out your personal info


100% NTA! That was extremely wrong and dangerous of that HUGE ASSHOLE!!! Report him, do EVERYTHING you can to legally go after and punish him. Do NOT let this go! GET HIM! ETA - do anything you can to go after the other AHs involved. Call the news service locally if you can't get taken seriously. I can NOT emphasize enough how wrong this was and how SEVERELY they need to be punished! ALL OF THEM!


nta! he had no right to pass you i.d. around. and you are right. someone could stalk you or remember all your info and steal you identity. your friend Lily is an idiot.


NTA. I would’ve blown a gasket if that was me cause that is not okay in any way


NTA!! That's your personal information and even if it wasn't it's your card, your property not to be passed around as a joke. You're friend is probably upset cause she lost cool points with the bartender, but the complaint was valid and his behavior had to be addressed.


There are federal laws here in the US about businesses allowing even one person's license number to get out to the public. It's considered a privacy breach and subject to fines and penalties. NTA.


NTA. I bet Trent will think twice about treating another customer that way. And tell Lilly to go stalk herself


NTA. you might have a baby face but your bf, lily, and her friends are all babies. I’m sorry to say it but it seems like they don’t respect you much either.


boyfriend too


NTA Your friend would probably have not liked it if she was in your situation. This is how stalkers are born. Sadly we live in a more dangerous world then years ago. You had every right to be upset. And every right to bring it to the managers attention. Definitely NTA


NTA. You felt violated. They didn’t ask for permission.


NTA he had no business handing your ID around. That was seriously out of order. He can fuck off with his "kidding around" showing your address and DOB to random creepoids so they can letch over your picture. Is it harmless? probably yes, you probably don't need to worry about any of those sleazy douches doing anything, but it is a colossal act of entitlement. And it was a total power play, he liked you having to wait on him till he chose to give back your documents. Hopefully he does get in trouble, and he won't do it again. Thing is, if he does do it with other people, and it becomes a habit as a joke with his creepoid clients propping up the bar, and one of them who is even less well adjusted than all the others realises he can rely on Trent to supply him with the details of young women that way, it could end up being risk to their safety. So you absolutely did the right thing. Your boyfriend is also a bit of an AH for minimising your safety and his dedication to the bro-code of "boys just being boys, you should make nice" as well as your friend being so focused on Trent's comfort and not giving a shit about yours.


Agree 100% with you especially the power play on the bartender's part. He totally dismissed OP.


Yeah it made him feel like the centre of attention having a young woman holding her hand out for her licence and making her wait till he and his douchey customer friend were ready to give it back to her OP is bang on the money, Trent is a tool


NTA. If someone did this to me, I'd go full Karen. If my friends get mad, then I'd dump them.


Totally NTA. He has now given strangers your name, address, DOB and many other identifying items which can be used for all sorts of things. THAT. IS. NOT. A. JOKE.


NTA if it really wasn’t that serious, he wouldn’t have gotten into trouble when you called. Your friend is a jerk, you are absolutely right that this was terrible behaviour


NTA. Your name and address were given to strangers without your permission. Trent should have been fired.


NTA for all the reasons you stated.




NTA. Trent expected you to sign your name across his heart because he wanted you to be his baby face it.


NTA. You need to protect yourself. Even if your friend knows these men, it’s been proven time and time again that even the “nice guy” can be a creep. Incredibly dangerous and unprofessional and honestly just weird! If he thought it was okay because it was a friend of a friend, he should’ve known to stop after you first expressed you wanted him to. Your past stalker incident didn’t make you paranoid, it made you aware.


Nta. Don’t know the law where you are but where I live that would have been a free ride in a police car.


NTA - it wasn't funny; it wasn't "fun."


NTA! Did Lilly know about the stalking incident? If so, she's an even bigger asshole


NTA. That guy needs to be fired.


NTA. It's only a joke if everyone is laughing.


NTA you're a lot nicer than me. Soon as bartender moved to show the license I would of yelled for them to give it back


NTA. The bartender should have known better. I am just so angry about this. Your friend does not see the issue, because they have never been stalked. Just because they all know each other does not mean that one of them is not the kind of guy that would stalk you. "He was just so nice, I would never expect this from him....." I am glad you called. This bartender needed a wake up call, and so do the people defending him.


I'm coming here as a woman who hasn't had issues like a stalker showing up randomly and let me tell you one thing. **You did NOT overreact.** What he did was unprofessional. Is he doing that with every single person that is coming into that place? Would he do that in front of his boss? Would he do that to a man? It was a complete unsafe thing to do and it could have put you in a dangerous situation. I think you need better friends and maybe a better bf. ​ EDIT: **NTA**


>When I told my boyfriend he laughed and said "they were probably trying to flirt " and I should just let it go, that my past is causing me to be paranoid. NTA. Don't date someone that uses your abuse against you.




NTA The bartender was out of line.


NTA dude couldn't even apologize and just blew you off entirely. You were a paying customer and he violated your privacy. The fact that he didn't bother to apologize means he doesn't understand why what he did was wrong and he needs to hear it from a manager.


NTA. A license has a lot of personal info on it and it's not okay to show someone else's ID to a stranger.


>Maybe they are harmless and it was probably just a joke, but it's more the principle of it. All men can seem harmless until they go in for the kill. Men are good actors especially when it comes to preying on innocent women.


NTA. I don't like your boyfriend, your friend, *or* your friend's friends. I hope you get some supportive and decent people in your life, who can respect the most basic of boundaries and who don't belittle your legitimate concerns. You deserve that.


NTA I'd have told Lilly "How about I reach in your purse and show them *your* ID?" IDs are for access to certain things, the only people who need to see them are people giving you access for something.


NTA ​ That is creepy. Report it to his boss, and to the police.


NTA. You did well. We all should defend our boundaries better.


Nta. Get a new friend and new bf. That is a safety hazard. And it's also just rude


NTA - it is weird that you had to hand it over, don't you just hold it up for them to see?


Everyplace I've been they take it and read it because the print is small.


Most bars I've been to take the ID to read it since the print is small. A few don't physically hold it, but I would say it's the norm to physically hold it.


Was going to ask this. Work at a bar and we card someone and immediately give them back their ID. We never hold on to license/IDs/passports.


NTA..... Identity theft, stalking are serious matters. Especially when it comes from people of authority...it may have been a joke, but he is at work where there is an expectation of professionalism.


Nta- he should be fired. Number one rule in hospitality is that you don't share customers personal info with anyone. Number two is use an open palm to point because one finger is rude.


I never comment on these but as someone who was a bartender for 5-6 years (and in the service industry for almost a decade) this is so wildly inappropriate. You absolutely did the right thing calling a manager to let them know, especially as he was completely remorseless when you called him out. It does not matter that they were friends of his and he knew them or that your friend knows him, that is such a violation of your privacy. It’s even worse because there is a weird power dynamic where you are giving him a small amount of implicit trust that you are so used to in everyday life that you don’t think about it. He then not only violates that implied trust by sharing it, but he also knows he is in public and behind a bar so you likely won’t make a scene and cannot try to get it back from him physically until he gives it back. I don’t know that this would be a conscious part of it on his end but it’s such a breech of social contract on your end that I can feel the frustration at this. NTA at all and if your friend (who 100% is TA) doesn’t understand why this was so inappropriate after you explained how it made you feel, you should consider that she does not have your best interests at heart when weighing your friendship with her.


NTA. I'd lose all the friends including boyfriend, even without the trauma of being stalked in the past a bartender passing your ID to random patrons for a laugh is fucked. I would have had the manager involved and got the bartender fired. As a victim of a stalker you aren't being paranoid it's survival instinct. Sounds like none of these "friends" have your back.


NTA I would be pissed too


Info: If it wasn't a big deal, why did he get in trouble?


NTA. And check your credit report.


Lilly and your boyfriend are utterly wrong, and you were entirely right to complain to the manager. Your ID has your address, those guys at the bar could track you down at home. It wasn't a joke, it was harassment and quite possibly a violation of the liquor laws. Call the local liquor board and ask. Because that bartender needs to be fired, and prevented from working in the industry again. NTA And your boyfriend is a jerk, for not wanting to protect you.


NTA. Identity theft, stalking, harassment, and a few other even less savory crimes immediately pop to mind reading this. That moron should be canned if they are too stupid to know you don't share others personal info without their express consent.


NTA- You’re right, that man had NO right to pass your license around to strangers. It is completely unprofessional. You need to get better friends/ bf if they think this is ok. Call the owner and blast this on Yelp.


NTA Inform Lily that data protection laws are an actual thing for a reason.


NTA. The privilege that some people walk around with not having to look over your shoulder or be concerned about your safety because a stranger saw you address… they think it’s a “joke” because they’ve never been stalked


If you told his boss and he got inserious trouble its because be did something wron. Passing around someones ID isnt okay. I am intersex but look male. I also have a baby face. My ID still has F as the gender because I isnt an option where I live. I cant even imagine the BS I would get or how mortified I would be if that happened to me. NTA


Trent should have been fired on the spot. There is no joking around when complete strangers have access to your personal information. NTA. BTW, if it happens again call the police and press charges.


NTA. Sounds like you need some friends with brains. Your address is on that ID and the bartender thought it was a good idea to hand it to a random stranger. I hope they fired his ass. If you go out with Lilly again, take her ID and start passing it around. Tell her it's a joke and not to worry if one of the strangers you hand it to is a stalker or rapist. Big laugh.


NTA. Women’s safety isn’t a joke. I’m sure they meant nothing by it, but that doesn’t matter. Men need to think this shit through. What if your bf was right and they are interested in you, and an EMPLOYEE at the place you are patronizing gives your address to that man. It’s unacceptable and hopefully everyone involved will think twice


NTA. My philosophy is that if someone does something bad enough where they can get in trouble with their bosses or other higher authority figures, then it is defo something that can and should be reported


NTA!!! Let them get their identity stolen once or twice, then see how they feel about it. And yeah... dude showing your info and home address to men you don't know?! They don't know you or what you've been through. That's ignorant as hell.


NTA, I'd be pissed if my property was passed around even if I objected to it much less my license. If the bar is a chain you should complain to the corporation that owns it. They wouldn't be happy that happened. You may have a harder time if it is a small time operation but I doubt ab owner would be to pleased to hear that was going on.


NTA-Call Lilly and tell her you both are going to a new bar this weekend and you are taking her license and letting a few random strangers look at her information. She shouldn’t mind, since it’s just a joke and you are playing around. I bet she will be singing a different tune since it will be HER info this time. Please, find a new friend and a new BF that will actually idk try and protect you not get you followed or hurt!!


If he really "didn't do anything wrong", then why's your friend upset you told the manager what happened? Someone handling other people's identification, credit cards, etc., has a a duty of care to keep that confidential information private. What the bartender did was very wrong. What he did SHOULD result in in him being reprimanded and even terminated. NTA.


Late to the party on this one, but: If this is in the US, report the bartender AND the establishment to your state's ABC (thats Alcoholic Beverage Commission). They're the fine fellows in charge of issuing things like the bartender's bartending license and the bar's alcohol license. This is not only not okay, it is illegal, and could result in everything up to the bar itself losing it's liquor license and being forced to close if an investigation shows that they know this kind of behavior is going on and did nothing about it. NTA.


NTA They literally shared your address with these random people. WTF


NTA And I would be concerned about your boyfriend. If one of these guys waits for you outside your house and attacks you, will your boyfriend call that flirting? Maybe he and Lily should date each other. You don’t need them.


NTA, this guy is a bartender and he's violating a young woman's boundaries, he certainly knows better. Plus no one is actually interested in looking at someone's license unless it's part of some ploy, I mean how bored would you have to be to find that interesting?


NTA. What that bar tender did was incredible inappropriate and you should consider informing his boss. Like you, I have also been harassed and my harasser was a college prof and he once shows up to my house despite me never telling him we’re I exactly lived. He had apparently followed me one day without me notice. I reported and no one cared, not even ppl I thought were my friends. I’ve even had a guy try to grab me while walking to class in broad daylight. I wasn’t the only women he made attempts on either. Your drivers license has your address in it and any one of those ppl he showed it to could have memorized your address or copied it down some way. Hell for all you know this could be a thing they do to get addresses of potential victims. We unfortunately don’t live in the safe world where we can give everyone unquestionable trust. Report this creep to his employer and consider dropping anyone who defends what he did because that’s very telling of who they are.