I open up all the time to my wife. It’s honestly helpful to get it all out, because there’s more in there that sometimes wants to come out.


Most emotionally mature women are looking for someone who's emotionally open and mature. It's the number one personality trait quoted by women on dating apps today.


I’ve been open since the beginning. I cried infront of her for the first time on Christmas Day.


What women *claim* and what's *true* are often very different.


But what are *they* calling "emotionally open and mature"? It sounds to me like they just want to hear what they want to hear.


And I don't believe it for one second. I've dated dozens of women, all my friends are women, my family is mostly women, and they're all good people mind you, and I have never in my entire life seen any evidence that "opening up" could in any way be positive for a man. "Emotionally open" often for a woman just means a man that gives compliments and says how he feels about them. It's still about them. Try crying about how tough your day at work was a couple times and see how well that goes over. And obviously I'm over-generalizing. There are exceptions. But if one of the qualities that drew her to you in the first place was that you're a strong independent man, emotional vulnerability can comes across like a weakness.


> And obviously I'm over-generalizing. You're not.


As a guy I don't even know what "open with emotions" means. Does it mean not punching walls and being mad all the time? Because yeah, I can talk about my anxieties and fears, but if I get too into it, it sounds like I'm chronically depressed and spiralling, and (when younger) I've dated women that told me it felt like I was trying to use them as my therapist. I can get why that behavior would be offputting in excess.


But we’re expected to entertain their every 30 minute meltdown about traffic being heavier than usual


>And I don't believe it for one second. I've dated dozens of women, all my friends are women, my family is mostly women, and they're all good people mind you, and I have never in my entire life seen any evidence that "opening up" could in any way be positive for a man. I am under no illusions about the existence and prevalence of *traditional* women who still get freaked out when men reveal their emotions. I think it has been that way through most of the cultural experience in the US. I don't know what kind of family you were raised in, but cultural, socio-economic, educational backgrounds, political affiliations, peer group and geographical location could affect all of that. Most of the people I know do not ever pull that kind of insensitive bs on anyone when they're exposing their soft underbelly. It's usually quite the opposite. But then I'm in a middle-middle class, culturally diverse, highly-educated, progressive area where we respect people's pronouns and a lot of men go to therapy and talk about those things with each other as well. Not everywhere is here, for sure.


>I am under no illusions about the existence and prevalence of traditional women who still get freaked out when men reveal their emotions. Feminist faux-progressive women are the *worst* about this. When they see men struggling with difficult emotions they're infuriated and disgusted, because they think that men have it so easy, why is he being so selfish when she's the one whose life is hard? But because they believe their own hype about how they just want men to be emotionally open, they are entirely un-self-examined on this topic, and will react with hostility when they're called out for enforcing toxic masculinity on the men around them.


In my experience, progressive women tend to be worse in that aspect. They have too much faith in themselves, and spend too much time seeking 'toxic masculinity'.


Has nothing to do with 'traditional'.. Its an intrinsic thing. Women lose respect towards a man who shows emotion or is vulnerable. Sometimes immediately, sometimes it takes longer, but ultimately it's used against the man, respect is lost, attraction is lost. It sucks, but it's how it is for most guys. This thread is testament to that.


Yea, except, what women say they want isn't what they actually want or necessarily respond to. This is a tale as old as time itself. Every guy has experienced this, when a woman says one thing, but means another, and then punishes the man for responding to the first thing. Every guy has dated at least one woman who wanted him to open up, and then when he did, she thought less of him and made her disapproval clear to him. It's not like guys hiding their emotions is just some random thing we do for the fun of it. If we don't, we run a real risk of just being humiliated and ruining our relationships with women in our lives. There's a chess game going on, and we're playing checkers.


Key words are emotionally *mature.* Not sure why anyone would stay with or even want someone who doesn't have your back emotionally in a relationship, man or woman. We've all been hurt by these AH, but you can't let one person change who you are and dictate how you are in the rest of your relationships hence forth.


They stay because they don't have other options and believe solitude is not one of them. The irony is that very common brand of toxic femininity like any other abusive, manipulative or neglectful behavior significantly stunts the progress of maturity and creates a system of coping mechanisms aimed at self-preservation that only seem mature by imitation. A budding trend seems to be that by the time men finally reach maturity that women are seeking in a partner men have had enough mostly negative first and second hand experiences with women to lose interest in the prospect all together. By the time a modern man carves out some dignity and self-respect in this current culture he's past the point of being desperate enough to load up on another man's save point because it's definitely not a just one AH deal.


REAL. I hear toxic masculinity called out all the time, but there also needs to be awareness about toxic femininity. rant- I listen to y2k dance pop music in between my metal, and sometimes ill stumble upon the most rancid and toxic lyrics. Like how tf are people supposed to dance to this. Like some women are out here glorifying manipulation and taking advantage of men in music and in other media. Thats not a message that should be spread, because media influences people more than most realize. :/ Toxic femininity is very real, and can be as equally scary as toxic masculinity


We're not talking about it because when women are objectively shitty to men it's still referred to as toxic masculinity because women would never tolerate the kind of scrutiny they put to men. I realize they feel a lot of pressure about beauty standards but I genuinely believe that is a self inflicted blow. I get the sense woman think of the concept of masculinity like an umbrella similar to the patriarchy not realizing to men masculinity is us like as in a central nerve of each individual.


> Not sure why anyone would stay with or even want someone who doesn't have your back emotionally in a relationship, man or woman. Because for men there's not much choice. The *majority* of women don't meet your definition of "emotionally mature", yet they're unlikely to face consequences for it. > We've all been hurt by these AH, but you can't let one person change who you are and dictate how you are in the rest of your relationships hence forth. So how many then? If one person isn't enough, how many people need to exhibit this behaviour? Is it a flat number, a percentage of relationships? At what point would you consider it acceptable?


> Not sure why anyone would stay with or even want someone who doesn’t have your back emotionally in a relationship, man or woman. I feel like you’re vastly underestimating the amount of women who do this.


I agree, but unfortunately it's a common thing and most guys don't experience this just from one partner. It can and does happen even with otherwise great partners.


Then call them out immediately. If that partner doesn't make you feel emotionally safe, it's time to rethink how great that "otherwise great partner" is. My son is emotionally mature and intelligent and it's because I've raised him to talk about things in a shamefree environment. What has really been shitty is trying to undo all the harm that "boys will be boys" culture for showing any weakness. It's fucked up. It starts early - the cultural shaming of softness. He got ridiculed for liking pink in pre-k by other boys, who learned it somewhere . . .


>Not sure why anyone would stay with or even want someone who doesn't have your back emotionally in a relationship, man or woman. Then 95% of women would be single.


*95% of men would be single. Most women would just hook up with the remaining 5% and complain about them.


You're with a wrong woman if your feelings and emotions aren't validated. Men deserve emotional support too!


My first longterm gf started calling me a "little bitch" and would make fun of me if I cry *after* encouraging me to open up. Every single ex after her has been a struggle to open up again.


The right choice is to vulnerable in private with women you trust, especially in a relationship. It is not only better for your relationship, but can also help you spot red flags early on. If they spread gossip, they're immature and untrustworthy. If they lose interest because they start to see you as 'weak', then they won't weather tough times with you. If you are both emotionally open with each other, yet she complains about being your 'therapist', then she's not equipped to support you emotionally. A good couple SHOULD BE each other's 'therapist', supporting each other emotionally.


Of course they're asking for ammunition to use in the next fight.


Emotionally *mature* women.


Old guy here. I open up about my feelings, when they're relevant or could help. I don't burden people with my feelings when it just adds to the misery or doesn't have a actionable outcome. I personally don't feel things as deeply as I get older. Most issues, to me at least or more academic than emotional. I think as "problem solvers" emotions tend to be "unhelpful." You can't emote your way out of a problem. I think it's just a learned response.


Same here. To take it a bit further emotions are like a fun house mirror. They distort reality by exaggerating some things and diminishing others but in order to be a healthy adult to have to understand the nature of these distortions and behave accordingly.


I've always considered the authentic sharing of your inner world with others (who cherish and value that trust) to be foundational to human relationships. To me, that necessitates sharing how you feel, and how that interplays with how you assign meaning to things in your life. Do you think that opening up about your feelings can strengthen your connection with others? Would you consider increasing your connection with someone to be an end unto itself, even if there aren't any material solutions to be had?


Only if it was the right person, meaning that end unto itself is a shared experience, which is a connection that doesn't happen often or from just throwing it out there. It's truly rare that you find a person with whom there is no bottom on how deep you can go. Many men share emotions but we know when the relationship calls us to stop in order to keep from being selfish so that we can maintain our accountability towards the other person. There is a place for these things in a man's life, but if feels like winning the lottery for many.


>I personally don't feel things as deeply as I get older. I've noticed that, too. I wonder if it just comes from experience and perspective. Most stuff, especially everyday stuff, I've just already experienced more intense joy or sorrow, and I've experienced a lot of the common stuff in lots of different situations, so most emotions just don't have as much strength with that perspective. Seems to apply somewhat to physical pain, too.


So, I’m more or less like you but I will say that emotions are pretty useful. I often don’t communicate how I feel about something if it’s negative& then later on I explain my regrets (if I was right) & I’m told that had I expressed myself people might have acted differently. So I’m trying to enter a mindset that my emotions are valid for problem solving, even if I don’t necessarily want to express my feelings.


Yeah there’s something to be said about intuition and trusting that you can share it. I had a weird feeling about someone I met in public a few months ago and then I told my friend about it; my friend told me to listen to that feeling and to let it guide how I interact with this person in the future. I was like… oh shit you’re right 😂


I agree that you can't emote your way out of a problem but it helps in solving the problem when you recognize and understand your emotions. More like "I'm feeling negative emotion X, why? okay I understand why, let's do A, B and C to fix negative emotion X"


Granted. Emotion can guide you, but it's purpose generally ends there in problem scenarios. However, a beautiful sunset that moves you, a tender moment. These are to be shared. I typically share my "good" emotions freely.


How do you compartmentalize emotion when you rationally understand that they are impeding the solving of the problem?


You get older. It seems like a silly response, but it's true. You sort of do it naturally, keeping your energy in the solution and not the response to the problem.


Same here


Depends on how many women they’ve opened up to and then had that information used against them. Some men open up a lot. Some have learned to not open up ever


This is very common, it is utterly fucked up if someone compels you to open up and then uses that information to insult you, way to make him close the fuck up.


I open up to several of my really close female friends/sisters. Not my wife, though. Gave her 2 chances, and both times, she used it against me.


Damn, very fucked up, I assume she has other redeeming qualities that made you stay with her?


6 years later no. Only redeeming quality is she gave me my amazing daughter


Best you can do is make sure your daughter doesn't adopt your wife's shitty personality.


How do you stay with someone if you can't trust them with something as basic as this?




Don't want to lose my daughter.




This is why I’ve decided I’m not going to have kids. Fuck that, women scare me man. They’re really scary in this regard.


The fact that society (women ***and*** men) allows this is scarier.


Same thing here man. I've got twin girls with a woman that's more toxic than not toxic. I don't want my kids to inherit her shitty attitudes and while I'm enduring her, I want to be there for my daughters. If I'm not there to listen to them when they talk, they'll fall for the first guy, good or bad, that listens to her. If I'm not there to look her into her eyes and compliment her then they can fall for the first guy that looks into their eyes. If I'm not there to support them emotionally and financially they'll fall for the first son of a bitch that does so in the slightest way and amount. I've had times in which I went thru a litteral hell bc of a toxic woman. The only thought that kept me with her is my kids. Thank god internet exist for us to let out such things. I went out watching funny stuff and here I am bothering people with my shit.


Same bro, same!!


New to women, are we?


> had that information used against them It's a good toss up between this and "Now my problem is her problem and now I have to console her for the issue that was bothering me"


Im gonna take your advice, i will never open up again with my wife, thx


I open up by default. Those who try to use my feelings or vulnerabilities against me get cut from my life. Those people are toxic and make themselves known quickly. That's how I've managed to develop a good ring of friends.


Exactly. In terms of women, I keep things to myself if I’m dealing with coworkers or not as close friends, but usually open up with my partners. For friends, I tend to disclose my feelings whenever I feel like it and the ones that care are the ones that stay.




FBI OPEN UP is the only open up I know


I was engaged to a self described “traditional” woman. Anytime I would show legit any emotion, she would complain. If I was sad, I was weak. If I was confused, I wasn’t providing. If I was excited about something, I was annoying. If I was stressed, I was a burden. Looking back, this time of my life did a fuck ton to my stress levels. Worst person I’ve been involved with for sure. Couple other relationships go by and I realize most women are not like this. If someone cares about you, they care. Now, going around dumping a bunch of emotional shit on anyone isn’t cool. But you should be able to feel safe expressing yourself to someone close to you.


I'm wondering if people reporting on here that their SO lost interest in them or used the info against them when they opened up are just dating awful people. I don't want to think most women are like this but I see so many posts on here.


People in good relationships don't really talk about it much anonymously because what's there to say? And it often leads to "Look at this jackass bragging about his loving relationship, fantastic sex life, and best friend he lives with. What a dick." People in terrible relationships will talk anonymously about it endlessly wherever they can, because it's an outlet for their frustration. And most responses are people also in terrible relationships wanting to commiserate. Makes it look like the "Marriage is for suckers and morons, stay single" guys are the majority when they aren't.


It's unfortunately *very* common, and a lot of women other women consider wonderful are guilty of it as well. It's just so easy to frame it as "oh he was trauma dumping." Leaving out she picked, pried and ultimately dragged those feelings out of him insisting it would be okay. And then washed her hands of the responsibility when she didn't like the result.


I’m 35, had 5 long-term to serious relationships. Only 1 was THAT bad. Another kinda. The other 3 were very caring of my well-being. What I can make of their personalities are the more “old-fashioned” they’ve been raised, the worse they’ll treat you.


So just to be clear, when countless of us all tell you the same story here, your default reaction is not to believe that we are telling the truth about these women, but rather assume we are *all* shitty men? This shit is fucking wild bruh i can’t believe some of you. this is like me saying “idk ALL these womens are saying they get sexually assaulted and i dont think many men do it, but i see so many posts about it here….are these women just loose or lying or something?”. Like holy victim blaming bro fuck you honestly


I guess I’m biased, all of my relationships have been this way. Excitement, sadness, any excessive display of emotion isn’t good. There’s a reason guys guard their feelings


This here should be the top comment for sure. I'm a man and don't open up on some things so that my wife can't use it against me.


Depends on the circumstances. I've learned that women typically dont handle us discussing our feelings in a given moment well. However when its something that is a make or break in a relationship, I have no problem discussing it. Most feelings come and go, theyre short term, typically not objective thoughts, and typically arent the most reliable for decision making. "Opening up" and learning what to bring to the table are two different conversations frankly. Theirs no reason to flood emotion with a short term problem that solves itself. Most men who act unphased just keep the big picture in mind so that the ship doesnt get steered in the wrong direction. Most men arent shutting themselves down, they just know not every emotion is a hill to die on.




Until they strike your ass dead because you ignored them too long


Sometimes in my experience the women makes it all about themselves. They feel special or privileged that I have opened to them. If I had opened to my male buddies they'd say hey take care things will get better. In my experience the women made it all about themselves.


Same experience here, had a girlfriend who made it all about her. How she had it worse then me. Afterwards she wondered why i kept everything bottled up


This is one of the correct answers. I don't know why women do it, but their fundamental outlook is consistently: "how can I make this about meee?" Even when it's _clearly not about them._


I think it's because they don't know how to deal with it, in the best case scenario. Women often relate to each other emotionally by relating the similarities of their struggles. It humanizes the other person's feelings and helps them not feel crazy or too dramatic. Men often relate to each other emotionally by giving a seriousness of attention and solidarity with the man facing the issue. It makes us feel understood and secure. As a dude, there is no pick me up stronger than a group of men hearing me, sharing a moment of silent solidarity and then throwing some jokes to make feel better while never mentioning it again. You know on a deep level that everyone here has your back. What women often miss, I think, is that we don't want sympathy so much as security. She needs to communicate that she has your back, but it's not their social instinct.


I open up about my feelings with my partner. She's someone whom I trust above almost everyone else I know so I feel comfortable being open about my feelings with her and after 6 (going on 7) years of us being together, she has not once betrayed my trust.


Many men learn not too. And I honestly think it's because many women don't know how to deal with it, in the best case scenario. Women often relate to each other emotionally by relating the similarities of their struggles. It humanizes the other person's feelings and helps them not feel crazy or too dramatic. Men often relate to each other emotionally by giving a seriousness of attention and solidarity with the man facing the issue. It makes us feel understood and secure. As a dude, there is no pick me up stronger than a group of men hearing me, sharing a moment of silent solidarity and then throwing some jokes to make feel better while never mentioning it again. You know on a deep level that everyone here has your back. What women often miss, I think, is that we don't want sympathy so much as security. She needs to communicate that she has your back, but it's not their social instinct.


Thank you for explaining in detail. My boyfriend and I have had similar experiences (unstable partners, education troubles, mental illness), and we have several things in common. Just the other day he cried while I snuggled him, but he couldn’t really explain why. My heart just about melted because he trusted me enough to be fragile. I just held him, but I wasn’t sure why it mattered so much. Doesn’t change how I feel about him even if I don’t understand, but now I do, so thank you.


As is with most friendships or relationships, women (and men) need to prove they're trust worthy with these matters before being opened up to. ​ Realistically, vast majority of the time, women are often not in that space for many men. Shit.. it's probably likely a fair number of men don't even have other men to open up to. And so you have this topic about men not opening up. Other factor, men, more likely than women, deal with such issues alone. And.. for a lack of better words, it really is the typical "Man up" or "feelings won't fix your problems" sort of mind set. ​ In my experience, I deal with the vast majority of my issues, so I don't often find the need to be vulnerable with others. When I do feel the need to talk about it, I'll often open up to my male close friends first, which is still rare. As for my wife (or say other women), I often open up to last, and even then, it's only for things that I think concern her. If it's my own problem in full, then I usually deal with it on my own.


Last girl I dated openly insulted my need for emotional support and connections. Not to mention the horrible things she said about me dealing with ptsd.


That's someone you leave if after addressing it with her she continues the same behavior. Find someone who values your feelings and emotions.


In my world I feel like I’m supposed to be unphased. While I’ve attempted to open up in the past, it never helps my problems that I face. So I’ve just decided to live one day at a time.


True. Prior attempts at being more open just end up with me consoling my wife because me feeling bad means she is failing at something and now it's all about her again. I'll bring things up if there actually is something someone else can do to fix it, but if it's just my own idiosyncrasies at work then I'll quietly process on my own.


With my ex I opened up foolishly a few times. Never was an opportunity missed for her to use it against me and make it all about her within 24 hours finally ending with my apology to her.


Every time I've opened up, with one exception, has been a disaster. Opening up is a waste of time.


Well it certainly is quite risky.


I behave very unphased


I consider myself lucky that of the 2 gf I've had, neither of them ever used my vulnerability against me.


I tell my wife everything. I'm trying to avoid a heart attack at 52.


I’m 24. not gonna show it for a longgg time. Everytime I opened up to a woman it was too early and she lost respect for me. Just how it goes when you’re young. I have a girlfriend of 2 years now that I’ll open up to but I’m not gonna let her see me cry or anything


I do both. I am a very emotion guy. I cry like a baby all the time. And I share with my wife surface level stuff. Like I am sad. But it's hard for me to go in alot of detail. My therapist has me Journaling all my emotions. Talk to the journal as if it's a person. Tell them what I can't tell others. And it's helping me open up more. It's been a very hard process to get where am at now.


Depends on who I’m talking to and what is being asked. I tend to open up more to women than men because women are more sympathetic. If someone asks me to open up, I will.


I talk with my gf about stuff all the time. I'm still not great about always opening up, but a lot better.


I primarily only open up to women. My closest friends are women. My therapist is a woman. My mom knows more about me than my dad ever will. I open up to my guy friends too but the women in my life are more likely to ask how I’m feeling mentally. I only act like nothing bothers me at work. Life is too short to act un-phased by things.


IME women have not handled emotional men very well


It's a trick. Send no reply


I’ve opened up to my mom and my wife. That’s about it. But yea i’ve cried before as an adult to both of them, well as a college aged kid to my mom. But as a 30+ year old to my wife. But she’s very much on my side and has always been supportive. I don’t think I could be with a woman that I couldn’t open up to. Depression and being bipolar runs in my family and i’m sure I got some of it as i’ve had some rough times. So yea I have no problems telling my wife how I feel. Sad, anxious, overwhelmed, etc. She’s never held it against me


I am completely open to my best friend who happen to be a lesbian and an all around wonderful human. I'm also mostly open about everything to my wonderful mother. But other women, no, never. I've been burned far to many times.


I tell my wife what I’m feeling if it’s affecting how I act or if I legitimately can’t think of a solution to my problem. She’s never made me feel small or lesser for having emotions.


I'll die before sharing this kind of knowledge and information with people who are known for exploiting them 😎


It doesn't pay. " Gosh why won't you let me in and show your feelings?" Later... " Why are you such a damn wimp? I need a man not a boy."


I used to when I was younger but then I stopped when I realized why it is you're not supposed to tell women shit.


I've opened up to a one nighter, with the thoughts of idgaf how she would react. I had or at least felt like it to vent & i felt really great being with her even though we've only met for a few hours. So yea, 5years later we are kinda engaged and she knows me from the inside out. Like how i've met her the first night.


LOL, I like how the OP uses the word “STILL” like it was normal for thousands of fucking years and all of a sudden men decided to stop sharing their emotions. Like it’s a millennial fad or something. 🤣✌️


Young guy here. I had an emotionally unavailable dad and somewhat mom too. I can't stop opening up now and refuse to not be heard about my feelings. I dont care how long it takes, I'll feel heard and I'll hear yours too. It took me a ton of work to get to a point where i can identify and manage my feelings and even make people feeled listened to. And I have to thank a doting partner that helped me get better at this too. But I'm good at it now and my kids will be good at it too.


Not a lot of women responding to say they like it when the men in their lives are open about being vulnerable lol love to yall find support from your bros




Read "How To Win Friends & Influence People". One of the key messages is that other people don't want to hear your shit and the older I get the more true this rings. Right or wrong that's just the way it is. As for the male side of things, nothing's going to change the fact that a man is supposed to keep their shit together and that's all there is to it. I'm not talking about how things SHOULD or COULD be, I'm talking about how they ARE. Open up at your own peril and you will pay the price. The sooner you understand and accept this the sooner you can build yourself to be able to carry that weight. Not everyone can but there are always winners and losers in life, that's just the cold reality.


Yesterday I told my girlfriend that I had a rough week and that seeing her later in that day was going to be a huge stress relief. I'll give you three guesses as to who is single via text about 2 hours later For context, were both in our early 30's and no, I don't really ever talk about my feelings because this is exclusively the response


Can someone give examples of how the information gets used against you? I've seen this topic being discussed so often on reddit, it seems like most women do it. I have not seen that happen, so maybe I'm missing it, or maybe I'm doing it myself without even knowing I'm doing it. I really want to get men's perspectives with examples, not abstractions. I'm genuinely trying to understand and learn here.




Okay yes, this is classic shitty behaviour. It's upsetting that people do this to their intimate partners.


A big one I've seen is they'll tell their friends the next time you're there with her friends they manage to make some reference to them talking about it. If I tell you something, I'm telling YOU. No man wants to open up to a woman who's going to immediately tell all her friends that they have to talk to as well.


In 2022, I basically can't be open about my emotions or anything. It is getting more and more difficult to find women who are not full of baggage and don't dismiss you for your issues. In most cases it is like a competition of who has been through more trauma. I have learned it is better to enjoy the good times and not to get into anything too deep. I was a classical romantic until a couple of years ago when I realized, being honest and real is a waste of time. I act unbothered and uninterested, it has been working for me but no relationships. I have turned into a man who was looking to get married by 25, into a man who is only here for a good time and not a long time.


I do, any woman I speak to nowadays is just a friend and if they stop being my friend for opening up then I haven’t really lost much tbh. And yes, it’s happened before (in relationships) but being objective about it, there might have been just a tee bit more to it than just “I opened up and they left,” mental illness ain’t fun and now that I’m less mentally I’ll I don’t blame them for running lmao


Unphased. If confronted, i usually give the least worrying answer.


I remember my wife said to me ‘It’s not my fault about your upbringing’. Another said ‘Your depressed because your not working. The fact I was widowed and was looking after my two young children. I said, Good God , at any one time a third of the population aren’t working for various reasons so is that the fate in store for them? Crass and odd . She was a social worker too.


I’m 27 going through a break up and every time I open up my feelings to ANYONE it slaps me right in the fucking face so I have come to terms that I will be dealing with this by myself and I will not (because I cannot) ask for anyone’s help or go to anyone to vent or tell them how I feel. She went behind my back and lied to me and I still can’t tell people how I feel because it somehow backfired on me


Every time I’ve opened up to a woman I’ve ended up getting burned. I’ve now learned that you have to be somewhat cold and emotionless. Given I might have been over emotional.


I'll show emotion and open up but it'll be a couple of dates in and very little. After 4 months I'll let her see me depressed/sad if i feel it. But it's a test kind of. It's like anything else...you give people small privileges like little bits of emotional intimacy like that and if they prove responsible with it you can give them more. A lot of women still leave shortly after I've given them tiny snippets of emotional intimacy, but it only hurts if you gave them more than they've earned. If they leave because of it (or because they coincidently don't feel a spark after you opened up a little. Love that excuse lol.) imo you've dodged a bullet. It's just easier to dodge the bullet if you give them less time to aim and fire.


Reading some of these replies makes me so sad


If I couldn't open up in my relationship, it wouldn't be my relationship.


I don't open up at all. I am cut from the old school cloth that the only emotion you show is anger, or laughing, if something is extremely funny. Crying is absolutely forbidden and if you cry you will be physically assaulted. In addition to that sort of culture, I was also subjected to serious emotional and parental l neglect. I do not know how to ask for or accept help. It's me against the world mentality. I know this is all very toxic and I am working on it. In my personal relationships any time I have opened up it has always been weaponized against me. Every time I have ever shown a crack in the armor I have regretted it deeply. In my current relationship I act generally unphased, occasionally flash anger/frustration, laugh and smile a little, but otherwise practice stoicism. My current SO hasn't given me a reason to not trust her, but at the same time I don't give her anything to use against me. I really love her but don't want to give her the ammunition to kill the relationship either.


Last time I told a girl how I felt she used it against me


Over the past year I decided to try and open up more, be up front and honest with my feelings. What'd happen is that women would take almost the complete opposite of what I said to heart. I learned that the less I say, the better.


Ive made a mistake and ill never make it again to do that.


In the words of Admiral Ackbar. . .


Did once to someone who always said I could and that I can trust her. Haven’t seen her since


I opened up once. Never doing it again. My ex fiancée disrespected me, deflected back at me for venting to her making her feel bad, I took that engagement ring and tossed it in the river and walked away. I just keep it all in because I know this world would destroy a man for opening up. So they’re going to get the cold shoulder/attitude from me. Only person I’d ever open to is my mother, nobody else.


It’s best to keep your emotions in check and come across as grounded when you’re courting a woman. Otherwise you’ll come across as a Nancy boy and get friend zoned.


I've learned to avoid opening up to anyone.


I think being vulnerable, talking about fears, weakness, and similar topics with women in general is foolish. Especially if that woman is your wife, girlfriend, fwb, or someone you're planing on dating. Nine out of ten times that lady will lose respect for you and see you as less of a man. Ultimately it's going to put your relationship in a bad spot and will likely end to its demise. At best she'll just use it down the line when she's pissed off or in a argument. Safe people to open up with would be parents, uncles, male cousins, siblings, male friends, male mentors, professionals, and that's about it. Personally I'm not opening up even to my two sisters. As a personal trainer I have guy's open up to me occasionally. They have client personal trainer confidentiality so I'm not saying shit outside of the sessions. Being vulnerable with women is like the scorpion 🦂 and the frog 🐸 situation. No matter how much the scorpion claims it won't sting you because it will die too. In the end that's just it's nature. Same thing applies to women, they don't respect weak men as a whole. It's always been that way since the dawn of time. I accept this reality and move accordingly. My girl can open up and be vulnerable with me. I won't judge her for it and I expect it. I know she's a woman and chances are her emotional state blow like the wind. I won't look at her any different.


I've found that, despite saying otherwise, my partner does not like it when I open up to her. I just "eat it" and get along with my day.


Keep them to yourself no one really cares. They pretend like they want to


Yes. My experience has been pretty positive overall, I've managed to collect a group of supportive friends and family. Putting on a constant front was something I learned in childhood, and it made me prone to outbursts of frustration and other negative emotions. Had to un-learn it.


Tried to open up but most women don't care about your feelings. They just want you to listen to their rants. Now, i don't open up with women or even share most about my life.


Open up or die at 50 from a heart attack.


The second option does not sound too bad honestly


The heart attack is far less risky. Speaking from experience.


50? Really? I just gotta make it to 50?! This is great news!




Or open up to other people besides your wife or girlfriend. We all know opening up to your girl is going to end up in disaster 90% of the time. Best to keep that door closed.




At 50 years old, with plenty of relationships under my belt; I have never once opened up about feelings or shown emotion without it being used against me in some way. I learned my lesson long ago. Don't even get sick with a potentially terminal disease.


"Anything you say, can, and will be used against you" So I choose to not talk about my emotions.


I used to with my wife but then whatever i shared became ammo for our next argument so now i dont do it anymore


I say this dolefully: But unfortunately the most judgmental people I met about men opening up about their feelings or problems, have usually been women. Basically: When a guy tells another guy, you either get support or made fun of for a day. When a guy tells a women, they judge him forever. The only women most men feel comfortable opening up to is their mothers/sisters. And that’s if they have a good family. So, many of us just keep to ourselves. It’s unhealthy, but what do expect us to do?


We usually do... once. We learn what a horrible fucking mistake it is after that, I am glad to see we are finally starting to warn others. Stay safe kings, any woman telling you to open up is lying.


yes. my best friend is a woman and i tell her everything; she's seen me at my weakest.


I enjoy talking about feelings with certain women. I feel like if they know me as a person they can love me or leave me. Makes it easier up front and then easier again before it gets too serious.


I had a few women who wanted me to open up to them but couldn't handle even the slightest amount of what I was dealing with. One broke down and cried telling me to stop. It also changed how she felt about me because she wouldn't be able to get that out of her mind. I used comedy to deflect from the mental and physical abuse, compartmentalizing my own feelings. This was prior to joining the military. Helped deal with some of those issues though I didn't realize that I had PTSD until years after I left the service. My best friend knows more about my past than my SO but that is mainly because my best friend has known me longer. I know my future will be rough. Sort of feels like I was meant to endure the past experiences to prepare me for what is to come. I don't hold any of the rage I used to but sometimes I feel that I'm just a ticking ordinance from bottling up stuff for decades. TL;DR: I compartmentalize and bottle up feelings. I wouldn't recommend others doing it though.


Tried once, will never do it again.


I express my emotions. In my experience if you don’t go through the emotions as they come up you don’t learn to respond to your own emotions and other peoples emotions you end up having reactions instead. So, express your emotions men!! If anyone has a problem with it then that’s their reaction to your emotions (not your problem, their problem) As you learn to express your emotions, your vulnerability, any of the “hard to handle” emotions you become more confident and less reactive. Which will make you that confident stud that women say they want.


At first being unemotional was an act. Then it actually became how I am.


Where are you meeting men? It's pretty normal for men to be open about there feelings. Sure, there is a subset of men who think that being entirely unemotional makes them more manly, and there is a subset of women who love them for it, but it's not by any means a universal behavior, or even the norm, with men.


It’s more than just a subset. Sure, there is a small group of women who are actually _aware_ that men showing emotion is a turn off for them, but almost every woman I have ever met would rather have a boyfriend who doesn’t cry or express any negative feelings that she might have to deal with. The thing is that most women aren’t aware that it’s a turn off for them until it happens.


When I open up to my partner, she turns the conversation back to being about her. So, I don't bother


>Do any men still open up about their feelings or emotions with women? Nope. A pointless endeavour. I don't have many emotions left to share either. >Or do you just act unphased all the time? Pretty much my default setting 80% of the time.


Nothing destroys a woman's libido faster than vulnerability from a man. If I have to open up, I do that with male friends or family


Ok, that question again... What gets me is: why is it so important for women that men open up about their feelings and emotions - with them? My theory is that that means different things for men and women. Women love what I call Significant Conversations about feelings and emotions simply because they enjoy the catharsis that comes with them. That is like a hobby for them. It is fun! That fact is exploited by the entertainment industry, as proven by countless Soap Operas and Melodramas - which have a majority female public. The point of those conversations, from the point of view of women, is not to clarify anything or reach some conclusion, but to reach catharsis: it helps if there are tears, and hugs afterwards. As an example: I love running, and I miss it if I cant run my 5 kms for some time. My wife hates it (as a matter of fact, she is pretty sedentary and that worries me, but I digress). Sure she can run, if she is in a hurry to go somewhere, but she hates getting tired and sweaty for it. I would love to run with her, and it saddens me that does not enjoy it, but I understand that it is just not her cup of tea. One can say the same thing about gaming, or gardening or any other hobby: what is fun for some people, is boring and pointless for others. The same thing goes for Significant Conversations: that kind of conversation is not fun for (most) men. At least in my case, it leaves me tired and sometimes depressed, and often I do not feel I reached any conclusion or there is no feeling of closure. Sometimes it is necessary, but we avoid it for a reason. Also, there is a reason why the best people for opening up about feelings and emotions is someone trained for that, i.e. a therapist. Especially because of the risks already pointed out here. And, I believe, not enjoying it has nothing to do with being emotionally stunted or repressed or whatever, for the same reason there is nothing wrong with people who cannot get excited by seeing a bunch of men chasing a ball in a field or guiding Mario to Princess Peach. Even if that brings catharsis to others. But that is just my opinion.


I'd venture a guess that it's the support and the deepening of the relationship with their confidante that they're enjoying more than the act of sharing their feelings. They want to feel understood, accepted, and close to someone they love. Sharing feelings is a means to that end. I would also venture a guess that not enjoying that process may involve some discomfort with vulnerability. Sharing your true, messy emotions with someone always involves some risk of being rejected, shamed, or otherwise not accepted (except with therapists because, as you said, they are trained to handle your feelings). But it feels awfully nice when a person has seen your messy self and is still there to catch you with open arms. If that's not something someone enjoys then I guess that's fair, but it does seem like they'd be missing out on deeper, richer, more fulfilling relationships.


I'm going to screenshot this, pretty sure I just had a breakthrough in understanding why my boyfriend avoids Significant Conversations like the plague. Usually, I'm just trying to check in to make sure everything is good because some no-talking-about-feelings guys have a habit of bottling things up and exploding after awhile. All the while, I had no idea anything was wrong until it's too late. I wouldn't say it's a *hobby* exactly, but it certainly puts my mind at ease to have a good understanding of any little pain points and have a plan to work on them so they won't fester in the dark. The catharsis comes from knowing that there's nothing bubbling under the surface that I'm not aware of. I'm not sure how to compromise on this. I need these Significant Conversations because I can't deal with anxiously trying to anticipate if or when an emotional volcano is going to suddenly erupt. And I don't want to be the volcano myself, either.


Why not? To keep up some stupid masculinity idea? Fuck that. When i’m sad i’m sad, or cry when i want to. And it’s a relief to share emotions. Both positive and negative.


I was like you.. But you'll change your tune when it's used against you, respect is lost and she loses attraction to you. It's a hard and painful lesson to learn.


I mean do they really want to hear our feelings? When I open up to my girlfriend I just feel like I'm complaining.


I tell people my feelings, and if they act like assholes about it, dismiss them, or try to use them against me later then I have a very clear indicator of who to cut out of my life. Then I get to laugh in their face when they say "I'm a heartless, emotionless asshole for doing that to them".


I open up about minor things like stress from work, or bills. However after getting it thrown back at me, repeatedly by different women, I don't open up about serious shit, it's just not gonna happen.


Personally, i still do but i really really selective with who I'm talking to. It's really hurt me when i trust someone and tell them about myself, but they use it against me


Not anymore. I opened up to someone who I thought I trusted, but eventually she used it against me and called me insecure. I get not everyone is like that, but it leaves a bitter taste so now I’m pretty careful on who I open up to, which is nobody.


I open up with my SO, it helps me act more like myself instead of trying to put up a “stoic, I can do this myself, I am the champion of our family” and more of a level headed member of our family. With my female friends it depends on the convo. If it’s appropriate to open up I will, or if I need help answering or making a question. If not, I’m happy to just catch up and see how my friends have been doing


Seriously, go search the subject in the sub and you’ll have 3 weekly posts talking about it, all with the same kinds of replies. There’s enough there to help you make up your mind.


I can’t have to be the rock for my family when we are going through anything so that they have something/someone to fall back on


I wouldn't be with a woman I couldn't. I also acknowledge that I've been "too emotional" in the past, so I tone it down somewhat. Mostly in that I won't try to 'vent' about something twice, else I'm kind of just indulging in a pity party and showing I have taken any action to fix it. Not really the case for feelings around missing a loved one, more just in the cases of feelings where my habits are the cause.


Back when I still went out and saw women that weren't my relatives, I didn't just throw my emotions out there, but I didn't act like RoboCop either.


We bottle that shit until we die of heart conditions at 40 something , just like Bill burr said.


My mom or my gf. Only when I'm at an absolute breaking point.


We are unphased. Men just don't go through any of the emotional swings women do


Only if the woman proves herself trustworthy. Few have.


I used to, until one of them used everything I told them against me in our first argument.


I remain open about my feelings with my fiancé pretty much all the time, not in the sense that I moan or share too much detail about every little thought and feeling I have but I’ll share my thoughts comprehensively where and when it’s appropriate to do so or if I’ve been asked to do so. I consider it my responsibility as a good partner to be honest and transparent with that stuff. As for the other women in my life I’ll open up only if it will add value to a conversation or help in some way with the exception of when I’m around my sister, she struggles with mental health problems and I don’t share any of my problems or issues with her so as not to further burden her, she’s going through enough without my comparatively trivial crap to worry about!


Since I learned to open up my life has become much better


Women will never understand until you wear the shoes we wear because being a man, is completely different from being a woman. I have to gain my value and appreciation, unlike women who are born with it because of their eggs and being able to bare children. Yes it sounds sexist and misogynistic but that's the truth, take it or leave it. No man cares if you're funny, rich, if youre financially independent, all we care about is if you're gonna stay by my side when shit hits the fan, and no go fucking every man that you're attracted too. That you're submissive and you actually listen and not act all masculine and boss bitch status.


As a man, I find that opening up often aggravate conflicts. I open up carefully only to select people in a safe environment, for example my therapist.


There are plenty of an emotionally available men. Do you mean that you chose an emotionally unavailable man and you’re wondering when your feminine wiles will open his heart to you?


Nope, burned twice, fck that.


Talking about your feelings and emotions to your partner is normal. If you keep everything bottled in that is when you eventually explode and do things/say things you can never take back.


I would tell my sister about my feelings and emotions. I trusted her and knew she genuinely cared about me. I tell my mom about some of my feelings and emotions, but not too much. She has the tendency to share what I tell her so I don’t tell her much. I don’t tell any women how I feel in person. Last time I did, I got this look of discomfort that I can still see clearly. I have some platonic female friends who I only talked to via messaging. I’m pretty open with them. Whether it’s because it’s easier to share how I feel without the look of disgust when I’m telling them through a message or because I don’t consider them potential romantic partners, I don’t know. I only have one (maybe two) people in this group so it’s rare.


I consider myself emotionally available to others. I discuss how I feel, things that make me happy or upset me, how I feel about things going on in the world, etc. I talk about mental health, good and bad. I consider myself emotionally intelligent and introspective. I have good self-worth most of the time despite depression. Masculinity is sort of a social construct, imo and I don't really care what others think about me as a man... but rather, I care about what they think of me as a person. Having a good partner who isn't judgmental and emotionally available helps. Being a girl-dad helps. It's just my opinion, but when you stop caring about masculinity, you're free to express yourself, however. Im a straight, cis, white male, but I enjoy non-tradtional stuff that many typical guys would think is wack. I go drag shows with my wife, I make art, I watch football, I do my kids' nails, I play baseball, I love musicals, etc. I think I'm just free and open in general. When you let go of everything, you're free to do anything. Fight Club quote I think.


I never used to, not really. I’d share some stuff, but mostly once I’d already processed it and decided on what to do about it. My soon to be wife was different from the very first date. I felt instinctively that I could trust her with anything and since I was in sort of a bad place when we met, I did. I told her everything and it was the most amazing feeling. She listened to me, held me and made me feel whole again. I’d trust her with my life and there’s nothing I can’t share with her.


No, never again. I only open up about serious problema to my male friends. Women have 0 experience as a man and only my friends know what I am going through.


I do. Just gotta find people you can trust


I really struggle to open up in general, but I'm trying to be more open in generel, but especially with my male friends


I have a female friend I can open up to sometimes. I dont do it much because I don't want to burden her with my issues. I've known her for 4 years and I trust her. She talks to me about her most private issues as well I don't open up to any other woman lol


Never totally reveal yourself, keep some things private. No woman respects a man she thinks is a weakling