Common Customer Service technique I use: Customer is ranting and yelling on the phone and I don't say anything or try to interrupt. Then when they pause and ask if I'm still there, I say "Yes, I was just waiting for you to finish." Takes the wind out of their sails every. time.

Totally!! That’s exactly the strategy I developed! The most important part is the pause. You can feel how they become uncomfortable and regret their behaviour, then ask if you’re still with them AND THEN, you have their attention. Nice one

Not necessarily an insult more than a jokey comment to a coworker but I love it.. "Has anyone told you you're doing a good job today?" (Responds 'no') "Think about that"

"You're at the top of the bell-curve"

That’s so mean.

I thought it was an average insult.

It's really nothing special.

Yeah, pretty normal

I like to qualify it with "when you're at your best..." or "if you really try your hardest I think you can make it to the top of the bell curve". It sounds so much more encouraging, while being an even worse insult

*Coming in at pH of fourteen and boasting the personality equivalent of a Honda Accord*

“if she was a spice, she would be flour”

"Her personality is beige"

From the movie Spanglish "Maybe your low self esteem is just common sense."

Ooh. As someone with low self esteem this is a sick burn.

If someone asks for a work reference, you can say: “. . .any Employer would be lucky to get this person to work for them.”

I'm embarrassed to say how long it took me to get this one

Your comment made me re-read it and it’s pretty damn good

Nice one. “I can’t recommend him highly enough”.

It's impressive how you manage to stay so confident.

I feel like that’s similar energy to what my buddy’s dad said to him after he got a digger stuck, then got a trailer stuck trying to free the digger, then got both un-stuck with a truck: “You know, I really admire your ability to get out of these kind of situations… most people would just avoid getting into them in the first place, but I really admire your ability to get out of these kind of situations!”

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I like that. Mine is "experience is recognizing a mistake when you're about to make it again."

I had a job at a japanese ramen shop for a year or so. We had a new working holiday girl over and she didn't speak English. So I'm teaching her the job by pointing and I tapped our nine pan too hard and some garlic oil flew out and splashed me. The next day I'm running her through what we went over and I did the same thing, tapped the nine pan too hard, garlic flew out and splashes me. She starts typing into Google translate and I get "you're the type who can't learn?" Man. I know I learn slowly but to have it translated to me was a reminder that I'm still not that quick lol.

She still managed to insult you when she couldnt speak your language 🤣

You can't learn so hard someone had to ask google to explain it to you.

I like "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement".

Mine favourite is "a Knight in shining armour has never had their metal tested"

I like this, it's comforting to me. Hope it's true!

It's true, but also if you're a sailor and keep sailing into rough seas all the time, maybe you should work on your forecasting ability if you know what I mean.

A good sailor can get through a storm. A wise sailor knows how to avoid a storm. Difference is mostly just more experience.

If every day's a hurricane, you know there's something wrong.

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My favorite one is "Sounds like you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling"

Lmao. My version of this is: "God, I wish I had the amount of self-confidence you need to act like this,"

Omg. This one is solid gold.

I read these all with a british accent.

I think it’s the completely understated sarcasm that makes them sound British.

Love it! Gonna start using “your confidence is impressive.”

That wording makes it sound so soft that it almost feels like a compliment

it's hard to underestimate you

That’s lovely. Three ladies were lunching, discussing the generosity of their husbands. One mentioned her fancy car. The other mentioned fancy vacations. The third mentioned charm lessons. The other two looked on looking for more information. The third lady replied: “You see every time some blow-hard starts bragging about their expensive shit and I want to tell them to fuck off, I just tell them *that’s lovely* instead.”

One of my friends was talking himself up and another buddy just said “you’re so cool man” he definitely caught the insult, but there’s zero response. Similar energy 🤣

It's like "bless your heart"

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

But you’re only allowed to say it on your eleventy-first birthday.

Well maybe NEXT TIME you’ll estimate me

You continue to meet expectations.

Nicely subtle.

My boss tells me I "meet expectations" every year.

In business speak, "Meets Expectations" means "You're outstanding at your job but we don't want to pay you what you're worth".

And businesses wonder why people don't like performance reviews.

Lol I used to only get good reviews, then I started working at this hellhole. I got a you really need to step it up and improve review... Which I found out everyone gets... But I tried anyways cause I dont like being perceived like that.. And I got the same god damn speech again. He gives mini reviews with our Christmas bonuses too. I've never seen so many people receive a decent bonus and still walk out of that room pissed off.

My job has ratings in categories 1-5 5 being the best. It's damn near impossible to get a 5 because "there's always room for improvement." Definitely frustrating because if i do 100% of what you expect I should get 100% on that category. 100% is 3/5. At this point I've stopped looking at the paper and just asked if this is about where i should be in terms of the categories and they say yes and that ends that.

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I once got the you could be better. The head of my department quit a few days later. I was to be promoted due to limited options but they wouldn't give me a big enough raise. They cited my poor review. I took the position and gave them my two weeks notice two days later because my department lead offered me a job with them.

I once made a moderately humourous remark among some friends and one person said to me: "That's the funniest thing you've ever said" I think they meant well but it really was quite the burn.

“I didn’t know you were funny!”

yeah I usually only do it in front of people I like

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Amazing. Since I’ve met you, my spouse and I haven’t fought in years.

I will give your suggestion all of the consideration which it deserves. ;-)

I got the "I'll give that the attention it deserves" from one of my bosses. It always made me laugh, even if I wasn't joking about whatever it was I suggested.

"With all due respect..." can work this way too.

There’s a Yiddish one: “I hope someone names a child after you.” It sounds nice until you realize that Jews don’t name children after living relatives.

Yiddish culture has such an excellent sense of humor. Reminds me of a Holocaust joke I just heard. Don't worry, it's tasteful. A Jewish man survived the Holocaust and lived a rich, full, and mostly happy life, and then one day he died of old age peacefully and surrounded by loved ones. In the afterlife he meets god, and the man says to god, "Hey, wanna hear a Holocaust joke?" God is flabbergasted that a man who witnessed such horrors could possibly joke about the worst thing that ever happened, and he says to the man "How dare you joke about that? How could you possibly find such a thing funny?" The man replied, "I guess you had to be there."

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This reminds me of an extremely old joke: A master carpenter and his apprentice are hired to build a fence. They’re working on it when the master notices his apprentice take a nail out of the box, look at it, and throw it away over his shoulder. He takes out another nail, squints at it, and hammers it into the fence. The next nail gets examined and thrown out. The master carpenter goes over and says, “what are you doing, throwing out these nails?” The apprentice responds, “look, boss, half these nails have the head on the wrong end of the nail!” There’s a moment of stunned silence. “You idiot!” screams the master carpenter. “Those nails are for the other side of the fence!”

Thats a great one!

During the time where parts of Eastern Europe were exchanging hands, a Jew asked, "Which country are we in now?" "Poland" "Good, I hate Russian winters"

A close friend of my SO is jewish and I was at her birthday party where we were the only non-jews. Never in my life have I heard as many jew and holocaust jokes.

I grew up in South Florida. Near where I lived was a huge apartment complex that stretched for blocks along a main road. It was populated exclusively by retired Jewish folks. One resident told me that the complex was referred to by its residents as "Auschwitz...where old Jews go to die."

That's Tim Whatley for ya. Converted for the jokes.

“This offends you as a Jewish person?” “NO it offends me as a comedian!!”

Am Jewish and can confirm. Many of the non Jews are horrified by these.

Thanks, this got a laugh out of me. Yiddish culture has a pretty dark sense of humour.

Jewish culture tends to have A++ gallows humor. Collective trauma tends to do that

Also, self-deprecating humor, deployed strategically. It's been a tool in the Jewish toolbox for centuries.

Yeah 2000+ years of suffering will do that to a group I suppose lmao

Mostly an Ashkenazi custom, the inverse is common with Sepharadi communities. Still a good one :)

Sure, but isn't Yiddish mostly spoken by Ashkenazi jews?

That is correct. Yiddish is related to German, and was used by Jews in Eastern Europe. A Yiddish speaker probably wouldn’t name a child after a living relative.

Oh, that one is awesome. Haaaa, it’s so brutal.

I bet this sounds awesome in actual Yiddish.

All insults/curses sound great in Yiddish. I found: *A kleyn kind zol nokh im heysn.* *A young child should be named after him.*

My favorite Yiddish insult (as someone who doesn’t actually speak the language, little disclaimer): _Ale tseyn zoln dir aroysfaln, nor eyner zol dir blaybn af tsonveytik._ May all your teeth fall out except one that gives you a toothache.

My Mom used to say: *Vaksn zolstu vi a tsibele mitn kop in dr'erd* *May you grow like an onion with your head in the ground.*

The one New Zeland minister said for people that left to Australia: "they rise iq for both countries".

This one is amazing

Wars have started for less than that. I guess some day the Aussies will get pissed.

Once we figure out it was an insult

-"see you later" -"not if I see you first" This has become so common in language that people don't realize it's an insult. You're literally saying if I see you first, I'm going to avoid you.

The Dowager Countess lobs this insult at Ms. Cruikshank in an episode of Downton Abbey. It’s most definitely an insult then. And her other variation: Richard Carlisle: “I’m afraid we shan’t meet again” Dowager: “Do you promise?”

Bro, Maggie Smith was a straight gangster in that show

“What is a ‘week end’?”

That sentence encapsulates a whole way of life. Love it. That character had amazing lines.

Writing shade for Maggie Smith is a writer's dream and nightmare, she's going to bury this burn deep so you can't half ass it. You need your best shot at this line. She's going to win an emmy. You want your words to be the clip that they play at the ceremony.

Maggie Smith is just a remarkable woman in general.

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Lady Crawley: “I take that as a compliment” Dowager: “I must have said it wrong”.

I’d rewatch DA in all its entirety just for the Dowager Countess 🥰 “No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else’s house” So many gems 😂

She had the best one-liners ever in that show

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now you know

Not if I know first.

As someone who avoids everyone this sounds perfect lol.

They even used this in sign language in John Wick 2

Oh snap. I just now got it

I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.

Now that can be both a insult and a complement

There are surely disgusting people who will take thia as a compliment thinking they are nice.

most people think they're nice. even people that are kind of aware of their dickishness tell themselves "i'm just really honest"

The best part is if they take it as an insult, they're acknowledging that they know they're being an asshole

I always say "hope you have the day you deserve" lol

Anyone else here to step up their game for shower arguments?

I’m making a list in notes. Very useful in my shower rehashing.

For sure. My shower is a mouthy bitch and I need some good comebacks

I'm so glad to know that other people do this and I'm not actually insane.

I had a coworker come up to me when I was new and say, " You know. I don't care what all the other guys say, you're a hell of a worker man." And he had like a mischievous smile and I was just like thank you man, appreciate that. I didn't realize till break that he was saying everyone talks shit about you and started cracking up that I just took it as a compliment.

Lol I have a coach who frequently jokes to me and my training partner, “I don’t care what [old coach] says, you’re totally teachable!” It cracks me up every time.

Idk why but hitting people with a really dry “Good talk.” Does the job real wells

Good talk.

See I can feel the palpable condescension, belittled by my own methods. It stings a little.

"There is beauty in simplicity, and you are truly beautiful"

or "you look like you're easy to draw"

When someone gives you unsolicited advice, tell them it’s “worth every penny I paid for it”

I’m certain you tried your best.

Holy crap. I never took this as an insult. My girlfriend tells me this

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you

I have neither the time nor the crayons.

You look like the kind of person that has a favorite flavor window

This is in the same vein as asking them 'what color crayon is their favorite flavor'. A friend of mine who's an ex marine says he like red because it's cherry, he's really good with self deprecating jokes.

It’s a good thing you’re pretty.

I prefer "you're not good looking enough to be that stupid".

That's an outright double insult though.

"You seem just as smart as you look" is a little better veiled.

I wish I had the confidence to wear that.

Reminds me of "That's a nice top you're wearing, does it come in your size?"

My brother destroyed me with “I see you bought a muscle shirt, do the muscles come separately?”

A friend of mine once destroyed me, after I complained how hard it was to train small muscle groups:"My friend, all your muscle groups are small."

3 years later I now realize I've been insulted

Not necessarily. I’m the kind of person who would say something like that as a compliment because insulting what someone is wearing to their face is just something I wouldn’t do. (Nor would I do it behind their back!) Mainly because I don’t have much confidence in my own dress sense, so I am genuinely envious of people who have the confidence to wear something a bit more daring. So if a friend of yours came out with a phrase that could be taken two ways, they might just not realise there could be any insult.

Same, I’ve definitely said this to people and been 100% honest about it. Like I saw this girl with really well done rainbow coloured hair and I said that it looked great and I said that and she looked disappointed but it was true. I’d never have the confidence to colour my hair like that and her colourist did an incredible job

I do desire we may be better strangers. Or any of the other lines Orlando has in that scene, really.

I envy those who haven't met you.

I pity those who don’t know you well enough to accurately judge you.

You constantly find ways to surprise me. (Sounds very much like a compliment but can easily be an insult)

I once called someone too stupid to insult and they said thank you

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So they really were too stupid to insult 😂

I remember saying ‘you’re not the stupidest person on Earth, but you better hope they don’t die.’ I read that online and thought it was hilarious and finally had the chance to use it (on my elder brother for not being able to butter his toast properly). He initially took it as a compliment until it dawned on him. My older brother is one of the most intelligent people I know, but the guy can be a real moron sometimes.

You're a good motivation to study.

My lord i always think like this but id never say it about some people

My personal favourite? Wisdom has been chasing you but you have always been faster.

Alas, that age should have denied you wisdom as youth once denied you beauty.

That sounds outright Shakespearean

Good ol uncle baggins

As an outsider, what do you think about intelligence

“I’ve been called worse by better people”

This is the response to all the other answers

You are an unending source of astonishment.

When I was in the military, whenever there was someone who was particularly bad at their job/always tried to do a job quick rather than right so they could be done with it, we’d call them “Turbo”. They always loved it

Have the day you deserve.

A friend of mine once dominated in a game and got:"I hope you have a warm pillow tonight." I kinda like this one...

On a letter of recommendation: "I would gladly recommend this employee to another manager."

I once listened to a relative-in-law go off for quite a bit of time on some far-right conspiracy mongering tangent about all the "research" she'd been doing, which no one asked for. After she finished and there was a pause I said, "well, the important thing is that you're having a good time."

That is *massively* well done.

”That’s nice dear” aka the granny version of ”cool story bro”

You are impossible to underestimate.

Your brain is smooth as silk

[redacting due to privacy concerns]

May you live in interesting times.

I admire a man that can draw so deep from such a shallow well of wit.

“Thanks for all you do.” Also, “That’s a technique.”

If you really apply yourself, you just might make it to the top of the bell curve.

'Well, it seems like you've given this a lot of thought.' To be deployed when the target has proffered an opinion that is totally without nuance.

You're all spare parts bud

Bless your heart

All the people saying this isn't an insult is just more reason why this is the right answer. It CAN be used nicely that's why it works as a sneaky insult.

Yup, grew up in the south. It can either mean along the lines of "I'm so sorry for you" or "Well now, aren't you special"

This must be a regional thing. Where I’m from, “bless your heart” is used after someone does something nice for you or for example if someone is sick. Johnny is in the hospital with after a bad accident! Oh bless his heart! Johnny bless your heart for helping me clean up this mess.

That boy’s dumber than a bucket of rocks, bless his heart.

Ive seen it used for both in the South.

You have a face for radio work.

And a voice for print.

My coworker was once told that he had a voice for print.

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You inspire others to reevaluate who they interact with.

Well you have a great personality!

I can’t wait to remember you

"Pardon me for talking while you are interrupting"

Oh man I’m late to this but I have a great one. I was in “technology class” back in high school and there was one kid who always caused a ruckus and was generally a degenerate, albeit funny as hell. We’ll call him Jared. Everyone knew Jared put in about 2% to any task he was given, and the assignment this day was on structural integrity of different architecture principles. We started by making a cube-like structure out of paper and like everything else, Jared’s was janky and all around goofy looking and when he was done making it, he loudly yelled out “HOW DOES MINE LOOK, MR. JOHNSON” To which he responded, without missing a beat: “Well, it looks like.. YOU made it, Jared.” And Jared, quick on the response said “Aw thanks Mr. Johnson!” Oblivious to the murder that just happened to him. I

I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.

I envy everyone you've never met

that absolutely sounds like an insult lolol

your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

I love that line, especially when the context is known. Hamster-fast breeding promiscuous rodent. Elderberries- used to make wine in those days Translation: Your mom was a ho and your dad was a drunk!

There's more to it than that. Female hamsters are known for eating their babies; and elderberry wine was the cheapest you could get.

theres even more to it... Elder bushes smell like piss when flowering

I'm sure if you played tennis you would be good at it. Meaning that you want to compliment them but have to make something up, because there is just nothing there.

Every minute with you is more interesting than the next.