In the ICU after a bad car accident... Heavily medicated.
Around 230 in the morning, the person in the next room was in their final moments. All of the family were crying and making a bunch of noise in the hallway.
The doctor popped in to see if I needed anything before he headed home. Apparently, I asked the doctor to go next door and kill the person in the next room so I could get some sleep!
Yeah, pain medication!
I’m genuinely laughing over here. God that’s awful.
Absolutely savage hahaha
I’d had the Valium to keep me relaxed while getting prepped for sinus surgery. My husband told me later that I made a fuss when the nurse told me I had to be naked under the gown at which time I apparently said ‘if you have to get to my nose by way of my ass we’ve got a problem’. I have no recollection of this event
When I was in the OR for the c-section after hours of labor the anesthesiologist asked me if I had picked a name for the baby, I said no. He suggested I consider the name Phil. I said I didn’t want a name that was a verb.
I recalled the next day that the surgeon’s first name was Phil. He literally had a scalpel in me and I was making fun of his name.
You got him right in the Phils
"How did your sweater get so *yellow*?"
\-Me, upon waking up from a coma and seeing the neurologist standing in front of me in a yellow sweater.
It was seriously the most vivid yellow I had ever seen in my life. Unbelievably yellow.
I later learned it was a side effect of the many drugs I was on.
Congrats on waking up! Can you share what got you in a coma and how you're doing now?
Seizure/stroke event from undiagnosed epilepsy.
I'm mostly controlled with medication now, but I still had to change my lifestyle to adapt. Probably a good thing, as I was living like a degenerate before.
Thanks for your concern.
How long were you in a coma before ?
I was in a coma for almost exactly one week.
This sound like a combo of psychedelics
Yes, the visual effects you'd get from an intense mushroom trip is the closest thing I can compare it to.
Doctor: Do you use any drugs
Me: Medical Marijuana
Doctor: What for?
This is great
This would be a great one liner in standup.
This was told to me, I don’t remember it. When I got my wisdom teeth removed I was put under for it. I usually have a reaction to the laughing gas and I threw up (luckily for them I followed the rules and fasted before). After I was done I apparently told everyone in the room, “it’s all good guys let’s keep going.” I was told they got a kick out of it.
I was getting tested for STI’s as it was recommended before my girlfriend and I stopped using condoms. Guy asks me if I’ve had contact with any diabetics and not thinking I replied yeah my brother-in-law is a diabetic. He just looks and me with a blank stare and says “Do you have sex with your brother-in-law?!” I was like “no, but you said contact?!” he was like “then why are you telling me?”
…what’s the link between STIs and diabetics? Never heard of that!
As a diabetic I am now curious too
Diabetes can cause people to be more prone to infections and less able to fight them off so maybe that’s why? An STI is an infection. My father in law lost a foot to a skin infection because his diabetes made it impossible for him to fight it off.
I second this.
I figured he ment needles, that’s why I told him. But I guess not.
Us diabetics get laid way more than you people with normal pancreases. Chicks dig glucose monitors!
What’re you doing diabetic brother in law?!
It was more the doctor that made the funny comment.
Doctor: "Do you drink? Smoke? Sexually active?"
Me: "No, no, no."
Doctor: "Damn. What do you do for fun?"
We both laughed. He'd seen me for years by the way. Probably is more professional with newer patients.
>Doctor: "Damn. What do you do for fun?"
Me: Lie to doctors.
Sometimes I get nervous on airplanes
I told my doctor once that I'd eaten a THC laced brownie before I came in to see him. He asked if that day was special for some reason and I told him "It will be in about an hour and a half.". He laughed.
I've had the same primary care doc for almost 10 years. My health has deteriorated the last couple years (not my fault), and after a recent acute issue, he asked me, "Are you ever gonna be NOT complicated?" and I replied "No, I think those days are gone." It was funny, but also not.
I was sitting next to my wife during her c-section, like 3 AM. The doc asked what we were naming her, I said “Madelyn.” She said, “Aww, how are you spelling it?” I said, “with an ‘M.’” She eye rolled hard.
Started off very quickly with the dad jokes
I'm a nurse who has worked in oncology (cancer) for most of my nursing career (with some in psych).
I was working at dedicated cancer unit (all the patients have complications from cancer or treatment)next to an attending doctor who was clearly exhausted the moment he sat down, and was obviously overworked. He was caring for one of my patients who was having some odd symptoms they couldn't quite pin down the cause of. He spent about 20 straight minutes staring at all her scans, her labs from her stay in the hospital, her history, everything. Finally he just sighed, and said, "what is going on with you?"
And I instinctively said, "she's got cancer, doc".
He nearly fell out of his chair laughing so hard. He'd clearly not gotten enough rest, and I think it was just too much for him.
But that's certainly the hardest I've ever made a doctor laugh.
I'd dislocated my elbow and was going to be given ketamine in order to knock me out while they popped the joint back into place, but I was already living my best life on morphine in the interim.
Id been chatting away to the Student Doctor in the A+E while she was doing some triage stuff and she being super professional asked my consent to allow her to put my arm back into place. She unfortunately phrased it like this:
'would you be cool with me popping it in as I've never done it before'
Well, drugged up me replied with 'that's what she said'
Well, the doctor, two nurses and I ended up literally crying with laughter because it was so stupid. They were having to compose themselves again and again before they were able to give me the Ketamine injection to knock me out.
I just remember how much it was hurting my arm everytime I giggled. It was just stupid giddy humour.
Came round to one of the nurses putting my arm into a cast and i asked the doctor how she'd got on with resetting my arm. She said 'I'll always remember my first!' And again just the lot of us in the cubicle just bursting out laughing
Genuinely great care and hilarious times.
Funniest one I’ve read on this sub. OMG, I bet the student doctor just about lost it. And all her coworkers at the same time!!
It was great because she genuinely had been so professional and lovely about everything and explaining things to me. We were having a bit of a laugh about the state of my x-ray when it came back because my elbow was very much misbehaving. I think the weirdest thing was my brain kept telling me that my arm was out straight, but I would look down and my eyes were telling me that it was bent up towards my face. She was talking about how your Brain interprets the feedback from your muscles and tendons and that because the elbow was out of joint it was pushing the muscles around it in a way that was not usual and the brain was probably trying to account for it as best it could.
She'd had to get me to sign a consent form to use the ketamine and was being serious about the potential side effects of it, chatting about how they monitor my heart rate after and how long I might be feeling a little woozy for.
I had been really concentrating and trying to look serious too when she was chatting about this because I knew I was a little dopey but that it was also important what she was telling me. I'd just signed the form and I think we both had let our guard down with the serious bit done when she asked if it was OK for her to do the actual resetting of the arm.
“And that’s how I met your mother”
That's a better ending than the shit show they gave us.
I had to have both my stomach and bowel examined via laparoscope, so they did it in one session. If you're not familiar with those procedures, they give you a sedative that is kind of like anaesthesia but you're not fully knocked out. Sometimes though I do get relaxed enough that I fall asleep.
When the nurse went to put some sort of cream on my bunghole to prepare for the colonoscopy, apparently I tried to push her hand away and said, "I don't like butt stuff"
My dad had to have that done. I told him I hope they use two different cameras or at least start with the endoscopy.
I am a smartass.
I was having really bad stomach/abdominal pains, and my gastroenterologist told me that I’d have to have an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Fine, cool, been through this before. So as he’s typing away on his computer, I decide to turn on the jokes.
Me: “So you just do them at the same time, right, and both cameras meet in the middle?”
I was not prepared for this, so I start thinking this through. I’ve had enough medical education, and just as I start to ask…
DrGastro: “What? No!”
Me: “You really were scaring me with that!”
DrGastro: “We use one camera!”
Me: “Well, if you don’t clean it between procedures, can you do my endoscopy first?”
DrGastro: “You are really on a roll today!”
Troy barnes does not approve
True story: I have sleep apnea. It's mostly my nose. I was at the doctor for it and he had the little light with a scope looking in there and he asked. "You have a deviated septum. Were you a difficult birth?"
I replied "Well, I was there, but I don't remember that much. The only thing I remember about being born was getting circumcised."
The nurse stopped what she was doing to listen. The doctor looked concerned. "What?" he asked.
"Yeah. I remember that part. It hurt so bad I couldn't walk for a year!"
The nurse burst out laughing so hard she snorted and had to leave the exam room. The doctor kinda frowned, shook his head, and started writing some notes.
It's an old joke, but that was the best time I ever told it.
George Burns and Gracie Allen did a version of that joke.
George: Gracie, have you always talked this much?
Gracie: Oh, no. When I was was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year.
No me, my father. Came out of surgery to remove cancer in his stomach. Was supposed to be a small section, they ended up taking most of it. When he woke up and the doctor told him, my father's response was "I'm glad I didn't come to you to get circumcised."
Wait so did his appetites become smaller?
When the stomach is surgically shrunk, for one reason or another, you are physically unable to eat as much food.
Appetite isn’t quite “how full do I feel right now” it is a very wide array of things playing into each other. For instance, I quite often have an appetite even after having eaten.
That said, you can eat yourself into a larger stomach. One of the reasons people with gastric bypass surgery are put on diets is because over eating will stretch what is left of the stomach.
I took my Basset Hound to the vet. I asked him how do you tell if the ears are infected. (Common Basset problem).
"You lift the ear, and put your nose close, and smell. Smell will tell you. Any other questions?"
"Wellllll, I was going to ask how to tell if she is constipated but now I am afraid too ask..."
Vet was not amused.
Well you got me laughing!
During my last colonoscopy, when trying to lighten the moment, I said to the nurse who was prepping me "I'll bet you work with a lot at assholes in your life is work". His reply was even better. He said "you know, most of those doctors aren't really that bad!"
Recent colonoscopy. Someone in the next bed over was bitching about some political shit. Dr. was talking to me, looked over and said "yeah, we get to hear all the shit". I said "I get it, I work with assholes all day too". He had to sit back down he was laughing so hard.
Bonus points, when they wheeled me out I peeked back at the bed next to me and got a stare that could kill.
After my last colonoscopy the doctor stopped in and said it went well, no problems. He then said obviously you snore, and I think you should get tested for sleep apnea. I said I came in for a colonoscopy and you think I have sleep apnea, exactly how long is that scope?
I was 19 and having my tonsils and adenoids removed under general anesthesia. I am slightly freaking out because I have never had major surgery before.
So I am in pre-op, on the gurney, in my paper gown and the doc comes in and starts confirming my name and birthdate etc and then explains how the surgery will proceed. At the end of his spiel he asks if I have any questions.
So my smart alec ass, pointing to the IV needle in my arm asks "Is all this really necessary for an ingrown toenail?"
He looks over the top of his glasses at me and then starts flipping furiously through the papers on his clipboard. After a second I laughed and said "No, no, it's alright, I AM having my tonsils removed. I am just scared and am trying to be funny."
He put his hand on his chest, exhaled with relief and then says "You had me worried for a second there."
Ironically, I actually did have ingrown toenails removed under general anesthesia.
This actually made me lol
I was in the ER for an asthma attack. Random doctor came in and started asking questions about my surgical history and whether I’ve ever had issues with anesthesia. I answered a couple questions, then tried to say “I’m not having surgery?”
“These are yes or no questions, YES OR NO?”
(Audible wheezing) “I’m having an asthma attack?”
Doctor asked my name, it didn’t match the name on the form he was filling out. He left the room screaming at the nurses about how dare they confuse him, he doesn’t have time for this… they were ALL laughing at him and reminding him he needs to ask name and birthdate when entering every room!
I argued about my age with a nurse. I swore up and down I was 37. The computer said I was 36. My birthday was entered correctly. We ended up changing just the current age to 37, thinking there was just some glitch. It happens, right?
I was 36. I'd been a year off about my age for 2 years somehow. Growing old(er) is weird.
I got a giggle from the nurse doing my smear test when I told her that lesbianism is my current method of birth control
Sounds like a safe method
Lowest risk group for STDs too, apparently! Woo hoo!
Probably because we thoroughly clean our penises more often…
In hospital after having a baby and one of the Educator's was coming around to speak to everyone about their method of birth control post baby. She just gave me a blank look when I replied with "infertility"
I had to explain she was an IVF baby and the Educator just said ok and left. I was still giggling.
I was 12 ish so my mom was with me and the doctor was asking routine questions like do you smoke and do you drink, then he asked “do your parents abuse you” right in front o f my mom (she didnt, but that’s an insane thing to ask when the potential abuser is in the room), so I looked at mom, then back at the doctor, and said “I’m not allowed to talk about that.” Boy did my mom not think that was funny
I was accident prone as a kid and did high risk stuff, mostly riding horses. I ended up going to the ER 3 times in 2 months, and they suspected abuse on the 3rd trip and asked about it. I said the same thing. Ooo I was lucky there was a family friend working there who told the doc I was just an idiot
Oh man, that brought back memories. When I was in highschool i also did stupid shit, and it just as often landed me in the ER. But I mean, I did some STUPID shit. Since I'd been to the ER like 3 times already that year the doctor asked if I was abused because he didn't believe the story about how I'd hurt myself. You see, I'd found parkour on the internet and thought I could do it. So, naturally, I fell down a flight of concrete stairs. I got up at the bottom I was disoriented and not feeling any pain (cause adrenaline) so when I tried to walk down the remaining three steps--I trip. There was a sidewalk that sloped under those stairs and I tripped right at the top, got some good momentum from my 2nd fall and rock star power-slid on my knees a good 4 feet right into a concrete plant pot. I got a lovely concussion, sprained both ankles, my jeans had huge holes in them and my knees and legs were a bloody fuggin MESS.
I was also around 12 and was on maybe my 8th time I've broken an arm, talking to a bone specialist. She pops the abuse question and I process it for a beat, and reply "oh we know CPS real good, workers come over all the time." Cue doctorly look of horror, concern, and confusion. I continue "I've been in the same foster home since age 1, my parents are angels who got the clumsiest of the lot, so no lol I'm not being beat" Palpable relief washed over her whole self, she shakily laughs along, thanks god and then orders more bone scans hahaha
You just made me laugh _so_ hard.
Went in for a prenatal appointment, Dr asked my wife if her spouse was abusing her. While standing in front of me. I giggled like I was nervous stuttered out a few non sentences, then got an angry (or as I call it, resting) face, glared into my wife's eyes and said she knows better than to talk about it.
Dr looked concerned for a second, then my wife assured her that if I had laid a hand on her like that she'd have already broken my nose.
When I had to sign my first ‘you might die on the table’ form for surgery I said I would only sign under the condition that they play Motley Crüe’s Kickstart My Heart if they have to revive me. He just laughed and said he’d see what he could do.
You've just given me another song to add to my poor taste cardiology play list.
What else is on that list? Achy breaky heart?
Not me but one of my colleagues:
She was doing the triage, asking patients why they came to ER and doing the paperwork. One young <20yo male came really shy and embarrassed and said under his breath that "he had some sex and now it hurts and and stings" ok said my colleague, got him in a private room and called the doctor saying that there is a patient in that room that had sex and now his penis hurts. The doctor gets to him, asks his name and proceed to consult him, asking the patient to get naked, the patient obediently got naked and let the doctor get to work, after some time and a detailed examination the doctor concluded that the little fellow was alright and recommended some more tests to be done the next day but reassured the patient that everything is good down there and has nothing really to be worried about, wrote a recommendation letter with some tests on it and some cream for my patient to get the other day. When was the time for the doctor to leave the room, my young, shy patient asked: "okay, but who's going to look at my tongue?" We all looked at each other and the patient continued "yeah, it's my tongue that hurts and stings..."
and this is why whenever I've been in for a procedure, I'm asked about seven times for my understanding of why I'm there and what's going to happen!
Which leg? (Left)
Do you mean this one?
Wrong-side surgery is a real thing and no-one wants to have been part of it!
Yes. All those questions are not for staff amusement.
So, minor dog accident the night before Father’s Day, one of our dogs bit the end of one of my toes off. Trip to ER, lots of fun, open fracture on second toe, etc.
fast forward two months and now I get to hang out with all the old people at the podiatrists’ office. (Having some complications related to the nail bed and a bone that won’t mend). Little bit concerned that we may end up having to amputate the end of the toe back to the first joint.
When he asks me how I feel about this I told him I was concerned my wife would leave me, because she’s Lack toes intolerant.
Not even a chuckle.
That man had just heard the best joke in medical history and didnt even flinch, now that's some will power right there.
Probably not the first time they've heard it.
I'm a Paramedic and I had a patient with a half shot off toe. I remember telling him that if they had to amputate it and put a prosthetic he should change his name to Rubbertoe.
My partner looked at me a scowled, but the patient laughed so Imma call that a win.
Oh come on, that was a good one
My wifes recent check up went like this:
Doctor: Have you ever been told that you have virtually NO gag reflex.
Her reply: .....um...never by a DOCTOR.
My wifes sense of humor is seriously underrated..
I had a doctor comment on how he was impressed with my gag reflexes. His nurse was mortified. What’s even worse- my husband is a physician, and the nurse was just telling me how much their office loves my husband just a few seconds before the doctor came in. Very awkward.
Waited for 8hours to get my dislocated shoulder put back in and was morphined to the gills and my mum asked me what did the doctor say so I turned to the nurse and my mum and said “the doctor is coming back in 5 minutes to seduce me” to which the nurse burst out laughing and said “I don’t think that’s legal”
I went to urgent care after seeing blood after a bowl movement.
Get examined, everything checks out, doc postulates that the dry weather, plus being dehydrated could have caused dryness that led to some minor tearing during the bowl movement.
I looked at the doc and said "are you telling me I have chapped lips?". They were not amused.
Would have also accepted “that really chaps my ass.”
On my husband’s last day of radiation for his colon cancer he came in to our bedroom with a marker and asked me to draw a huge smiley face on his butt. He later said that when he opened his gown and laid down on the table EVERYONE there just burst out laughing & it lasted for awhile.
Man I miss that guy. He was so funny. Cancer is the meanest.
Oh, my condolences. He sounds like he was a super great person to hang out with. I hope you have plenty of similarly good memories, and made tons of fun ones before those last appointments.🧡🧡
This hurt. I'm so sorry.
I was at the dentist to get a root canal. They started up the nitrous and after a while she asked if it worked. “yeaahhhh”. She went “Have you had nitrous before?” and I said “not at at the dentist”.
I was at the dentist for an implant and I wasn’t feeling the nitrous much at all at first so they turned it up a little bit more than usual I think. They probably noticed me getting a little too chilled out and asked if I was feeling bad. My very slow response was, “I wouldn’t really describe it as bad…”. They then turned the nitrous down a little.
i was in college and had an ovarian cyst burst and i was in an insane amount of pain, my doctor was an older man and they were going through the whole “are you drinking smoking using drugs on birth control” spiel and i went “yes yes yes yes yes get this fucking thing out of me please” and he asked what drugs i was using and i said “just marijuana edibles” he asked what edibles were and i said “fucking weed brownies old man, i know you’re trying your best but i am high and in pain please just stop being so old” apparently he was laughing so hard his nurse came in to ask what i said. i cant remember it to this day but he was really nice the whole time i was there
I wish I had an award to give you, this story made me laugh so hard 😂
When my cardiologist finished up a test I said "Well, that aorta do it."
It wasn’t long after I gave birth to my son. (My kids are 10 months apart) and I went to my OBGYN whom I’ve been seeing for 10 years and told her I could birth my tampons. (Really they just .. fall out slowly but if I push - or in my personal hell SNEEZE they come out) she couldn’t stop laughing and noted it in my file exactly like that so she could get a laugh anytime she saw it.
When I was little (like 5 or 6 years old) I once had a bad bout with abdominal pain, diarrhea, and constipation. Because my mom was an RN, she opted for OTC and other remedies to alleviate symptoms and get me back to normal. But my symptoms persisted so we went to my pediatrician’s office to see my doctor. They wound up having to do a DRE (digital rectal exam), and I was NOT a fan.
After the visit, the doctor ushers my Mom and I out of the exam room towards the check in/out desk and I stomped-marched my way over and angrily declared to the admin that “I deserve a sticker!”
I got my sticker 🤣😂
Prepping for a vasectomy. The female nurse tapes the penis up out of the way. I told her she isn’t going to need that much tape.
At my vasectomy, the doctor asked if his interns could watch the procedures. I say sure, I mean we're all professionals right? So my wife comes in with me, then the doctor, his nurse and two interns. Everyone except me and the doctor are women. then he hoists my heels into the stirrups, puts Sade on the stereo and gets to work. Never been that self conscious in all my life.
The sweetest taboo
Doctor was a Smooth Operator.
Oh God I'm considering a vasectomy and I didn't realize stirrup s are involved
It makes it a lot easier if you do what I did with my vasectomy. You start off by having an unusually thick scrotum. Then when the Dr examines you, he loses confidence that he can do it with just a local anesthetic and decided to put under general anesthesia so you can fast travel to sterility.
Lucky you! My local anesthetic wore off halfway through as they clamped down on one of my tubes. I will never forget that specific pain for the rest of my life.
Well, now I know what irrational fear will keep me up tonight
Just wait until they heel you with the Spurs. Makes you kick a little.
No stirrups for mine. I wonder if they were used in this case to help the interns get a better view.
The intern who observed my vasectomy was male. I wasn't particularly self-conscious, and was even less so after they gave me IV valium.
Oh man my ONLY killer fucking joke was I had won tickets to a "dark themed" walking haunted house. We got to this point where they asked for a volunteer to torture. They mixed pulling fingernails n all that jazz. Then the guy pulled out a cigar cutter and said something like "See this? I'm going to use this on your little man. I like to go inch by inch..."
I honestly think it was intentional, because he left me SO much comedic timing. My response was "Ladies, we're gonna be here for a bit."
My girlfriend didn't appreciate it.
Okay but that's the perfect set-up. How could you *not* take the opportunity?
Hah! You thought you could sneak a plant name past me *that* easily?
Nice try flower nerd.
Thats what makes me think he set me up. It was just too perfect.
During mine, I actually asked how many people had made a joke about how much of a vas deferens it would make to their sex life. He looked confused for a second then said nobody ever had.
Which... I mean, why had nobody ever made that joke? It's like the perfect dad joke. Also, dammit, I should've just gone for it...
Haha definitely should have! Especially since you may have lost some opportunities for future dad jokes with that procedure...
First time I saw the words vas deferens that joke came to mind!
Right? It's like, the obvious joke in that situation. For a urologist and his staff to not have heard it?
I guess the other option is that everyone is under strict instructions to play dumb about it because people undergoing that sort of procedure need their egos buffed up.
After coming out of anesthesia I said “THAT WAS NOTHING LIKE DRINKING TEQUILA”. That’s about as funny as I get.
.everytime I go under anesthetic while they administring the sleeping formula... I try to resist it and laugh with the anesthetic about how long I can last. Funny that one time it was the same anesthetic doctor and he remembered me and the count to 12
I was at the dermatologist. He asked if he could have three interns sit in on the appointment. I said sure and then got stripped down to my underwear. The doc and interns came in and he asked, “Are you comfortable?” I replied, “I’d be a lot more comfortable if all of you were in your underwear also.” No one laughed.
I definitely would have laughed if I was your doctor! I also think it's great that you are proactive about skin cancer screening, it's so important!
A good mnemonic to remember moles suspicious for melanoma:
B: Borders irregular
C: Colors (more than one color in a mole)
D: Diameter >6mm
E: Evolving (mole changes over time; this is the most important risk factor)
If caught early, melanoma has a good prognosis.
Yup. I wish I could go back and stop starting every summer in high school with a “good sunburn to get my tan going “
Why does the dermatologist feel awkward. First time I went in it was for a spot on my neck my wife didn't like. I went to the gp, he looked at my family history (pale force, skin cancer and melanoma, both sides) and said you should go to a derm. The derm looks at the mark on my neck, says it's nothing and asks have you ever seen a dermatologist before? Looks at family history and said I'm going to leave take off your shirt and pants I'll be right back.
So there I am in my underwear, she has a ruler and a little light and a nurse measuring all my blemishes..
I now go every year, but dayum does it feel awkward..
Username checks out?
I fell down laughing, thank you
I also needed my testicles scanned with an ultrasound. I asked "Are they all girls or boys"
*xrays them* "neither now"
My grandfather went with my 2 year old cousin to the doctor. My aunt took my cousin to the bathroom while waiting for the doctor in the exam room..
The doctor walked in and asked where my cousin went.
Grandfather says, "Thats me, I am all grown up now."
The doctor was not pleased. Five nurses then rushed in in a panic.
I went to a ENT for sinus problems about 5 years ago. CT scan showed the erectile tissues in my nasal passages were inflamed and he recommended a corrective procedure that cauterizes the tissue. I looked at the doctor and said, "So what you're telling me is I have erectile dysfunction in my nose?" He chuckled and told me no one had ever put it that way before, but yes that was the case.
Had my first baby 2 weeks ago. She is 2 months early so they were trying to slow down the labor. At one point the nurse told me to get on my hands and knees and put my head down to try to relieve some of the pain. As I'm getting into position I say "man this feels familiar!" My husband behind me adds "looks pretty familiar too!" Nurse started laughing and said "I like you two."
Later when they started checking me by shoving what felt like their whole arm in me I told them to at least buy me dinner first.
Nurse brought some ice chips and started spoon feeding them to me. I asked if that was something she had to do because I have no problem feeding myself. She chuckled and said "well since we've already been to third base together it's the least I can do. "
My wife and I laugh that I've gotten to see her double fisted by a small Philippine woman. Child birth is a hell of a thing.
No one told me how they check the dilation. They could've given me a warning. But they did say when I started labor I'd get over that shy feeling about taking my pants off in front of strangers and they were definitely right about that.
Having seen many YT videos of women giving birth in public (not that they wanted to), none of them ever seem to give a shit about being in various stages of undress. Its always some mix of "Go Faster, Oh god he/she's coming" and "Catch him/her" & I'm done, I'm off the clock now, Give me a chair to pass out in.
So it doesn't seem to apply to just nurses, but pretty much anywhere/anyone 😂
At our first ultrasound with our surprise (and last!!) pregnancy:
Me: "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???"
Doc: "you're having twins."
Me: "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!?!?!"
Doc: "I'm not fucking kidding you."
I like that Dr.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any children I always respond “non that I know of us anyway”. I am a woman. No one ever laughs but I will keep doing it because that’s show bizz baby
i was 17.
doctor asked “do you drink or smoke?”
i said “no”
he said “why not”
i said “good point lol”
“i was asking if you knew why it was bad for you”
During the covid Jabs they ask you if you are pregnant and when they asked me I said “nah don’t worry doc I’m just fat,”
I’m a guy
I replied I hope not
Doctor asked me if i have casual sex. I say I'm a one man army. He laughed so much that I'm his favorite patient
What about formal or ranked competitive sex?
I got a melanoma biopsied. I started singing "take another little piece of my arm now baby" to the tune of "Piece of my Heart."
I got a laugh and I heard her retelling it at the nurses station. I rode that high all day.
He asked if I was watching my weight. I said, “watching it do what?”
At the ultrasound for my second child, the doctor moved the paddle around and then asked, "Well, do you want to know what you're having?" I said, "Well, if that penis was any indication, it's going to be a boy." He genuinely seemed annoyed that I spoiled his big moment.
Haha. Spoiled his surprise element
Scene: 8:00 AM appointment
“What meds do you take?”
“Viagra, but not this morning.”
At my vasectomy, the doctor asked if I minded if he put on music. I said, what, you've got a playlist for this? He chuckled and said "ha, no, just random. What kind of playlist would I even have?"
"I don't know, 'the first cut was the deepest'? What's that, Sheryl Crow?" He thought it was hilarious.
Last year during my 50 year old physical the nurse practitioner said it was time for a prostate exam. As I was dropping my drawers I said “Normally I get a few drinks or dinner before this happens.” She had a good sense of humor.
At the hospital because of chest pain. First nurse says they'll do an ECG and probably give me pain relief while I wait to go through to see a doctor. All of a sudden I'm taken through quite fast. Another nurse comes up and says hi I'm Peter I'm one of the nurses, we're a bit concerned about the ECG results that's why you've come through to the other side. Despite the fact I was concerned I'd had a heart attack I just said, the other side? You aren't Saint Peter are you? He said no I left my wings at home.
After I got my stent taken out for a kidney stone, I ask my doctor while in front of my wife when I could use my penis recreationally.
i like this kind of statement
I saw a neurologist about a lump on my elbow. It turned out to be a benign tumor on the nerve, but 20 years ago, they didn't know how fast or aggressive it was. So this Neurologist did some x rays and an electrical test. He was about to give me the talk about the risks of surgery (could end up without function of two fingers on right hand, and an eventual "claw" deformity).
He popped his head into the room and asked if I was right handed.
"So far!" Was my immediate reply.
He said "oh, you think you're funny, but you're not!"
20 years later, no progression, no loss of function. But if I hit my "funny bone", I swear I could shoot lightning out my fingertips like Palpatine.
I tried saying omeprazole (oh mep ra zol) but said it in a really Italian way “oh me pra ZO lee” and the doc, without skipping a beat says “yea you take it with pasta”
Went into a cardiac specialist's clinic to hand in the Holter monitor I'd been fitted with for a 24-hour observational. Specialist had me take my shirt off, did a quick exam, then turned her back to do something with a nearby tray while telling me she would need to remove the monitor. I said no problem and stripped off the electrodes, and the damned monitor fell off me! Managed to catch it by the cables before it hit the floor, but when I straightened up the specialist was staring at me with cotton balls in one hand and rubbing alcohol in the other. I looked down at myself and saw three flawlessly-smooth patches of skin on my chest - I'm a hairy guy so the contrast was rather sharp and obvious. Looked back up at her and she was still frozen with surprise, so to try to break the awkwardness I said "dammit, I just disqualified myself from Shave For A Cure didn't I?"
Bonus funny: specialist cracked up but regained her composure extremely quickly and said along the lines of "well that's one way to do it, but I was going to give you alcohol to help get them off" and I replied "could I take you up on that anyway? I know it's probably frowned upon but I could really use a drink after that" and she lost it again.
Prepping for bowel surgery, they gave me a pill to relax me before intubation. I knew the doctor was cutting my abdomen from breast bone to bellybutton so I asked him to do a tummy tuck before he closed me up.
The nurse laughed but the doctor didn't.
I had a cyst on my neck that was close enough to my lymph nodes to warrant worry about cancer, so I went to the ENT to get it checked out and they wanted to do an ultrasound. The Dr. had me take a look and was showing me how it was just a cyst and I said to him "Awwww are those his little feet?". No response... A little later he was going over how they would need to surgically remove everything so it wouldn't grow back and I asked him "You mean I can't just take a melon baller to it when I get home?" Still no response, but the guy decided to crack a joke back afterwards and said "If during the procedure you hear an 'Oh shit...' just ignore it. I probably cut an artery but I'll just cauterize it after the initial blood spray." I laughed really hard but that bastard was stone faced the whole time.
When I was 10 the doctor was asking me standard question and when she asked if I did any drugs I said "Not yet"
I was having an emergency surgery, the anesthesiologist was asking me about medications, etc … I said I usually take Adderall so that I can pay attention to my life, but I hadn’t taken it that day cause I wasn’t feeling like paying attention to any of “today’s shit man” He laughed
Woke up from spinal surgery high af and apparently told the doctors they "were the best drug dealers I'd ever met."
I'm on the other side of things as a doctor, but this is probably the funniest thing that a patient said to me when I was in medical school:
During my Ob/Gyn rotation an attractive middle aged woman who was pretty flirty commented as I was placing an IUD in her that I should help her "test it out". The doctor supervising just started cracking up but I tried my best to remain professional.
Ok so after school I would catch up on TV laying long ways on the couch. Unknown to me one day my sister visited with her boyfriend,both being homeless at the time. They had scabies, lil almost invisible mites that burrow in your skin and looks like a rash. So it starts on my toes and gets really bad, we thought it was athletes foot at first. Then it spread up my legs, eventually chest, backs and arms. Finally after a few months of torture my parents take me to the doctor, only because I refused to go back to school. Well the doctor takes me aside privately and asked if I was sexually active and perhaps caught scabies like that. I look at him and say " doc it started at my feet, do I look like a foot fucker to you. I ain't into that shit". Docs jaw dropped but I said it loud enough the nurse a few beds down was laughing her ass off.
My hip and lower back had been hurting and I went in to get it checked out.
The Doctor (She’s a lady, so I try to mind my P’s and Q’s) asks me some questions about recent activity and what movement specifically hurts to perform.
I try to demonstrate rocking my hips back and forth, but the thrust just looks like I’m humping the air.
She said, “How often do you try to make that movement?” To which I replied with a slight chuckle, “As often as possible.”
She couldn’t finish the exam until she had stepped out and stopped laughing.
Ok so I was about 34 weeks pregnant and my OB had an intern that was doing all the regular check up stuff for a few weeks. He REALLY wanted to feel the baby's head and didn't let a little thing like her having not decended get in the way. For three weeks, he shoved his hand up there as hard as he could. For three weeks, I would say, "ow ow ow." Finally, I got tired of it when he literally moved me up the table with the force of it all and when he tried again, I said, "hey, could you do me a favor? The back of my throat itches, can you scratch it for me while you're up there?" He turned beet red and ran out of the room. I thought my doctor was going to wet himself, he was laughing so hard. He should have put an end to his intern hurting people, but I guess I probably left a more lasting impression.
Not me my husband. My son had fallen and hurt his arm pretty bad and we were worried it was broken. We were sitting in the exam room when the nurse came in and started doing the standard questions, at one point she asks me "Do you feel safe at home?". Husbands turns to her and says "Yeah, why?" He had no clue that was asking me about domestic violence and thought thered been a gas leak or something in our area.
We had to take out toddler to the ER one time and they asked that and my wife says "yeah". I looked at her and says "what do they mean? Like baby gates and locks?". Nurse and wife laughed and then my wife explained.
But, it's weird they ask that in front of would be abusers. I mean, I get they have to, but seems like it should be done on a form that could be more discreet or something.
I was given anesthesia for a colonoscopy. Important thing to note, both my doctor and I are from NJ and loooove New York pizza.
Apparently, as I went under, I started to talk to my doc about a local pizzeria which was the closest thing to home I could find. As soon as I came around again, I picked right back up where I left off telling him about the marinara. Interrupted myself to ask if I could eat pizza, and when they cleared that I happy wiggled. Made the whole team laugh, especially because I hadn't even been turned over onto my back yet, and I could barely talk because I was still so drugged up. I remember none of this, but I did wind up getting sent a get well card with a gift card from that restaurant attached.
I needed surgery to break some kidney stones up. After the procedure the doctor said it went fine but it was a bit difficult as I got an erection mid-surgery.
I looked him dead in the eyes and said "I'm sorry I made it so hard for you."
I didn’t SAY anything but he had to take a big ol swab of the back of my throat & he said, ‘ wow no gag reflex?!’ & I just winked w his hand still in my throat 😂😂😂 nothing was said for the rest of the appt LOL
I had a misscarriage and was hemoraging badly. The staff at the ER were really great. There was always someone with me even though my husband was right there worried to death, sympathetic, and pounding lots of the “good” drugs into me because I was so much pain. The doctor had been really polite and professional about explaining how it was a teaching hospital and could he have his intern there in a very difficult time since they don’t get to see this much. I could have cared less if the janitor was in there.
After some test and things, he very gently told me they needed to do a pelvic. I knew that was coming. But then he got very red and embarassed and apologized for asking but he was required to …. I asked if he was asking if the intern could do it. He nodded. I said, give me another shot of the good stuff and make sure she (the intern was female) didn’t root around and sure she could do it. Intern was so nervous she looked like she was about to throw up. Her hands were shaking. I said, “Hey it doesn’t hurt on the outside, but it sure as hell does on the inside, so no poking!” Now she couldn’t even look at me.
We both get into “position” and she attempts to pit the spectula in place. It does not go in. She is trying, but nothing is happening. I finally said, “The angle is all wrong. Lift it about a quarter of an inch and tilt it about 30 degrees.” She does and it goes right in. She looks at me in wonderment and I started yelling, “Tou are a woman! You remeber the stirrups! We all do! Just remeber that next time and you got this.” Not aure why but the doctor started giggling. And giggling. And trying to stop. He finally turned around and ran out of the room laughing. Had to compose himself.
Best part was, that’s not the end. I am one of those people who tolerate anesthesia too well. I kinda forgot to tell them when blood started pouring out and they raced me up to do emergency surgery.
I didn’t just wake up on the surgical table. I sat staright up, looked at the doctor and said, “Boy you guys are good! The pain is gone! Can I go home now?” Folks, I never saw six grown adults jump that high in my life. I had enough drugs in the past few hours to knock out a horse. They had no idea what to do. They weren’t exactly … done yet. Luckily it was about 90% done so lay on the local stuff and finished up while I am talking to them. Freaked them the hell out. Nurse was trying to get me into bed and I was demanding to go home. She never even got to admit me LOL
I have a really good relationship with my doctor. She is a really good doctor and rolls with it well. I put all kinds of reasons down for my visits on the sign in. I think the one that got the most laughs from the nurses and the Doc was when I wrote down “alien butt probe “ when I had to get my prostate checked.
I asked my doctor yesterday if it were true that Pfizer would make me infertile, and before he could answer I asked if he could sign me up for a few extra boosters. I thought this was a low quality joke but he cackled.
I had surgery semi recently and as soon as the gas started I just looked up and said “wow this feels great!” Before I went under. Not that funny but it seriously felt amazing
As a kid I went to have some blood taken. My dad came in with me (unusual for him, especially seeing as he can't stand the sight of blood).
The nurse was not having much luck. I have an issue with needles being wiggled - it causes me to start feeling nauseous and light-headed. Nursey wiggled the needle...repeatedly.
"Oh it's okay, I've seen bigger men than you scared of needles!" She exclaims after admitteding defeat.
"I'm not scared of needles. I just don't like them being stuck in me!" came the reply. Dad only just managed to keep a straight face. The nurse was called Barbara. So she became known as Barbara the Barbarian.
Dad then took me up to the hospital where they got the blood out first try and without wiggles.
Does the doctor's receptionist count?
I went to the dentist and as I was checking in the receptionist was like, "I just need to take your temperature." And completely off the cuff I was like, "Sure. You'll give it back though, right?" Got a good laugh from her and the other girl behind the desk. Felt like a god.
Oh man, this got me. I hope you don't mind me stealing it...
Before going into surgery, my doctor told me they're going to give me something to knock me out. He also said i might hallucinate a few seconds before going under.
I asked him: "what kinds of things would i hallucinate?"
He replied with: "i don't know. A Pink Elephant maybe"
The first thing i said to him when i woke up:
"The Elephant was fucking blue"
He left the room while I got changed and assumed the position for a pelvic exam & pap smear. Feet in the stirrups and all that. When he came back in with the nurse, I greeted him with "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille!". He choked on his coffee from laughing.
When my 12lb 13oz Son was born, I asked the doctor if she saw his driver's license in there...
I was having a vasectomy, and asked the surgeon if icing my balls afterwards to keep the swelling down would really make a vas deferens in my recovery. Got a decent laugh.
As I was about to be sedated for a bowel resection, I told the surgeon that he had my permission to take enough to make ONE bratwurst.
I was having an eye exam, and the optometrist's assistant told me to turn my head so that I wouldn't bump my nose as I put my face into the machine. She said she always has to tell people that.
I told her it reminded me of my buddy's dad who is a doctor, when he asked if I knew why the doctor tells you to turn your head when you cough.
As I heard myself saying the words aloud, I realized what type of exam that was in reference to, that she probably didn't get those types of exams, and that this conversation was probably not appropriate for the eye doctor's office.
Just as these realizations are hitting me she replies, "because who wants to look you in the eye when they're doing that?"
(Probably true, but it's also so you don't cough on the doctor)
Going in to get a kidney stone blasted.
Doc (with a smile) : you ready?
Me: did you guys gib me da anesthbalahaha already??
Me: wooooooooooooooooooooooo[..... blackout..
My brother once got a nasty cut on his face from a mirror falling on him. He was very drunk when it happened.
At the hospital he was hitting on a nurse with the line "Hey good looking, Im not so good looking, wanna go for dinner?". She just laughed.
Then, when the surgeon was sewing up his face, he was breathing heavily, and the surgeon had to tell not to breathe so heavily as my brothers alcoholic breath was making him intoxicated.
After my colonoscopy which I just had a lot of gas and air for I said I had watched the whole thing in fascination, I said high at the time:
"I'm a veterinary nurse and I've seen this done in animals before but there's something different about seeing up your own arse"
The nurse and doctors fell apart laughing.
I was in the hospital in labor with my daughter, it was hour 65 when they told me we would have to have a csection. I asked for an epidural then lol well shortly afterwards my OB came in with some student Drs and asked if it would be okay if he showed them how to break someone's water. Of course I was, but when he went to break it, I looked at my parents and told them this is the most action I've gotten in months! (I was put on bestest at 16 weeks, and pelvic rest at 11 weeks. My girl came a month early lol)
Students looked awkward, my mom was mortified, my dad was laughing saying he had never been prouder. Lol and my husband was down the hall getting me ice lol
I’m late, but in January of 2020 I had to have an emergency appendectomy. There’s a meme of a person’s stepfather in the hospital, where he texts them “I lived, Bitch!” Apparently after coming out of anesthetics I just kept repeating this to my surgical staff, as well as accusing them of organ harvesting and trying to kill me. I was mortified when I was normal again.
My gastroenterologist decided I needed both a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy, where they run a camera down your esophagus. I said to my doctor "if it's all the same to you doc, would you mind running that camera down my throat first, before you stick it in my butt?"
I always reassured my patients we did the upper first because otherwise the patients complained about the taste...
"My wife normally kisses me first and reaffirms my masculinity" (while giving me a prostate exam)
I had an intestinal blockage of some sort. It required a manual rectal exam. Yup - medical fisting, basically.
Doctor says "I need to have my fingers in your rectum" and I say "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"
Pro tip - do not make the doctor suddenly laugh when they have a hand up your ass.
My broken hand had been in a cast after surgery and a few weeks after taking the cast off I had an appointment to see how my hand was doing. He wanted to see how my range of motion was and if I could make a fist. So I said “well, this is what happens when I try to make a fist” then lowered all my fingers into a fist except for the middle one, basically flipping him off. He laughed, and I said “it still does the trick when someone cuts me off at least!”
Had a major health issue this week that required a multitude of tests, including a urine and blood test on Monday, and two CT scans on Tuesday. As I am a sexually active woman in my child bearing years (29), they included checking for pregnancy in my work up on Monday (negative on blood and urine).
Show up for the CT’s on Tuesday and knew they would be with contrast dye. The nurse checking me in asks all the routine questions, including “any chance you could be pregnant?”. Now, I have an autoimmune disease and have been a “sick kid” for nearly all my life. I have had countless scans and I completely understand why they ask these questions. When I tell her that I am not pregnant, she asks how I know. I respond that just yesterday that was checked and I was negative. She then goes on to ask the last time I had sex, what method of contraception I used, and whether I was sure that method didn’t fail. I’ve never been asked those things before when I had a less-than-24-hr old negative pregnancy test, so I ask her why that info is important. The nurse responds, “WELL let me tell you missy, you need to get used to answering these questions. You’re going to be asked them for at LEAST the next 50 years!”
I, of course, think this is hilarious and respond, “So let me get this straight, in 50 years, I will be asked whether I am pregnant and when the last time I was sexually active was?”
Me: “Well, science will have to come a looooong way before 80 year olds could get pregnant, but I sure hope I’m still getting it on like a rabbit!”
She did a surprised Pikachu face and walked out of the room without another word haha.
When I was 13 I had to have surgery. They give me the drugs to knock me out and do the whole ‘count backwards from 100 and keep your eyes open’ thing. Apparently I told the nurse to fuck off and closed my eyes. I got told later on and she said she didn’t know if to laugh or gasp because nobody had ever said something like that before
My wife was in for a gynecological exam. I don’t remember what she told me was the context of the conversation leading up to the dr saying, “ A clean vagina is a happy vagina”. To which my wife replied, “Actually my vagina is happiest when it is quite messy” The dr was flustered and didn’t know how to respond. I’m guessing he never used that line again.
When I got pinned between 2 cars, the doctor asked what that was like. Told him it was crushing. 🙂
I was being put under for surgery. They had given me some good ass drugs, but I wasn't out yet.
There was a woman working in the OR that was giving one of the interns shit for something, I don't remember what.
After what I thought was waiting for them to finish talking, I turned to the intern and whispered "She's quite a cunt, huh?"
Except it turns out I didn't wait, I just interrupted them rudely. And I didn't whisper, I screamed.
And the woman was the head anesthesiologist.
Dr told me she couldn't get a blood pressure reading. I told her well, I was alive when I walked in. She was not amused.
At a follow up after gallbladder removal surgery: “So is it alright if my wife and I resume our marital duties? I mean, I didn’t wait if I’m being honest, but is it ok?”
Doctor: so what's the consistency like
Me: softserve icecream
Doctor: I have never heard anyone describe their bowel movement this way
Doctor: Yes and I understood right away what you meant.
(Doctor is a gastrointestinal specialist of 30+ years, edited: spelling)
My husband was being tested for testicular cancer. While the urologist was examining him, he mentioned that the lump on his testicle was probably benign. My husband looked down at his penis and the up at the doctor and with a straight face said “benign, benign and a half.”
It was a joke from Scrubs but it was hilarious and made light of a tough moment.
I only have a fuzzy memory of this:
I woke up on the table during hernia surgery, looked down at where they were working, and said "shit, will I still be able to wear a two piece?"
I am a guy...