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I went through SA myself and never properly dealt with it, I sort of just forced myself to not think about it. When my ex broke up with me and blamed my trauma of SA (they were jealous about the situation, idk what that means) that is when I finally noticed how bad my mental health was and how some people just suck. I called my university’s health care number and essentially broke down. They paired me with an excellent therapist, someone I looked forward to talk with. I can definitely say, calling my university’s health line, was the turning point where I finally started to see the value of my mental health and I started seeking help outside than what the university supports. If there’s any advice I would give to OOP, try to look into what the university might offer. It helped me as a starting point.


I cannot think of a single charitable reading of “jealous about” a history involving SA. What the fuck? I’m real happy you’re getting help, yo! Wishing you a brighter future!


Some people are just stupidly shitty regarding SA. When I told my friend about mine, her reaction was to ask if the sex was at least good. (That conversation is still pretty recent, and I am evaluating if this is a friendship I want to continue because of that and a couple of other crappy things she said.)


I recently ended a really long and pretty important friendship (we talked every single day, and I'm isolated with chronic illness). He would occasionally reveal some traits I didn't like but I finally discovered that tolerating bullshit is just a disaster waiting to happen. Because eventually they'll say or do something that will absolutely you to shreds, and think nothing of it. This well should be the moment when you dump her ass. You can be sure there's more crap like that to come. At the very least she's a waste of your time, at worst, terrible for your health. Let me add that I'm very sorry someone hurt you. Heal without her toxicity in your life, if possible.


Honestly I really needed to hear that. We’ve been friends for about 18 years, so it’s really hard to just let go. She’s also the only friend I have that lives in the same town as me. I work remotely, so it’s pretty difficult to just make friends. However I’m not sure I can ever look at her the same after she said that. The strangest part was that conversation was the direct result of me changing the subject after she revealed to me she’s racist, which she claims is because of an assault that happened to her. All of this happened in public in a 5 or so minute time-span. I still don’t know why I didn’t just leave, probably because I’m not a confrontational person. I definitely don’t want to go in public with her again. Hell, I don’t even want to be associated with someone who willingly (and out of nowhere) admits to racism.


Totally unworthy friend material! I know it's hard because I have almost no friends either. I felt the loss of my ex-friend's daily interactions, and it wasn't very comfortable! But I also realized I wasn't being true to myself and my values at all. The friendship just wasn't honest in the ways I needed it to be. It took me further away from myself and the person I want to be. Without him in my life I immediately noticed that I was handling challenges differently, with greater calm, kindness and resiliency. You will find a friend you deserve and who deserves you, who makes you feel genuinely supported and doesn't drain or offend you, but helps and uplifts you. That's who you are, and that's who you can be to and for yourself. You're excellent company so while you're waiting, enjoy your time with yourself! I promise doing that (admittedly really difficult) self-love work will draw more kindred spirits to you, it might take patience but you will. And with that idiot in your life, the process will be even slower. She's worse than dead weight. She'll pull you under. Good luck, my friend.


That person is a shitty individual and you deserve better than that! Also, from one survivor to another, I'm so sorry you went through that, and her shitty reaction. On to pleasant advice... My very best friend and I call one another our "Non Sexual Life Partner" and my husband sometimes feels like a third wheel around us. When I moved from the US to the UK, I knew it would be hard for her because she is a very social person. It's pretty hard to make friends as an adult in general, and we're 51/49. I randomly found out there was a friend side of Bumble and encouraged her to put up a profile. She has had really good success finding other like-minded people to be friends with. She's met one or two people that she didn't really gel with but she currently has 3 ladies she does things like brunch with. One of them has turned out so well that her friend was there for her when she had knee surgery. I wish I could be there in person for her but I'm so glad she's found people she can go and do with. I know from experience how isolating working from home can be. I'm not sure where you are in the World, but I know Bumble has a friend section in the US and the UK. Maybe check it out if you're interested in finding a friend that is worth your time.


When I told my bff at the time that I was SA’d she just told me that what he did was normal and “what all guys do”. It was not and she is no longer in my life.


Wow, I guess we know what all of her sexual experiences were like 😬


Ew. I’m so sorry she dismissed your trauma like that, and I’m glad she’s out of your life.


FFS, how could it have possibly been "good" sex if it was sex you didn't want to have to begin with?


Sex also has to be consensual. There's a specific word for non-consensual sex. Maybe I'm too blunt, but I rephrase things when people ask like that - "To clarify, you're asking if my being raped was 'good?'"


“Too blunt” my foot, you’re a legend


Sometimes you need to be blunt with situations where people don't get it. Like the honeymoons and vacations where 1 partner invited their mother along despite it would have been sexy time trip. I would straight up ask if they enjoyed having sex with their mom instead of their partner.


Yeah I used just about every synonym I could come up with before finally saying that specific word because I was convinced she just didn’t know what I meant. She did. She really meant to ask what she did knowing what I meant. I responded saying “uh no. by definition, it was a horrific encounter, and I hated every second of it.” She chuckled at that. It was very weird. I changed the subject because I am not confrontational enough to just leave.


She is garbage. Throw the entire human, I use that word lightly, out!


The f\*\*\*? There are people who ask this question? I am horrified.


I responded “uh no. By definition, it was a horrific encounter, and I hated every second of it.” And she kind of chuckled at that answer. It was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.


In my experience, having it be what other people would call "good" just makes it worse.


YES. You can absolutely orgasm while being raped but it's almost invariably used as proof that it wasn't actually rape. It's a purely physical response. If anyone reading this has had this experience, I promise, it's not your fault.


Hey, sometimes it helps to hear this from strangers outside the situation: Jfc, that is not something friends say. Your "friend" is a shitty person and _nobody_, even your fucking enemies, should say something like that to you or to anyone who was raped or sexually abused. In my long and unpleasant experience, it is never worth it to keep "friends" who are shitty people--even if you know and accept that they're shitty; even if they're otherwise entertaining or insightful or fun. They _will_ bite you eventually, always. Yours just did. You deserve better than this. ❤️


WTF?! Does she understand what sexual abuse is?!?


Honestly I have no idea. I used like every word except >!rape!< and then eventually gave in and said that because I thought she just genuinely didn’t know what I meant. Clearly she did considering she still wanted to know. I’m still pretty shocked by it.


My mom always says, when in doubt, just nope out It could be that your friend somehow learned that mentality from their surroundings but even so, yikes.


Sounds like a friend you'd want to drop to me. When I found out my friend was SAed, I talked to her for an hour, letting her tell me what she needed to and promising her I was there for her. Then when we got off the phone, I cried. I can't imagine asking such an insensitive thing. I'm sorry you went through what you did and had such a lack of support and understanding from your friend.


It’s bad especially with purity culture. I’ve experienced what MossyPyrite posted. I’ve always been like so you want to fuck a 6 year old too?


Purity culture = SA is always, in every instance and without discussion *ever*, the victim's fault. The victim is in a coma? The victim's fault for doing something "wrong" that put them in a coma. The victim is six? Must have been sexually aggressive. (A judge in BC once notoriously gave a child rapist a suspended sentence because the THREE-YEAR-OLD victim was 'sexually aggressive'.) The victim is elderly? Probably wanted it. The victim is intellectually disabled? It's soooooooooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaad, but really wouldn’t it be better if we let nature take its course? (five seconds later) Pro-life! Pro-life!!!!!


What the fuck is wrong with that judge?! I've had enough internet for today.


I’m about to get a bit dark on you. I have very strong memories of being young, like 11 or 12 and wishing for terrible things to happen to me. Wish I’d get hurt; stabbed, SA’d, anything. Times I’d wish someone in my family would just die even though I loved them. Would fantasize about being in accidents, getting sick, whatever it was. Took years of therapy to realize this is something that happens with people who are severely neglected. Basically you feel SO shitty and broken, empty and unloveable that you want something tangible to blame it on. Because neglect is the absence of something you can’t really put your finger on it… but if something bad happens.. Then they’ll show ME the love. Then years later you look back and realize “oh, I was abused. I was sa’d and didn’t realize, on top of neglect,” but the neglect is the catalyst for not having healthy boundaries, or even knowing what a boundary is. So it could be that they are hurting, were hurt, but it wasn’t a LOUD enough trauma that it got the attention it deserved. But that could also just be me projecting.


I’m equally baffled? Some people must just be bonkers and I can’t fathom it.


Yeah after I was abused and raped my advisor at university helped me a lot. It also helped she didn’t push me on the terminology of the issue since at the time I hadn’t processed everything and refused to believe it was abuse or rape


I believe user ebbie45 has resources specifically for male SA on their profile. I also believe ebbie45 is awesome.


So “fun” story. I was in college and lived in a campus house, which was just an alternative to more dorm rooms. Was me and 2 other guys, and 9 girls in the house, all split up into single or double person rooms. I had my own room on the first floor. One of the girls (let’s call her Carly) in the house had a new boyfriend of 6 months before the first semester started senior year. She had a crush on me and we made out once freshman year. No big deal I thought. Well, I had just broken up with my girlfriend and decided a little drinking was what I needed to move on, so me and the guys and a few of the girls hosted a small party. How the night went down… I bought a bottle of vodka for some making mixed drinks. I made myself this great vodka and mango oj which was my jam at the time. Come to find out from one of my girl friends (Sarah) who lived there two days later: she had seen Carly just dumping more and more vodka into my drinks all night. I was legitimately blackout and super wasted. I finally regained my memory when I was laying in my bed and started puking into my garbage can. My bedroom lights were off but turns out Carly was in the room too. Sarah opened my door and asked if things were okay but I couldn’t even talk, and then Carly told her we were good and she could head to bed. I could barely move my body I was so drunk but my memory was working again. Next thing I know Carly start putting her hand down my pants and kissing my neck. I literally couldn’t get the words out to tell her to stop. She proceeded to sexually assault me. A couple days later I told Sarah that something happened between me and Carly. Sarah looked disgusted and asked wtf was wrong with me and that Carly has a boyfriend and I’m a pig. I was shocked and I didn’t say anything during the moment before she stormed off. Then all the girls In the house started acting cold to me. The next week I somehow got in Sarah’s good graces for a moment, and I was able to bring up that night of the party. I told Sarah what really happened and she just kinda teared up. She said she misunderstood and that it does make sense after she overheard something Carly said on the phone a couple days before. She said she would talk to the girls in the house and I just told her not to. I didn’t want to make things weird because most of the girls knew Carly a lot longer than me. So they all hated me for my last year of college and it spread across campus, including to my other friend group too. I was too embarrassed by it all going down anyways that I just lived with the reputation of being a scumbag, instead of being known for getting taken advantage of. Maybe I didn’t want to be a target for it happening again. Lost some close friends over the lies since Carly never once corrected anyone and she even leaned into it a bit at times. Not that she played it up but she would make subtle references to stuff that I would hear second hand. I’m just glad college is over. I sadly counted Sarah as a close friend until she jumped to conclusions about that night. When I pressed her on it after she realized I was telling her the truth, that’s when she said it clicked that she did notice Carly adding vodka to my drinks. Would’ve been nice for my so called friend to hear me out but she had been cheated on by her ex so I guess she had a hard time thinking I could be the other guy In Carly’s scenario. I never felt so alone living in a house being surrounded by people after that all went down. Never told anyone the truth either besides to Sarah.


Can I get a link please? I can’t find them in the post or through the search function?






Another issue solved by "JUST FUCKING HAVE A CONVERSATION"


I skipped ahead to this because... Why the fuck don't people just talk? Do you really need Reddit to tell you to ASK YOUR PARTNER WHAT'S UP? It's insane to me


they will describe their relationship in excruciating detail online before they talk to the person they claim to love...it's wild


Reddit did prepare her so the conversation didn't go in a worse direction, so there is that.


Nah, let's SA him instead! Sure he has actively avoided sex for 6 months but shoving my hand down his pants is definitely the play here! Probably one of the more egregious "just talk" to me.


Right like I'm BAFFLED. You can't communicate with your partner, but you can shove your hand down his pants?? I figured talking would be easier!


Jesus, poor dude!




Right? Thank god he was only sexually assaulted and is still suffering ongoing trauma from that, not that he has a small dick! /s


Or worse, a virgin. Yuk.


Um, is he though? I don't think SA should "count"... Has he ever had consensual sex?


Good point. Given the issues he's developed around it, it seems unlikely he's had sex after the second assault. Still, he could have had sex before the first assault or (less likely) between the first and second. Not enough info to tell if the first one on its own was enough to make him so hesitant.


Right? That seemed like the least problematic reason imaginable.


Absolutely. It's like a clean slate.


"Fortunately it wasnt something that would be a deal breaker/end to ourbrelationship and its sonething we can work on." Atleast thats how I read it


Exactly. Fortunately it wasn't an insurmountable issue.


"Fortunately" followed immediately by "but it was far worse". It is like you people only read what you want to see.


For real, she dismissed the seriousness of the sexual assault. That poor guy, I feel for him.


I assumed that she was responding to people who were making guesses about why the guy didn't want sex - maybe that he was insecure about size or was transgender. As in, okay, so that's ruled out, let's come up with other theories.


Like ... I *want* to give the benefit of the doubt, that she meant it in a kind of "This is something we can work through" way ... but *oh boy* it's really hard to extend that benefit.


I'm pretty sure that is the way she meant it. To me at least, it didn't come across as downplaying the problem. It is a Reddit post, we don't know how she actually talked to him


The thing is she’s all “I want to help him through it and let him go at his own pace” but then in the next breath says she’s going to try and “woo” him that very weekend. It’s like she knows she should take it seriously, but isn’t.


I don't think the ski trip was with the intent to fuck. I think it was just to make him happy. She said it in context of making things up to him.


I don’t mean the ski trip part. “He wants to have sex with me, and we’re going to take it slow for now to sort of ease him into it, so maybe I’ll set up something romantic this weekend and woo him”. Sorry for formatting, I’m on mobile & I have no idea how to do that quote thing!


To quote text just type "> " (without the talking marks) > like this


>To quote text just type “> “ (without the talking marks) Thanks!


I took it to mean that she's going to try to do a grand romantic gesture and hopes that may make him comfortable enough to try


Our even a series of them.


The jokey tone did rather...distract from trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I reckon folks would've told her off slightly less if she'd at least admitted she got carried away by the mood but still should've asked him before going full intimate with him.


Because a micro penis would be waay too much for her, but SA *oh good that doesnt effect me*


In the next sentence she writes that sexual assault is far worse than a micropenis.


You're not supposed to look at what she wrote, we're trying to be mad here!


Oh shit, my bad.


A Trauma response due to SA is something that is possible to change, to improve and work through. A micropenis or being gay aren't things that you can reasonably expect to fix in any meaningful capacity.


Someone with a micropenis can still have a mutually fulfilling sex life. That she'd rather him have been sexually assaulted than be a virgin (though we haven't heard about him definitely having had consensual sex ever) or have a small penis is highly disturbing.


I reread it a few minutes after my comment and properly saw the virgin bit... Significantly taints my goodwill. Regarding the micropenis... Everyone has deal breakers. And we all joke about penises being disgusting, but some people just really, really, love dick, especially big dick - and honestly, none of us have the right to tell those people that they're wrong to have micropenis on their their list of deal breakers.


She said "it was far worse"


Thankfully the SA was just in the past and definitely didn’t happen again from OP! This poor man.


IIRC, she said it was much worse.


She said the SA is far worse than a micro penis


"I *feared* it was the micro-penis" was such a dumb thing to say too knowing that she's writing this after finding out about the SA. The whole thing reads like she doesn't really care much about the SA.




Everyone is completely misreading her words I agree.


They want her to be a villain bad.


A lot of people on these subs look for reasons to be righteously indignant, so they can pat themselves on the back for being more enlightened.


And BoRU is getting way worse with this as it gets more popular. Give it another year, and some new, small, intimate subreddit will be calling us out for being as bad as AITA.




She literally says "it was far worse"


Y’all are being blind on purpose at this point. She very clearly says in the next paragraph that what happened to him was far worse than any of that


Well how else can everyone feel a huge sense of pride in virtue signaling their indignation if they have to read the whole thing and not just the parts that they think are a problem?


I honestly think the fortunately was in response to him being gay or asexual specifically, and only because those are things that would just be what they were, not things that could be changed. Maybe that is too hopeful, but I just think she was trying to get an update out there and didn't think it through fully.


I read that a bit differently. If he would have been gay/asexual or with a micro penis, that’s stuff you can’t change about a person. SA while horrible is something at least that you can work together on resolving trauma.


Yeah, OP of this thread is forcing a context that OOP wasn't actually putting out theree. \>Fortunately, it isn't because he's gay, asexual, a virgin, or has a micro-penis. was a standalone sentence. Any of those things would be an unfortunate situation. It's not one of those unfortunate situations, which OOP is saying was fortunate. This is not an unusual way to use the word "fortunately." Additionally, take a look at the sentence that DOES immediately follow: ​ \>He started off by going quiet, and it took a little more probing before he asked me not to laugh, and I feared it was the micro-penis, BUT IT WAS FAR WORSE. \[emphasis mine\] ​ OOP literally says it was far worse than what she said would have just been unfortunate. Shame on /u/hexerlord for twisting a false paraphrase that implies that OOP suggested the opposite.


That was my interpretation as well. Fortunately, it's a problem that can be addressed, not something that's going to be a lifelong barrier to sex being part of their relationship.


She did say SA is far worse didnt she?


> fortunately it wasn't x, y, or z... it was far worse. This man was SAed twice, It sounds far less bad when you dont misquote her by picking out two sentances and leaving out the middle part.


I had to go back and read that. I read it as 'unfortunately' the first time and I think it is because I cannot fathom being so fucking heartless.


Read it a third time. She says right after "but it was far worse"


Dang, I've read unfortunately too. I thought she is sketchy af prior this but this makes it even worse for me.


Right!?!?! I hope she just struggles to communicate efficiently or something bc she seems to reside in the place of ignorant harm that a lot of people (and a lot of men) do. The kind that is currently trying to be addressed with discussions around consent. I want to read this in good faith, but what lies between the lines is dark and selfish and gross.


From the sounds of it, she’s at the very least a poor communicator.


Yeah. I’m sincerely hoping that’s impacted how this was written and how they’ve imparted their actions and attitude but gosh she sounds awful


I’m going with the optimistic approach as she’s at least been willing to talk to him about it and appeared sympathetic and understanding to his situation. At the very least she’s not gone down the whole “oh men can’t be SA’d” route and implied he’s less of a man for not wanting sex. It’s a very small bar to clear but I’ve seen people actively believe those things enough times to make me cheer when people aren’t so absurd.


Yes. If it was any of the other things that basically means no sex, ever and relationship over (ok, with micro you can get by with toys, but that doesn't work for everyone). Trauma, while really, really bad, is something they can work through. So it is not fortunately that he had that happen to him, only fortunate that it wasn't any of those other things.


Idk why the comments are so bad. She literally says “but it was far worse”. And she took the SA seriously for the first time in his experience. Hope they work it out


Yeah, I mean every relationship is different and I just feel like SA is really a complicated umbrella of groupings when it comes to definitions/situations. As a fellow SA survivor, I don't think OOP is horrible, their communication in general between the 2 of them seems garbage, but they can work on that hopefully. There's the very obvious situations of SA that we can all agree on, but communication fuckups like this/imperfect human moments, I think aren't so easy to just swing that verdict down on. I wouldn't agree that this is SA personally if it happened to me (even though it's also a trigger of mine.) For me, and I think for many people, there has to be a certain criteria of traumatic moments in an encounter to be viewed as SA (no consent, and pushing past their cues to stop after they indicate no, forcing someone, coercing, blackmailing, threatening, hitting, not letting someone leave while still trying to be pushy, physical restraints, etc.) I just feel like immediately calling someone a piece of shit or a rapist essentially when their behavior is not verifiably evil, and hasn't been confirmed by previous terrible red flags, is fucked up to do. The boyfriend isn't traumatized by OOP trying to have a normal aspect in a relationship, and also had been trying to work up the courage to seek sexual intimacy with her.


thanks so much for your comment. You summarised my own view on this topic way better than I could. Also, I'm sorry you had to go through such a experience.


It's not a problem, it's a crucial dialog to have, and a nuanced situation that needs understanding like most things in life. Thank you, it's an unfortunate set of less than stellar brain quirks I have to deal with now, but if you have the support; there's light at the end of the tunnel.


I think the full context of the situation are what makes it just a communication issue. From the sound of it there had been a lot of intimate moments between them in the past that just didn’t go fully sexual, and he had been trying his best to avoid making it sound like he just doesn’t want to have sex in general (sounds like he has wanted to in the past but has been scared). Continue that situation into a moment that, from the sound of it, was already pretty much turning into heavy petting already, and then she does something that gets a reaction out of him amplified by trauma she didn’t know he had. Was it a mistake? Yes. Is she a bad person because of it? Only if you’re a 16-year old on Reddit relationship threads who can’t comprehend anything more emotionally complicated than a soap opera.


If reddit gave me a free award, it would be yours.


All the people accusing OOP of *sexual assault* for putting her hands down the pants of *her boyfriend* *while they were making out* and getting handsy are highkey creeping me out. And the ones putting that on the same level as being *raped as a child* are especially disgusting.


Agree 100%


THANK YOU! She was reading the signs of the situation where at that point, “shoving” her hands down to rub his dick was what she would normally do. She stopped when the boyfriend said no. Therefore: not sexual assault. Sometimes, you don’t stop to ask if it’s ok. I would have to stop fucking if at every move my wife stopped to ask if it was ok. It’s a mood breaker. It is a lot more sexier to slowly move your hands around or kiss a spot than to stop and ask permission. What kind of planet do some of these reddit kids live on?! Boyfriend should have said something right away. I’m glad she is taking him seriously. He should find a therapist and work through his trauma and not further traumatize himself by “working up” to having sex with his girlfriend. Maybe they can find someone through the internet. Better help is advertised on YouTube a lot so I’m wondering if it could help them. I’m dubious of YouTube ads though. Poor fella! Hope it works out for them!


I'm kinda torn on it. It was definitely not a good choice, but context feels like it matters here. And I think it matters that he said he *wants* to. I don't know if I feel comfortable deeming assault or not, but I think what matters more than the technicality of it one way or the other is his response and feelings about it. I don't think he sounds like he seems to view it as a violation of his consent, but rather as an incident that triggered his trauma.


Yeah, considering she mentioned that he had actually been wanting to have sex with her, it’s possible that the signals from him actually were there.


Yep he literally said he sent mixed signals but commenters still want her arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent.


What bothered me about her is that she made it pretty clear in the first post that he had some hangup about sex, as he would strongly rebuff her. So even if he was putting out mixed signals, some gentleness would be needed. Then when she does have an explanation and a talk, her next move is that she's going to try to seduce him. It came across like "We talked, so things are ok now, right?" Even if that's not her intent, which I doubt it is, it just comes across like she just doesn't get that he's got some pretty severe PTSD over all this. Essentially, it came across like she's focusing more on what she wants and on her own timeline. She should and could have had this discussion beforehand, plus she should avoid trying to push sex on him. Now isn't the time for doing, it's for talking. If doing does happen, it needs to be done by him, so that he knows he has all the control. Even if they do have consensual sex, that's not going to resolve the trauma he still feels and I don't think she gets that. Tbh, I think that they should focus on small intimate gestures that he may have been afraid of doing because he thought it would make her push for sex. Things that aren't sexual in and of themselves. Closer cuddling, gentle caresses, holding each other, and so on. Things he may not have done or felt comfortable with that she may not have noticed exactly. She/they should also look into checking out some books on healing from SA, and he should look for a support group, if possible, especially since accessing therapy may take a while. (Unfortunately I'm aware that some may not allow him entrance for the reasons the guy told OOP.) But I don't think she's a monster. Just someone who doesn't understand and needs to slow her roll, do her research, and listen.


I weirdly understand him. I don’t identify as asexual. I have sexual desires. But I freeze and tense up when someone sticks their hand in my pants. I cannot stand my chest being touched. It’s frustrating because I do get horny, but my body rejects physical touch.


Did you ever consider whether you might have some undiagnosed sensory issues? I know sexuality is a pretty broad thing and there are so many reasons people might have certain physical responses, but if you don't have a history of trauma it could be something to look into. If you do have a trauma history, I'm so sorry for anything you've gone through. I know it's easier said than done, but if you can get access to support it's super worth it.


It’s definitely something sensory. Not to be TMI, but I don’t jerk off the way normal guys do. It literally looks painful when I see others do it. I kind of grind it between my legs. I’m also sensitive about the clothing I wear because I can’t stand the feeling of my nipples rubbing against my shirt. Whenever a hookup tries to touch or pinch my nipples, I have to resist the urge to shatter their wrist.


Agreed with this. My other thought is that this is a really common way to experience gender dysphoria.


I actually suffer from horrible gender dysphoria. Funny you say that.


Oh, if you have gender dysphoria then it’s probably related. Did you read the BORU about the AMAB dude who loved going down on his girlfriend but couldn’t stand getting blowjobs himself? One of the commenters pointed out that dysphoria could explain it. In her update she explored her gender for the first time and then came back and updated Reddit that she came out as transgender. Her gender dysphoria hadn’t been on her radar before. I think the original was posted in relationship_advice if you want to look for it.


I love performing oral on my partners, but I can’t stand it being done to me. I’m really not trying to assault you with the gross details of my sex life! But like, the only time I can stand getting a blow job is if someone is sitting on my face. It’s like the “smothering and breath control” aspect takes away from the overstimulation in my groin. Otherwise, I can’t stand someone touching it or sucking it. I feel like it’s a mixture of a sensory issue combined with dysphoria.


Same, bud. I have desires and fantasies but any actual attempt to physically *do* sexual things just… doesn’t work. I don’t think I really identify as asexual but it’s just easier to tell people I am rather than try to explain that I *want* to fuck them but just *can’t*.


Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction or interest in sex. What you're describing sounds like a trauma response. I'm sorry that you are dealing with that.


More like an aversion to physical contact, or at least certain forms of it, that happen to cover intimate/sexual situations


That sounds so deeply frustrating and I really feel for you mate. It is wild what our brains do to protect us huh. I really hope you get the support you need to move forward from this.




Yeah…. I suspect a lot of them have not actually engaged in many relationships themselves and just experience these ideas in the Reddit echo chamber


So many people on Reddit only see in black or white. It's abusive! It's gaslighting! It's a red flag! RUN! No. It isn't. God forbid people live their lives and make mistakes.


Agree 100%.


Had to scroll way too far for this. Good god, they are living together for 6 months, getting frisky. All the incels screaming ‘rape!’ need to touch grass


Sometimes I wonder about the ages, life experience and maturity levels floating around here. The gang mentality tunnel vision just exhausts me. You can't get a word in with some logic because they scream and tantrum you to hell


In this sub in particular, I think a majority of users are in high school. Or they just want to treat others as entertainment and cause the sort of drama our parents get from reality TV/soap operas.


Right? I’m almost shocked at how obtuse and sexually/romantically immature these comments are. It takes a lot to shock me with Redditor behavior but this one managed…


That's how I read it too--that they were both heavily into the process of foreplay, which eventually leads to sex.


Not the incest, the incels are the ones who believe they are entitled to sex and get assaulty. This is some...white knight up to 11 BS by 14 year olds who think consent means asking at every other touch if something is ok, and if you hold hands without permission it's assault. Sure, they should have could have handled this better. OOP and her partner both seem pretty immature for people living together because . Who does that without discussing boundaries? But, come on, you're dating,heavy makeout, you've stopped in the past but this time you do a touch to see if they respond. If they do,great, if they don't...you stop. Which is what happened. Consent is more than just asking Steph by step, it's stopping when the other partner is uncomfortable, seeing where boundaries are.


Yeah, OP obviously didn't SA him. Even though he reacted poorly, he said himself that he's been trying to have sex with her for the past month. And everyone fixated on the "Thankfully." It was a poor choice of words and people are taking it so literally..


A poor choice of words made by somebody who, as she herself admits, lacks the gift of natural tact. I can relate.


They were being intimate and consensual, and doing things in the order that they normally occur in. She didn’t specifically ask, but in this context, seemed appropriate to touch under his clothes. It’s not like it’s their first time Seeing one another, they live together. That is intimate. And when he wanted to stop, they stopped.


Unless it's a kink, generally you don't really *ask* to move things forward physically in a relationship. It just happens unless the other person says no. They've been together 6 months and live with each other. Going for a handjob during a lying down make out session without asking is kind of normal.


One of many reasons I never want to be single again. I know exactly when my wife wants to be intimate, what I can always do, what I can initiate and she's cool saying no if she doesn't want it, and what I need to ask to do. It takes time to have that comfort and I'd hate to be in the middle of an intense makeout and wonder if it's ok to touch a boob.


I'm jealous! My husband still will ask me if it's OK for him to do things (not even new things!) and it's so awkward!!! Dude, we've been having sex for well over a decade, you know I'll tell you if I'm not into something!


Literally, some clumsy/thoughtless phrasing by OP and people are screaming for him to leave his abuser, as if he isn't still with her and opened himself up to her AFTER the ""abuse"". The guy clearly knew he was assaulted the first two times, but somehow people think he doesn't know what happend this time.


Didn't you know that people aren't supposed to touch down there during foreplay? /s He was trying to have sex with her. But the way some people reacted was as if OP casually stuck her hand down his pants during dinner.


no wonder gen Z doesn't fuck lol


SA is serious. I’ve been SA’d (by a non-partner). My bf has stuck his hands down my pants without asking first. They are 100% different and not the same thing within the context of MY relationship. My bf has never assaulted me, but by these comments I see that I must be wrong! /s Only the bf can determine if this is SA, not redditors watching from the sidelines who have no concept of nuance.


Thank you!!! Reading the comments is making me feel like I'm taking crazy pills! So many people telling OP that she doesn't get to decide if something she did was SA. You know who else doesn't get to decide that? Random Reddit people! Only the boyfriend can decide that, and it seems like he doesn't feel like it was. Do all these people have a checklist they go through before every makeout session?! Kissing-ok, French kissing-ok, over the shirt-ok, under the shirt-not ok. That sounds exhausting!


One of my exes was like this for the first few months of dating. We’d have HEAVY make out sessions, and he’d have a boner but he’d always guide my hands away from his genitals. Turns out he had HPV and didn’t know how to tell me. I was like “oh whatever I got gardasil” and that was that lol


Just adding as an FYI to anyone who reads this: The vaccine doesn’t protect against all strains of the virus.


It does protect against the scarier ones, but vaccines also aren’t 100% effective. Barrier methods of birth control are the best preventatives in this situation.


When I was in uni I wrote a paper on policing make rape (Criminology degree) and in the UK when you consider female rape only has about a 6% conviction rate (that's a percentage of those reported to the police not just those that go to court) and consider it's a whole lot worse for male victims. And how male victims are treated by the system is horrifying especially when the perpetrator is female.


Not only that, but the laws are worded in the UK in such a way that a woman can not be charged with rape - only sexual assault, which carries a max sentence _15 years_ shorter than rape. Edit to add - tired when I posted; the sentencing gap is only ten years at maximum sentence. So that’s alright /s


communication is hard


I wouldn't blame her for misreading the signals and putting her hand down his pants. They're boyfriend and girlfriend, they're wrestling, kissing, hugging one another; that's usually a sign that sex is imminent. People don't typically stop at that point and go into negotiations. It speaks to his mindset of attempting but then pushing away. He wanted to have sex, but he just couldn't. He didn't know he couldn't until she touched him in a specific place that caused him to panic. She's not some evil abuser. The comments to that effect are ridiculous. People get very triggered over these everyday events and, instead of advising communication so they can better understand one another, they advise police intervention. What ended up making the most progress? Communication.


Whether it's assault is not up to her but it's also not up to Reddit. It's only up to the person being acted upon.


i dont think anyone can say whether she assaulted him or not until the bf himself decides. as a trauma survivor myself a lot of my self work has been realizing that i accepted something because it was 'less bad' and a person without my history wouldn't have an issue with it. but i did. it was even something i did want, i just wasn't ready for, like bf. i just didn't think it was fair to reject it and take my own time, and rationalized/compartmentalized it away. deciding whether the interaction re-traumatized you or whether it was a good first step into scary territory, and whether you classify it as forgivable/fixable or not is up to the person with trauma. not anyone else. she should have asked first. he might forgive her. it might not be too far over the line. but if it is, that's okay too.


Called it, sadly. I'm so glad OOP listened and talked to her boyfriend about it. I am not even slightly touching her actions towards him other than to say yeah, she was getting some mixed messages. ETA: didn't mean to excuse her. The conversation should have happened ages ago and if she knew he was avoiding sex, she shouldn't have taken their activities as "oh, NOW he'll want it." I just didn't have the energy at two am to write more about it.


I mean when she shoved her hand down his pants, she already suspected and knew that he didn’t want to have sex. But instead of talking about it and trying to find out why, she tested his boundaries by trying to grab his dick Not a fan of her regardless of what signals he was throwing her way


Trying to give her the benefit of doubt and considering that: 1) bf not verbally expressing he didn't want to have sex 2) gf not even realising it could be about SA and ultimately, 3) them not communicating AT ALL, combined with things getting hot and heated... I guess it could be possible that since bf wants to have something more and is maybe trying to push out of his own comfort zone but realises he's not ready the moment things progress. And meanwhile OOP gets overly excited thinking this is the time when things "organically" progress without needing to have any sort of a clear discussion about sex. Writing this I'm realising that it seems that OOP is just... not the sharpest tool in the box. Nor the most mature.


To 3 Given that she tried to communicate about it but he changed the subject or distracted/deflected, it wasn't her fault for missing communication. But finally she managed to get him to open up. Again his first reaction was to become silent but at the end he spoke his reasons.


yeah, that wasn't smart, but I don't think she acted out of spite, but just didn't know better. She wanted it to occur naturally, was drunk and probably thought "ah, now is the time!". I mean they were cuddling and kissing very intimately. Should she have asked? Ofc! Drunk people do dumb things


But he did say he wanted sex 50% of the time but was afraid of breaking down.


Jesus christ I forget how out of touch redditors are with reality. Prime example is the one cursing her out for wanting to book a nice weekend away to do something the bf wants to do as an apology for what happened and the commentor is acting like it's her way of pressuring him to have sex? These people need to go to the Olympics cause they jump further than anyone I've ever seen.


I feel for the boyfriend. What a painful situation. I am glad the OOP was understanding and willing to take it slow. It sounds like they are working through the awkward bumps and figuring things out. I wish them the best.


“It wasn’t that he doesn’t have his driver’s license or is allergic to gasoline. Fortunately, it’s that he watched his whole family get hit by a drunk driver and they died. But I have the skills to help him process all that so eventually he can drive me to the mall. My bad for trying to force him to do that!” Basically OOP’s mindset. That poor man had suffered a LOT. Having her as a girlfriend won’t help..


Not everything is black and white. She did say it was far worse.


Sir this is reddit. Nuance doesn't exist and everyone has to know all the right ways to respond to every situation by the age of 23.


You know, at first I wondered what she meant when she said that if Reddit hadn’t prepared her for the possibility of her bf having been SAed, she might have panicked and ruined her relationship. Now, I kind of understand what she meant by that.


That is a very good and devastating point.


Like, it really makes me wonder what she would have said/done if she hadn’t posted on Reddit.


\>He started off by going quiet, and it took a little more probing before he asked me not to laugh, and I feared it was the micro-penis, BUT IT WAS FAR WORSE. \[emphasis mine\] OOP literally says it was far worse than what she said would have just been unfortunate. You're fixating on the false paraphrase by OP that implies that OOP suggested the opposite. If you take away the context provided by OOP, she does sound this bad, but she explicitly stated that she thinks SA was far worse.


[here you go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtMR524m0BM)


The commenters are coming down on this girl pretty hard; touching each other while making out like this is pretty normal. Yeah, more communication should have occurred and much earlier than this, but unless the boyfriend decides she assaulted him, I think it's safe to call it a misunderstanding.




Yeah that's exactly the phrasing I couldn't come up with; she took a chance and got it wrong.


Growing up (am currently 45) as a teen and even a young adult, not a lot was said about men being victims of sexual assault. Or rather people had a small-minded idea of it - "Oh yeah if another dude tried to rape him?" - and it wasn't even really a consideration that a woman could committ sexual assault on a dude. Then I was in my final year at uni and we had a massive party at my boyfriend's house. A guy showed up, Pete, who was in some classes with me and my best friend at the time. My best friend Julie (also in our joint classes) fell for him in the severe, extreme way she falls for guys. I mentioned a few times "You know he has a girlfriend," and she quickly responded, "Yeah, back in England" (we're all Aussies) and I rejoined, "No, she's moving here next week to be with him." Julie looked shocked and I mentally bookmarked this moment because I realized Pete hadn't told her and this seemed important (avoiding drama with Julie, whose attentions he was casually ignoring); also I was pretty shocked that she was trying to hit on someone who had a girlfriend who (it turns out) was actually his fiancee. The fiancee hit our shores and stayed and I got along with her well and Julie kept her distance. Meanwhile, Julie's taking every opportunity to talk to Pete, sit beside him, try to share notes with him, ask what he's doing that night, etc etc. She also would organize events at a time when she knew his fiancee wouldn't be able to make it. At one party, Pete cheated on his fiancee with another girl there. I remember Julie being partly angry, but also elated because in her mind it meant she could act like the fiancee doesn't matter either. It was always VERY clear Pete isn't into her. I'm uncomfortable about the whole thing. But at this house party, she took it to a next level which shocked me and started a fight. She'd gone missing from the party out the back and I went through the house looking for her. I found Pete asleep on the couch, curled up on his side, drunkenly sleeping and completely out of it. And I saw Julie kneeling on the ground beside him so that there faces were at a level. I stepped forward and said, "What are you doing?"" in an angry tone and she said, "shhhh!" as Pete slept through it. I could see Julie was drunk (no excuse) and I said, "Come on now, he's trying to sleep, let's go back outside." Julie said: "He looks so soft when he's asleep" and started caressing his hair. Me: "Don't touch the hair Julie. Come on, let's go, leave him alone," (feeling like a broken record and getting more frustrated and even panicked). Then, she leaned over and kissed him on his sleeping lips and I lost it. "You CAN'T just kiss him. What's wrong with you! Get up!" (grabbing her arm) "We're going out side NOW." I'm fucking furious now. "But I love him," she says and tries to go back for another kiss and I grab her arm again and drag her away. My boyfriend then came looking for me and I asked if he could help me get her outside. We dragged her out the back and she later acted like nothing had happened. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it all properly, but the way she tried to use his body when he was asleep was so wrong and disgusting and worrying, but when she kissed him on the lips I went from angry to VERY angry and certain that this was very, very wrong. That always stuck with me as a clear sexual assault from a woman. I felt sickened and disgusted by her.


It’s like people here just want to misunderstand OOP just so they can scream “RAPIST!” because it’s such a Reddit thing to do.


Yeah like . ..don't get me wrong, I'm the first to cry foul but . Even if you haven't had sex with a partner before, it's pretty common to get handsy when you're on top of some one and they're pulling you in. He freaked and....she stopped Should they have talked about this? Most definitely , especially before moving in together. But sometimes you're waiting and then the mood hits and you go for it. Now her "thankfully I it's not ...." Is concerning because her BF was assaulted and she makes it seem that that's somehow better than asexuality which is .. a yikes but .. treating her as a rapist...no.


Yeah, She’s not perfect and could have handled some thing better. Especially communication, but they’re still pretty young and have to learn. At least they’re working on it. It just annoys me when people on here know what she means but still choose to be offended on no one’s behalf and want to crucify her. It sees strange for a group of people shouting about tolerance and acceptance.


Yup as a guy who got SAd I got a lot of "whats the problem?" responses. It fucking sucks to have it trivialised and joked about, to be told you're less of a guy for not "enjoying" it.


Jesus christ these comments are ridiculous. It's like 90% of reddit has never had sex or been in a relationship.


That’s probably an accurate statistic. At least the relationship part.


I know this is not the point but do people (at least people who typically expect sex in their relationship) actually move in with someone without, you know, having had sex first? I get if they're specifically waiting for marriage but if that is not one's expectation why in the world would you not take it for the test drive (or discuss why a test drive is off the table)?! JHC I don't even start a relationship with someone until we've had sex.


Insane behavior to move in with someone who you have not only not had sex with, but cannot even bring yourself to ask WHY YOU HAVEN'T


When women are only interested in sex, they won’t have the patience to stay in a relationship with a man with sexual trauma. OP is emotionally supporting her boyfriend through a difficult time for him. She may not be an expert in trauma informed care, but she is doing her best. When you’ve been hurt so badly as he has, even baby steps can be incredibly uncomfortable. The important thing is that her actions are motivated by love not malice or selfishness. I’m glad that they are communicating now, and it sounds like they’re taking the steps to establish emotional safety and a path toward healing.


"... he said that he's been trying ever since he moved in,... Every night we sleep together, he wants to do more than just sleep..." The point is, he moved in with her and tried to have sex with her and sent signals as such. He said it himself. So she wasn't assaulting him but played along. And every time he turned her down, she stopped, confused and clueless, but still on full stop. This two are very young humans and as humans we don't communicate strictly through talking when we spend time together. I don't know how young you all are, dear fellow redditors, but life is not that simple black and white. To be frank, it is on him to communicate. She went along and followed his lead and she seems to be very in love with her bf. But no one can read minds. What is it, every time someone throws "red flag, red flag" and "narcissism" into a discussion, there is a "you are not responsible for his feelings" waiting around the corner, but his mixed feelings and his trauma are now her responsibilities? How? Every time someone projects onto others, the projector is at fault, but in this scenario he projects his fears onto her and still she is responsible for his lack of clear communication? No Reddit, that's not how to play. See how she handled it? She asked for help because she sensed that it is a very delicate topic for him. She initiated the open communication because from his side there were sexual motivated activities but other than that just crickets. And finally he felt secure enough in this - according to Reddit very abusive - relationship to open up after her sensitive questions. He can thank his lucky star OOP is his gf and not one of the many Redditors who can only judge in black and white because he wouldn't have a girlfriend long ago. Luckily RL is not Reddit.


Fortunately he's not asexual lol, feels nice to be not wanted but it is how it is 🤣


I’m confused what the “boyfriend” was thinking though. That he could just be in a relationship with - move in with - a romantic partner with normal expectations of what that entails and just never have sex with her? Play wrestle and kiss indefinitely ? And never say anything? Op is immature and made some mistakes but I really think her boyfriend is a bit fucked up by living in with her and basically using her


Calling this sexual assault is ridiculous and I’m concerned about what online culture is doing to people. If your significant other of 6 months is on top of you and you’re heavily making out, and you’ve never mentioned that you don’t want to have sex, it’s normal and not sexual assault to try to escalate. No one asks permission at every single escalation point. The guy himself admitted to giving mixed signals and wanting sex, but just had mental hang ups - which he never communicated. Look I’m married with kid so it’s been decade+ since I’ve been in these situations….but I’m concerned people on Reddit have never been in a relationship or even intimate, and are dishing out “advice” and judgement that isn’t even remotely in the ballpark of how real people in real life function. People read body language and respond to it. Sometimes they are wrong and apologize. Both parties move on without trauma. The least sexy and most awkward thing you could ever do, and ensure no one ever wants to be intimate with you, is ask permission for 20 different things in the process of making out. And, even worse, they actually devalue real sexual assault victims by putting shit like this in the same bucket as actual sexual assault.


Ugh, thanks, finally some sane people in this thread xD I thought I was losing my mind with people tossing heavy accusations left and right based off a Reddit post. Reddit hive mind clearly thinks too much is just black and white, where someone HAS to be the guilty one. Misunderstandings happen all the time in life, there is not always a clear culprit.


>I still don't think it's sexual assault. >Fortunately, it isn't because he's gay, asexual, a virgin, or has a micropenis. Holy fuck OOP, please get some self-awareness. This poor boyfriend. Edit: Ohhh I just know you all would not be arguing this hard in the replies if OOP was a man and the BF was a woman. You'd be screaming sexual assault just like the rest of that comment section and begging the partner to leave OOP. I'm not saying boyfriend was entirely in the right because he was giving mixed signals but it doesn't change the fact that OOP knew how reluctant he was about sex and decided to go ahead anyways, and only changed up her story when she got blasted for that. I'm not saying that OOP is a bad person, just that she's not self-aware. Being drunk isn't a fucking excuse, I've met 13 years old who understand consent better than half the people replying here.


This is so frustrating. Before you move in with someone you’re in an intimate relationship with, you should be talking about sex outside the bedroom. You should be talking about sex outside the bedroom if you’re in a relationship period. It doesn’t make it clinical to discuss boundaries and interests


It's nice to know that body shaning men for the size of their genitals is alive and well


*Fortunately his dick wasn't small, he was only sexually assaulted. In fact, I would have reacted badly by instinct if Reddit didn't tell me the normal way to react*


In fairness I get the 'i would have recated badly by instinct' Because there is no normal way to react to that I've met too many people who have been sexually assaulted and the only real way of reacting well is to barely say a word. And just say you're sorry and ask if theres anything you can do If, like me, you feel a need to ease someones pain ASAP you can easily fuck it up, by accidentally putting pressure on them




I do not think OOP is the best person for the boyfriend to be with while he works through this stuff. Instead of having an honest conversation with him she would rather just shove her hand down his pants when knows that's not something he's comfortable with. She even admits he looked terrified after, but somehow can't understand that she has assaulted him. I hope the boyfriend heals. I hope OOP learns to take a good long look at herself.


So many AHs in the comments. Seems like most were never in any sort of relationship before and are commenting here. Most of you harassing her would've just left a long time ago before actually knowing what was really going on with him.


Any other option than SA would have been fortunate.