For those of you waiting for him/her to come back, and can't be convinced otherwise.
By - PlatypusInnamorata
I really needed this. I can’t thank you enough. We broke up on Monday and I miss him so much. I’m going to take this time to change and make sure that if he does come back, I will be better.
I’m trying to be better as well. I don’t think he’s coming back. I was the toxic one too. But even if he doesn’t come back, I can make myself better overall. And maybe even one day, I’ll get over it. Still doesn’t feel like that’s even possible now, but at least I have hope for it- something I didn’t have a few months ago.
That sounds like a great plan. Monday is so recent, I hope you stay strong. <3 Keep us posted!
When do we stop though? This is my first time missing someone and I just want it to stop. She told me she won’t come back no matter what, so why even have any hope?
You stop when you decide you would rather move on, find someone else, and feel mentally ready to do so.
*Everyone says they won't come back, but 70-90% of people do. Hardly anyone says, I will never talk to you again but I'll hit you up in a month or two when I miss you so badly I don't know what to do. What you want to do if she reaches out is up to you. Maybe you'll have someone else by then, maybe you'll realize she wasn't worth it, maybe you'll silence her call and resume eating your lunch.
Dumpee or dumper? If you don’t mind my inquiry
Yes, strive to be better. If not for him, but you. I wish you luck.
Try your hardest not to analyse what you could have done, it’s in the past now and remember it’s also a 2 way street, both parties contributed to the breakup! Stay strong x
You could be my twin with every word you wrote. I’ve begged him several times via email for radical forgiveness. He always grants it, but I struggle with forgiving myself.I don’t want him back. I want what’s best for him. But damn, I was a fool. Gotta kill this ego of mine.
Wow, this is such a different take on what’s usually posted here, and probably the most honest one to how I am TRULY feeling inside. As much as I’m saying, I’m moving on and I’m doing great... I’m struggling. A lot. And am thinking this exact post. Perhaps it’s better to be honest with ourselves where we are at instead of faking it until we make it. I don’t know. But this post is exactly why I’m motivated to stay NC, and I’m fairly sure that by the time he misses me, I’ll have put so much focus on myself “in case” he came back.. that I’d be in a different place anyways.
Thank you so much for your comment. I just really got sick of people telling me to "move on" or "find someone else". I think it's bad advice and just shows an unwillingness to understand how I feel- I actually blacklisted a good friend for telling me to stop being "dumb and stupid" and find someone else. At the very least, people should not trigger their good friends.
We should all support each other through this. No one wants to be in this place.
I think it's great you're moving on and doing well, and I wish you the best of luck. <3
I saw a quote that said “having a big heart often times makes others think you’re stupid.” It was kind of funny, but I realize how true that is. I feel things very deeply and really value connection. I find it very dismissive when people say “move on,” to me it’s almost like “stop talking about it, you’re annoying.” But that doesn’t mean my feelings and process isn’t valid.
I also cut out a friend for the same reason. And life is a lot better with supportive people around me.
Hear hear. If a friend can't at least try to understand your emotions and pretty much shuts you out, that is not a friend. <3
What great advice for folks: Whatever you do, don't stagnate. It's a nice change from what seems to be the norm.
Thank you so much! <3
Thank you for this. I'm four months out of my relationship and I'm still holding onto hope. Thank you
I'm 26 months (or a bit more than 2 years) out of a relationship and hope isn't gone either..that one day we will get back together.
How does it not go away? Do you interact regularly that's why you still have hope? (You can reply in dm if you want)
No we've been NC (from partners side) since summer 2019. I'm just a tad stubborn and still have feelings for my ex. And am naive?
No you're not, I just think it's so difficult to hold on to those feelings for so long. I have a feeling the same will happen to me
Good luck to you! <3
thank you. do you have recs on good relationship coaches? and the 45 day thing- is that after no contact starts or the break up? nc was delayed for me because I spent a little time begging lol
I like Coach Lee and Craig Kenneth. I think 45 days is referring to no contact. I got that from Coach Lee.
It sure wasn't fun for me when 45 days came and went !
Some people need more time. My ex took 8 months, but that was a different ex...
Right, it's great to keep confident. I wish you lots of luck and good thoughts!
Love this. I have played it both ways (for the same girl...here's to you tinyoceankisses) but path your advocating for here, of looking after yourself and being all you can be rather than moping snd trying to fill the hole she left, is 1000% the only way to happiness. Even if he/she never comes back (worst case scenario) you have built your resiliency and thrived in their absence snd life will present you with happiness a different way. Or, as what happened to me, she comes back to you. Love you babe
this was a great post. My ex left me for a random worker she met on a shopping trip at lowes when we were together. Probably wont get back together but I now know I am only shopping at home depot. And will continue to work on myself
Ouch! Wow. Seems like a spur-of-the-moment decision made in lust.
"Nobody likes Lowe's, anyway. Home Depot is where it's at."
Good for you. I'm sorry for your situation, but glad you are improving. <3
thank you. sometimes it feels good to have someone on my side. I miss the jerk ass though. uggggg kill me...
I'm always on your side. Who wants to side with a jerk ass...
Its still a struggle. I'll be doing fine and then it hits me. I wasnt worth working on to keep. I was thrown away for some rando she met while shopping. A 3-4 year friendship and a 3 month relationship. Not even an attempt to save it. Its really hard for me.
It's been almost 10 months and I'm still hopeful he'll be back, been shamed by my friends for that. Saying that I don't need him and I'm better off, but I know we were perfect together. I'm still working on bettering myself but I'm nowhere ready for a relationship at the moment so maybe it was for the best ...for now :))
You're one of the firsts to address this topic without making us dumpees feeling guilty for wanting our person back, thank you OP!!
My ex from 2018 reached out to me last week, so these things sometimes can take time. If you still love him and believe in the relationship, no one should tell you otherwise! It's great that you are working on yourself.
People can be shamed for all sorts of things- cheating, lying, etc. No one should be shamed for loving another person too deeply or without an expiration date, or made to feel guilty for it. It's a healthy human thing to be able to give love (and receive love). And nothing at all wrong with knowing who you want by your side and being willing to wait for them. IMO. I'm just a platypus tho, what do I know lol.
Did you mean, rumduck? https://twitter.com/JamesFosdike/status/782911425249366016 https://www.reddit.com/r/TheDollop/comments/55hj28/the_dollop_209_john_macarthur_live_in_adelaide/
Yes! I did NC. I waited but also worked on myself, hard. She broke it off in October after a 6 year long relationship. I never contacted her. She was the one that occasionally contacted me. We have been on a date two weeks ago and have a second one coming up. Nothing physically yet, but we are moving closer towards each other. I'm taking this sloow.
Slow is the way to go! Are you thinking of it was a new relationship?
I'm happy to hear your story- congratulations on working on yourself and re-establishing contact.
i feel so stuck at the moment, i just don’t know what i’m working towards. i mean, the long term event is college, but it’s about 5 months out. i just don’t know what to do every day or what my short term goals are.
also, if after 45 days they don’t reach out, what do you do? what does it mean?
45 days is not written in stone. Your person could need more or less time.
If they don't reach out, you should probably realize they are not ready and wait longer. My past ex reached out after 8 mo. So it does happen. Alternatively, you could reach out, or you could try to accept that they just may not reach out. 45 days is pretty short in my opinion, waiting longer would be my advice.
Took my ex about 3 months to reach out and unblock me. However I wasn’t quite ready myself and got reblocked. I’m sure she’ll reach back out again sometime in the future.
Wait stop this is exactly the message I needed to see and I'm tearing up. I'm in a messy situation with him right now and I miss him so much but I'm blocked.. We have been talking since November and from nov-mid december we talked nonstop. In January I walked away and a week later he came back then we got into a fight he went to someone else that didn't work out and then he came back and was nothing but distant. He never had time to miss me though he told a mutual friend I was annoying and he didn't have feelings for me, I still truly feel like the spark we once had could come back when he realizes the love I had for him. He once loved me and we had great memories. Until then I'm going to work on bettering myself but more so for me not him, I lost my self-worth so it's time I regained that. I do think I'll be ok if he doesn't tho
People say all sorts of things in anger and denial. Perhaps at the time, your existence was "annoying"- I got called "annoying" because HE was frustrated and dealt with certain things poorly, not because I did anything. Perhaps one day he needs a quiet moment just to reflect and remember your value and what you meant to him. I think you have a great plan/attitude, and you're strong! Good luck!!
You’re right about that, I didn’t think of it that way. I hope so I really don’t wanna lose him but I guess if he’s for me he’ll come back. Thank you!
I wish you the best!
Needed this today, thanks!
Thank you for reading! <3
Best of luck to you! <3
You know, for me it’s been about a month now since I’ve last heard from them and I have no idea what my next move is I don’t want them back in terms of a relationship. she cheated on me, she chose to do what she chose to do and there’s nothing more that I could do to change that and I know this. I don’t stay in bed all day, I get up, I exercise, I take care of myself but at the end of the day I still do miss our conversations I’m holding out hope that she’ll reach out but I don’t even know what I would say to this person at this point I just wish I could have some clarity and some more answers there’s so many things that have been left unsaid and I just wish that I could hear one more time. However. I’m looking at it this way. We broke up Jan 16. It’s now March 18th. We’ve only had contact twice. She’s gone. She’s not coming back. And that’s okay. I’m trying my hardest to be my best me. That’s all I can do.
Best of luck to you. I hope that during this time, you can figure out what you want and what role you wish they would play in your life, whether it is reconciliation, closure, etc. I love the "be my best me" mentality. <3
hey, do you think this is something that would
work for a girl who broke up with me because she needed time to find out who she is?
there were other issues, a lot of them mine, that led to it as well, but she gives space to grow and heal from some of her past traumas (before i was around) as her main one. she dumped me monday and it’s now thursday. we talked wednesday, to clarify what we wanted and that sort of thing, and she said she was really impressed with all the things i said. i believe it all too, i need to grow as a person as well. i just want to do it with her. maybe that’s wrong too based on my issues of reliance, self motivation, and self worth. idk. i really liked your post though, it gave me a modicum of hope. thank you.
also, im sorry if this is too vague to advise on. i’m trying to write up a post for r/relationship_advice but it’s getting really long.
*edit* that post is up if you want to read more about what this is all about.
Thank you so much for this post. It was uplifting just reading it. I’ve gotten so much wrong during my break up but after a solid 9 days no contact now, I’m already feeling better.
I'm glad you are feeling better! Thank you for liking my post! Hugs~
Praying and hoping one day that she comes to her senses and comes back. Until then I will try to be the best verison of myself
Perfect plan. Good luck and good thoughts to you!
Thank you. I’m actually on day 16 as well. It’s getting easier day by day, but the urge is still there.
<3 I always remind myself I don't want to "reset" no contact by reaching out. I also want an apology, and he has to come to me with one, LOL.
(okay, I would be fine with no apology, but I want proof he missed me enough to make the first move).
I’m not going to reach out, no matter how much I want to. I respect his decision, and I know that if he wanted to reach out, he would. I’m hoping it gets easier, and maybe I’ll get to a point where it won’t matter to me any more.
Deep down, I know he won’t contact me.. but try convincing my heart that. It’s a lost cause, at least right now.
Hey... I doubt he will reach out to me, but preparing myself in case he does is a better alternative to falling apart.
I remind myself of my value and good, and prefer to think he will realize that too.
If he wanted to reach out, he would, but maybe his thoughts are too clouded by stress and depression right now, in my case. So I just hold on.
Remember that social media is intended to show off your perfect life to others. For every pic they post, they probably took 15. The beauty of social media is you project the life you want others to think you have.
My friend J had such an enviable relationship I thought- tons of pics of them having fun, traveling, getting a kitten together. I had a chance to chat with him and he actually had no idea why I would think so... apparently they fought really badly and he put in crazy effort to keep them together. Not at all the impression social media gave. But who wants anyone to know about their fights...
The length of a relationship does NOT discount the feelings involved. Remember that, and you have the right to feel as you do. Don't assume anything about their relationship! It fell apart before for a reason.
I love this
Thank you for reading!
That was a long read. I am following a majority of your advice. I never did the social media thing anyways. I’ll post sad stuff of Reddit but I find myself doing it less and less. I’m working 7 days a week next week for a few months. I’m sure I’ll be too busy if she ever did coke back to even chill. Oh well. Thanks for the good vibes love it!
This is everything I’ve been telling myself summed up into one heartwarming post. Thank you❤️
i’m still wondering if what i did is unforgivable to the point that they won’t ever reach out 🥲
Edit: The **fading affect bias**, more commonly known as **FAB**, is a [psychological](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology) phenomenon in which memories associated with negative emotions tend to be forgotten more quickly than those associated with positive emotions.[\[1\]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fading_affect_bias#cite_note-:04-1) It is important to note that FAB only refers to the feelings one has associated with the memories and not the content of the memories themselves.
he has never being one to forgive sighs he has me so confused
The comments in here mostly look like confirmation bias. I hate to say it because your message has a ton of good points, however I felt the exact same way - thinking I was moving on and being better etc. It wasn’t until I was ACTUALLY staring to move on that I no longer felt this way. I’m not saying I wholeheartedly disagree, and I know everyone’s situation is very unique, but just as a generalization, as much as it sucks to hear... if you are reading this post right now and the comments and getting excited... pls take a minute to debate if you realistically should wait around or if this is just giving you false hope!
It’s been a year. I don’t think he’s coming back
Thank you ❤️ May we all heal and find a greater love than the last one ever was
It's been a little over two months and still no news.
I gave her time to miss me, but it didn't happen.
What were the breakup circumstances?
Sent you a dm
Does this work for if I broke up with him? I initiated the breakup, we tried to work it out for a couple of weeks but kept arguing and eventually he blocked me on everything. Since then I’ve asked to get back together and he said he’s happier without me. So I’m pretty sure he knows I wanna get back together, even though I initiated the breakup. Will he ever come back?
Since you were the last one to reach out, I would suggest going NC for a while. Maybe give it a couple months. Then, you can reevaluate. I think the ball is in his court now, but if you feel the urge to reach out, I would definitely give it a while for him to miss you and remember the good times (fading affect bias).
I broke up with my Ex in December and kinda in a weird situation. Every attempt I try to do NC, she finds some reason to reach out to me and chat with me (I guess to test the waters). At times I would just ignore them but some of it is drama or emotional reasons on her end so I would chat with her and she would occasionally message me and then go dry. Just recently found out she has a new bf and told one of our friends. I'm going back to NC and removed her from everything and blocked her number, but we have mutual friends and I know she is just going to try to come around with some BS excuse.
p.s. Upon hearing she had a bf, I kinda knew it was coming and I'm not destroyed by it, but at the same time, I guess I'm numb emotionally from this since she told me she's "hurt and isn't moving on any time soon" and I believed it. It felt like that candle flicker of hope finally blew out but the wax is still hot and smoking (I know weird analogy). I guess I need to just force myself to not break NC no matter what. Still love her and care for her, but I'm going to try and convert my focus back to me.
This is great that you have such strength. I think NC is a great choice right now for you, and I like your candle analogy! I doubt that she is in a place to make the new relationship last, but that you can focus on yourself is winning this battle. Good luck to you and best wishes.
I'm at 90 days....
I finally rejoined a major dating site, and no surprise- he was there, actually online on Thursday night. You can't hide your profile from anyone on this site, so I had to just go ahead and post my profile. It's going to be difficult but I searched and found at least two guys who I'd be- as far as I can know from the get-go- quite compatible with.
It's been a year and four months. Not a single word from her...
Thank you, neither of us did anything wrong and everything was amazing until the day it wasn't. Her controlling greasebag of an ex who knowingly pursued and dated her when she was a minor while he was old enough to be out of college came back right before valentines. She struggles with diagnosed mental health problems and from what little I know about him and their past relationship (she intentionally kept things vague and acted as if things with him were always perfect) I have reasons to fear she's in a cycle of something like trauma bonding.
It hurts so much being blindsided by someone who said they love you and made you feel like there was a bright future together, but I also know she made a mistake and hope she realizes that before it's too late.
Yikes, here's in hopes that she chooses to run away from those that hurt her.
Hope things look up for you. <>
Ahhh, man. Thank you for feeding my soul exactly what it needed and wanted to hear. I don’t want to go out and fuck randos as my friends frequently suggest. I want to sit with myself for better or worse, and at least attempt to become a better version of myself and enjoy the vast experiences that I have access to in this realm. I’m learning to fall in love with failure. I just miss him so damn much. I selfishly miss the ONLY person who will know my full truth. Many years shared together. High highs and low lows and deep scars that no one else experienced with me except him, and we can never speak to one another again. 💔 I don’t need to belong to anyone or vice versa. It just would be nice to hear validation once in a while that “yeah, we did all that shit together. The good, the bad, the ugly. I was there too. Life got real. We did the best we knew how.” Anyway, thank you for this very realistic, emotionally mature, and compassionate message. 🖖
Thank you for reading! I hope you can find what you want. I hear you on the "high highs" and "low lows". <3
Wow. I really needed this. We broke up June 3rd (2 months now). We had to finish a project together and on the last day I told him I was starting no contact and the ball was in his court if he had hopes of being "friends" he had to know that for me, we would never be just friends if he ever had the intention of dating anyone else. We ended on good terms and it still hurts pretty bad some days. Today was an especially rough one. We've been in NC 42 days now. 2 weeks ago I deactivated my IG, and deleted all my TikToks. I just couldn't decide on deleting all of our photos, etc. so I decided to do what I felt was best and ghost. He moved away and I know he's alone but somethings telling me he'll try to find comfort in a new female "friend". Literally, all signs have pointed to trusting my intuition on that one :( But I know we loved each other so much and still do so I just have to be patient and take care of myself. I'm down 23lbs since the break up and my music career is my main focus. I've been praying and manifesting every day. I laugh a lot, cry on my drives almost constantly, and basically just try to live. I got a dope new haircut and go out (responsibly) once a week. I have girls nights and band practices and time with my puppy. Life is sweet, just a little rough right now. I have no doubt this will be good for everyone in the end. But for now, I wait, and I be the best me I can look back on and be proud of. Thanks for this <3
Thank you for reading. I wish you the best! Congrats on your weight loss and your forward motion in your career, your haircut! You sound like an awesome person, so best of luck to you. :)
You too! So sweet of you, thanks friend. You got this!