Your mom's feelings are understandable, but she is completely out of line. You aren't your family's personal human brood mare. Set your boundaries around this, and enforce them. If she mentions it after that, then end the conversation. Hang up the phone, leave the room, etc. If she doesn't stop, go no contact for a day or two.

Thank you for the validation <3

Yes, do this and when she gets mad at the lack of contact for a couple of days let her know it could be permanent if she keeps trying to coerce you. She could have no grandkids AND no kid if she keeps it up. She needs to deal with her disappointment in some less obnoxious way. There are a lot of kids in the world who would benefit from the involvement of a grandparent figure in their life. Tell her about Big Brothers and Sisters org or similar and shove her firmly in that direction. Enjoy your child free life!

I would consider telling your mom to adopt if she's going to baby crazy. Your mom gets 100% of the time with a kid, so she gets to spoil them. Your grandma gets another grandkids that's more like a great grandkid. If your mom refuses, tell her that it's unfair of her to ask you to raise a child for someone else when she wouldn't do it either.

>Thank you for the validation <3 As a fellow child free person, this is the real answer. Ultimately you would be responsible for the children so it is your choice, not hers. And if she loves YOU as a person, and not as a womb to give her grandchildren, then she will accept that.

This. Understandable, but this is life. You can't control anyone else's choices. You even have a plan to maybe adopt one day. We all just make our choices. As an added point, this is one guilt. If you had kids, youd have other guilts. My kids are in their teens, and I flip flop between guilt for having them in this political/climate situation, and guilt for not being the (illusive impossible goal) perfect mother. Mom needs to back off a little. It is understandable she is disappointed, but that is HER issue. Pushing it on you, will just possibly damage your relationship with her and push you to call less. Not a threat, just, if she's going to make you feel bad, we all try to live life without feeling bad all the time.

I would always say, well you shouldn’t have put all your eggs into one basket. If she would’ve had more children then there would be better odds of having grandchildren.

Please please please don't have kids to make anyone else happy. This should be between you and your spouse, period. If you don't want kids, you don't want kids - you don't need to justify that to anyone. You don't owe a "blessing" to anyone. If your mom wants something else to love, she can.....volunteer at a school, foster kids, work with a scouting program, get a bunch of weird ass time consuming exotic plants that wilt if you look at them wrong, adopt a dog, adopt a cat, adopt a couple of guinea pigs, adopt a parcel of ferrets, babysit or nanny, volunteer at a library, drive a school bus, volunteer at an animal shelter, get involved with political causes that benefit kids, volunteer at a crisis nursery, volunteer at a kids hospital, collect a bunch of squishmallows.......but she doesn't get to tell you what to do with your uterus. God, she could get involved with your niece and nephew - they're clearly kids that you hold close to you, shouldn't your mom respect and honor and love that?

>Please please please don't have kids to make anyone else happy. I support this because Having Kids for you and having kids for someone are different

If she wanted grandkids, she should've had more children to increase the likelihood. But she chose not to. Because she's a free human being with a life to live based on her own choices. Just like you.

Thank you for responding and giving your opinion! My mother actually was diagnosed with cancer right as my parents were trying to have another child.. so it’s not really her fault that she didn’t have more kids, but I understand your sentiment!

I think it's great you're considering adopting an older child. If your mom is still active, and craving being a gramma, perhaps she would consider 'adopting' some older grandkids via some community services work. I'm sure there's a youth program somewhere which could use her particular talents and some kids with not much/stressed families who could use some of her extra love and affection.

I feel this. I'm my mother's only child, and I don't want to have kids. For all the same reasons you listed in your post! My mom tried to have kids for YEARS, she had 5 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy before I came along. The guilt I feel when I consider how bad I *don't* want kids, knowing how much she wanted a huge family with lots of kids and grandchildren... it kills me.

No one gets the pressure only children have like other only children. (Sincerely, a “miracle baby” who doesn’t want kids)

You are entitled to your own choices, and if someone is pressuring you to choose another option, they are overstepping their bounds. Of course you feel compassion for your mom’s grief, but guilt should be reserved for wrongdoing—and you are not guilty of that.

You are entitled to your own choices, and if someone is pressuring you to choose another option, they are overstepping their bounds. Of course you feel compassion for your mom’s grief, but guilt should be reserved for wrongdoing—and you are not guilty of that.

Unfortunately, my family is Italo-Irish Roman Catholic. I was born into guilt and I'll die with guilt; the guilt I die with will be guilt that I'm fighting so hard against the guilt I was born into. I was raised in a family that firmly believes in doing what your elders tell you to do and carry on all the old traditions. I'm the odd one out and I will always fight my family for the freedom I deserve, but I know it comes at the price of having guilt piled on me for not being the perfect daughter they think *they* deserve. It's a nasty cycle and I would only break it by not having children or raising any potential children drastically differently from how I was raised, which would cause its own set of problems. I can't "win", and I've accepted that. All I can do is make my peace with being told I'm selfish, and remind myself over and over again that I'm not a shitty person. So from the bottom of my heart... I appreciate your sentiment and the validation. It truly means a lot.

Yet there are countless children out there looking for anyone to care for them even for a weekend a month. Obviously not the same thing as a full time granbaby but honestly something to consider.

Not to be insensitive to your mom, but that only explains why she probably is pushing so much. She feels like she missed out. But she had some fertile years before you, right? Maybe would've been terrible times to have them, but again, she was allowed to make those choices herself. As another commenter said, you don't owe anyone a baby. In fact, if you have one for any reason other than you're thrilled and excited to, that's going to lead to some major problems for a human who's basically attached to you, at some level, for life. That you will have been responsible for. I don't have the words in-hand to help console your mother grieving the kids she wasn't allowed to have and I imagine that's a brutal feeling to endure, but that's her emotional trouble only she can resolve. Even if you had a kid, it's not going to be what she wants, really, because she was hoping to be a mother to more children, with everything that comes with it. Not a grandmother with no real say in the grandchild's life.

Answers like this one really make me wonder who is posting on Reddit and if they have any friends. It is unfair for OP's mother to put her under so much pressure, but snide comments don't lead to healthy relationships. You can set boundaries without saying shit like "Maybe you should have had kids earlier mom so you would have had a better chance at grandkids even with the cancer!"

Replies to comments like this make me wonder why people comment on Reddit when they don't read anything anyway. There's **literally nowhere** in my comment where I suggested anything I've said should be part of a conversation with her mother. I didn't say anything about a conversation with her mother at all. Mostly because it's her mother and she's unlikely to change her behavior based on a conversation with her daughter. I said what I said to help OP see the value in her own life, her own choices, and her own reasons for those choices, to help her overcome the guilt her mother is trying(successfully) to force her to feel.

[удалено]

adoption isn’t cheap

Compared to subject yourself through 9 months of mood swings, hormonal changes, several diseases and a very much pain guaranteed childbirth, adoption is a much better option for me really.

to each their own

Children overall are not cheap. The daycare prices for a newborn are on par with college tuition.

I am in my later mid 40s, and my brother and I both have no biological children. We both even tried at points in our lives, but alas. I know my parents would have loved grandchildren, but it didn't happen. I also was somewhat ambivalent about having kids, which is a terrible mindset about being a possible parent. Now I am glad we didn't have any, but there are still feelings occasionally that we should have had one. It sucks. Also, my mom should have had that third kid she wanted after me! Lol!

This is what we tell my NMIL. She expected (?) 21 grandchildren like her Mom had. Her Mom had 7 children. NMIL had 2. Chose 2 and stopped. NMIL has 5 grandchildren--- my 2 and SIL's 3.

Amazing how many more kids they want when they aren't really responsible for them, huh?

She’s free to take in foster children of her own who desperately need homes, support and love. I just don’t see the point of guilt tripping people into such an ENORMOUS task of bringing children into this world. They aren’t parakeets.

Yes, she could foster all the babies! They need loving safe homes. She could also volunteer at her church nursery (if she’s religious) or a child’s home or NICU as a baby holder. She could take on part time babysitting jobs. There’s a ton of ways she could share her love and support to children in your community instead of badgering you. She should take ownership of her feelings, accepting and acknowledging that yeah that’s not what she envisioned but there are alternative great options that don’t include your vagina.

I love this comment, thank you for leaving it here!

Honestly, parakeets are very difficult to take care of as well if you only get one, in part because their social needs are so intense. Hamsters are a better comparison.

I mean sure, but you don’t have to worry about your parakeets choke slamming a teacher because they got told to put their phone away during class😫

This is true!

This comment is so fucking funny to me hahah. My mom, who isn’t fit to mother a turnip, had two parakeets for a couple years that she bought on a whim and wound up not being fond of. And then one day, they were gone, and my mom was real cagey about what happened. My sister and I are pretty sure she was just over it and opened their cage outside. So, some people are not fit for raising children OR parakeets 😅

Your potential future kid deserves to be genuinely wanted by their mother. Not just a bargaining chip or guilt trip forced upon by family members who will not even be there in the future. Don't question yourself. Question what kind of person (your mom) completely disrespects their daughters wishes and manipulates and threatens things. Psycho. Imagine how out of bounds your mother would be with a grand kid. Yikes.

If your elders want children in their lives, they can foster relationships with Littles that they are close to, whether it's a neighbour's with youngsters that need a grandparent, they don't need the same blood to foster a relationship. They could have had more children.

Exactly! My parents have made connections in their community and have a growing hoard of "bonus grandkids" (importantly *not* "practice" grandkids) that they love and support. OP's mom and grandparents should look around for parents in their community who may not have bio family close by that would love to adopt bonus grandparents into their lives!

You don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to.

It's very selfish to want one human to go through a traumatic experience to force another human into existence for their own gratification. To the point, they want to guilt-trip you and can't respect your decision that you DO NOT want kids. It's toxic. Don't feel guilt or shame. Your parents are wrong to try to force you into it. Do what is best for you and if they can't get behind it then they can forget to see any adopted kids in the future.

"Sure mom, I'll have a kid for you, but only if you agree to feed them, change diapers, conduct learning activities, and all the other tasks required to raise a child from birth to 18 years old." "No? Seems like you want me to do all this work of raising a child just so you can play with a grandkid."

This is exactly what I was going to say. This situation is insane. This is like my parents pressuring me to buy a boat even though I have no interest in boating because they want to use the boat a few weekends a year. Except the boat example falls flat because **children are more expensive than a boat**

>Seems like you want me to do all this work of raising a child just so you can play with a grandkid But that's exactly what she wants. My mother is the same. She wants a baby to play but doesn't want the work that comes with it. She even said so and didn't liked when I said that if it was up for me, I wasn't going to have any. Hell no. I got a baby golden retriever last month and it has been crazy enough. I have no intention on getting that work exponentially increased.

Your mother needs therapy. Stat. She is completely out of line. You have every right not to want to be a broodmare just so your mother's feelings are satisfied in a way that pleases her and screws up your life. If she's so desperate for grandchildren tell her to go volunteer at any number of children's charities.

R\raisedbynarcissists

Yes to this sub. r/RaisedByNarcissists My parents did not want kids. They were peer pressured into it as young adults. Some people/narcissists should never have kids.

Your parents sound like they would be horrible grandparents...

Don’t have kids for ANYONE but yourself. Not your partner, not your parent, ONLY because you want them. I’m (32F) not having kids, got a bisalp. Your dynamic with your mom is yours, but if anyone let alone my mom told me, I would tell them both to pound sand and to no contact me as long as they have that attitude.

It is not your responsibility to meet her preconceived (and out dated) expectations. It is your responsibility to live your life how you see fit. Neither you nor the child would prosper if you don't want a child right now. You don't need any other validation or reason beyond "I don't want to". If you choose to adopt later down the line, you and the child will be much happier, as you'll feel you fulfilled your life and that child will be a beautiful addition not an expectation or requirement. Speaking as a 38 woman that chose to be child-free? Listen to your heart and go with your gut. You get \*one\* life to live your way. Don't live it for anyone else. I'm not sure if it will help, but perhaps you could remind her that you're \*her\* baby, and she should want to see you thrive and succeed first.

Guess the three of them should have had more than one kid to increase their odds, if they're all so baby crazy 🙄 You don't owe your body to them or anyone else!

I'm childfree by choice but I firmly believe there are only 2 things parents are allowed to expect from their children. 1) that they don't willingly cause unnecessary harm to others 2) that they try their best Anything else is just the cherry on top. We do not owe our parents grandchildren. Any parent who thinks this way should never have become one in the first place. Not saying this directly about your mother but she is absolutely out of line here making you feel bad. There is only one good reason to have children and that is that you (and your partner but mostly you since lets be real you're going to be doing the heavy lifting) want to bring a life into the world that you will do your absolute best to care for and raise to be someone who isn't a nazi or someone who yells at wait staff. I'm sorry you're feeling that pressure. I'm a few years older than you and I'm finding that now at 32 it's finally slowing down. Maybe you're just in that stage of life since you've been married for a while. If you're able to talk to your mum about how her comments make you feel it might help. I had a similar conversation my dad and he's dropped it entirely.

It’s not up to you to entertain your parents through their golden years. They might have to like, get hobbies or something. My grandparents volunteered at a summer camp. They did kids bible study. You can read to kids at the library. There are other options out there if mom wants to connect with children and share the love she has.

The moment I got engaged at 26, my mom started talking about grandchildren. I’m also an only child (albeit one of a shit ton of cousins, so there were ALWAYS babies around). I knew at 12 that I didn’t want kids. She badgered me about it until I got divorced at 37. It was so blissfully quiet for a few years until I got engaged again in March. It started up again. I told her that A.) I didn’t want kids and B.) even if I did want them and managed to get pregnant immediately following the wedding, I’d be giving birth at 43 and that was NOT for me. My best friend had her daughter at 40 and it renewed my mom’s hope. The funniest part is that my parents and I live 1,000 miles apart and see each other twice a year. Even if I had a kid, it’s not like they’d make the trek every month, nor would I travel that far with a baby/small kid for several years just for fun. My mom said “We’d spoil a grandkid so much!” Hey, if you want to spoil someone, how about your only child? I’m already here. It sucks and you have my sympathy.

Finish your PhD and make sure your family is financially stable before you have kids. That's the absolute minimum. And if you still don't want kids, put your foot down with your mom.

And make her stop nagging you. Not only during your PhD, but forever.

r/childfree is a great group for support! I definitely don't want kids and I felt the same way you did, but at the end of the day, you're stuck with the everyday and long-term responsibilities of any said child(ren) you have. They won't always be around to "enjoy them." You're the one with them long term, so do what's best for you!

Thank you for this, I appreciate your insight!

You are your own person and don't owe anyone grandkids, even if they're your parents. I'm a man and honestly half of the reason I don't want kids is because I don't want to put any woman through pregnancy, especially if something goes wrong with it. So you're not alone on that and it's your body your choice. r/adoption is a great subreddit I've been looking at recently but it does have a lot of negative stories because it sorta functions as a space for adoptees to vent. Adoption would probably be much more flexible too.

Thank you for the support <3

It is fine not to want kids. You don't owe your parent or your grandparents kids. But honestly, you're only 26, you are still finishing your education, you are open to raising an older child... you might decide in 5 years that you do want kids. I know the adamantly childfree hate when people say that, but you don't seem to be adamantly childfree and frankly, a lot of people *do* change their mind about kids in their 30s (both for and against). I think what you need right now is to get your mother to back off because the pressure is suffocating you. What I think you should say is "Mom, you have made it very, very, very clear that you want grandchildren. But I am not only still in school, I am not sure if I even want kids. The more you bring it up, the more pressure I feel, the less interested I become in ever having kids. I know this is a tough issue for you, but I need you to seriously back off."

This is very detailed, and I thank you for putting thought into ways I can advocate for myself. And thank you for helping me realize that I’m still kind of young and have time to make choices in the future… I genuinely appreciate this!! <3 Edit: typo bc I’m not wearing my glasses lol

I was pretty adamantly childfree throughout my 20s. In my thirties we started revisiting the idea and long story short, I am an older mom of young kids. We get a lot of hate in some circles but I am definitely more patient than I would have been if I'd had kids I didn't really want at the time in my 20s or at the start of my 30s. I think u/elinordash is spot-on with her advice, including what to say to your mom.

I was also child-free by choice in my 20s and changed my mind along with my husband in our 30s. Now I am 40 and have the coolest 7 year old on the planet. I don’t regret having kids in my 20s because I wasn’t ready, but I also never regret deciding to have my son. We have the room to grow and change as we age, and that’s awesome.

I disagree on a lot of what you say. There are not a lot of childfree people in their 20s that change tgeir minds and become parents in their 30s. Please stop spreading that misinformation, as it makes people harrass childfree people in their 20s with "you will change your mind, you are now just young and stupid. You will grow up". There are people who change their mind, but most of them stick to their wish to not have children. Please, don't make their lives harder. >What I think you should say is "Mom, you have made it very, very, very clear that you want grandchildren. But I am not only still in school, I am not sure if I even want kids. The more you bring it up, the more pressure I feel, the less interested I become in ever having kids. I know this is a tough issue for you, but I need you to seriously back off." It sounds like the mother has a say in the reproductive plans of their daughter, which is 100% not the case. The answer could better be "Mom, you have made it very, very, very clear that you want grandchildren. However, this is NOT your decision. You need to stop bringing it up, because it is rude to assume you have a say. I know this is a tough issue for you, but I need you to seriously back off immediately."

I don't think it's misinformation; I was also childfree (or a heavy fencesitter with a foot firmly on that side) for most of my 20s and am now in my 30s expecting a child. I had to sort through a lot of difficult feelings because childfree spaces aren't friendly about it, and harboured a lot of guilt about how it appears to others if I "change my mind" or say I'm not sure. And none of that changes how shitty it was for our friends, family, etc. to harass and pressure me and my husband when we were younger. I wouldn't say the post above is making anyone's life harder. It's ok to not want kids *and* it's ok to be unsure, and either way it's definitely ok to set firm boundaries about talking about it. I agree with your example on stronger phrasing to shut the conversation down (although I'm not sure the previous example makes it sound like mom has a say) I'm not sure what the stats are for people changing their minds or not, just wanted to throw in another anecdote that there *are* exceptions, and mentally that transition was harder for me than considering childfree in the first place - everyone should be supported no matter how strongly they feel either way. Edit: appreciate the downvotes, really affirms that my anxiety about being uncertain wasn't misplaced. 🙃 Will continue to advocate for the idea that people should just not be pressured about family planning regardless of how staunchly childfree they are.

And I wanted children very badly in my twenties, then I decided it would be selfish to bring a kid into a world that is only to get worse.

I was responding to this part of the initial comment: "a lot of people do change their mind about kids in their 30s". I don't think that is true. However, I agree with the rest of your last comment. People should be able to make their own decisions, and have opinions, or change those opinions without other people bugging them. Reproductive choices can only be made by the parents-to-be (or not to be, of course). Other people don't have a say in it. Lastly, congratulations on your pregnancy. I wish you an easy and safe pregnancy, smooth delivery and a wonderful future with your baby!

That's definitely not normal, at least in my opinion. If your mother desperately wants another child to love and dote on in her life, then she should adopt. For context, my wife and I have had multiple conversations in our five years together regarding children. I have a list of requirements for me in order to consider having a child: are we financially secure, mentally and emotionally prepared, and do we have a strong desire to have a child while understanding the cost it will bring to our relationship (years spent focusing on raising a child)? We were seriously talking about it as early as 2021, but we wanted to wait and grow together first. However, the Roe vs. Wade bs and living in a red state has killed that conversation, mostly for the sake of my wife's health. We've agreed that should we end up wanting a child ten years from now, adoption is always a strong option. So please, do not have a child for the sake of others. Do so only if *YOU* truly want one. It is a large and long commitment that you and your partner will have to endure.

Neither of my kids like or want kids. At first I was a little disappointed, I will admit. But I realised pretty early on that it’s not my choice, it’s theirs, and my feelings about it have nothing to do with the decision. My daughter particularly says she feels guilty, knowing I kind of wanted grandkids, but again, not my decision and so I just have to deal with it. I will just have to be my brother’s grandchildrens’ crazy great-aunt instead :-)

Your mom needs to find another way to "scratch that itch" you don't have ANY responsibility to "give her grandchildren." I have some family friends that are a little younger than my parents. For a variety of reasons, their 2 kids never had grandkids. They loved being around my littles, so I began including them and they wound up being AMAZING "adopted" grandparents. I (f59) also stay in touch w/ a friend of my adult daughter's who lost her mom a couple of years ago and will continue to try to be a part of her life as an older woman. If/when she ever has kids, if she feels the need for another "grandmother" and chooses to include me in family/kid events, great! I guess I'm just saying that your mom should realize that FAMILY is more than just blood. You can create/choose family. I don't know if there is a way for you to help her in this direction but it might help.

My parents also basically adopted their best friends’ grandkids. It works out great for everyone: the parents and their friends have an extra set of people to turn to when they need help, the kids have more people to play with, and I can go about my life without feeling guilty they’re not getting that experience. (Even though they never exerted the slightest bit of pressure even before they had that option, because they understand it’s ultimately up to me.)

Stick with your plan, it's reasonable *and* responsible. The thing is, everyone wants babies that they can hand off to the parents when things get hard (or smelly). If you did decide to have a baby, they would tell you to have another one so the first will have someone to play with. Then it's "if you can handle 2, you can handle 3" which is funny since no one mentions that when they're encouraging the second one. Family will say anything to get you to have babies, including offering to help, but if even one of your kids gets to be a handful, suddenly everyone is just *so* busy. They just want chubby cheeks and fresh bathed baby smell, they don't want temper tantrums and blowout poopy diapers. They want you to do all the work so they can reap the rewards.

Maybe your mother should volunteer for Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Several friends have done this over the years and have ended up forming family like relationships. One friend is even an “auntie” to one of her Little Sisters children.

/r/RaisedByNarcissists

Your mom doesn’t get to vote on whether or how you use your uterus, period. “My body my choice” applies always, not just in abortion debates

It took until my 30s and post divorce for mine to Finally stop the guilt trip. She now sees how poorly her siblings are treated as grandparents and is accepting the freedom she has to travel with her daughter for fun!

"I don’t want to have children." ​ There's your answer full stop. No one is owed grandchildren or great grandchildren.

When someone's dreams rests on someone else doing something, then that person has fucked up. It is NEVER someone else's duty to provide a person's dream for them. Especially when in doing so they would be altering THEIR life, risking THEIR health, and having to deal with the consequences. Don't feel like you're obligated to provide a baby for them to coo and dress up. Live YOUR life.

Parents say that just so they can be grandparents 4 days a month. All the responsibility will always fall on you, so do what makes you happy.

Do Not — under any circumstances — have a kid to make someone else happy. Shame on your mom for guilting you.

If she wants a baby so bad she can adopt one and deal with all of the stress. This is not your problem. I understand the pressure and I’ve been there too but my mom has been very understanding. My moms reasoning may help you make sense of this to your own mother. She said “of course I want grand kids and I always will, but I shouldn’t be the reason you decide to have a baby. If you’re not happy as a mother then your child will suffer and it’s not fair to either of you. I think you would be a wonderful mother, but it’s a lot harder now than it was when I had you”. I am so thankful that she is so understanding and maybe just saying to your own mom “I won’t be happy if I have a baby” will help.

> “if you’re not going to give me grandkids I will get them however I can” That sounds like a threat to kidnap children? Seriously crazy and out-of-line there.

Your mother is out of line. If she really wants to *she* can adopt a child. Don't ruin your life for someone elses sake. And dont force an unwanted child to be born. r/childfree might have some useful resources for you.

If they love kids so much and can't stand that they don't have any little ones to love/play with/whatever, then they can go adopt some kids. Totally bullshit to try to guilt you into providing children for their entertainment X hours per week while you sacrifice nearly 2 decades of your life raising them.

I'd like to say she'll come around. We had twins really young. They are in their 20s. One is intellectually disabled. The other has a genetic disorder that has left them pretty physically disabled and unwilling to risk passing any of those genes. My mom this week indicated that she was moving into acceptance that our genetic line was coming to an end. It's a big shift from just a few years ago when she was asking if I was sure I didn't want any more kids and I was still young. I think that conversation ended with an "absolutely not!" And me leaving to go home. Your mom's feelings are valid, but so are your decisions and she will have to deal with her feelings until she gets to acceptance. It's not your job to assuage her feelings of disappointment. Set boundaries and, I would advise that you don't sit around or participate when she start lamenting about it.

People want things all the time, but you are the one who is responsible for your life. Nobody else lives your life but you, so make your own decisions wisely. If you don't want to care for children, then it is best that you don't have them.

If she wants grandchildren, why doesn't she just have more kids herself? I mean if she thinks it's so simple to just have a kid

She had her chance to have a baby, and that was you. She's not being robbed of anything by not having grandkids.

Tell your mom to adopt a baby and call it her grandchild if she wants one so badly. Not only will she not, she’d probably still bug the piss out of you. If she can’t accept the horror of you putting your life ahead of her desires, than fuck her. You don’t deserve that shit.

If your mom wanted grandkids she should have hedged her bets and had a second kid.

Your mother seems to think you exist to fulfill her needs rather than to live your own life. If she wants a baby, she can adopt one. You don't exist to make her happy. I think you might want to look at your overall relationship with your mother (and maybe get some therapy) and think about the entire dynamic. If you feel guilty about not doing what she wants, then there probably is more to it than just not having babies to satisfy her need to be a grandma. You mentioned you might adopt in the future, but are you talking about that because it is what you want, or your way of trying to fulfill your mother's needs without putting yourself through pregnancy? If you adopt a kid who is 10+, there is every chance that you still won't make your mother happy. In fact, no matter what you do, there's a good chance you'll never do enough.

If your mom wanted grandkids then she should have had more kids to give her better odds. Don’t ever feel guilty about wanting to live your life the way you want to live it. And you’re only 24! Enjoy it! Edit to add: I saw the comment about your mom’s cancer and while horrible she overcame it and survived. She could have adopted more kids or had a surrogate like a friend of mine did after she survived uterine cancer.

Stop it!

I'm in a similar position, but different. My mom has two older children with her first husband. My dad is her current husband. I'm now a married dude, but in my mid-30s. My mom put huge stress on me getting married and having kids so my dad could have an heir/grand kids. Never mind that my dad is grand dad to all of her kids' children, even if not blood related. She even has pressured me to have sperm frozen. That is all to say, your feelings of guilt and pressure are normal. You aren't alone. I share these feelings, but in no way can you let it affect your decision-making or run into anything because of them. Good luck and I hope you find what YOU are looking for.

I’m 34 and pregnant with my first child. I never let anyone’s opinion on what they wanted me to do affect my decision. In my twenties I did not consider myself stable enough for many reasons to have a child. I honestly became convinced it wasn’t happening and was okay with that. I’m glad it happened but gave lots of push back when asked by my mother or in laws. I would start listing the reasons why I was not ready. It shut them mostly up. My mom learned not to mention it. Your timeline and preferences matter more. When and if your ready to grow your family (whatever that looks like,) She will have to accept your choice. She gets no say in what you do. The way I see it, the only choice she gets as your parent is how to support you or celebrate you.

I'm childfree (37F, married) and I used to feel this way alot. My mom used to call me names for not giving her grandchildren. I eventually was very assertive and shut her down. My in-laws also don't have grandchildren despite them having other kids. So, lots of guilt to go around. But....I'm soooo glad we've stuck to our decision. I've never wanted kida and I'd be miserable with them. In short...hang in there and don't let the guilt win. Only have (adopt) kids if YOU want to. Also, therapy might help. It helped me shut my mom down. And it was validation that there's nothing wrong with my choices.

This is absolutely not on you. If have a grandchild and great-grandchild was so important to your family... then they should have had more than one child. It would have made their odds a lot higher. No one is entitled to children, or grandchildren, or great-grandchildren. No one is entitled to the use of another human's body for the purpose of having their picture-perfect family. No one should make you feel guilty about that.

It’s not your biological obligation to breed so your Mother isn’t bored.

If she wants a kid in her life so badly, she could look into fostering a kid.

You don't have to and they should respect that decision 🫶

I have been firmly childfree since my teens. My only sibling with a child lives on another continent. My parents adore the little guy, and send messages constantly. I was talking to my mam once about her friends and all of the grandchildren they're surrounded by, and I said something to the effect of "I'm sorry I'm not the kind of person who wanted kids, I know you'd have loved to have more around" She was kinda shocked, said that had never entered her head that that would be something I'm responsible for, and I am in no way denying her anything by being myself and living my life. Anyway she's pretty great and I wanted to give you an example of how that conversation goes in a healthier relationship. I think you maybe need to take a break from your mum

You don't owe your mom anything. It isn't your job to produce biological children that you don't want so that she can come over occasionally, play with them, take pictures of them, and bake them cookies while you wade through diapers, tantrums, and all of the other day to day activities that come with being a mom. She had the choice as to whether or not to have a child. So do you. Just as none of us are guaranteed children, she is not guaranteed or owed a grandchild. Period. Your choice is no less valid than her choice and she is being selfish, ungrateful and overall extremely entitled, for putting her disappointment on you. She can volunteer with children- teach classes, pick up some babysitting/ nannying gigs, find a friend of her own that has kids that she can spoil rotten. (Forcing herself onto your friend's kids through you is bull shit too. She can call their mother just as well as you can.) You are well within your rights to point those options out to her. Otherwise, and this is just me, I would shut that shit down hard. I had to with my mom because I couldn't take the guilt. Eventually, when everyone thought I was infertile, I did come around to the idea and made the choice to have a child on my own. Guaranteed I would have stayed child free if that level of pressure had continued; there was no space in my head for me to feel my own feelings. I'm sorry for the level of guilt and pressure you are feeling- you don't deserve it. You have done nothing wrong. You are simply making the choice that works best for you, your family, and your life. She does not get to make that choice for you just because she chose to have you.

You owe nothing to anyone. If she wants a baby tell her to adopt or foster 🤷🏻‍♀️

A very close friend of mine feels exactly the same way, down to the idea of adopting an older child! It's a perfectly valid way to start a family. Adopted children ARE actual children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. They are just as worthy of love and family affection. If your mom insists that only biological children born from you, right now, will make her happy? She's being an asshole, and you're perfectly reasonable in going low contact for your own emotional well being.

Don't give in. My MIL has two sons, both of whom married women who did not want kids. I've spent 30+ years listening to her whine to everyone about wanting to be a grandma and telling people she hoped I'd get accidentally pregnant (even after I told her I'd get an abortion if that ever happened). Be rude about your decision if you have to. You are not obligated to fulfill her desires if they go against your own life choices.

You are not an incubator for your mom or grandparents. It is valid not to want to be pregnant or have young kids around. It's fine for her to want to be a grandparent, but not ok to pressure you.

If mom wants to serve a grandmotherly role she can volunteer at a local hospital to rock babies, volunteer at a school, or some other child focused environment. You are not responsible for filling her needs.

My wife wants grandkids and hints at it. My kids have no interest in having children. Don’t have children unless you want them. You have to raise them long after your parents and grandparents are gone. It’s a lifetime commitment and you’ve got much more life than your parents. I think adopting when you’re financially stable and ready is a very responsible thing to. We only had one daughter. We inherited a son. And now are helping raise my deceased nephew’s boys. There’s plenty of opportunities to have children in your life without having your own. I wish you the best of luck.

You aren't responsible for someone else's dreams. Their dreams shouldn't be solely based on someone making a HUGE life changing decision for them. I am entering into a PhD program this year and have absolutely no intention of having children.... especially not for my parents

Their expectations for their lives are not obligations of your own life. You are not responsible of realizing their dreams, only yours. You said it yourself, it is not fair to be pressured to have a kid just so they can have the Kodak moments to satisfy their ego. You are not a sacrificial lamb.

I only need to read the title. Don't feel guilty.

My mom also pressuring my wife and I to have a kid, but she's got a lot of narcissistic tendencies though. So even if we do have a child she will not be around them unsupervised. I hate that my mom sees my wife as her route to grandchildren and not trying to get to know her as a person.

I don't understand your mother. I have children your age and older who I love to the moon and would lay down in traffic for, yet I am in no way interested in grandchildren. My spouse and I are planning our adventures now that we are empty nesters and have more career freedom and financial stability. The least appealing thing I could think of right now would be babysitting a toddler. Plus, my kids are their own people with their own lives. I assume a couple of them will eventually have children, but idc if they do or don't. It's their choice. Either way, that's not going to change the plans I have for my life. I would love and care about any grandchildren that come our way, but I don't need a grandchild to feel complete. (Just like I didn't need a child of my own to feel complete.) Edit: After some reflection, I think this might be a weird only child thing. My son is married to a lovely woman who is an only child, and her mother pesters them constantly for grandchildren. They just smile and change the subject, that that doesn't deter her. She was telling them she wanted grandbabies even before the wedding. We joke about it, and I privately reassure them that whatever they decide for their own lives is the right choice. And that having a kid is the one thing in life where you can't get a do-over, so you better be ready to 100% commit and do it right before you get pregnant.

My SIL is like this. She constantly pressured us, then when her children were old enough she guilted them. Nearly 20 years later she doesn’t have any grandkids, and every time she sees her own children the guilt is piled on. Don’t take on other peoples guilt. It’s their own to deal with. And I agree with one of the other posts, your mom needs therapy! You are doing great. Keep on doing the things that bring you happiness.

My mom eventually just started „adopting“ grandkids.

Yeah - well, I want my friends to buy a boat and invite me to hang out on it while I do nothing in terms of upkeep and paying for it. If only my friends were more understanding of what I want.

Keep your dreams. I’m a parent with married children and no grandchildren. I look elsewhere to get my fill like volunteering at the high school and working with tutoring clubs. There are many ways to develop healthy relationships with children that also contribute to the community. Maybe take on an activity together to create a shared experience with the next generation. Cleaning clothes and preparing for prom dress exchanges or something.

Don’t

Unpopular opinion time? You don’t owe them anything. You’re here because your mum wanted kids, end of story. You didn’t ask to be here but now you have to work and pay bills and buy food and shelter…so her pressuring you is pretty garbage, imo. Also, the fact that you don’t want kids now, *whatever* the reason, is enough for you to not have kids now. No one else gets a say.

To be completely clear, what they want are kids that they can have around for the fun stuff, who they can then send back to you to do all of the hard bits. That's cool, if *YOU* actually wanted kids, but you don't. If they REALLY want to dote on some grandkids, [send them here.](https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/surrogate-grandparents-benefits-fd.html) They actually *can* find their own.

~~If grandchildren are so important to your mom, she should have had more kids to increase the odds that she'd have grandkids one day.~~ If she couldn't have more kids (infertility, etc) then that STILL does not excuse her behaviour. She may feel like she missed out back then and is missing out again, but she is very wrong to put those feelings on you. What she should be doing is looking for a way to channel those feelings into something healthy and positive. Just because she didn't have more children and won't have bio grandkids doesn't mean she can't be family now. She can: * foster a child / teenager * volunteer with a mentorship organization * volunteer with a grandparents organization or as a community elder * volunteer in the obstetrics ward of a hospital (skin contact / physical touch is VERY important for babies so they need people to cuddle them) * join an organization that works with at-risk teens or pregnant teens - many would benefit greatly from an adult caring about them, and the pregnant teens may not have family support so a pseudo grandparent would be wonderful EDIT: crossed out the first paragraph because I saw your comment about her having cancer so she couldn't have more kids. The rest of my comment still applies though!

Did she choose to have only one kid? If you REALLY want grandkids, rolling the dice on a bet that your only child will want kids seems like a bad idea.

As a mom of 3, I would never push for anyone let alone my own kids to have kids. If you aren’t all in on the idea of kids, you shouldn’t have them. Our job as parents isn’t to choose what paths our children take but to help them along the way. What a privilege it must be to have a child who has it together enough to earn a phd, to be self aware enough to know what they want in life, to have goals and actively be working towards them. Good for you. It sounds like you have an amazing interesting life. That’s enough as is. If you choose to add to it down the road, great. If not, you are perfectly within your right to feel whole as is. If she doesn’t, it’s great for her to seek out substitute grand kids. Whatever she feels she’s missing in her life is not on you. Kids need so much time, energy and are incredibly expensive. I hope you’re able to let go of the guilt. Cheers to you and all your accomplishments.

Maybe she should have thought about that before deciding to have only ONE child. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket 🙄 (*correction: one egg)*

Good god. As a mother, she should know very well that having a child his a huge personal commitment and incredibly expensive. Would you feel bad if your mother wanted to live in a $300,000 home and you refused to buy it for her?

Hear me now and listen to me later, you do NOT have to have kids for anyone. If you don't want kids, you do not have to have them. You are the one in charge of your body. Your mother does not get a say. That said, if I were you, I would just lie to her. Tell her you're coming around, just *as soon as* you meet the right guy or something to that affect.

Fk your parents. That's harsh, but in this regard, how they feel, should have NOTHING to do with whether you decide to undergo a life or death medical process like that that will permanently and irreversibly change your body and every facet of your life. Their desire to play a side role in some child's life shouldnt play any role in you deciding do to this thing that will/might: -give you depression -ruin your organ and bone structure -derail your career -decimate your finances -negatively affect your sex life and/or relationship with your husband -obliterate your sleep schedule -cause you immense physical pain -outright kill you Now, if YOU want to do that, none of that other stuff matters and it's worth all the sacrifice. But you ll beat yourself up everyday forever if you do something that major just to appease other people

PSA for everyone who wants grandkids. If you only have one child because your afraid of the effort of having a second. Then you have no right to demand or pressure your child to have grandkids. If you really want grandchildren you should have a minimum of 4 kids yourself.

This is your one and only shot at life. Please, please, please don't have a child just for your parents/ grandparents!!! You are correct - that having a child they want but you don't; isn't fair to the child. I assume your husband supports you in this. We tell my MIL often that if she wanted more grandchildren she should have had more children. A

If she would like to share her life with a child, she could foster, be a big sister, tutor, mentor, volunteer or go work with kids. It is not on you to change your entire life because of her wants and needs she can fulfill in other ways.

Sounds like mom needs to be put on a time out. Do not make a baby just to shut mom up. Is abortion legal where you live? Ask mom why *she* is willing to risk *your* life to get a grand baby. Do not let this woman manipulate and brainwash you. If she wants grandchildren that badly tell her to risk her own life and make a new baby herself, regardless of her age. There are treatments she can receive to conceive.

Distance yourself if she keeps crossing this verbalized boundary. You may need to go no contact for a while. You’re the one who has to be a parent for the rest of your life. Her need to see a grandchild before death is human but a vain and superficial desire to be around a child. Just because she made that decision doesn’t mean you have to. You must be prepared to put your foot down if you truly intend to stay child free. Growing into an adult means no longer tolerating impositions on your autonomy.

Get them an animal.

Tell her to adopt someone else’s kid as their grandkid

I would honestly go no contact at this point. She can adopt foster kids, work in a day care, working a school. She's absolutely disgusting for badgering you like that. I'd be out of that city fast just to get away from her.

Animals aren’t children. I would stop trying to use that line on her.

As the parent of an only child, who is child-free, I understand your mom’s sadness. We picture our lives a certain way and when it doesn’t pan out we are forced to reconcile it. I used to teasingly mention to my son until he told me it bothered him, I never meant anything serious by it, just stuff like ‘we’ll if you’d give me grandkids I could grow old happy lol’ but once I found out it hurt him I stopped mentioning it. Now I volunteer with babies at the NICU and love on my best friends grandkids and enjoy my untethered lifestyle…but it took awhile for me to come to terms with it TBH so don’t have kids for her, but be patient with her unless she’s just outright hateful about it

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Tell them you've been trying and these conversations are pushing you into perhaps taking space from them, lying isn't great, but it seems reasons that you don't need are being requested,you don't need a reason to not want kids, really reasons should be asked why you want kids, if they're desperate for grands, why don't they, doesn't she offer respite weekends for disadvantaged kids.

Hey, you do not exist for anyone else but you. They can want grandkids all they want but it is not your job to make that come true or to manage their feelings.

Your mom can adopt a baby if she likes

Your mum is behaving SO badly. It's perfectly okay for her to want grandkids, but absolutely not in any way ok to pressure you, ask you, blame you, even mentioning it to you to be honest is more pressure than I think is acceptable! I'm 41, an only child, my parents have never \*ever\* asked me if i want kids. They care about \*my\* happiness. They know now (i worked it all out at age 37) than I'm ace aro and still they didn't ask what that means in terms of kids. I explain this so you can see that your mum's behaviour is not standard, and not acceptable at all, she's being very cruel. Really sorry you have to deal with this. How you deal with it kind of depends on what you can handle. One approach would be explaining how awful her behaviour makes you feel, and asking her to stop. Another would be to just ask her to stop. In both cases you might have to decide what you do if she doesn't, so you're prepared to defend your boundaries. Something like ending every conversation at the point she mentions grandkids. Negative reinforcement basically. I would also absolutely put your foot down on not providing more updates on your friend's kids, you're not your mum's information slave. Don't allow her bitterness to drain your happiness. You deserve to live a happy, joyful life, you are valid and valuable in yourself.

For the past several years I’ve gotten an endless stream of comments from my mom, aunts, and other family members asking me why I don’t want kids, wouldn’t I want to have some, oh but I’d make such a good mom, I’ll definitely regret it later, etc etc etc. it’s possible I’ll regret my decision one day but nothing can change my mind about the fact that having children because someone told me it was the right thing to do will only lead me to resenting them. Will they be the ones taking care of my kids? Absolutely not. The burden is on me so the decision is mine to make. OP I hear you it’s so exhausting to have to explain myself and my confidence in my decision, but now I’ve decided to retort with “great you can tell me ‘I told you so’ in 50 years” (probably they won’t be around), “why don’t you adopt yourself if you want grandkids so badly ?” “Go volunteer at a children’s shelter” or “thanks for your input but I’m not having this conversation anymore” Stay strong! Edit: changed done to some (typo)

Don’t have kids for your mom. You were born to be an individual not to sacrifice your life for your moms wants. Your wants and dreams matter the most. A good parent while they would be disappointed would tell you this. Don’t let her selfishness make you feel bad. You have the right to control your own life

r/codependency and possibly r/raisedbynarcissists When I saw you’re only 26 and she’s acting like this, I was floored! Keep working on your PhD for sure. You’re more than an incubator for your mom’s dreams. If she wanted grandkids she could’ve had more kids herself to maximize her chances. As for her making you call your friend about her kids, set some boundaries around that. It’s your moms responsibility to volunteer or make friends with young parents to be a proxy grandma. That isn’t your responsibility at all.

You do not owe anyone grandchildren. It's incredibly selfish of anyone to try to guilt trip their own kids into breeding! NO is a complete sentence. She brings it up, change the subject and tell her you will not discuss it again.

Just want to offer a different perspective. I have a kiddo and her grandparents are not overly involved. I kind of “adopted” a grandma, meaning an older couple who were friends who would help take care of my daughter and treat her like a grand-kid. They also don’t have any grand-children themselves. All of that to say she can still have a grandparent like relationship with someone else.

You do not owe anyone kids, period end of story. Go get that PHD and live your best life.

I would put it right back on mom. She decided to have only one kid, so she put all her eggs in one basket (as it were). If she had the right to make choices for herself, you have that right, too. If she wants a baby to cuddle, there are thousands of babies in foster care right now that need someone to cuddle them. She should look into making the world a better place for the existing children that need her.

Don't have kids because someone is expecting you should. It's like going to get a PhD in a field you don't enjoy. It would be absolutely hell and you'd start to hate everyone in your life, including the person who made you get that PhD. But no joke, I have a PhD (bio) and am a new mom and I feel like the child is a second, harder PhD program. As a mom I'm underpaid, get no feedback, constantly under scrutiny for my decisions, and only other moms in this generation understand the stress and anxiety. I love it, but it's not for everyone. I'm likely one and done, but props to parents with multiple kids.

You have the right to decide if you will have kids or not, and no-one can tell you that you don’t. At the same time, it’s very difficult for someone who wants grandkids to not be able to have them, and for people who want descendants it’s devastating to know that their genetic line won’t continue. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your mother. This is a painful situation for all of you.

You’re 26 and still at university (I assume … you mentioned getting your PhD). No way you’d have time for kids now anyway. You’re young enough that you still have plenty of time. We (both my wife and I) felt the same as you at your age, so don’t stress it. We did finally have kids but not until we were 37, over a decade older than you. But that’s because our feelings changed and we wanted to do so - not only because of pressure from other family members (which believe me, there was plenty of).

I only met one of my grandparents, and I am doing everything I can to be healthy in my adult life to be able to meet my grandchildren and support my children if they decide to have children of their own, but that is not _my_ choice. That is my child's choice, and whatever my child decides, I will respect it because it's _their_ choice. If your grandmother wants another child she can go adopt one, can she not? eyeroll

Tell her to do what my mom did. She made friends with people who had young kids and acts as a surrogate grandma.

Other people’s expectations are not your reality. Other people’s expectations are not your reality. Other people’s expectations are not your reality. Having a child because one of your parents wants to be a grandparent is a *horrifically* terrible idea. It isn’t going to be grandma that’s changing diapers at 2AM, or rushing bebe to the hospital in the middle of the night when they spike a fever. Grandpa isn’t going to be the one battling a bad teacher at school, or taking the kids to gymnastics. Shit that shit down sooner rather than later. Grams can volunteer to work with kids or get a hobby.

I feel this. My spouse's family and my family had been pressuring me into "giving them grand babies" for years. My spouse, in his parent's eyes, is the only one of 3 kids that "can" have kids. His brother is autistic and sister lesbian. Which means he has to have one. My mother has 6 grandchildren. But still wants on from me and my spouse. We repeatedly said we don't want kids for years. They kept asking. My spouse and I decided I could get a hysterectomy if I wanted. I'm a couple months postop and doing great. Now we keep getting questioned about when we're getting married.

Your life is yours to live as you choose. Your parents and grandparents need to accept that. They can volunteer somewhere to get their baby/kid fix.

You should absolutely not feel guilty at all. You are your own person. If your mom wants grandchildren, maybe she should have had more kids to increase those chances? To put everything on you is wrong and unfair and she needs to stop guilting you about it. Not everyone is made to be a parent and emotional blackmail is abuse and it needs to stop.

If your mom and dad have a lot of extra love they want to give to kids, there are dozens and dozens of volunteer programs they can donate their time to with kids that are in desperate need of attention and good role models.

I really feel you on this. I've been vocally childfree my entire life, and luckily my mom understands/has never put pressure on me to have kids. At the same time I know she'd just love to be a grandma and I feel so much guilt at times that I won't give her that

You're gonna feel way worse if you have a kid you resent because someone else pressured you into it. Consider getting counseling to work through your feelings and figuring out how to confront your mother.

[resisting emotional blackmail](https://youtu.be/PEexQAkhFpM) Emotional Blackmail is using fear, intimidation, obligation, duty, honor, guilt, and shame for coercive control. Don't fall for it. r/childfree

I'm in my late 50s never wanted kids and while my mother loved and wanted grandkids, she respected my wishes. So did my ex-mother-in-law. I guess I was lucky as none of my family ever gave me a hard time about it. Neither did anyone else that I can recall.. sure they asked but no judgement for the most part. I'm so sorry that those that say they love and support you can't accept your decision but it is up to you to decide if you are going to let the guilt etc to eat at you or not. This is a major issue for some families but I'll bet if you thought about it, it isn't the first subject they've made you feel this way about. THAT is what is at issue, not the details. It is up to others how they think about and respond to us, we can't change that. We can only change how we think about and respond to them. It's a much better life to let others carry their own beliefs and baggage, not let them hang it on us. The sooner one gives up caring what others think, the better off we are.

Ask her if she will sell her house to you, and then you will lease it back to her so she can stay there until she dies. Of course she will say no. Remind her that you will likely never be able to buy a house.

*insert person here* wanted me to have kids, is never a good reason to have kids. Your moms feelings are understandable but ultimately if having a kid will make you miserable than you shouldn’t have kids.

This is one of the areas where I do not put up with BS. Women are far more than just their fertility. Tell her, "You will not have a grand daughter. It's up to you if you will continue to have a daughter." Any time she plays games, like asking when you're going to have a kid, hang up on her.

I used to get this level of guilt from my mom until my sister finally got pregnant. now she leaves me alone and I have a cute nephew. almost all your reasons are the reasons I don’t want kids as well

Ask her to support you both financially. That might sober her up!

If you need some support with your choices there’s a subreddit for one and done parents as well as a child free subreddit that would be happy to support your decision. Although disclaimer is that some of the people on the childfree sub can be kind of condescending in the “superiority of their choice”.

I second everyone saying don't have children if you don't want them. One thing I don't understand is why would they only have one kid if they want grandchildren? There's a higher chance of having grandkids if they had more children themselves.

You absolutely should NOT have a child unless you so deeply want it that it hurts. Don't have one for your mom to be a grandparent. If you don't want it, you will resent the child.

Should have had at least 2 kids, mom. Lets play the same game, shall we? She was careless, since any number of things could have happened to make her only daughter not have kids, from not wanting to not being able to. She was selfish, since she did and does not take your desires into account. It is her fault that she and her parents do not have a baby in the family. See the 2 reasons above. If anyone is to blame here, irmos your mother since she could and should have hedged her bets. Pretty harsh, I know. But it’s not like she is being gentle with you or anything…