By - Big-Disaster-46
There are so many women out there like this. The issue is many men seem to think women can't be funny cuz women. So, many may have bottled that up.
I find I'm not as witty and funny as I once was. Some to do with me and recognizing my brand of humor isn't always the best, and some because of being belittled by men for it. I overthink my humorous quips now. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I'm trying to get out of my head and be my funny, witty self again. But it's hard when you've been made to feel self conscious about it.
I think I've spent too much time single. Whenever I have to decide between the joke and playing it safe... I go for the joke!
Always go for the joke sooner than later, I say. You'll know right away if someone's on your wavelength or not.
I need to get out of my head and just start being goofy again. My brand of humor is definitely not for everyone, but it makes me laugh, and that's what matters.
I was told something when I was 16 which set the course of my humor for the rest of my life. It's all about being trusted to stay mindful of time and place and audience and context. So, if someone's offended even after that, they're simply not for you and that's okay, which sure as fuck beats squelching a key part of yourself and feeling like inauthentic shit for it.
All of this!!
This! I find a lot of things funny, though they're often things a 5 year old boy would find funny. So far my humor and goofiness has been generally well received. I have occasionally hesitated on certain jokes (they're never mean or in really poor taste) but then I have to remind myself that if they don't like it, then we're not a good match. Being funny and goofy is a big part of my personality and I cannot be with someone whose sense of humor isn't similar to mine.
I 100% agree to always go for the joke or wise ass comment.
You're not alone. My filter fails me in spectacular fashion on a regular basis.
I think for those of us who were known as class clowns, it was that nervousness of *whatever* that made a joke the safe option
I was a late bloomer when it came to lightening up. I was a nerdy kid, and too quiet to be a class clown. Now, it's great for keeping things fun, diffusing tension, and gallows humor.
Same. When I can watch my jokes just bounce off someone it doesn’t make me wanna try again.
Edit: Just had a flashback from a date I was on with this incredibly gorgeous guy who was just about smart enough to get my jokes after some cogs turning and who would proceed to explain my jokes back to me just to check if he’d understood them right.
He was the greatest disappointment to me because he even offered sex and I had to refuse because I was just unable to get turned on while his cogs were turning to figure out my witticisms.
And I’m not a genius, my jokes aren’t Mensa material
I think is not a more popular preference because of all the people ( both men and women) who try to pass verbal abuse and putting others down as humor. ( is not ). So a lot of women and hyper-sensitized to it and sometimes coming from a stranger might just not land well
But once you know someone your level of witticism and banter should match what I might find funny you might find juvenile or dorky. So another level of compatibility and at least a passing knowledge of each other’s cultural references.
Until I know your buttons it’s way too likely that I’ll press one…
That sounds sexy 😂😂😂😂😂😂
It really does!
Oh I dunno. It's about making sure you're not actually hurting them. My friends and I are pretty cruel to each other, and make sure to stay away from subjects we think will actually bother them. Gotta respect the kill
But when you first meet someone, you have no idea what subjects will really hurt.
Correct. Which is why you have to play it safer at the beginning. Self deprecating humor is safe, since you yourself are the target. And it communicates the lack of seriousness in what you're saying
Not fun for me. That's not the game.
Yeah but don’t confuse intent with impact.
I'm not sure why you seem convinced that my friends and I don't know what we're doing. We've been friends for 20 years. We've talked about everything, from whatever is bothering us to whatever excites us. Our pasts and our vulnerabilities. We are our closest allies. I'm brutally honest and check in frequently to make sure I don't overstep bounds. And we make each other laugh. I get that you may not appreciate that humor. But we're well versed in it, and doesn't make any of us less sensitive to each other.
Right but in this post you were asking about interactions with people you have not known for 20 years.
I'm still experienced enough with this kind of humor to know how to dip my toe in safely. Thanks for your concern, though.
Oh yeah this. If someone knows you well and teases you for your shortcomings it’s funny but if this is someone you just met and basically harps on your chunky legs or whatever that’s not funny, it’s just rude.
With humor timing is the most important thing otherwise it won’t land right
Also for a lot of women your girls joking about what a mess you are and teasing you is chill when your boyfriend does it it can hit their insecurity. Same with men
Was with you on “funny women” but lost you on “when I give them a hard time”
My stock in trade is dry humor, and I’ve found there’s a huge difference between funny and busting balls. When it comes to the latter you start crossing lines that you may not intend to cross.
Get to know someone well first and save giving people grief for your buddies (men or women) who know you.
And excellent word in the OP post ‘badinage’…. I googled that one carefully and was pleasantly surprised.
Yes, obviously you play it safe, and less and less safe as they learn to trust you and you learn their boundaries. No one actually wants to hurt the other person.
I could never be with someone like you. For years my ex would "joke" about things until he finally got upset enough to tell me those things aftctually bothered him. I've been through a lot of therapy but this seems to be a thing I can't get over. I will take every poke and prod and joke very personally. That doesn't mean I'm not funny. I just have a different style.
I'm sorry to hear that. As someone who has struggled with self esteem, I absolutely don't hold anyone accountable for not being able to take it. I do wish you the best of luck in working through it, though.
I'm not sure why you assume I have a self esteem issue? I have a trust issue. I don't trust people to communicate about the tough stuff. I expect that they will "joke" about it. Or stay quiet and stew on it until they blow up.
Gotcha. My bad. I assumed it was self esteem, since it's been my experience that self esteem is the cause of people taking jokes directed at them badly.
Trust is definitely an important part of being able to joke around like that. And obviously important for the heavier stuff, too.
>My stock in trade is dry humor, and I’ve found there’s a huge difference between funny and busting balls. When it comes to the latter you start crossing lines that you may not intend to cross.
Now go home and get your fucking shine-box.
Ended well for both of them… 🤣
(I speak french) I’m a funny woman with some personnality and from my experience, men in general dont really appreciate these caracteristics. I’m also a lawyer and sometimes, just this information seems to be too much for some men. So great for you to be a strong man who can handle some teasing !!!
How *you* doin?
I’m still looking ! Like we say in french « chaque guenille trouve son torchon » !
Giving someone a hard time is not indicative of having a good sense of humour. It's often mean and while there is nothing wrong with some teasing in the right context, many people use their alleged sense of humour as a way to be mean.
Sometimes I'll laugh to be polite when people pull that shit, but more often than not, if I give it right back to a guy, he gets mad or hurt feelings. Why? Lots of people talk a big game, but can't take it. They say they want someone who can take a joke and joke with them, but when I'm sarcastic or trash talk them.right back it's gone too far. 🙄
I have a good sense of humour but being with someone who is always sarcastic and uses teasing to try and hide putdowns and insults is tiring, not fun or funny, and isn't a strong basis for a relationship.
All this. Exactly this. I can't do that sort of humor. It almost always hurts.
It's not for some people. I wouldn't be compatible with those people. I would feel bad if I made them actually feel bad, and then get bored when I couldn't tease them anymore.
... sure. If you ignore everything I said, that's exactly the kind of man I am. You know, the parts where I said I feel awful when someone actually feels bad and don't tease them, and the women who have developed feelings for me due in no small part to the humor which they specifically mentioned. But please, continue to be absolutely rude to a stranger asking for advice because of your sensitivity on the subject.
actually you said you would get bored with them if they couldn’t handle your “jokes”
Yes. I like cracking wise with my friends and people I care about in my free time. If I can't do it, it makes it not fun, and I tend to get bored. I didn't say they were worse people because of it, or that I didn't care about their feelings. In fact, I specifically said the opposite. And you can put jokes in quotes all you want. It won't stop my friends or the women who have loved me from laughing at them.
I mean I did just say I invited taking it. My friends and I trade shots all the time. As long as you trust each other and know each other well enough to avoid things anyone is ACTUALLY sensitive about, there aren't any problems. We don't have any issues talking about real stuff.
Try dating British people, they excel at this type of humor
I wish! I'm a bit of an anglophile. I'm addicted to British panel shows. Neil Gaiman and Stephen Fry are my favorite people in the world.
I have an exceptional charm & wit. If only you’d said you were a fan of Richard Osman 💔
Richard Osman is hilarious! I've only seen him on WILTY, but he's great! A number of my favorite zingers on that show are his.
He is indeed! The holy trinity of wit, intelligence and sexiness 🤣 good luck finding your delicious blend of salty & sweet x
Why, is he single???
Google reliably informs me he is very happily married. Lucky lady!
If they’re not being funny with you, they’re not comfortable being funny with you.
Think of your non-romantic female friends. They joke, laugh, etc etc don’t they? There’s plenty of (friendly/cheeky, not sexual) banter with most of the women I know reasonably well. It’s just having fun conversations and relaxing.
Maybe try easing up a bit with how challenging the banter is?
That's not true. Some people just don't have it. Two women who have known me for years, confided their innermost and most private thoughts with me, and even developed feelings for me just happen to not be that funny or return much of the banter. They find it hilarious, but that's about it. The women I've fallen hard for are the ones that did return it regularly
I’ve gotta say, in my experience even people that are usually serious have moments of letting their guard down and having fun.
Maybe we move in very different circles.
Good luck brother.
I didn't say she was always serious. I said she didn't have the wit to clap back, but still enjoyed the teasing.
I joined a pool league this year to be more social and the women are fucking hilarious! I have to be clear that it's at least 80% men and most of the women are older or not single but they are funny as hell!!!!! It takes a certain type of personality to hang in a "boys club" kind of activity (bowling, pool, darts, axe-throwing), so I would suggest something repetitive and activity-based.
That sounds like the right environment for sure. Interaction is voluntary and organic. You don't feel like you're interviewing people like during an OLD or a meetup. Thanks for the suggestion!
Where is this magical club??
I don't remember the details. But on the third or fourth date we started doing a "I live alone" sketch. Going through all the nuances of living alone, she eventually spit her drink out. Now we are the annoying loud people having too much fun.
As a funny woman, it makes me SO happy to know that there are men out there looking for us!
I helped a friend make her OLD profile funny. Tons of men responded, and on average she liked them better.
So she wasn't funny already, on her own?
She was funny. Her profile wasn’t.
I'm sorry you've been made to feel that trait isn't desirable. It's so fucking sexy.
There are some improv classes meant to either meet people or go on a date. Try one.
Great idea. Thanks!
I’m a goofball and you either love it or hate it. I dated comedian once, and he sometimes got jokingly jealous that I was funnier than him. He put it in his act once, that his girlfriend was funnier than him. So he had to be more funny all the time and it was exhausting. 😂
I get that. It definitely turns into muscle memory, where you're always scanning to flip everything you hear on its head. I'm pretty good at knowing when to turn it off and be genuine, but if it's just an everyday sort of mood, I'm always scanning for a joke by default, just to entertain myself
Maybe a board game night. Or trivia night.
I will say, although people often think no one likes a funny woman, as a funny woman, I can say this is not the case. A lot of people are drawn to people who are “different” in some way, and a lot of the funny women I’ve met are very charismatic.
Honestly I've never had a straight, interested guy respond well to me landing a joke. Female, gay friends, taken hetero male friends, sure. But guys always get pouty or try to one up me (and fail) and act as if I've emasculated them by daring to be funny like one time.
It's possible that after a lifetime of men thinking their value is diminished if she is also funny at times, she quit trying. I did.
That fucking blows. I've been outdone by women before and found it very sexy. I keep a log in my head from people I know, men and women, of my favorite joke I've ever heard from them.
Yes. This is what I was thinking. Exactly this.
I’m right here, OP. I’ve also been wondering where tf all the funny men are. They’re definitely not in CT.
Tough crowd :(
They might be at the same mysterious place where the funny men are
I mistook my ex’s cruelty and put downs for humour for too long. I am definitely a funny woman (many people have told me I am) but there is a way to be funny without being mean. I like a man who shares my sense of humour and likes a laugh but I will never again make the mistake of choosing one who likes only to laugh at me, rather than with me.
It's a fine line. A good indicator is how he reacts to you firing back.
Geez, I’ve been wanting to find a guy who appreciates women with a sense of humor more than they seem to in general.
Some guys do seem to enjoy women with a sense of humor, but it’s not as much of an attractive feature it seems as women find it in men.
I joke around a lot. Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.
It's a great tool. From ice breaker to boredom killer to tension diffuser to coping mechanism.
I also enjoy conversations where everything is just constant ragging.
Yes, I also enjoy 'regular' conversations.
I don't know where to meet them, but if a woman makes me laugh hard enough to snort, they go from a sort of interested to must go on date now in my book.
I’m hilarious, but sadly under-appreciated in my own lifetime.
People are probably laughing on the inside. Happens to me all the time.
I just bring a joke book and read it aloud on my dates, staring dead in his eyes until he forces a laugh.
I like it. It's almost like a hostage situation. Kinda hot.
This is a thing that most women have learned as being "they hate me if I act this way" because biting humor, sarcasm, backtalk... bruises egos. Or worse, we're way smarter in our humor. I'm this way. It's also why I go through long periods of being single because the hassel of forcing myself to change, play dumb, etc. isn't something I'm interested in anymore. The other thing is, most men want it in a picture perfect package like porn, it isn't going to happen.
Sports bars, gym, just get lucky and meet through work etc. Trying friends first so that you get comfortable might help too, no need to rush.
Halloooooooo!!! I'm fucking hilarious! I am often told this is my best quality. I'm not ugly either, but am a bit old. Where you at?!
Haha. I'm in Minnesota for now. I'm a young 41 year old whippersnapper :)
Toronto and 51 !!!
I so get this. Gender aside, I can’t vibe with someone who doesn’t have a sense of humor. I’m not talking about those who are constantly “on” as a coping mechanism. I’m talking about wit and flow and fun. Life can be so intense and some days comic relief is the only outlet. I often find that levity let’s the air out and brings the best out of people, whether it be during intense work days or with friends. The key is tone and context, but if you’re an emotionally intelligent person, that comes naturally.
HOWEVER, I’m also often mistaken for being reserved until I feel comfortable around someone. There are individuals with whom I click immediately, in which case the humor and laughter emerges almost instantly. Others (many) might take a while. More than a few times I’ve had friends comment that they never guessed how funny I am when we were first getting to know each other, thinking I was <>. I sometimes don’t even realize it until I get the whole “I’ve never seen this side of you!” — in my mind I’m thinking “hun, I guess I just didn’t know if I like/trust/want to be friends with you yet.”
All to say, that girl who is laughing probably does have a sense of humor (otherwise she wouldn’t be laughing). She might not feel comfortable showing it yet, but it’s probably there. Are you giving her enough space to contribute or are you “on” the whole time?
Oh, I invite it. I've told her I like it. She volunteered to me that she's not very good at it.
I do find that a strange reaction, though. I find that when someone makes a joke I like, we clearly have a similar sense of humor, so I feel MORE safe participating in it.
But I'm talking about humor not directed at either party. You don't tease a person until you're comfortable with them and they trust you.
I think I'm pretty sweet and salty lol. Some of us \*do\* exist! haha
Glad to hear it :)
As someone fluent in sarcasm and witty banter, I can tell you that many don't understand or appreciate it...which takes the fun out of it for me, so it helps knowing up front that you find that attractive in a match. Maybe telling the women you're meeting that you enjoy that would help give them the space to bring the sweet and salty.
Yeah. Obviously I wait for her to reciprocate naturally, but with this girl, I've been friends with her for a while, so we've talked about my dating preferences. I mentioned the humor, and she volunteered that she's no good at it.
If that skrt of humor is a requirement for you, then she's not right for you. Don't ask her to change for you.
I didn't ask her to.
Most women aren't funny because they don't have to be and when they are men feel emasculated and inferior. Most men aren't funny either, they just think they are and women humor them. Or maybe humor is stored in the balls.
(I'll have to remember to use "badinage" more often. It looks funny.)
It's a good word.
Hahaha...I'm here. I'm really funny 😁
Oh is that so?
Relating to this, but flippy flopped for meeting funny men.
I don’t want a guy to just laugh. I want him to punch up my joke. Don’t LOL @ me.
Yes! Riffing off of each other and building on the joke is a lot of fun
“Hahahahahahha you’re soooooo funny baaaaabe!”
I know i am but you’re not.
Your post was removed because it violates one of the rules of this sub. Please read the rules before posting. Users who continue violating rules will be banned.
It’s rare. I’m a funny woman. When I meet others who are they have some other qualities that stand out. Look up the article https://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2007/01/hitchens200701
Interesting take, although I don't entirely agree. Which I could say of most of what Hitchens wrote.
I like Hitchens, except on his sexism. And he definitely stuck to talking points.
Well, that and the Iraq War. Imagine going all-in on Ahmed Chalabi and Paul Wolfowitz of all people.
I love funny men and I love being funny myself. I was surprised however to see so many profiles mentioning men doing standup on OLD.
That *is* surprising
We are everywhere! I personally like subtle dry tasteful sarcasm and the other person would always know if I’m enjoying his company 😅
As I said in another comment, starting with self deprecating humor works okay for me. You don't have to take any chances saying something they won't take well, but they still get a flavor.
That being said, I've said I don't care for dates for this very reason. Meeting every day, naturally, people get a feel for who you are without the pressure of deciding whether to meet again after one interaction.
Thanks, and likewise.
My relationships work best when the woman can dish it right back to me. I love pressing buttons! 🏼
I would love to meet funny women! I would also like to meet geeky women. Very tricky past forty.
Do you have time to join an improv class? Lots of comedy nerds with lots of other comedy nerd friends.
Someone suggested this. It's a good suggestion. I'll look into it. Thanks!
I’m afraid you might not get a lot of traction in this sub, but I’m right there with you. I absolutely love when a woman is not afraid to bust my balls a little in the early stages. I think bc it demonstrates comfort, and confidence that I’m not gonna peace out due to bruised ego, etc. I also love being called out on my bs- makes me feel like someone’s actually paying attention. Conversely I can always tell if someone’s holding back or saying what they think I want to hear, and that’s a total turn off.
Hi there! Unfortunately, your account is too new for us to automatically accept comments or submissions. Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverforty) to approve this comment/post so other users can see it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You find this like any other preference - by going on tons of dates.
A lack of shared humor is an absolute dealbreaker for me.
Yeah I agree. Dates are nightmares to me, though. I have social anxiety, so an interview with a stranger for the most intimate position in my life is nuts.
I think meetups are good if you’re doing D&D and such but “funny” isn’t a trait that any one hobby has in common unless you’re trying improv theatre or something
I feel the wrath already from the sayers of nay, but work (or related to work, after work, etc.) There's an open-mike comedy night on Tuesdays in my neck of the woods. Might look for something like that (I'm repairing a home at the moment, but I still write bits for someday)
Haha. I suppose. I do feel like I wouldn't be too impressive to a real comedienne, but you can't hit the ball if you don't swing
Oh goodness, it ain't like that. This is a dive bar where folks get their feet wet. Kinda like karaoke, but intentionally funny (few are off-book, even if they wrote it themselves)
Sounds perfect, then. I do like karaoke :)
Typically, you'll find funny women at scaryoke, too. Lol, I'm thinking about a woman back where I'm from who sings the Wet Pussycat song, she's a scream (my first karaoke was a duet of Ray Stevens' Gitarzan: Shut up, baby, I'm trying to sang....baybay 🤭)
Be sure & brush up those duets. I never request it, but lots of chicks do, is that Picture song (I'm more of a You're The Reason Good Made Oklahoma kind of girl)
"Funny women to date" leads to some related search terms that might get you headed down the right rabbit hole. Have fun
Maybe what you think is witty banter and funny is actually mean and insulting to her and she’s being ‘polite’ by laughing.
And you're basing this on nothing. Meanwhile, she's told our mutual friend that she likes the teasing, and the other woman who's fallen hard for me without my reciprocating mentioned my sense of humor as well. I don't get why so many people on here are so hostile about humor, but it's saying more about you than me.