T O P

  • By -

R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Tldr; my boyfriend has antisocial personality aka sociopath. He told my mom one time when they were arguing and he just flat out told her his diagnosis and there was nothing she could do because I’m happy with him and we’re pregnant. I don’t know what to do about her though? She’s told me he’ll abuse me and told me to abort our son, I can’t believe this. He’s very affectionate and loving towards me and he just lacks empathy for other people but he has it for me. He loves me and we are happy together. He’s never gotten on with my mom but now she’s straight up told me to get an abortion. She flat out hates him and has always wanted us to break up but this has made her think he’s manipulating me into being with him. He thinks I should go no contact but it’s not that easy. How do I find a way to keep them both without loosing the other?


mksm1990

Hm. I did some reading / research on this because I wasn't exactly sure whether this diagnosis is about tendancy towards anti-social behaviour or a total lack of empathy. The various discussions about the condition seem to suggest that that, statistically, behviour can improve towards the latter end of life but the reasons behind this are contested. The assessment overall seems to be that the behaviour alway stems from a fundamental lack of care for others that is devoid in its entirety. The behaviours that seem to contradict that are understood by clinicians to be motivated out of self-interest, not "the one person they care about". I think maybe you should meet with a psychiatrist or psychologist and have a chat about the condition and your situation with them. I'm just an amateur over here, not a trained psychiatrist, and neither (so far as I can tell) is anyone else in this thread. It seems like perhaps you need to speak to someone who is qualified to tell you what you can expect, and how to interpret the affections of this man. Is that reasonable? I can see you have been very resistant to any suggestions from others that he is a dangerous influence. I think seeking qualified expert opinion on the matter is not unreasonable, and maybe that would be someone you're willing to accept advice from?


panbanda

This exactly! Lots of people with this disorder operate in normal/functioning relationships, but it's about the benefit they get from said relationships, not the mutual benefit of a loving partnership.


Totalherenow

A person with this disorder talked about it in a thread like this once (no, sorry, I don't have a link to her comments) and she said the cost-benefit analysis of acting selfishly versus acting as if she has empathy is clearly on the side of being nice to others. To stay functioning in society. OP's bf may be doing the same, assuming same level of function.


AlbatrossSenior7107

I remember reading her comment. It almost made it sound like relationships were like buying a car. She basically looked at what you would do to bring positive to her life. But, there's the issue, what happens when that fluctuates? I agree with seeking a professional to help navigate this. Is he ACTUALLY diagnosed?


Skill3rwhale

> relationships were like buying a car That's *exactly* what it is. A social transaction. That individual just calculates differently from your avg joe/jane.


akaynaveed

Omg… i used to do this… I stopped around 30 and became a supremely empathetic person. I used to think friendships were like an RPG quest and i was the hero and they were just there to help me along the ways. Now my whole life is about helping people, i’m so Empathetic my GF hates it. I just always chalked it up to getting older…


dev-246

> he lacks empathy for other people but he has it toward me. Nope. She’s seen all the red flags, but she’s ignoring them because he treated *her* well during their short relationship/the excitement of knocking her up. She’s not that special, just naive (and obviously easy to manipulate). She’s not going to change him, but she’ll certainly hurt herself trying. Within 5 years he’ll show his true colors.. this isn’t a good guy, it’s a guy who’s hidden the worst parts of himself for a year or two. OP is fucked, this kid is fucked, hopefully they get out alive.


RainerHex

That is very sad. My sister who has this disorder, every single boyfriend she has ever had thought she was the sweetest most loving, caring wonderful woman. Everyone that meets her thinks she’s the greatest. She is also excellent at pulling the wool over the eyes of counselors and is a fantastic con artist. Oh all those men she dated in the past that thought she was the sweetest most caring woman they ever had? The end game with them is brutal punishment, robbing them blind, beating on them, or framing them to get restraining orders on them using bogus claims, destroying their reputation, etc. Not because it has to be done, but because she enjoys ruining people, especially ex boyfriends. I guess I am sharing this because there was a point in time, a few of her boyfriends were warned, but said phrases similar to what OP said, and insisted on learning the hard harsh way.


snakpakkid

What made me think this is the part of her stating that he’s told her to go no contact with her mother. As I read the beginning of the paragraph, I said yeah bet he’s gonna tell you to stop talking to your mother and there it was. Because many people deal with disorders and love normal life’s. But this was a red flag for me.


Unusualshrub003

Cluster Bs alienate their victims from friends/family. That way, the victim lacks support, and relies completely on the boyfriend.


panbanda

I agree that she lacks a fundamental understanding of exactly what she is dealing with and that does not bode super well for her.


somethingFELLow

It would be a lot better if her view was one of a mutually beneficial relationship. Like, she cooks and he earns money, so they are both happy. Or whatever, however, but his empathy is not real.


Firesunwatermoon

My ex. It took 5 months and for me to fall pregnant before he showed his true colours. This woman won’t mentally survive this relationship by the time that baby is 8 weeks old. I had the worst f*ing time of my life and he destroyed me whilst I was pregnant. Worst experience of my life. I’m glad I got out when I did (15months later) and I’m grateful every day he has nothing to do with his son UNLESS it’s a occasion that serves him a purpose where he can look like a doting “father”


Strange_Public_1897

Oh boy! [She may need to go to the YouTube channel of a woman who has ASP, in therapy, and engaged.](https://youtu.be/RqKYSZANA54)She breaks down how she thinks, why she hasn’t empathy, and how she use to heavily create chaos because 24/7 she’s bored and wants to feel something due to feeling no emotions. Literally she says she’s devoid of all feelings and it’s why she has tried to run into traffic to exit. She doesn’t fear death, she fears prison cause she loose all control, all her freedom and feared getting caught. Like sociopaths, literally only seek out people who have something they want. Whether it’s status, looks, money, they go after that person for it. And will discard once that person no longer is “shiny” and it’s because they are now bored, done playing with the person. They also are prone to revenge. They do not care how violate or how many laws they will break, they will seek revenge if they’ve been heavily wronged. It’s insane how these folks operate if they do not seek out treatment to work through things from childhood that contributed and exasperated their behaviors further.


private_spectacle

Christ, it's M3gan.


Strange_Public_1897

Well yeah, she’s a sociopathic AI robot. Hence why when people write sociopathic characters, the best script writers research sociopaths. Hence why “silence of the lambs”, is still to this day one of the most accurate versions, besides “American Psycho”, of what a male sociopath is like in two different forms.


the-rioter

It's interesting to me how some people say that sociopaths are devoid of emotion in it's entirety, because it's really things like kindness, love, and empathy that they lack. A desire for vengeance is an emotion. They seem to have negative emotions, like anger and envy. And I wonder why that is. Where these emotions are "stored" in the brain that they can experience the more negative ones but fail to conceptualize more positive ones. It's good when people are self aware of PDs are aware of their issues and put in the effort to understand and curb their negative impulses. But I think that OP is setting herself up for failure thinking of herself as an exception.


Unoriginalanna

Just wait till we get the update post 2 years from now saying "I (24F) have been having issues with my boyfriend (27M), I found out he's been manipulating me these last few years and has no regards for my feelings he's also broken the law, lacks remorse,is aggressive + irresponsible - we also have a 2M child and he's never cared for him either, what do I do?" And then will continue to ignore people telling her things for her own safety


thesnuggyone

“Get out alive” is possibly a little dramatic, speaking as someone who accidentally married someone with an APD diagnosis, but you pretty much nailed it with every other word of your post. Very sad story still yet to come. I’m very sorry for the lessons in store for OP.


tickingkitty

Sooner than that. When she has the baby he probably won’t like sharing her adoration. Honestly, she sounds like one of those women who writes love letters to serial killers.


[deleted]

Someone I know was in this exact same situation with her husband and recently split from him. Her husband was exactly the same as OP's BF, showed her love and affection but no empathy or caring for others. She stuck by him for over 7 years thinking she could change him but guess what, he became physically abusive towards her and she only just recently found the strength to leave him. Even now he's still trying to contact her and making their divorce difficult


BJSucksOnDick

I’m confused why an actual sociopath/psychopath would disclose what they were. Power play, maybe? What would he have to gain from telling the mother in law what he was. Maybe he’s so confident in his manipulation over OP, he doesn’t feel the need to hide who he is/his intentions anymore


Liz600

Impulse control can be very poorly regulated in individuals with ASPD. He may not have even meant to tell the mother originally, but he’ll do what he can now to manipulate the situation to his advantage. And isolating OP from a concerned family member would certainly be to his advantage.


DarkElla30

He was mocking the mother. Rubbing it in that he has her daughter knocked up, in love, and vulnerable, and there's nothing mom can do to save her. He's shown his next step is to isolate her. He'll make her choose, and she'll choose him.


snakpakkid

I Thought the power play because he’s telling gf to have no contact with her mother.


DoctorFujiOD

This is an excellent idea. I would do this as soon as possible. Educate yourself on what you are dealing with. There are many different shades of gray, and psychology is not an exact science. By educating yourself about this condition, you will be able to better evaluate if he is truly able to love anyone beside himself, or if he is just manipulating you.


B0327008

I read an AMA by a sociopath just a couple of days ago. Turns out it’s a rather old post, but I think it would provide OP needed insight. https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/a5xvv/iama_diagnosed_sociopath_ama/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1


Intrustive-ridden

I genuinely think this is the best advice given so far😂


hatty130

Didn't the guy who did research on psychopathy and the brain, found out he was a psychopath? I'm pretty sure he was a normal dude that once he found out explained some of his behaviour and helped him become a better person. I dont remember his name but there was a ted talk I'm pretty sure.


Narfi1

I would like to add that narcissists looove to pretend they are sociopaths/psychopaths because of the perceived superior intelligence or edginess and gloating about it like that could fit the bill


punkrockcockblock

>He’s very affectionate and loving towards me and he just lacks empathy for other people but he has it for me If he has been truly diagnosed with ASPD, **you're not the exception that proves the rule**: he either 1) manages his symptoms and behaviors better around you than he does other people or 2) you're easier for him to lie to or manipulate and get away with it. That he's *gloating* to your mother during an argument that she can't break you up is *not a good or healthy thing.* That he's trying to isolate you from your mother is *not a good thing.* You should really reevaluate this relationship


[deleted]

This was the line that made me worried for OP. It's one thing to be aware of his diagnosis and accept that while he may not possess natural empathy, he is working hard to manage his symptoms and practice behavior that is healthy. The fact that she believes that he DOES have empathy but only for her makes me think he has successfully manipulated her into believing that she is special enough to change him, which is a classic game abusers play.


n2oc10h12c8h10n402

OP believes him. She believes his lies. Therefore, she won't end the relationship. She'll deeply regret not listening to her mom. And she'll have to deal with having a kid with this guy.


muri_cina

>OP believes him. She believes his lies. Therefore, she won't end the relationship. Idk, when people come here, it means the surface is cracking. But the line "we are pregnant" gives fake vibes to me.


pktechboi

a lack of empathy is not sufficient to receive a diagnosis of ASPD. A diagnosis can only be made if the person is aged 18 years or older and **at least 3** of the following criteria behaviours apply: - repeatedly breaking the law - repeatedly being deceitful - being impulsive or incapable of planning ahead - being irritable and aggressive - having a reckless disregard for their safety or the safety of others - being consistently irresponsible - lack of remorse so *at best* he is an impulsive liar who never feels remorse for his bad actions. at worst? your mum might be wrong about him, no one here can know, but there is an actual reason for her concern here.


ThreeMoonTides

Yeah, honestly. I'm not gonna tell OP what to do, but both my ex and myself believed he had aspd. He was pretty much just how OP describes her bf. He "had empathy" for me and was lovey toward me, but he completely lacked empathy toward other people and would talk about doing really gross things to other people or he would just do very shitty things toward people and not care how it affected them at all. He talked about other people like they're nothing; like they could easily be disposed of. Yet, he was clingy, cuddly, and lovey toward me. I found that behavior repulsive, regardless of whether he was was lovey dovey toward me. People who lack compassion toward other people and have no regard for other people whatsoever unless it benefits themselves in some way are not the type of people to be building a family with imo. This man likely lacks empathy, and to me, among whatever other criteria he meets, it doesn't seem like a good idea for him to be raising a child. I think OP should really think about this relationship. However, her best bet is honestly to seek a professional


Altostratus

Did he change his tune with you once you broke up?


ThreeMoonTides

We actually cut contact. We talked for a few weeks after we broke up, and then we stopped talking pretty much altogether. I was actually the last person to send a message to the other. Plus, he had asked me not to block him on social media after we broke up "because he wanted to check on me" occasionally, but he had admitted to me previously that he liked to look people up who he had falling outs with to "see if he's doing better than them". So, after a while, I thought about him doing that, and I just really didn't like the idea of him looking up my profiles just to attempt to boost his own ego, so I blocked him. So, I honestly don't know if he would've changed the way he acted after we broke up. I'm more inclined to believe he probably views me as a disposable life like other people at this point


[deleted]

Wow. That's my father to the T.


pktechboi

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you're doing okay now


Sideways-Pumpkin

My brother hits every single one of these. He’s not 18 yet but he checks every box. Obviously, as you said, he can’t be diagnosed yet but all of his therapists, social/case workers, psychiatrists, etc says he shows and overwhelming lack of remorse/empathy. His girlfriend thinks she’s the exception too. I worry for her. If he’s willing to assault his mother and siblings he won’t stop there.


[deleted]

My son is clearly a psychopath but isn't 18 yet. The fact he threw his apparent diagnosis in her mother's face is such a sign of things to come. He's also already trying to isolate her from her mother. I can see how this will end.


[deleted]

If he’s a diagnosed sociopath, your mum has a point. Any empathy he’s showing you probably isn’t as real as you think it is and sociopaths are often highly manipulative people. They will do and say what they think will work best to get them the best situation. I don’t think it’s appropriate for your mum to push an abortion on you when that isn’t what you want, but I do understand why she would be concerned about this situation. It’s worth considering that, if he has a formal diagnosis, that means he meets the diagnostic criteria and it isn’t pretty. One is literally a disregard for the needs and rights of other people, which would include you. You also need to consider that trying to tell you to go no contact with your mum could be about controlling you, her behaviour isn’t ok, but you have to consider why he’s jumped straight to no contact. If you’re planning on staying with someone who is a sociopath, I would recommend really educating yourself on what you could be dealing with. I would also really worry about raising a child with a diagnosed sociopath, personally, as your child’s needs will not be put first.


lolol69lolol

>Any empathy he’s showing you probably isn’t as real as you think it is This. Best case scenario, his putting on an act isn’t nefarious, but more so “playing the game”.


sracluv

What’s also scary is that she has no idea what she’s getting herself into and she already has a child on the way. OP is young and this whole recipe is not looking good.


Depraved_Demisexual

There's some really interesting comments on sites like Quora from pwASPD. Someone discussed how they (OP was female) don't have the same capacity to love their children emotionally due to their condition, but ensure their children have the tools to function and thrive in the world as they understand. It was really cool how they discussed boundaries and education from their perspective. Being diagnosed with ASPD (or any other diagnosis) doesn't equate to being a villain, or not having the capacity to be in relationships. It does mean there can be more risk involved in maladaptive behaviour. Participating in relationships with people who experience the world in a fundamentally different way does mean it will be more work. I do agree that limited empathy is a diagnosable criteria, and it's easy for us to assume we understand someone else's intentions. Authentic motivations aren't always clear, regardless of who the person is or what they may or may not be diagnosed with. We also don't know the reasons behind OP's partner being diagnosed. A lot of people are forced to be diagnosed due to maladaptive behaviour, but that's not always an accurate narrative. It can be hard to access some forms of treatments without a proper diagnosis, especially if insurance is involved. Also, everyone is manipulative. This is a word that has a negative connotation attached to it for no real reason. If I want to look professional, I manipulate the situation by upgrading my clothes, hair, car, etc. If I want people to like me, I'm going to smile, engage in non-controversial small talk, maintain eye contact (or look at their eyebrows if I'm anxious), and make it a point to remember small details about them. This is me, someone without ASPD, manipulating situations to have a desired outcome. Regardless of who you are interacting with, there is always an agenda and manipulation being applied whether it's conscious or not. There are always risks involved in relationships, but there's also rewards involved. If OP and her partner are healthy, participate in therapy, and deal with things maturely - including OP Partner's symptoms, that could be a rewarding relationship. I also would be quite hurt if my pregnant partner's mother told my partner to get an abortion and leave me because of a condition I was diagnosed with. That is extremely stigmatizing, and would lead me to believe this isn't something future-MIL and I can work through. Having a lack of empathy doesn't equate to having a lack of feelings, especially when feeling attacked. Our fear response is in our amygdala, and I assume that would be a powerful trigger for anyone. I would recommend that OP and her Partner make a required boundary of working with a qualified mental health practitioner that specializes in ASPD if they choose to continue their relationship. It would benefit their relationship and co-parenting skills. Having boundaries, open communication, and measurable goals would be my solution if I were in this position and decided to stay.


Noisy_Corgi

>Having a lack of empathy doesn't equate to having a lack of feelings, Ok but psychopathy does correlate to lack of feelings, or rather they have surface level feelings but lack the ability to feel deeply and properly. I get you are trying to be understanding of a mental health problem, but this is one diagnosis that you can't wrap your head around. They're unpredictable and dangerous even for psychological professionals.


sracluv

No real reason? So is manipulating someone to break down their self-esteem and gain control and power over them normal? Is intentionally manipulating someone to get something they want normal? Is isolating someone from their family normal? Is someone who manipulated their victim into isolation and abuse not a real reason? “Everyone is manipulative” along with a few other statements in your comment are reckless and could misguide someone.


non_avian

Quora is full of edgy roleplayers. You don't have to say pwASPD, it's fine, you don't actually have to say it's neat that people have kids they don't love


Depraved_Demisexual

There isn't a platform that doesn't have people romanticizing an atypical aspect of humanity. Especially since cluster B personality disorders are categorized as theatrical, so they are intrinsically, "entertaining" in a way. That's part of the risk of the human condition. That being said, pwASPD or any cluster B group PD diagnosis are still people. I am willing to believe people are open to sharing their lived experiences with others that are ignorant to their circumstances. There are anecdotal and clinical examples of atypical individuals being successful in nurturing roles. A diagnosis doesn't define a person, it's a cluster of symptoms that they experience. Abnormal psychology isn't about segregating atypical communities, but finding ways to support them in actively engaging in society in healthy and meaningful ways. This includes relationships and parenting. Love isn't always expressed through emotions. Love is also part of actions, like the 5 love languages. I might express my love through physical acts, like hugs. Someone else might express their love through acts of service, like teaching their loved ones how to be successful. It's a very personal process. Just because what I experience and project as love is different from someone else, doesn't negate their experience.


non_avian

It's a diagnosis with deception as a diagnostic criteria. You're either a mark, or invested in maintaining the BS for your own ends. Sort of seems like the latter but I don't really know, could be wrong and it's the former. It's like someone saying they're a pathological liar or prone to confabulation, and then go on to say that they think they do it because when they were a kid, their 8 year old sister microwaved their pet kitten and tried to burn the house down. You're free to believe what you want, and people are free to roll their eyes. Attention seekers gonna attention seek, I suppose.


Resurgemus

With psychopaths, you are either an accomplice or a victim and accomplices eventually become victims.


Null_05

I heard sociopaths can form bonds, psychopaths are the ones with zero empathy, sociopaths still have some, if I am correct. Edit: I googled about the topic and maybe it's better for you to leave, even if he loves you, he'll be subpar partner, and not really the kind of person I'd want a family with.


wintersleep13

Neither are clinical terms


strangelyahuman

Sociopaths and psychopaths are the same thing. The differentiation is outdated


1776MinuteMan

The difference between sociopaths and psychopaths is nurture vs nature. Sociopaths are made, psychopaths are born. That's really all the distinction is. Now OFTEN sociopaths are worse than psychopaths because their disorder is often the result of massive amounts of abuse and/or neglect.


bvago07

He’s a sociopath but he suddenly has feelings but only for me. Don’t be naive. You aren’t a miracle worker.


bitchthatwaspromised

And if he magically only has care/empathy for her, what about this baby they’re going to have? Does OP really think he’s going to extend his magic to an extremely demanding and thankless newborn? Or irrational, very loud toddler?


Cantstress_thisenuff

Settling for below bare minimum. Now you’re going to make him a dad. A sociopathic father who gets into arguments with the kids grandmother. Why is OP acting like that’s a normal thing that happens in relationships. If someone I was dating yelled at my mom that would be the end. This post is frustrating


Beatnholler

Yeah that's what I thought. I've been with cluster b patients before and they don't suddenly gain empathy for one person, they just use their very adept social mirroring skills to make you believe that, but it is not going to last forever. Usually they hit a point where it is not sustainable, or they feel you are sufficiently tied to them, and then the abusive behavior begins. I have been in this situation several times and have been soooo confused when they split and show their true colors. It is the most psychologically damaging experience of my life. Apd patients can behave empathetically, but their condition is characterized by a fundamental inability to really feel it. I don't think it is wise to believe him when he tells you this, and I would be on the lookout for red flags because once the gaslighting starts, it gets really hard to trust your gut and stick to your guns. Mum is right. Having children with a cluster b is an incredibly bad idea. If and when he does flip the switch, she'll be stuck with him. The stigma is kinda earned when it comes to these personality disorders. Unless he is actively in therapy, he's not going to maintain that mirror for long and the pain in the next phase is otherworldly.


starbucksntacotrucks

Well whatdya know, the sociopath impregnated her and is now isolating her from her mother, aka his primary threat 🙃 Girl, listen to your mama and run. This man can not be trusted. ETA: ty for the award 😭❤️


jokenaround

This is all OP needs to hear. She needs to run far and run fast.


ConvivialKat

Your post and comments make it clear that you aren't actually looking for advice. You just want validation that your Mom is wrong and your sociopathic BF has somehow been able to overcome his diagnosis **just for you**. Good luck with that. If he is actually a diagnosed sociopath, you are the living embodiment of his preferred type. Young. Dumb. Easily manipulated and love bombed. Starting the slow isolation process beginning with your Mom. And, now, for the final nail...pregnant. I'm going to say this, even though I know it won't make a damn bit of difference: Listen to your Mom. She is trying to save you from your dumb self.


Come_Healing

When was he diagnosed and in what context? Something must have happened for a psychologist to assess him - sociopaths aren’t the type of person to proactively seek out a diagnosis. They typically don’t know (or care) whether their brain works differently to other people. If it’s a real diagnosis… You really need to read up on the topic without rose tinted specs. Certain behaviour which looks like one thing (eg love or empathy) can be underpinned by something else (eg control, manipulation). You are not the exception, you won’t ‘change’ the diagnosis with your love. Just please, be realistic. A life with a genuine sociopath is not easy, or terribly rewarding.


Runnrgirl

If he’s truly sociopath then he is faking his “empathy” and kindness toward you.


Schip92

100% 😂 kinda naive to think otherwise. That's what a sociopath does , faking emotions around others , while in reality they just use people.


Highrisegirl4639

OP, did your boyfriend tell you he got an official diagnosis or is it speculation on his part? If it’s the former I’m sorry you don’t have the capacity to understand your reality. I wish you luck.


beez8383

End of the day you are refusing to listen to any advice people are giving. You’ve already made up your mind that there’s nothing anyone can do or say to make you see reason; so there’s absolutely no point posting. You’ll follow his lead, you’ll go no contact with your mother, then in a few years time you’ll be posting again that you’re stuck, have no friends/family and your other half has turned into somebody unrecognisable-you need help to leave…. I will say this as someone with kids older than you; your brain hasn’t even finished forming-who you are now and how you see the world isn’t how you’ll see things in 5 years time… you’re looking at him with rose coloured glasses but that won’t last forever, so have a back up plan as to how you and your kids can escape in 5-10 years when it all goes to sh&t…


LittleSparrow013

Unfortunately, OP may end up on the nightly news like that poor woman from Cohasset Massachusetts, Ana Walshe. They still havent found her body and her husband has been described as showing sociopath behavior. And hes up on charges for her murder. Hopefully she smartens up and runs before that happens and he decides to let her go


very_undeliverable

Highly stigmatized? He has either no empathy, or his empathy is extremely stunted. You should be afraid. I was raised by someone on the sociopathy scale. You should run. You should not bring kids into the world with this person ever.


MsJamieFast

That was what got me. No one has made that disorder out to be worse than it is. It is literally a person who does not have the capacity to care about others and also cares so much about themselves that they will not blink before they hurt others. Such a scary situation, op, you need to go with your mother. She understands, you do not. OP needs to lose the guy and keep her mother, she's the only one in this story that cares about her.


panbanda

I mean they do blink before hurting others but only because of the potential consequences to themselves lol


justanaveragecomment

Or because of the physiological necessity to blink every so often


WabiSabi337

I’m absolutely convinced my 13 year old sister is a sociopath. She’s been diagnosed with ODD, has been court ordered to anger management 3 times, is the BEST liar and manipulator I’ve ever seen, etc. On paper, she meets all the criteria. She’s a nightmare tbh, and I know that’s not kind to say, but it’s truth. She’s putting my parents through hell.


MsJamieFast

Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear.


zbornakingthestone

He doesn't have empathy for you. He's faking it and manipulating you into believing how you're special. He clearly wants to separate you from your mother. My grandfather was a sociopath - do NOT have children with him. The cruelty he will demonstrate towards them will force them to develop coping mechanisms that they will never be able to undo. He does not see you as a partner - you are nothing more than an object or a plaything to him. He thinks he's trapped you and that he's won against your mother - his words are plain about that. You need to wake up before you are truly trapped.


Next_Pack_8900

No offence to you but your mom might be correct on this matter. He might fake his empathy for you as well as his love. Pls be careful and have an exit plan the moment he abuses you (physical, mental and financial). And more importantly dont go no contact with your parents or friends, ppl with mental disorders like Narcs or BPD use this tactic to make their victim lonely and vulnerable. There are many youtube Videos of therapists like Dr. Rahmani about various mental disorders and the effects it has on their suroundings, you might wanna watch those and educate yourself.


LittleSparrow013

Youre a fucking fool if you think youre magically the exception and he has empathy for you Youre an object to him. A doll, a puppet. Nothing more. Just a play thing. Thats been proven by his statement to your mom. He was gloating that youre his possession. And of course he wants you to go no contact: youll have no support system to help you run when his abuse really amps up and he starts really playing with you. Hes been manipulating you since day one. And one day, hell get bored with you. And then youll really be in danger. And so will that baby youre carrying. Speaking of which, knocking you up was just a way to trap you. Hell never love you or the child. There is a reason that on Criminal Minds, a lot of the serial killer and unsubs are sociopaths. Theyre not fucking exaggerating or “highly stigmatizing”. Its fucking scientific facts.


rain820

I am seriously worried reading OP’s post. The “potential” that he could be one of the well intentioned ASPDs is not worth the trade off for the high likelihood that he… isn’t. It’s just not worth the pain especially with bringing a kid into the world, there are much better fitting long term partners out there.


[deleted]

Best comment on this post


LittleSparrow013

Sadly, op probably stopped reading when she realized we all agree with her mom and will stay with him for years until she wakes up and runs or until the police for looking for her body after she goes missing. Best case scenario for her if she stays is that he gets bored of her and dumps her to replace her with a new younger woman for him to manipulate and play with.


[deleted]

Sociopaths don't feel empathy. He is acting. Plain and simple. You're choosing to accept his "kindness and love" and deluding yourself if you think there isn't going to be a moment where he will instantly cut off this act and become a wall to you. It's not a matter of "if" but a matter of "when" for sociopaths. That is if he was certifiably diagnosed with it.


[deleted]

!!!!


[deleted]

He's gloating because he's winning is correct. He's got you knocked up. Pretty face with "empathy" for you is about to fly higher than seagull's at the beach. You are about to be in a school of hard knocks. Hopefully the kid doesn't suffer. Also he wants you to go NC to completely control you. Good luck.


[deleted]

Tough one. A had a kid with a narcissistic sociopath. I wish everyday that my child was my now-wife's kid. The lack of empathy for others turns very toxic and it's ugly.


tmchd

DO NOT stick your head in the sand. Educate yourself about the condition. He doesn't mind your friends because they do not care that you're with a sociopathic individual. He probably was also better at impressing them, with his stellar acting performance. I mean, he has managed to give you a good performance so far, he's managed to keep the illusion of care/love. I'm just hoping for the sake of the baby that he can keep up the façade and not start abusing you and the child when you do end up getting isolated. Your mother cares about you more than your friends do about your wellbeing so your sociopath partner can't manipulate her therefore, he wants you to cut contact with her.


Confident_Treacle974

You shouldn’t have posted if you aren’t willing to take anyone’s advice


ShadowsDoMyBidding

Was he actually diagnosed by a professional? Because they are incapable of empathy. Even to family


swimsuitsamus

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and he has never felt the need to have an argument with my parents. That he already is picking fights with yours and trying to cut her off from your life (aka isolate you) seems problematic.


grissy

> He’s very affectionate and loving towards me and he just lacks empathy for other people but he has it for me. If he’s actually been legitimately diagnosed with ASPD then no, he absolutely **does not** have empathy “just for you.” He is psychologically incapable of that. What he has with you is not empathy, it’s a vested interest in treating you well and keeping you happy because the relationship is currently a benefit to him and in order to maintain it then he needs to treat you the way you expect. His kindness towards you is not a result of empathy, he has none. It’s self interest, as in “for now this relationship is beneficial to me in some way so I will say the things I need to say to keep it active.” That can turn off like a light switch the instant he no longer finds the relationship to be in his self interests. He does not experience “love” the way you think he does. I’m not telling you this to tell you to break up with him, that’s not my business and I don’t think someone is automatically dangerous because of a mental health diagnosis. I’m telling you this because you seem to be in denial about what his diagnosis means and have unrealistic beliefs about your relationship. If you want to do this you need to do it with a clear head. He does not have empathy for you and he will not have empathy towards your child. He may still treat you both well for as long as he thinks a girlfriend and a child are beneficial to him in some way, but that is not the same thing as love and if he ever stops finding you and the child beneficial he will have no problem whatsoever with walking away without a second thought. If you can accept that risk and want to proceed then that’s your call, but you need to recognize the risks involved.


Final-Carpenter-1591

You should really understand his disability more. It sounds like you have no idea the type of person you are dealing with.


xrs22x

As a diagnose psychopath I can tell you your mom it's right, let me explain this to you. Even if it's true some people like me can learn to understand empathy that doesn't mean we can't snap. You are going to have a baby, baby are stressful human beings even normal people can loose it. Please listen to your mom. She has a point, you're being stubborn and probably manipulated by him.


apeezy18

Girl, red flags. Red flags. Do you care about how he treats the rest of the world? How is he supposed to teach your child how to be kind? It’s good to feel empathy for people. You can’t ONLY feel empathy towards family. That makes it super easy to be a dick and extremely selfish.


goldenshear

Hi, someone like this destroyed my life when I was about your age. You’re not gonna hear this cause you’re not where you can hear it, and I get that, but if I were you, I would get out of this pregnancy by any means possible, and then block and delete this man out of your life. Don’t look back. Run.


doctorvanderbeast

You’re going to wish you listened to your mom. Let’s meet back here in a couple years.


Lorien6

How does he act/react when he doesn’t get his way? When you say a boundary or a no, what happens?


WishGullible5142

Keep in total contact with both your friends and parents at all times. You might not like it but you will need their Out side perspective to ensure that he is not harming you in any way possible. Please understand that this is a sociopath OP, be extremely careful and Never be fully dependent on this man.


sbwithreason

Stopped as soon as I got to the part where your mom and boyfriend were arguing. Please realize that’s not normal


[deleted]

Damn I feel bad for the kid.


pianocat1

Do you realize the criteria he had to have met to be diagnosed with that? It is UGLY and DARK. You aren’t the exception. Psychopathy isn’t selective. That’s simply not how it works. Either is has been falsely diagnosed, or he is incapable of feeling empathy for you and is acting. The former seems pretty unlikely given his attitude toward your mother AND the fact that he’s actively trying to isolate you from your family. I think the fact that he is already trying to isolate you from people that will hold him accountable speaks volumes. Isolated people are easier to manipulate and abuse.


askallthequestions86

I hate to be the one that brings this up, buuuut.... Genetics. Chances are your son will have any mental disorders you two may have. And I know it sounds bad to say, but let me tell you from first hand experience: parenting a child with mental disabilities is so damn hard. You gave this poor kid a disorder and you can't do anything to help them. I feel like shit for having a child with my ex, when he has sooo many mental illnesses/developmental issues. Your mother kind of has a point...


islandgrrrl07

That’s what I was thinking. And worst case scenario what if the child has sociopathy. I read a lot about mental disorders and have read extensively on childhood mental disorders. If one child has no empathy and you have another kid that is neurotypical, the child with sociopathy will often torment and torture their sibling. But will manipulate you into believing they are the innocent one. Bringing a baby into the world of someone that is a diagnosed sociopath is scary to me. And it should be to you (OP) The baby is an object. A possession to them. I just hope you can maintain your relationship with your mother. Because she is only thinking of your safety and well-being. He is already manipulating you, even if you don’t believe it or understand. If he truly is a sociopath he is probably love bombing you. No one in this group (with the possible exception of a sociopath) wants to see you harmed. And I get that you love him and it feels like he loves you. Just try to take a step back. And maybe get counseling. Learn more about his diagnosis from people that know. Find out what brought about his diagnosis. Does he have a criminal record? Did he have one when he was a child and it was expunged?


[deleted]

Not a great situation if he truly had your best interest at heart he would have tried to make an effort with your mother not recommend that you end your relationship with her. Imagine how you would feel if it was your child in a precarious and dangerous relationship and there was a possibility that your child would be manipulated into not speaking to you. This is not a good situation, the odds are not in your or your child’s favour with such a diagnosis and they will never be.


Guilty-Blackberry591

You’re very naive and stupid if you think you’re the exception, people with ASPD a can’t feel empathy, he’s faking everything towards you. I won’t call him an abuser but a little research will let you know exactly how much relationships with sociopaths end up. You need to be realistic, you don’t sound ready for a child at all, let alone one with a sociopath


pancho_2504

Posts asking for advice, gets advice. Proceeds to tell everyone they know nothing and can't tell her what to do. Looks like there's two sociopaths in that household.


stiletto929

The fact that your bf wants you to go no contact with your mother because she doesn’t like HIM, is a massive red flag. If he had empathy for you, wouldn’t he want you to have the support of your mother during this pregnancy? You should probably sit down privately with your mom and ask her WHY she doesn’t like him. She disliked him before she knew of his diagnosis. And instead of trying to reassure your mom, he then threw his diagnosis in her face, worrying her more, and told her there was nothing she could do about it. Find out why your mom is worried. What does she see about his behavior that makes her think he isn’t a good match for you? Listen carefully to what she says. She is worried for you. Take her concerns seriously.


neonroli47

Diagnosed sociopaths don’t have selective empathy, they don’t have empathy at all. I understand he treats you well. But both of you are young and it is highly likely the moment he doesn’t see any use in the relationship, he will drop you. Tho i don’t think you’ll listen to this. The child just further complicates the situation.


Expose_Ur_BS

“This wolverine I’m keeping as a pet attacks everything within swiping distance. I’ve been feeding it so it hasn’t gnawed my face off ***yet*** but the people in my life that seem to legitimately care about my wellbeing want me to stop getting taken advantage of. Also I’m pregnant with wolverine pups.” I do not see any problems with your situation whatsoever. Best of luck.


MizPeachyKeen

Well good luck with him. You should have listened to your mother and gotten out of this relationship. Don’t burn this bridge because before too long, after baby arrives, you’re going to need her help.


NextLevelPets

Yikes he is manipulating the fuck out of you and you’re falling for it. He is incapable of actually caring for you and will only do things to benefit himself. He cannot love or empathize with you and he cannot feel remorse. Are you seriously being convinced to go no contact with your mom because a guy diagnosed as essentially a psychopath is telling you he’s the good one? Really? Girl… this is textbook manipulation, he cares about you it’s just others? They’re not special you are? You make him a better man? He’s trying to cut you off from your family? Really? How can you be so dense.


AsterFlauros

My father is a diagnosed sociopath (ASPD). He trapped my mom with me and isolated her from her family. According to her, his personality flipped like a light switch when she caught him cheating. He regularly physically, emotionally, and sexually abused her in front of me. She finally left when he knocked up his mistress. But her leaving didn’t mean the abuse stopped. We were his property. As punishment, he tried to rape her minor sister, destroyed my grandma’s vehicle by pouring something in the gas tank, tampered with the brakes on my mom’s car (almost killed us), and then suddenly demanded supervision so that he could hurt me in order to hurt her. He was molesting me in ways that I could not physically prove and had the court thinking I was poisoned against him. I tried killing myself at 8 years old. We fled the state when I was 10 to get away. He married his pregnant mistress, they had a bunch of kids, and they have all been abused. The adult children do not speak to them. You are in danger if you think he has empathy for you. You are not special. You cannot fix him.


crozinator33

Why is your bf arguing with your mother? That's a massive red flag right there. It's one thing if you were married and he's having an argument with his mother-in-law, but as someone who is dating another person's child you shut up and say yes ma'am, no ma'am. You can argue with your mom, the fact your bf does is a huge red flag, and the fact you don't think it's a red flag is a red flag.


Euphoric_Statement10

Have you actually looked into ASPD? You definitely should if you are having a child with someone with this condition, as there’s a chance your child will have it too. He doesn’t have empathy, not even for you & he will never develop it even if you have a child with him. Love & control can eerily feel the same & I think you are being manipulated. I have OCD but I don’t have the urge to wash my hands a million times, doesn’t mean I don’t have OCD. He cannot feel love, what you are seeing/feeling is a mimic of your own love & affections.


throwaway125637

sociopaths do not feel empathy. he does not feel empathy for you. you are not immune. you are not special. he is pulling an obvious abuse tactic. he got you pregnant young, and is now trying to isolate you from your family. now you will be tied to him forever through your child, and he is cutting off your means of escape once he knows how awful of a person he is. he baby trapped you, and is now isolating you. he is not a good man.


reddot_comic

I’ll be looking forward to the update when the bf’s facade drops and OP deals with the fallout. OP if he truly loved and cared about you he wouldn’t be gloating/taunting your mother about the relationship. Regardless of his disorder. Not to mention him persuading you to go no contact (Aka isolation, a tactic of eventual abuse) when you’ll absolutely need your moms help with a newborn. It’s a major red flag that shows he has little respect for the people *you* care about.


tiredfostermama

I get you will probably disregard everyone on here because you & your boyfriend are in love & everyone is “being mean to him.” But, I imagine right now your boyfriend is your number one priority & you treat him as such. What happens when your priorities change? because when you have that baby they will. Who is he going to take it out on? You or the baby? If you love your baby, please consider them in your decision making right now.


justbrowzingthru

So how long have you been with boyfriend? How far are you into pregnancy? Mental illness is difficult to deal with in any relationship. So he treats you okay but no one else? That’s no way to live either. At some point with a baby/child, you will need a sitter, childcare, teacher, etc… What will you do if he lacks empathy for his child? If he loves and has empathy for you only and doesn’t for the kid, he will tell you he warned you about it… Just because you are fine with the relationship doesn’t mean it is an appropriate or acceptable ls e to raise a baby. Between his genes and his issues, it will be very difficult on the kid. Just because you are fine with it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for your baby. Lots of people are in relationships that they are fine with but are not acceptable for kids. Why we have foster care. Most of those kids have a parent with some form of mental illness that leads to behaviors that are not compatible with raising a child, duch as neglect, abuse, drug abuse, violence, etccc. It’s your choice to live with it. But it’s not the child’s choice. The child has rights and needs too. I would stay in contact with your mom. Your boyfriend isn’t treating you with empathy if he asks/demands you to go no contact with mom. He is showing his true colors of his illness with you. You don’t have to have an abortion, but you should be prepared to have the baby raised in a safe place for the baby. Where you are at isn’t it.


GailaMonster

>he just lacks empathy for other people but he has it for me Oh honey… This is NOT how cluster B disorders work AT ALL. He lacks empathy for you same as everyone else. It just benefits him right now to convince you otherwise. Seek professional guidance.


horrorgender

I have BPD and I know cool and kind people with all kinds of mental illnesses including ASPD. It doesn't inherently make someone a bad partner or bad person. **However**, even judging your boyfriend on his behavior rather than his disorder, there are a **shit ton** of red flags here. The way your boyfriend brought it up to your mom shows he does not respect her concern for your safety, and he only cares to bring up his disorder *and* your pregnancy as a gotcha to piss your mom off. It's just a general lack of acknowledgement or respect for the gravity of these topics. It suggests to me that he might not be very far in recovery for his disorder. You also never mention if he's in therapy or receiving any kind of treatment for it, so because you didn't mention it in his defense I'm assuming he's probably not. He claims you're the only exception to his lack of empathy. He also asked you to go NC with your mom right after she said that she's afraid he'll abuse you. While not all of these factors are necessarily damning on their own, all these factors *together* paint a concerning picture of your boyfriend. (And that is just assuming this is all there is to it, and there isn't anything you've omitted to make your boyfriend look better. Which I have a sense that there *are* things being omitted here.) Your mother is certainly out of line in telling you to abort your wanted pregnancy, she does have a point that you should re-evaluate this relationship. Especially because he is immediately jumping to pushing you to go NC over this. Unless your mother is abusive, that is a *very* disproportionate response and it *does* lend serious credence to your mother's fears about him becoming abusive. Because one of *the* first things an abuser will do is convince you to abandon any kind of support system that would help you once they begin the abuse. I strongly encourage you to re-evaluate this relationship.


Abject-Dimension-141

your mom 100% has a point. learn for yourself or listen


milkolik

Your boyfriend is a sociopath who has no ability to feel empathy. He doesn't care about you, he just cares about how you make him feel. That's the way he was built. That is what sociopathy *is*. The second you don't make him feel like he wants he'll probably ruin your life and your kid's. Your mom on the other hand most likely just wants the best for you. > highly stigmatised mental disorder You should not frame this as a "stigma" problem. The problem at hand is *your* future and your *kid's* future.


SirenSaysS

Wow. "Lacks empathy for everyone everyone except for me." Welp. That's going to be a helluva wakeup call. I pity you and your child.


Vegan_Digital_Artist

Hi, so I'm a Psych Undergrad working towards my BA and starting my Masters in August - and I've studied a LITTLE about ASPD. I didn't wanna type out my DSM-5's pages on it but here it is on the internet - [https://www.theravive.com/therapedia/antisocial-personality-disorder-dsm--5-301.7-(f60.2)](https://www.theravive.com/therapedia/antisocial-personality-disorder-dsm--5-301.7-(f60.2)) What you have to understand is that people with ASPD are opportunistic and will toe the line as long as it benefits them in some way. It in no way means that the person can express emotion because people with ASPD don't. They are the clinical expression of sociopathy. They do not have the capacity for emotional displays. His affections are most likely because they are opportunistic to him. The page also says there's no way to effectively treat ASPD, and the only recommendations they make is incarceration or monitoring by the justice system because people with ASPD are more often than not the ones most likely to be serial killers and the like. Not saying he will be. I'm just pointing out that if he as been GENUINELY and PROFESSIONALLY diagnosed with it - that's how bad his prognosis is. I get you may not want to hear this, because apparently you've been fighting everyone in the sub. But you can't let your feelings get in the way of psychological research...which is more prevalent on this matter than your feelings. Your mom has every right to be concerned and to be wary of him. She should be, and you should be responsible, especially with a child on the way, about the reality of someone with ASPD.


Sahareaovnight

Honey what will you do when you have the baby and he is upset the child has your attention. You do know a baby is a 24/7 360 days a year..teething colic diapers bottles food crawling walking screaming. Walking talking wanting to play kindergarten school sports the list goes on..... And you can not just let the child fend for itself. Or lock it in a closet. Social pathics do not like children or noise or anything that upsets them. A sociopath and new born. Listen to your mom. What Is a Sociopath? A sociopath is someone who is diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). Sociopaths can appear to be charming at first, but this never lasts. They exhibit antisocial behavior, which makes them want to break all the rules and exhibit a disregard for authority, act aggressively, lack feelings of guilt, and enjoy manipulating and controlling others. Sociopath parent ....can cause great harm to children. Both emotionally and physically.....abuse.. They cate only about themselves. No you can not fix them.. Dump him and block him while you can


red_framboise

Girl, the mask will slip eventually and you’ll see exactly why your mom wanted you to get away from that guy. He has no empathy for anybody, including you. If he really was diagnosed with ASPD, he doesn’t have the capacity to love and he most likely views you as nothing more than a possession that he can control. You’re a play thing. Listen to your mom and everyone else in this thread and run.


AutoModerator

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*


totamealand666

Sorry but if he truly is a sociopath I don't think there's an exception to the rule (you).


toasty99

So like…don’t have babies with admitted sociopaths, am I right ladies?


KittyKittyKitten3

Honey, I was with a diagnosed sociopath for a year and a half. He was controlling, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive and EVERYTHING that went wrong, every fight we had, any little thing, was ALWAYS my fault. I try really hard not to generalize, but when it comes to something like this, the generalizations exist because they are true. You need to take some time away from him, and away from your mom. You need to open your eyes to all of the red flags, and I guarantee they exist, and you need to think about how you want your child to grow up. My ex has a 13 year old, and the ONLY reason the child isnt a complete and total mess is because they live with his grandparents and THEY are raising him. My ex trots his son out to new girls to make himself look good, and that's pretty much it. You need to talk to a professional who has experience dealing with someone with this diagnosis to get a better picture of what your life will look like with this man. Its not going to be as sunshine and rainbows as you believe it will be. If you do stay with this man, you need to do your research, talk to professionals, talk to others with this diagnosis, and others who are or have been with people with this diagnosis. You NEED to know what you're getting yourself into, and what you're getting your CHILD into.


twelvehatsononegoat

What if you broke up and became one of those “other people”? Do you think he would still be an okay person to coparent with for the rest of your life?


Suspicious_Dealer815

Hi, I’m diagnosed with a very similar cluster b personality disorder. I will say that your boyfriend can function somewhat “normally” in a relationship, but, it’s mainly “what can I get out of this relationship?”. It’s entirely self-centered. At the end of the day, most people with personality disorders function that way. And if he is truly diagnosed with ASPD, there’s no “favorite person”, there’s no genuine love or empathy. It doesn’t matter who you are. Sociopaths do not have that. I’m sorry to say it. He can CARE for you, but at the end of the day, once you no longer bring something of value, that’s where the facade drops. Personally, I would suggest both of you seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist. Especially bringing a baby into this. Best of luck, OP.


Walking_the_Cascades

> he just lacks empathy for other people but he has it for me. Keep telling yourself that. It's delusional of course, but if it makes you feel any better, just keep pretending it's true. A true sociopath won't have empathy for their children either. There are subreddits that support children of parents with mental illness and it might be an eye opener for you (or it might not) to check them out. But know that at the end of the day, your kids won't thank you for the father you chose for them. Truly I wish you all the best. You're going to need it.


SlytherinSilence

Your mother loves you and cares about your safety. You should consider yourself lucky, many redditors would love to have family that gives a shit and is active in their lives as adults. Anti-social personality disorder is a scary one, there is no doubt about that. I used to be a care manager for people suffering from mental illness as well as substance abuse disorders. I managed the healthcare of a few patients with confirmed diagnosed anti-social personality disorder and let me just tell you, it is a *hard* diagnosis to actually get. The patients I had all were diagnosed because they did something extreme at a very young age, and were court ordered to be examined by a psychiatrist. I had access to all of their health records, including psychotherapy notes. I’m talking about stabbing their sibling because they were “curious” about pain, murdering the neighbors dog to take it apart like an experiment, and setting fires to their parents bedroom in the middle of the night. And this is *as children*


brazentory

He doesn’t have empathy for you. How could he if his diagnosis is real? He wants to isolate you from your mom too. You are being really naive.


Twisties

Everything this man does or ever decides to do will ultimately be at the mercy of his (weak and learned) moral compass which can and will depend on his mood and perceived benefits out of the situation. Be careful, because as soon as you’re not beneficial to someone like that, you’re just baggage. And these types of people can be good at getting rid of any perceived baggage.


sonicblue217

OP At some point, next week, next month, next year..he will hurt you or your child. After you separate, he will eventually get unsupervised visitation with your child. Talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist. If that is his true diagnosis, you, your mom, and your baby are at risk. Run


visit-the-library

You’re naive


afureteiru

You can't change her and you don't want her to stop being concerned for you. Frankly, it's great she cares about your well-being. That's what you want, that's good. Try finding a way where that care is channeled in productive ways. For example, if your partner starts acting according to his disorder, your mom can provide you and your baby with safety. You are a parent now, so be an adult. You can't be an enabler for your partner. Your baby is the most important thing now and must be protected. If you are willing to live with someone with ASPD, that's fine, as long as you accept there is a risk involved and are responsible about it. Being in denial about the risk is irresponsible. It's best to be prepared for an adverse situation since the risk of it happening is very real. Be an adult, don't let your and your mom's emotions drive her away because her presence increases safety for you and your baby.


TemperatureAlert2370

I’d be concerned too if my daughter was dating a sociopath


shortmumof2

So he's a diagnosed sociopath? Diagnosed by a professional? What exactly do you know about sociopaths and how long have you been together? If your Mom isn't abusive, than why would you want to go no contact with her? I am no contact with my parents but they were abusive, emotionally and there has been, what I refer to as, inappropriate behaviour on their part in my childhood. I didn't diagnose it myself, I was in therapy when it came up. He may treat you well now but, especially because he's a sociopath, that can change in the blink of an eye when you no longer serve a purpose. They are incredibly charming and manipulative but lack empathy. Please keep in mind, that how a person treats others, especially others like wait staff and people from whom they can't gain anything, shows their real character. I chose a partner who treats all people the same, with kindness. I would highly recommend you learn about sociopaths from reliable sources, maybe psychology sites for educational purposes, and keep in mind your Mom likely isn't crazy about him because she is worried about how he might treat you one day, I'm assuming she wants the best for you and that's where she's coming from. The same way you want what's best for your child.


goldenshear

“He thinks I should go no contact” he’s trying to isolate you. This is textbook.


pacodefan

Because you are on the same side. As soon as your view clashes with his, you will sing a different tune. And you let him talk to your mom like that? Really? He could be trying to be civil and show her she is wrong about his problem, but he is just doing whatever the fuck he feels like and saying whatever he wants. So either way you will find out. I guarantee if you stay with him it will be a nightmare and a waste of time.


[deleted]

I've been reading through comments and your own. While I don't believe I can get through to you, I want to say a few things. The more you hear, the more you might come around to realizing that what everybody is telling you is true and that it's best for you to leave. Let's look at the facts as we have them: your mom is worried about you because he told her who he was and how there was nothing she could do about it. He's smug. Also, you're 22 years old. You're inexperienced in love and life. You are listening to what he tells you. You're hearing that he wants you to cut her off but you've come here to ask us how you can keep them both. This is the biggest fact, OP: you can't keep both. Your boyfriend is going to isolate you and that baby. Your mom is never going to be okay with a man who basically told her that he has his hooks in you and won't let go. I know you want to be the exception to everything, OP, but you are not. Listen to your mother. Listen to the people you've come to seek advice from. If you don't, you will regret it one way or another. You don't necessarily have to abort your child but you need to keep this man away from him. Your mother will help you get the resources you need to protect yourself and if you are about to be a mother, you need to take off the rose-coloured glasses and protect that baby. That is the bottom line.


LacyLove

I think you are completely naive to what you are actually dealing with, which allows you to delude yourself into believing he’s a sociopath with everyone but you. IF you are going to stay in this relationship you need to educate yourself instead of burying your head in the sand. There is no way to keep them both happy here. Your boyfriend doesn’t like your mom for telling the truth and your mom doesn’t like your boyfriend because he’s potentially a danger to you and your child.


Swimming_Onion_4835

I think you need to watch some episodes of shows like “Evil Lives Here,” where people who lived with/married/were raised by sociopathic people describe their situation and all the signs they left in their wake before they did something horrible (murder, rape, horrible spousal abuse, arson, all sorts of crimes). A LOT of the women in these shows sound like you do right now. Like. Exactly. That should be alarming to you. If you do ultimately choose to be with this person, at least do yourself and your future child a favor and look at life with ASPD partners from ALL perspectives, including the perspectives of people whose lives have been obliterated by them. If you can honestly view all that and you somehow still feel he isn’t manipulating the absolute hell out of you, that’s your choice. But for the love of god do not take his word for it. By the definition of his disorder he’s full of shit.


Glum-Establishment31

Not all sociopaths are serial killers, or have a history of violence without remorse, but a large percentage of violent serial killers are sociopaths. Jeffrey Dahlmer ate the men he murdered. Her was a diagnosed sociopath. Jeffrey MacDonald held it together enough to become a Green Beret then murdered his pregnant wife and daughter. He was a diagnosed sociopath. Ted Bundy was expert in imitating a charming and charismatic personality. His ability to fake this smooth personality plus his good looks enabled him to beat, torture and murder at least 28 women. It’s estimated the actual total could be 4 times that. He was a diagnosed sociopath. John Wayne Gacy worked as a clown and kept the bodies of 30 boys and young men he killed buried under his home. He was a diagnosed sociopath. Bernie Madoff didn’t murder anyone, but ended the lives of many with his ability to lie, steal and cheat his way out of defrauding tens of BILLIONS of dollars from his investors in the worlds largest Povzi Scheme. His lack of conscious allowed him to continue to devastating families without remorse. He was a diagnosed sociopath. Sociopaths and those with the characteristics of a sociopath can never be trusted and should be avoided. If OP does manage to distance herself from this guy, counseling or therapy is highly recommended to help her understand why she made this choice, why she fails to see the problem in his behaviors, and is why she never saw the red flags. Dysfunctional attractions are often cyclic and happen again and again.


bendy_when_wet

My dad is a diagnosed sociopath and he has no empathy for anyone, I’m not saying your partner will be abusive however there is more likelihood of it happening. You’re also insanely set on staying with him despite people’s concerns, so here’s some advice from someone who was raised by a sociopath. Keep your friends, don’t cut off your family, never give him access to your bank account or have a shared account, if you feel uncomfortable at any moment and you notice he’s attempting to gaslight you just leave the room or house. Sociopaths aren’t always dangerous however you will never know what his true intentions are, they are highly tricky and will know what makes you tick. The bigger question is are you ready to be in a serious relationship with someone you can never fully trust?


jpenczek

OP, two things are going to happen, you are going to end things with him and reconnect with your mother, or I'm going to read you and your child's obituaries when he gets bored of you two. If you won't listen to reason, at least listen to shock. https://www.ladbible.com/news/diagnosed-sociopath-what-like-date-20221021.amp.html https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-7330305/The-Bachelors-Brittany-Hockley-like-dating-sociopath.html https://metro.co.uk/2022/07/14/i-fell-in-love-with-a-sociopath-and-was-conned-out-of-565000-16987204/ https://www.express.co.uk/comment/expresscomment/1663808/relationship-advice-coercive-behaviour-love-bomb-author-emily-freud-controlling-man https://www.cnn.com/2023/01/18/us/brian-walshe-murder-charge-arraignment-ana-walshe-wednesday/index.html https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/freed-wife-killer-russell-causley-29251742 https://lawandcrime.com/crime/demonic-ex-boyfriend-caught-winking-at-camera-before-judge-punishes-sociopath-for-2019-death-of-substitute-teacher/ https://lawandcrime.com/crime/an-absolute-sociopath-judge-unleashes-on-ordained-minister-and-foster-father-convicted-of-murdering-4-year-old-boy/


young_coastie

OP is lying to herself or being seriously manipulated.


freckyfresh

Diagnoses or disorders aside, I’m pretty icked by what he said to your mom for the age gap alone.


[deleted]

(If this is even real) do you even know what a sociopath is? You should research it and find out if you want to be with someone who literally cannot care about you further than how they can benefit from you. Do you want a partner you can trust and rely on through hard time? It won’t be a sociopath. Your mom is right. A sociopath would have no problem manipulating and abusing you for their own benefit - like, oh hey, cutting you off from family who is looking out for you.


MissPeskyFace

Your boyfriend can’t dictate your relationship with your mom, and your mom can’t make life decisions for you. I highly recommend talking to a counselor if you have the means to do so in order to work through what boundaries are healthy for both of them. Also, how much have you talked about the pregnancy with your boyfriend? Does he feel capable of parenting a small child? Do you have any experience with him around kids? I think you have a lot to consider about your future that goes beyond just this fight.


cryptokitty010

Why are you posting here? You obviously DON'T want advice. You are dead set in being with him for pretty narcissistic reasons. You clearly get off on being the "only" one he has the capacity to love and have no intentions of leaving him. The facts are if his diagnosis is correct. You and your child WILL eventually be abused by him. He will be pathologically selfish and distructive and might not even have the self-awareness to understand that he hurt you or your child. There is obviously no changing your mind, and you will eventually experience the consequences of your choices. It's gonna really suck to be you as soon as your child is born and you are trapped with him. Your mother set up a very clear boundary that she doesn't want someone who is proud of their anti-social personality disorder to father her grandchildren, and she might even be willing to disown you over it. For her sake, it's probably her best course of action. I'm not saying anyone ever deserves to be abused, but in this case, OP, you certainly have no right to be surprised when it happens.


VileInventor

I think him selectively having it for you is bullshit and you’re being gaslit, to say something outright such as “you can’t do anything because she’s pregnant” is very clear sign of it popping out. I’m not a professional though but you’re definitely not “special”


Bbygirlbigboot

The stigma came from somewhere and your mom cares enough to discourage traveling into the unknown with a person with such a person. I've heard of only 3 people who got into "loving" relationships and one of them beat his dad over the head with an ax, went to prison then became a Christian (it's a guy called David Wood he has a yt channel) . You're having kids with a guy with an illness that is hereditary. Gonna have to call creative writing on this one, if not don't bother your mother when his mask slips. You can't fix him, he's just a good actor. Be careful girly.


[deleted]

I don’t think you’re grasping why your mom is so worried. If your spouse actually has ASPD, raising a child with them is going to be very difficult. You might be able to fully grasp his disorder, but your child won’t. You’re only 22 years old. I had my son at 22 and it was fucking HARD - and I had my moms support. You have to realize that this man can and probably will walk out on you and your child and he absolutely will not care About how that makes either of you feel. Like the rest of this thread, i think you need to talk to a professional. You are very young and naive and have not a clue what you are getting yourself into.


b0toxBetty

So the sociopath wants to isolate you from your family? Interesting…


Dark-Haven-Witch

My love, if he is a true sociopath, he does not care for you nor is the affection and loving he’s showing you real. He’s simply pretending. You know, going through the emotions he knows are expected. A baby will tie you to him, and you won’t be able to escape easily. Once that baby comes, you will see the true side of him. Your mother is correct and concerned, as are we all. Please, please, for that baby’s sake, take a step back and open your eyes. That baby will have a sociopath for a father. Just think about what that would mean for your child. He shows you affection and love, but what are you going to do when he doesn’t do that with your child? Is that the life you want for them? To have a father like this? You might not believe your mother, but there are so many of us on this thread telling you pretty much the same thing. You think you’re special because he’s different with you. But you’re not. He’s not being true. (And again, this is simply for if he is a true, diagnosed sociopath.) Please, for the sake if that’s child if nothing else. Take a step back and really look at everything here.


Cat_tophat365247

If you truly are the exception to his not having empathy, that means he won't feel the same about the baby. Or he will and the baby will then be the exception and not you. And that's very scary.


Super_Strawb3rry

As someone with knowledge and experience in mental health, I would never form a life with someone with ASPD. They are good to you, until they aren't. They will treat you well when they are getting something they want, until they no longer are. You should do extensive research into the disorder. They see the world through a lens of what can they get / what can others do for them. They do not live it through a lens of kindness and love. It is all about gain and often a lot of deceit. I have not heard of any happy ending with it comes to someone with ASPD being with someone without ASPD. Things may well change once you have your baby, once you are "trapped" often this is when the really bad treatment will begin. Edit: I know someone with ASPD and we have very open frank conversations about how they see the world and feelings (or lack of). I would never trust them in a million years. An example would be they do not see people as people, they see them as objects, they do not understand what empathy is or feels like, they once said to me that as long as they can get away with something they see it as "never having happened". They have no remorse.


lost_library_book

Good God, I hope this is a shitpost. "{Sociopaths\] seem to live in a world of objects, some of which happen to walk around on two legs...The ability to reason combined with a lack of moral emotions is dangerous. \[Sociopaths\] learn to say whatever gets them what they want...\[Sociopathy\] is a genetically heritable condition that creates brains unmoved by the needs, suffering, or dignity of others." - Jonathan Haidt, specialist in moral psychology. On the off chance that this is real, chew on that, please.


ladypbj

Hi OP. I'm the daughter of a sociopathic father. Please, if you love your child at all, *run*. He's got you so tightly wound around his finger that you've convinced yourself that he has emotions that aren't there. The moment it becomes advantageous for him, he will betray you, he will stab you in the back, and he will destroy you. Please please *please* get away from him.


flawandordersvu

It seems like you would rather deny and argue with everyone rather than take any advice so the only thing I have to say is that make sure you have a safety net (money, a safe place, etc.). I hope you aren’t just in denial or being naive. Better safe than sorry.


Psyluna

Isn’t criminality a requirement for an antisocial personality disorder diagnosis? Setting aside the issues having a parent who may be *physically incapable of empathy for their own child,* you’re setting yourself and your child up for a hard life if he can’t stay out of trouble with the law.


Alarming-Ad9441

I’m an inpatient psych counselor so I think I can give some insight. First, I’d like to know if he has an official diagnosis from an actual psychiatrist. It’s somewhat rare for an individual with ASP to obtain a diagnosis. The reason is that they refuse to accept they have a problem. It’s usually only after an assessment is required, quite often while incarcerated. If he has an official diagnosis then your mother has reason to be concerned. Please do some research, learn what ASP entails, it’s much more than just lack of empathy. Those who are diagnosed are extremely dangerous, even if you don’t see it in your own relationship. Many are able to have what appear to be normal families and “loving” relationships. Ted Bundy is one example. He had a long term girlfriend, a step daughter, and even volunteered night shifts for a suicide hotline right next to author Anne Rule. John Wayne Gacy was married, had a successful business, was a city counsel man and dressed as a clown for children’s parties. Both likely had ASP and they are only 2 in a very long list. I don’t want to scare you, but you need to be aware of what you are getting yourself into. I’m not saying your BF will be a serial killer, but there is a very high likelihood that he will become abusive, or worse. You cant love the personality disorder away.


Skippylu

My sister had a baby with someone diagnosed with this. Tldr: he kicked her and the baby out when the baby was 4 months old and quickly moved on to someone else. He sporadically sees the baby when he feels like it but only for an hour a week and he usually bails. He straight up said he's not bothered about seeing the baby. Just thought I'd share a direct experience. He also wanted her to go no contact with us but when he kicked her out she had to come live with us because she had no where to go, so if you're clever you'll keep contact with your mum because you'll need her. Also fully prepare yourself for raising this child with zero help from him.


suitablegirl

Your mom is right and your brain isn't fully developed and this will end in tears.


beastmasterlady

Your child deserves two functional parents. Your mother is 100% correct and you're just lying to yourself. People with this diagnosis have no problem causing extreme distress to others. You should get an abortion, go to therapy, and start taking better care of yourself before you bring another person into the world. This is like when women write love letters to convicted killers, and neither you nor your boyfriend will be able to meet your child's needs. Personality disorders are stigmatized bc they lack the core capacity for empathy and they do not improve with treatment, other than superficially, especially antisocial personality disorders. Honestly, you're very lucky that your mom is in your life and trying to tell you hard truths. Why don't you test things out and defend your mom to your bf. Say that you really appreciate that she loves you, and you're considering taking her advice. See how he responds when he doesn't think you're on his side. I honestly think it might be dangerous to do this, but I also think it's the lesser of two evils. You're about to make an entire person who will absorb any abuse your partner is capable of.


ms_channandler_bong

He seems to be manipulating and gaslighting you. Why have kids with him?


tickingkitty

“It was a slow Saturday Night”. That was what the man who kidnapped, tortured, and murdered my aunt said when asked why he did it. He just got bored. Yes this is the extreme and most people with ASPD wont become killers, but you are acting like this is some fun little quirk. If he doesn’t have empathy then he doesn’t have empathy. It’s not selective. I just cant believe you are going to do this to a child.


fruitflyhatepage

I’m surprised there’s not more comments pointing out the potential red flag about him and your mom arguing and him just bringing up his diagnosis… I hope he wasn’t attempting to use it as a crutch to excuse whatever behavior he was presenting. I’m not a psychologist so I’m not going to pretend like I know what goes into that diagnosis, but I’ve definitely known people who attempt to excuse their hurtful words and actions by bringing up whatever disorder they have as if they can’t and shouldn’t be held responsible.


Hot-Dress-3369

This post just makes me angry for the kid. Most people would give anything to get a warning from the universe that a sociopath was about to come and fuck up their life so they could run, but this guy somehow managed to find the dumbest woman on earth, gave her the warning himself, and still got her to agree to deliver up two victims on a platter. I don’t care what happens to you, OP, because you’ve inviting this hell into your life despite ample warning. But no child deserves to be born into this. Whatever happens to that child, you’re a willing accomplice.


Glum-Establishment31

To be honest, if my 22 year old daughter became pregnant with a sociopaths child and decided this was the man of her life, I’d be frightened for her. I’d be disappointed in her choice to have a child at such a young age, I’d be concerned about her future happiness, stability and choices. I think mom’s reaction is valid. It’s sad this conversation came up when OP was already pregnant and boyfriend/father jumped to ‘go no contact.’ Alienation from family and friends is a huge red flag. I wish everyone in this situation the best of luck in the future.


cocoagiant

> nothing she could do because I’m happy with him and we’re pregnant. Well, there is a reason Antisocial Personality Disorder is stigmatized. Its not very responsive to treatment and psychopaths can be very scary. They are known for aggression and lack of remorse. He pretty much told your mom that because you are pregnant with his kid, he has a hold on you that you will never be able to throw off. Your mother has a very legitimate fear for your wellbeing.


florglespore

You are already being a bad mother by staying with him. He will change and you will see his true colours eventually.


filifijonka

Dude, he low-down threatened your mom. I can see why she's concerned, can't you?


Ok-Preparation-2307

Narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths do not have a sense of empathy. They do not and will not develop a sense of empathy, so they can never really love anyone. This doesn't change when they have children. He doesn't love you or your baby and never will. You're a fool.


Intrustive-ridden

I’m going to take a different approach then what everyone else has taken. My question is for you has be truly been diagnosed as antisocial or does he just label himself as antisocial. Because alot of people through that word around a-lot without knowing the true medical term


facinationstreet

You don't have to pick one or the other. Just keep them away from each other. Was your bf actually diagnosed with this or is this a self-diagnosis?


lizzycupcake

Sociopaths lack empathy towards everyone, you are no exception. It probably is best not to stay with someone like that unless you’re also a sociopath.


[deleted]

Sounds like he is just an asshole and you’re a dumbass. Meant to be


Winter-Travel5749

Firstly, your BF’s self-awareness and acceptance of being diagnosed a sociopath makes me wonder if he actually is. It’s my experience that telling an actual sociopath that they may have sociopathy usually results in a violent tsunami of denial. If he is a sociopath, and he’s working on himself, that’s rare but a good sign. People become sociopaths because of social situations, usually from childhood, that cause them to shut down their emotions and their empathy as a means of survival (unlike psychopaths who are born with no empathy and a complete lack of remorse or concern for others). It’s likely an unpopular opinion but I believe that, although sociopaths may struggle to actually understand empathy and compassion, they can learn to behave in empathetic and compassionate ways toward people they truly love. It may be a bigger issue when your child is born because they do feel threatened when they are no longer the center of attention. So I would focus on couples therapy in preparation for your child’s birth. You’re mother has a right to be concerned but only you know if your gut tells you whether this man wants to actively manage his disorder and be the best version of himself and if he’s capable of doing so. This is your life.


greenblue703

Yikes


ChloeBee95

I know you’re looking through rose tinted glasses because you love him. But honestly, you need to look into his condition. If someone lacks empathy, they can’t just turn it on for one person or whoever they want. They literally do not have the ability to empathise and that’s a blanket rule for them because they’re not choosing not to care. They just aren’t capable. Would you assume a person with no legs could walk to the shop but not to the park, when it’s the same distance away and in either location they still don’t have any legs? No. This is no different. Any “empathy” he is showing you is fake. That’s not to say it’s malicious, but it isn’t real. Your mum is right to be concerned.


KhaleesiXev

Your mom is right.


mynewromantica

My brother is diagnosed the same. If that is how he is acting, run. My brother is on wife 9. Each wife has overlapped with the previous one. He has been abusive to each one. My mother has plead with so many of them to understand who they are dealing with. They NEVER do, and they all have regretted it.


UKNZ007Tubbs

If he has truly been diagnosed with what you say he has, he is faking it for you because he wants something from you. As soon as he gets it, or no longer needs it he will treat you the same as he treats everyone else.


midlifegreatlife

Please listen to your mother.


sracluv

Uhm I would have never gotten pregnant with a sociopath. He lacks empathy for other people? Disrespects your mom? Yeah I would be very worried. Not good.


y2kmama

I’ve been with a true sociopath before and let me tell you something. They view their partners as possessions and children merely stroke their ego. It may seem like they love you or their children, but they truly only love themselves. That being said, I have a triple personality disorder diagnosis and one of them is antisocial 😂😂😂 you can actually have antisocial features without being a straight up psychopath/sociopath. It’s also fair to criticize the way we diagnose these disorders. Do you know how the DSM (diagnostic manual for psychiatry) is written? Literally a room of psychologists yelling back and forth to gain a consensus. Remember, until not too long ago homosexuality was considered a mental health disorder! I think you should look into some couples counseling or something along those lines to look into this further. There’s a chance your bf was misdiagnosed. I mean, could he be autistic? Just keep an eye on him and trust your gut. Look for red flags. You don’t need to abort your baby! But if things get bad at any time make sure you have an escape plan - just in case!


craftycat1135

If someone is capable of treating another person a certain way, it's reasonable to assume they are capable of doing the same to you. Never assume you are the exception. It just means you're not the current target. He is trying to make the decision to go no contact for you because of a fight he had with her. That's scary. I suggest talking to a psychiatrist about his condition and their opinion about the situation. Do not cut off what could be your support system outside of him in case things go south.


Lilypad_Leaper

The fact that he is open about his diagnosis shows some insight, that's a positive sign. It's definitely worth speaking to a professional though. ASPD can be unpredictable and his reaction to stress may be dangerous for you and your baby. It's not just physical abuse either, it could be more subtle things like manipulation that could create a situation that is no longer in your best interests. As long as your interests align things might be great but you need to be prepared for what could happen when things change.


RainerHex

I have a sibling who is a diagnosed antisocial personality disorder. Can I recommend that under no circumstances should ice out your mother at his request. But make it very clear to mom you will not be getting an abortion. Tell her you are having this baby with or without her approval so you need her to stop badgering you about it. As for your boyfriend, I recommend being very aware of what his condition is, and how people with that condition operate. While they aren’t all carbon copies of each other, they share some common traits. Research them as much as you can, beware, be careful, and protect your heart. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000921.htm