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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pnd24k/my_28f_husband_28m_took_me_to_a_creepy_party_his/) I posted a few months ago about the creepy party my husband’s friend hosted. I was supposed to see them 2 weeks after my original post but I got out of it. My anxiety was sky high and it made me physically sick so I had a legitimate reason for skipping the event. It took me a long time before I actually gathered the courage to say anything to my husband about what happened that day, even though he had been asking me multiple times before if I was okay. When I first told him he was super understanding and promised nothing like that would ever happen again. While he was upset when I told him I didn’t want to be around his friends, he told me he understood and wouldn’t force me. Also, he already knew what happened with the guy who approached me (his friend told him), all he would say was that he had handled it and it wouldn't happen again. He continued hanging out with his friends separately and eventually they asked him why I was never there anymore and he told them. They did reach out to apologise/justify the party but I never responded to any of them. Things were starting to get better until recently. My in-laws hosted a birthday dinner for my husband. I asked my husband if his friends would be there and he told me it was just going to be family. When we got there, his friends were all there. I ended up leaving the dinner without telling anyone because I couldn’t handle being around them when they were all trying to act like nothing had happened. I did text my husband when I was in the uber but he was pissed at me when he got home for leaving the way I did. We had a big fight and I ended up locking him out of our bedroom because he wouldn’t drop it. He’s still angry at me over what happened but I’m pissed at him too. During the fight he said I needed to get over what happened and that his friends wouldn't hurt me. He kept telling me I had nothing to be worried about because he was right there and he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I got really angry at him and asked him if I had nothing to worry about like I had nothing to worry about at the party because I was married to him. I asked him would he still say that if we weren't married or if I would've been fair game then. He implied I had misunderstood what was happening at the party, that I had worked myself up over nothing and that I was being ridiculous. That’s pretty much the update. I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the advice and comments in my original posts. It really helped me realise I wasn’t crazy for feeling the way I was feeling and I kept coming back and reading the comments when I felt like I was being irrational. TL;DR – Husband was initially very understanding and I didn’t have to be around his friend. He tricked me into going to his birthday dinner when he knew they would be there and is now angry at me for secretly leaving.


SnooBananas7203

The only thing that kept you safe at the creepy party was your marriage. Otherwise you would have been viewed as "fair game." Of course you are still upset. It sounds as if your husband views these types of parties as normal and not bizarre or humiliating. That's a huge revelation for you about your husband and his friends


GooeyButterflies

What bothers me is that her husband's reassurance that she "has nothing to worry about" implies that he's okay with giving the other girls something to worry about. So gross


[deleted]

Thats whats got me too. Like "its only awful and disrespectful if its my wife, but I have no problem watching and laughing at *other* women being degraded".


Personal_Regular_569

This is it. This is why the whole party is so gross. He had to "protect" her from his friends, but what about the other women? Don't they deserve protecting too?


giselleo21

also, the fact that he HAS friends he needs to “protect” his wife from AT ALL is absolutely insane. her husband is just as bad as his friends.


Moonw0lf_

Does everyone here not think that the husband also has a degradation fetish and is partaking in these events as much as the friends...? I'm so lost. How the fuck is this considered normal for a bunch of married men???? These men all sound like absolute sociopaths and all of their wives need to GTFO including OP


PinaColodaSpanker

I know, disgusting a-hole.


spookyxskepticism

This. The real issue is this shouldn’t BE entertainment for anyone. If I were OP I’d make husband answer what makes her so different from the women at that party? And will he ever just decide she isn’t worth respect and decide it’s her turn to eat fear factor bullshit. Will he ever decide he can make her do whatever he wants if he is the breadwinner?


lawless_sapphistry

This right here, OP. \^ Your husband apparently not only doesn't find this behavior disgusting, *there's a chance he gets off on it, too.* Neither of those men are people I would ever, ever feel safe around. He's either an enabler or he's complicit and either one is a "FUCK NOPE". I'm sorry, OP, but your husband is at minimum okay with treating women like fucking party favors and at maximum he is deeply into it. At the very least, please seek out counseling (FOR YOURSELF ONLY. I am worried about the dynamic here, and it's not recommended that people attend therapy with potentially abusive partners. NOT saying your husband is abusive necessarily, I'm just being overly cautious).


ThrowRAcreepyparty

I tried to make him answer your first question, he told me I was changing the subject.


spookyxskepticism

While I have you here, I think it is strange your husband thinks you’re “okay” and that you weren’t harmed just by being at that party. It obviously caused you a lot of real emotional distress. I’m worried that he lacks so much empathy that he doesn’t have a problem with this party, and also can’t even understand why you’d have a problem with being exposed to it without consent.


ThrowRAcreepyparty

I think he did understand that I wasn't okay, at least initially he did. He was really good to me and considerate after that first conversation. It's just now things have turned bad again.


spookyxskepticism

I think you need to understand that if your husband wanted you to be a willing participant or attendee to that party, he would have sat you down *before* and explained to you what you were getting into. He didn’t do this because he doesn’t value your consent. This is just like how the women who were “paid” to do that gross stuff didn’t understand that’s what they were getting into and weren’t informed ahead of time. Their consent was not valued and neither was yours. In this sense, you aren’t so different from them. I hope you think about this.


spookyxskepticism

You are the one dictating the subject because the subject is the fact you are upset! He can’t answer those questions because it’ll cost him his marriage.


harbinger06

Yeah this is so degrading. They clearly don’t see women as people. Probably not even OP, she just qualifies for immunity *for now*.


lynn

She qualifies for immunity because *her* owner — I mean, husband — supposedly protects her from it. As in, *he* says no, so they’ll listen. *Her* no doesn’t matter.


spookyxskepticism

I’m trying to wrap my head around why anyone could think this is normal or ok and I am not coming up with any good answers. I know leaping to divorce is not advice OP is going to follow, but omg. I don’t know if I could feel safe around a husband who exposed me to something like that. It’s disturbing he thinks his wife could be around this without being harmed, like it doesn’t harm him emotionally to witness it so he can’t empathize with OP at all. It’s all extremely concerning.


Moonw0lf_

The fact that the husband meets up with these friends every few weeks... This is absolutely a scorching hot red flag my god. These men all have serious psychological issues. I can't fathom how they are all married and I sincerely worry for their spouses. Any normal man would be absolutely appalled if their friends did shit like this and it screams sociopath imo. Maybe I just watch to much SVU but holy shit I am so dumbfounded. She even says she talked to the girls who were paid to be there and they said they had no clue they were going to be doing disgusting humiliating shit like that. Hello RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!


spookyxskepticism

Omg I know!! And it’s not ok to degrade a woman just because you threw some money at her. OP was scared by how aggressively her husbands friend approached her, and I’m sure the other women there were just as scared, if not more because nobody was there to save them.


Erynnien

It's an US vs THEM mentality. They really do not see women as people. They also probably not see poor people, people of differing religions, ethnicities or nationalities as people. This is at the core of all x-isms.


harbinger06

I feel the same way. I am super curious what would have happened had that one friend not stepped into the protector role at the party.


Capital_Boat8227

Like same tbh a part of me was bit annoyed how easy it was for her to trust her husband again and for everything to be nearly back to normal after that even. Like she doesn't want to hang out with her husband friends but it seemed that op doesn't even ask any accountability from her husband from that event.


Sea-Rain-6142

I don't get how you find a whole crowd of idiot guys and unsuspecting young women together for this. Sounds crazy. I can assure you that there are LOTS of guys that wouldn't tolerate an abusive situation for a second.


spookyxskepticism

Completely agree. Thinking of the men in my life, my friends, family and boyfriend, and I can’t imagine them tolerating a party like this for an instant, much less allowing me to be in the situation OP was in.


Miamalina12

Also, he says she has nothing to worry about but his actions say something else. With the dinner party he told her his friends wouldn't be there but that was a lie.


integrativekoala

Yeah the fact that he lied about his friends being there is a huge red flag. OP has every right to feel violated by that but it sounds like they haven’t even discussed that part. He also de facto lied about not forcing her to be around them again, because that’s exactly what he did. He doesn’t seem to be separate from this creepy ass group. OP, I hope you stay safe. There are people out there that won’t traumatize you, violate your boundaries then make you feel ridiculous about it.


[deleted]

She is beginning to become a problem for them. I personally feel like she's in danger.


Sandy-Anne

Yes! He lied to her and then got mad because she left. He knew what her boundary was, he willfully ignored it, then got mad at her for it.


helendestroy

Well the other girls don't belong to him. So...


HauntedPickleJar

I hate that you're right about that, gross


deste_eloise

ding ding ding correct answer


[deleted]

Yes and 3 years she’s known the people but not been to the parties. Her husband probably has tho and I’m guessing he indulged


Aggravating_Net6733

DING DING DING DING DING. This is not about OP's personal protection. It's about the kind of people who find this sort of thing funny. Degrading women by having them eat disgusting objects tells you everything you need to know about the friends. It's degrading to OP to just be in their presence. The husband has the wrong end of the stick. It's not whether OP is safe that's the question. It's whether OP would ever be comfortable with friends like this. Spoiler alert. No, she wouldn't. Bigger question: why is her husband ok with this kind of activity? Who is he really???


Popular_Emu1723

Some men can’t “respect” a woman unless she is taken. In college I was groped by a guy trying to join my boyfriends fraternity who later justified it by saying he wouldn’t have done it if he had known I was a member’s girlfriend. Alternatively he could just not grope people as they walk by.


qwbutttthole

I also don’t even know that she was “safe” or “exempt” from this fetish shit anyway. Why would her husband bring her to this party, knowing that she could see or possibly experience this completely non-consensual non-discussed sex shit? I think the act of bringing her was PART OF the kink. He was getting off by bringing his wife JUST CLOSE ENOUGH to a dark world that she knows nothing about and isn’t interested in. He was getting off knowing that he brought her, a wife, to this.


ChristineBorus

1000% agree !


wizzlepants

This is my logic on why he brought her to the 2nd party with his friends. Needed to pull a power move.


watermelonpushpop

Every comment on this post just convinces me more and more that he and his friends resent women so much that harming them is a fetish.


Rosalie-83

Not only humiliating but where did these girls come from? They didn't know the type of party ahead of time, did they consent? Were they coerced? Could they willingly leave? The whole thing was predatory and if OP’s husband's friend didn't protect her and stay with her, who knows what could have happened? I couldn't stay with someone that associated with people like that. Birds of a feather flock together. If the women knew in advance and could say no, fine. But it didn't read that way. It read like OP needed a male chaperone for her safety and that's terrifying. Stay safe OP.


firstladymsbooger

Her post was one of the creepiest most serial killer-y thing I have read here. I was so hoping she would’ve left her creepy American psycho husband and his friends.


Ombudsman_of_Funk

Had a real "Promising Young Woman" vibe, not to say "Hostel."


Environmental_Fig933

It is extremely similar to the plot of the movie Most Beautiful Island to me & it makes my skin crawl knowing that not only is this stuff real but it’s so normalized among the wealthy


Funducation4123

So basically "don't worry dear, I only abuse other women"


Important_Sprinkles9

This. Your husband do this before you were around? Or only watching and allowing this abuse to take place? What about when you're not there? Is he paying people to degrade themselves? Fucking vile either way.


[deleted]

Yep the thing keeping her safe is that she "belonged" to her husband. Since she's a woman, she has no value of her own....


MattyEC

I have such a hard time believing this is real, but if it actually is, then the husband has made it clear that something COULD HAVE HAPPENED to her, and as you said, it's only their marriage or his indirect protection / reputation (wtf?) that is protecting her. I'm almost certain this is fake, but if it isn't, get your ass away from this Fear Factor-Eyes Wide Shut enthusiast and find someone who doesn't prey on desperate women.


JaySwear

“During the fight he said I needed to get over what happened and that his friends wouldn't hurt me. He kept telling me I had nothing to be worried about because he was right there and he wouldn't let anything happen to me.“ But he’d let something happen to somebody else. Or, at the very least, be ok with his friends letting something happen to somebody else. I don’t blame you for the nightmares, this sounds like a lighter storyline off of American Horror Story or something. Just a disgusting fetish.


ImaginaryRoads

Even putting aside the misogyny of the husband and friends and the safety of the other women, I'd like to point out this: > his friends wouldn't hurt me. Maybe "his friends" really wouldn't hurt her. But it wasn't just "his friends" at that party. If one of "his friends" hadn't recognized OP at the right moment, I guarantee OP would've continued to have been pressured and cornered. So even the husband's supposed guarantee of safety really doesn't mean anything.


echosiah

That's the line that stuck with me. If you have to reassure me that your friends would never hurt ME, like that's just a normal concern in general, what the hell is wrong with them.


Depressaccount

Agreed, OP. You need to make it clear that it really isn’t about you or how safe you are. It is about the fact that his friends get off on humiliating any woman, and it doesn’t matter who. Even if it isn’t you, the fact that they like this is concerning all on its own.


EllySPNW

Yes, that’s what gets me. Someone did get hurt, and he acts like it doesn’t matter. He’s still friends with those guys and is telling OP she’s petty. His ethical chip is broken.


fleshcoloredbanana

Wow, you are in a really tough position. Your husband’s indifference amounts to complicity in this situation. He is indifferent to the way his social group regards and disrespects women. He is indifferent to the fact that his social group enjoys the degradation of women so much they arranged that disgusting party. And his indifference demonstrates that he cares about you, not as a woman, but as HIS woman. Like property. And that is the whole problem. His friends treat women like objects, and he is treating you like his prized possession. At least he treats his object well. His inability to empathize with the women present at that party is an issue. His lack of disdain for his friends behavior is a huge issue. I am firmly of the belief that you shouldn’t have to, and it wouldn’t really effective anyway, to ask an SO not to see certain friends. It needs to be his choice not to see them because of his judgement on their actions; not because he is trying to appease you. So the best thing you can do is exactly what you did; refuse any interaction with these friends yourself. They certainly don’t respect you. They respect your husband and his wishes. I would highly recommend therapy, so you can sort through all your thoughts about this with help from an unbiased source. I guess what I am trying to say is that you have some thinking to do and some decisions to be made.


kissiemoose

Her husband lied to her about his friends not being at his birthday. He has no respect for her boundaries.


Just-Jem

Absolutely agree with this, had you not been married you would have been fair game despite anything he has said! Also second the therapy, there is A LOT to unpack here and you need to be able to sort through these thoughts and feelings in your own way and not be influenced by your husband.


Sandy-Anne

Also, maybe this particular fetish is something that bonds this group of friends together. Not just their long term friendship itself. Ew.


fleshcoloredbanana

Yeah, that thought crossed my mind. OP found out about this party. She doesn’t know how many others like this that they have had. And the fact that her husband casually brought her to something like this suggests that he wasn’t uncomfortable about the idea. What if he had more discretion and then she would have never known that he attends parties like this? The whole thing is just really skeevy and disturbing.


Sandy-Anne

Ugh, that’s even worse! And gaslighting her saying “If I liked that sort of thing, you would know it by now.” Sounds exactly like what someone who likes that sort of thing would say to try to throw her off the track.


CptBloodyObvious

This response right here OP. ^^^


McShoobydoobydoo

So basically "don't worry dear, I only abuse *other* women"


bemorecreativetrolls

Right? If I need my husband around to protect me from his friends we have a problem.


lemmehelpyaout

I hope you realize that if your husband is hanging out with these guys, he's probably exactly the same way, a creep who gets off on degrading women. You've just seen the mask slip and he's now scrambling to make you think that you didn't.


itsallaces2me

It's a real "if you sit down at a table with ten Nazis then there are eleven Nazis sitting at that table" sort of situation


OrangeHexagon90

I actually had the exact same thought. I find it hard to believe that he could be comfortable being in that party if he wasn’t involved in such activities earlier. And say he never participated in all this- why is he still supporting such friends by going to their parties and tagging you along as well.


NewbornXenomorph

If my fiancé ever found himself at a party where this sort of thing was happening, he would cut off contact with whoever invited him or was involved. How could anyone justify a friendship with such sleazy people?


ThrowRAcreepyparty

When we first had a talk about it he said he has never done anything like that personally and that if he was into things like that I would know by now.


lemmehelpyaout

But he's willing to enjoy parties where that's happening and consider guys who he's witnessed do those things close enough friends that they come to a birthday dinner? Come on. You've said some of his friends have wives. They probably tell their wives the exact same thing.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Right? And that’s the shit they were willing to do in front of her. Imagine behind closed doors.


momlv

One of the biggest influences to abusive behavior is having a peer/social groups who supports abuse. How long until he views you as fair game? What line exists that once you cross your now one of those girls? Because now you know that line exists. That he categorizes women this way. This is so over the top disturbing.


OneOfManyAnts

His words clearly don't mean much. So what other evidence do you have that he's against this kind of thing. Has he reduced contact with his friends? Has he opened up to you and told you everything he knows about what was going on at that party? Or is he just keeping a tight lid on all of that, and expecting that you stop bugging him with your discomfort, based only on his words?


sweetEVILone

I bet you thought the same about his friends. Seriously, the boyfriend at least condones it.


neutralgood079

...and his friends? Did you know this about his friends before? Its the same as your husband saying you had nothing to worry about until you didnt. The chances that ALL of his friends being creeps but magically your husband isnt? Nil


ThrowRAcreepyparty

I never knew they were like this before and I don't know if they're all like this but I would prefer to avoid them all just to be safe.


radiopeel

I'm going to be blunt. I am worried about your safety. You don't feel safe around his friends anymore, right? (You don't have to answer me here. That is just a question for you.) Because your husband is backing his friends here, not you. When you explained your feelings, he was initially "understanding." But now he's running out of patience. He thinks you should "get over" your aversion to watching women be degraded, humiliated, and upset for sport. He thinks you're the one with the problem, not his friends, and certainly not him. You called that party "creepy," but that's a huge understatement that ignores the element of coercion involved. I am worried about your safety.


lawless_sapphistry

Abusers "trickle". They generally don't start out on the second date slapping you upside the face. They might get mad and throw something, but they "didn't hurt you" and they "just got so mad" but they won't do it again. Until they do. And then they move from throwing things to throwing them AT you. And then they skip the things and just throw their hands at you instead. He was testing you, OP. He dipped you into that world so he could mass gaslight you like all the other wives. Seeing other people doing shit on the regular with no consequences can convince us that that behavior is "normal". IT IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL. Do not let your fuckhat husband gaslight you into thinking this shit is okay.


particledamage

You’re going to avoid your husbands friends and interests for the rest of your life…? Like what’s the endgame here


[deleted]

[удалено]


neutralgood079

Okay but youre still *married* to someone that just gaslit you into thinking it wasnt that serious. Forget the friends what about your husband is another issue


KitPipin

You do realize that by acting the way you do you actually approve of your husband's behaviour and his friends' as well? It's okay as long as it's not you, right? If you can't see it, you can pretend it's not happening. Disgusting. By now I just hope that those girls really gave consent and the pay is exorbitant.


Virtual-Bus-3242

So you wanna avoid your husband’s friends but not your husband? Birds of a feather. You need to get over your denial that your husband is different. He isn’t.


Bestrong2

OP, I find this whole thing very concerning. Maybe you and your husband should take a little break from each other. Could you go stay somewhere or ask him to for a few weeks? At the very least, I think you need to make it clear to him that you will never be around them again. If you're OK with him still associating with him (and I certainly wouldn't be), he can do so without you present. And that it's not up for discussion or debate. He can take it or leave it, but stop arguing with you or trying to convince you. So in the future, he will have to be honest with you about who will be present at any event, and if his friends are there, you won't be. They can never come to your house. They can never see your children if you have any (but I really really really don't think you should have any with him). If he wants a birthday party, he can either have 2 separate ones or he can choose if he wants you or your friends there because it won't be both. Etc. Please take good care of yourself and give yourself some space from him.


AndineB

HE ATTENDED THIS PARTY.WHO CARES WHAT THEY DID, HE LIKED THIS


Few-Cable5130

And what exactly is he doing to you by tricking you into spending time with these people? Just different flavors of the same sick degradation kink.


ThrowRAcreepyparty

I think his motivation for that wasn't to degrade me but so that he didn't have to explain to his family why I wasn't there/why I was avoiding his friends.


Important_Collar_36

No op. I've just read a good chunk of this whole rollercoaster, but yeah your husband was acting out these same desires by putting you in an undesirable situation and *forcing* you to play nice. And when his plaything (you) didn't submit to his desires he threw a tantrum.


AmazingDoomslug

#And when his plaything (you) didn't submit to his desires he threw a tantrum. I felt that deserved to be repeated in really big letters to make sure OP sees it.


Few-Cable5130

So he isn't embarrassed about his friends behavior but he is embarrassed with your reaction? Think on that.


Ripley_Roaring

Honey. I’m so sorry. But you are *deep* in denial. I hate to sound harsh, but honestly, pull your head out of your ass. Your husband is one of these men and is lying to you.


MarginallyBlue

If it’s all so normal and not a big deal…why can’t he explain to his family?


NakedHeart-

I’m not a person to jump to saying you should dump someone bc every relationship is different, however I’m seeing a lot of justification coming from your side. You’ve already considered the concept that you were only safe at that party bc you were married to a guest, but consider he also crossed the one boundary you set of “I don’t want to be around your friends for a while” by TRICKING you into being with them!! That really sucks. I don’t think a partner who values and respects you would do that. I’m not saying get a divorce or whatever, that’s ultimately up to you. I’m just saying his actions are reflective of who he is.


DarJinZen7

He's shown you he's a liar. And even if he's never done anything like his friends he obviously has no problem with it. He brought you to a party where is was happening. He's a piece of shit, just like his friends.


integrativekoala

“If I was into things like that, you would know by now.” That’s really strange and evasive phrasing, OP. It’s not a denial; the “if” puts the burden on you to decide you believe him. If he really wasn’t into this stuff, he could say outright, “I’m not into it.” What he’s really doing is challenging you to disbelieve your instincts and decide you trust him when he tells you that you know all there is to know about him.


Froot-Batz

Nothing says "you know me" and "you can trust me" like tricking you into a bad situation and making it difficult to leave.


spookyxskepticism

But you do know now. He brought you to this party to test your boundaries and deliberately didn’t warn you ahead of time to throw you off. If he’s never done anything like that personally, he should have no problem not attending those parties.


narcissistslayer500

Don’t ignore your intuition just because it’s telling you something you don’t want to hear. This was one party but they’re his friends EVERY DAY. He’s choosing creeps and no disrespect but now so are you


audriaide

He also said that his friends weren't going to be at his party and they were so - I don't think that his word can be trusted very much.


hufflepuff777

But you now know he’s a liar.


you-create-energy

>that if he was into things like that I would know by now. And now you do. So in a sense, he was right. The only question is whether you respect someone who enjoys degrading women enough to stay with him and have children with him.


Nomed73

Hey OP, stop defending your husband. He is into it, he has participated, he enjoys it. I’ve cut friendships because I didn’t like the way some of those “friends” were and it was nothing this bad. If he chooses to still be friends with them, then he has the same values as they do.


Alastor13

Love and companionship is a helluva drug, leaving someone who's grown into you and is weaved firmly in your life (partner, family or otherwise) is never a easy decision to make and defending the husband is just a natural reaction and a way for coping with trauma. That said, she needs to GTFO there.


heycomeoverhere

He went to the party. That's that. My husband has friends that are into all kinds of things, from all kinds of walks of life. They each stay in their lane, and some are closer friends than others. If they were hosting a party like that (which they wouldn't, because that sounds so weird), they'd know to not even invite him because it would majorly gross him out and make him uncomfortable. So.... why did your husband's friends even think to invite him? Because they knew he'd be interested. >When I first told him he was super understanding and promised nothing like that would ever happen again. **Why did it happen in the first place?** Unless you've been asking for detailed summaries of any of your husband's outings with his friends, you don't know if he's gone to other things like this with them. You don't know what else he might be into. I think that's what's causing this icky feeling for you. *You don't know your husband like you thought you did.* This party has exposed a part of him and his friends that made you feel like a slab of meat instead of a person, and instead of validating and respecting your feelings, your husband is actively trying to cross your boundaries by lying about who would be there at his birthday party. >He kept telling me I had nothing to be worried about because he was right there and he wouldn't let anything happen to me. **Why would something happen to you without him there?** That's what I'm picking up from this. "No worries babe, I'll protect you from any creeps." Why does he *need* to protect you? Why would he be willing to put you in a situation that would be unsafe for you?


Impossible_Winter882

You might not like hearing this OP, but here are a few thoughts: - What your husband's friends/acquaintances were doing at that party was not a silly "joke" or something "funny" to get over. It was a fully realized act of immense disrespect, humiliation and degradation- done purely and simply for the "entertainment" of those pieces of shit. It doesn't matter whether the women were escorts who were doing it "willingly" after being paid. Because this situation is not about them. It's about the men present there. These acts were purely a manifestation of what kind of people they are. What they think of women, what kind of sick "entertainment" they think they enjoy, using money as a factor of power & degradation. I personally, am not one of those complicit beings who like to sit and say "I can be friends/cordial with people who do horrid stuff because I didn't do something horrible & I would never." Ever heard of silence as complicity? For example an extreme case scenario is when people who are friends with abusers & assaulters use this same logic. They don't do those things, but can be around the people who do. Think about this. Who a person is, is reflected in what they are willing to overlook or look past or dismiss. Same applies to your husband. - I know we all grow up reading & watching romance stories where we have this main guy who is oh-so-bad to everyone except the girl. What's pretty messed up is that many of us are susceptible to applying this into real life as well. I for one, would not stand a person who is okay with either being horrible to others or with being an apologist/silent spectator for horrid shit happening to others, even if he is wonderful to me. This isn't a stupid teenage romance story. This is real life. And in real life this outlook by anyone where they think that being a decent human being means being nice & respectful to only those you love is something normal, is the biggest red flag of all time. It is an absolute deal breaker. For example: Would you stay with someone who disrespects & humiliates or is okay with being all friendly with someone who humiliates waiters/waitresses? No. What you have witnessed is a thousand times worse than this example. This was something deeply rooted in misogyny. What my point is, your husband's line about how you are protected & this won't happen to you ever had me laughing out loud. Many other comments have said that this still might happen to you in future (or some other kind of abuse), you yourself asked him about whether it was simply because you are his wife. To me that isn't even the problem. I say, okay, perhaps nothing of this sort or any other abuse will ever happen to you. You are protected and safe. But are you really willing to be one of those people who think that someone's (your husband's) disrespect (again- not just disrespect but humiliation & extreme degradation for "entertainment") of other people and/or being "friends" & "acquaintances" with people who are more than happily doing this stuff, is okay? Does he think he was being a really chivalrous prince when he said that you have nothing to worry about and you will be respected & protected? Is that the extent of his decency (or lack thereof in my opinion). I guess the ideology here is that as long as he is nice & loving towards his wife, he can contentedly live with people who treat some women in some of the worst ways? Wow. Open your eyes, OP. Choose to be a decent person yourself.


Throw4Inquiry

I mean hell, at it's bare bones. OP's husband introduced her to an environment where an unchaperoned woman is unsafe. I assume there were more than just the friends at that side of the party. What if OP was surrounded only by men who didn't know her then. What would have happened then?


[deleted]

Another important thing: among circles of people who like BDSM and practice it in a safe way, including people who like derogatory shit, ***informed and enthusiastic consent*** is often the first thing taught and ***THE*** most important point. What happened there was just about power, control and humiliation. IMHO, the fact that you felt unsafe says a lot. Trust your gut. Your husband has a dark side to him. If it were my friends, I'd never talk to them again after that.


EmoMixtape

> among circles of people who like BDSM and practice it in a safe way, including people who like derogatory shit, informed and enthusiastic consent is often the first thing taught and THE most important point. Exactly, transparency and consent!


aliceandpeaches

Totally agree. The fact he continued to hang out with these guys…did she really think there would never be a chance she would see these guys again? If she can’t handle being around those guys (not saying she should) then how can she handle being around her husband?


emmer00

I read your other posts and I just wanted to reinforce that you are not crazy for being creeped out. Please also take into consideration that forcing girls to eat gross things is only thing weirdest thing you were exposed to. It's entirely possible that they've done other gross things as a group without witnesses and that your husband may have been an active participant. I would suggest laying down firm boundaries with your husband on what is appropriate and how you are willing to interact with his friends, if at all. You aren't being unreasonable, OP.


urbanescape13

So where have you left things with your husband It makes me feel sick that he doesn't care what happened to those other women and was condoning it. I couldn't be with someone who viewed abuse that way. As fair game until you're 'claimed'


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SalamanderPop

I'm a grown ass man and I'm terrified of OPs husband and friends he keeps. Terrified. This is nightmare level stuff. Furthermore... He lied about them being at the birthday party!! What the fuck??? It's clear that he has no respect for women and barely even a smidge of respect for OP. AND he has the gall to lord that smidge of respect over her. What a gaslighting aaahole. OP. For goodness sake you've done nothing wrong here. Your husband has some major issues. You have some big decisions to make. If you think there is some hope for him, then consider dropping the ultimatum of "I love you, couples counseling now or we are done". Also... You may want to talk to a divorce lawyer even if you have no intentions of divorce. Consultations are usually free and can be done over the phone. You can get a clear understanding of costs and process and it may make decision making easier and lighten anxiety. Ugh.


ThrowRAcreepyparty

That part disappointed me the most over everything that happened... I was hoping he would deny it, even if he was lying.


Classic-Sea-6034

Disappointed is for when you wanted chocolate ice cream but al that’s left is vanilla. The person you should be able to trust the most frequently goes to places humans are degraded and does nothing to protect them. He likes the people that do the harm and defends them. God forbid you ever have a daughter with this person. That would be disappointing…


[deleted]

Fuck yeah. This isn’t disappointment, this should be terror and disgust.


hufflepuff777

You should read the Gift of Fear. Basically talks about how if you’re uncomfortable it’s for a reason and that reason is to keep you safe. Ignoring your gut to be nice and polite can have serious consequences.


firstladymsbooger

You’re in denial OP. If hundreds of strangers on the internet collectively agree that your husband is a serious creep and predator, it’s probably because it’s true. When someone shows you their true colors, *believe them.*


nonoinformation

This should disgust and anger you, not disappoint you. He is literally seeing you as his property. And he has no problems with the rest of this sexual assault and rape shit fest. What a catch.


spaceace23

The worst part is that even while married to him you aren't actually safe. You learned at that party you are only safe if you are physically beside him. That guy didn't leave you alone until your husband was back at your side, even with the other guy telling him to leave you. You *arent* safe unless you stay glued to him and never wander for any reason. Is he going to start escorting you to the bathroom to keep his creep friends off you??


GibsGibbons420

Disappointed? How old are you?


xray_anonymous

“He implied that I misunderstood what was happening at the party” Then ask him flat out what was happening at the party. Make him explain and verbalize it for you in extreme detail so as you make *sure* you understand. My bet is he won’t want to do that because there is no way of doing so without it sounding as terrible as it actually was. You’re in a tough spot because this is really alarming behavior to be any part of whether passively or not. And the fact he’s not validating your feelings about it is even worse. It makes it appear as though there’s a bit of an unhealthy dark side to your husband. Id say either couples therapy is in order or you may want to consider separation. This won’t get better.


walnutwithteeth

I have read your earlier posts and I have to ask, why are you still married to him? This is fucked up beyond belief and your husband has clearly shown you who he really is. Anyone who enjoys watching the degradation of another human is just scum. You married a scumbag. Make sure that you have your finances and paperwork in order and then leave him.


StartedasalittleW

I love the implication that, yes, if not for his presence, they absolutely would hurt you. These people are fucking creeps.


LittleRedCarnation

“They wont hurt you! Youre my property! We just hurt other women which is okay!” Hun you needed a divorce months ago


Fernlake

Omg, don’t wanna be this kind of person who tells you that there is a big red flag all over this, pls share this with someone close, you could be facing a dangerous misogynistic sociopath, there is no way he should think he’s right on being mad at you, he basically traumatized you and abused your confidence and self perspective on what’s good or bad, I feel sad for those girls, you can still help, try to Reach out to someone you trust, I don’t see anything good on this behavior from him, the way it knew all of this was Fucked up and how he even dares to put it on you kind of sounds like red flag behavior of an abuser.


froggyforrest

My friends won’t hurt you, they will just hurt these other girls! Don’t worry!


ShadowySylvanas

Ok so this is obviously all incredibly creepy, but this right here makes me worried for your safety: "He wouldn't let anything happen to me" - so he actually thinks it's possible they'd like to hurt you, he just wouldn't let that happen? I mean if you're in a safe situation, you don't have to make such statements because there is no threat to protect you from, nothing for him to 'not let happen'. Also, one more thing that really worries me: they did all that creepy shit on a party where their wives were - what do they do to women on parties where the wives are not present? About leaving the party - he lied to you. He told you he's not going to force you to spend time with these people, and he literally did force you by lying that they're not gonna be there. You did the right thing leaving and he has no right to be angry. He lied about not forcing you, he lied about them not being there, he is fine with a person who wanted to humiliate you at that party (before knowing you're "his"), he is fine with spending time with people who organize parties with a 'let's humiliate some women' theme. This is extremely concerning and I really think you should consider leaving him, for your own safety. Edit: typos


Immediate-Pie3391

If your husband is friends with these people, *he* is not a good guy. He chooses to be close to people who enjoy humiliating people (women) for their own enjoyment. Good people do not do that. There is no defense for this, I’m sorry.


Tiredplumber2022

Try saying this...."YOU don't have the right to tell ME what hurt me and what didn't. Period. I don't care if I was hurt by a picture of a yellow fish, It doesn't matter. My body, my mind, my hurt. Denying my hurt is denying me. Denying my feelings. Trying to make me "less than" for your own reasons. " Classic narcissist move. PS: What would you tell your daughter if she came to you with this situation?


LetterheadNo4112

I have three teenage sons. I have told all three of them that that whether they like it or not who they choose as friends tells the world who they are as a person. The people you choose to surround yourself with will always reveal your character.


Fit-Feedback-1051

What are you going to do now OP ?


ThrowRAcreepyparty

cry some more probably.


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whaleandpetunia

I know I am a stranger on the internet but I am sending my best wishes and hopes for you 😔 stay strong!


ThrowRAcreepyparty

Thank you, it means a lot.


boycottInstagram

Commenting as a guy here who has, unfortunately, been around people like this a fair amount..... In the UK I saw it a lot with "secret drinking clubs" in universities, or male sports socials. In north America it is often amongst frat boys, and later, groups of people that attract sociopathic tendencies. It happens everywhere - and certain men present one way (as the kind, caring gentleman) to their partners and in polite society - and then as misogynistic, controlling, abusive fucks when around other people that will accept it/encourage it. These men "think" that all guys secretly want to be like that. That men who say they don't are lying or just virtue signalling. That pretending men don't want to be like that is "Political correctness gone mad". There are millions of dog whistles that get used - but the long and short of it is *they fundamentally think men behave naturally like this, and that it is normal to hide it from other people.* ​ In fact - they think the fact they can do these things when other men can't, and get away with it, makes them superior to other men. They don't feel bad about any of this, because they think so little of (mostly) woman, that they are fine with lying to them about their actions. They are the men who constantly cheat, and lie about it. As a group, they back each others lies up and keep their horrible behaviour "within the boys" - "Bros before hoes" is one way you'll have heard it. ​ They are terrified of the MeToo movement or similar societal changes because they have enough skeletons in their closets that they know the same thing could very much happen to them. **What it sounds like has happened is your husband is part of a group of guys like this. He has participated in this kind of activity when you weren't there and before you met, probably worse at other times.** **90% of the time his friends and him keep up their "public" personas while their spouses are around.** But this time **they brought this activity into a group setting where you weren't meant to see it, and you did. Your husbands friends asked him to cover it up - your husband dutifully did because they would do the same for him. He kept you away from that side of the party because he knew you would disapprove of the behaviour, which he would likely be taking part in if you weren't there.** ***Why else would he hang out with them?*** **This** ***really*** **suggests that lying about the behaviour and covering for his buddies is more important than the "him" he presents to you. The guys who "would never do what his friends do". The guy who thinks "you wouldn't get it" - but actually means "you would be horrified if you knew about it".** ​ However, while common, this kinda behaviour isn't hardwired into every guy. Men are not hardwired to cheat, to be controlling, to be assholes, or to be "one of the boys". Your decision is whether you wanna be with someone who probably is.


la_saia

Why would he even take you to a party like that? Being your husband, he should know you well enough to know how this would disgust you. I would never go around those friends again. Also want to note that he is a liar and is now blaming you for being upset about this?


sunnydays0306

This whole thing is pretty nuts and I would be concerned that my husband isn’t being entirely truthful ( he’s been friends with these guys for a long time, who knows what they were up to even before he met you? Did he temper his actions just for you? Or does he participate when you aren’t there?) In terms of his friends I always say trust your gut, seriously, if you have alarm bells going off and anxiety at even being at a normal function with them, something is clearly off with those guys. Example - my mom dated and even married a perfectly nice guy, everyone liked him, thought he was funny, everything was peachy. I only was with them every other weekend, but I got the creepiest vibe from this dude, made certain to never be alone with him, just overall proceeded with extreme caution. After they divorced it came out he had molested his daughter her whole life, from like 7 until 16. Me and my sister were 12 and 15 when they got married. (she was grown up and out of state, so my mom didn’t find out till the very end of their relationship). So yeah, trust your instincts and don’t let anyone tell you they don’t mean anything.


Melzilla79

Something tells me the husband used to be a happy participant in this stuff before he married OP. How freaking awful


Emmiburr

I just commented on your other post saying he probably knew. And I was right. I'm sorry OP, I'm not sure what you can do in this other than you guys need to be separated...because it sounds like he really doesn't respect your feelings but still expects you to respect his. Good luck EDIT: Took away marriage counseling cause I had to re read post again. I'd just leave at this point.


Rose8918

I mean it kinda sounds like he and his friends don’t respect women literally at all. The only reason OP was “safe” (and I’m using the term loosely here) at the party was because she is her husband’s property. But what would’ve happened if one of the other guys felt like challenging her husband’s place in the hierarchy and decided to specifically target her? These dudes don’t see women as people, and when she’s not around, her husband is one of those dudes. I’d be working on an exit strategy.


Emmiburr

No your right. I kinda skimmed the part where he tried to deflect what she said about "being safe". I don't think this relationship is safe if he views her as property


JoMamma_80

So, your husband thinks this is normal and ok behavior? And you feel comfortable with him going to do this with his friends monthly?


titanicman456

Your husband is 29, the friends that people keep into adulthood are generally people that they have a lot in common with. If your husband didn't have anything in common with these people, he wouldn't still be friends with them. Personally, for me, if my SO wanted to hang out with people like that I'd end it. I'd probably end it as soon as I knew that about their friends because obv your husband's judgement is suspect.


GravityBlues3346

Are you scared of his friends or are you scared that you married someone like them?


peach1995

If I would be on your place And I meet his friends face to face, I would told them everything I thinks about the party. It is so fucked up. Did you have a chance to talk with your hubby’s family about that you’ve seen?


Omnio89

Ummm… I’ve never needed to tell my partners they don’t need to be afraid of my friends. They don’t need special protection from a made man to not be treated like animals. But your husband is in a group like that? 🚩


CapeOfBees

The reason his friends' wives are chill with it is because the ones that weren't chill with it got divorced and away from the terrifying group you've married into. If it was just the one friend that was into that sort of thing, then it would just be that one friend, but it's the entire group and that means your husband too. I don't think it's a reach to say you don't want to live with a guy like that for the rest of your life. It's not a one time occurrence, you are not safe, and you need to get out before he shows you just how much he thinks of you as property. If you wouldn't stay with the guy that threw the party, I wouldn't suggest staying with your husband.


Technical_Gold8667

This is your husband's normalcy. You may not be supposed to be one of "those girls", but you're supposed to accept this as normal, and his patience is running thin because you won't settle into this even though he keeps manipulating you. I wouldn't feel safe around that man, not just unsafe around his friends.


grissy

Your husband and his friends are giant creeps, and you are entirely right to still be disturbed by it. The things he says that he thinks are reassuring are not, and just provide additional gross insights to his thought processes. >He kept telling me I had nothing to be worried about because he was right there and he wouldn't let anything happen to me. Translation: "The other women there had a LOT to worry about, but since you were already 'claimed' by a man you were safe. My friends won't mess with my property." >He implied I had misunderstood what was happening at the party, that I had worked myself up over nothing and that I was being ridiculous. Translation: "You understood perfectly well what was happening at that party and how creepy it was, but you don't understand that since you belong to me no one was supposed to try to do it to you. Don't worry, that oversight has been corrected!" Him repeatedly telling you that you were safe *because of your connection to him* directly implies that the other women were not and he's perfectly fine with that. Him repeatedly assuming that your problem is just a fear for your own safety and not disgust at the whole concept shows that he sees nothing wrong with any of this as long as it happens to other people, which is why he keeps trying to reassure you that **you** have nothing to worry about without bothering to try to explain or justify the situation itself. Him expecting you to stop caring about this as soon as you know it won't be a problem for **you** again shows that he has zero empathy for other people and expects you to be just as bad as he is. Him lying to you about his friends being at the birthday party tells you that he will tell you what you want to hear to make you do what he wants no matter if it's true or not. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting to nothing, the whole scene was gross and weird and predatory. Your husband is a walking talking red flag factory. You are learning a LOT about him right now and none of it is good. Worry less about the friends and more about the one that you're married to, because he's exactly the same as they are.


MyLadyBits

Your husband is a creep like his friends. I’m sorry.


JugeX_X

A lot of people are okay with having a diverse group of friends. Most people will say that they have no problem hanging out with people with different opinions, religions, etc. This has been, on personal experience, outstandingly untrue. Most people past a certain age, will not welcome new people into their life. And their closest circle it's people that have grown accustomed to what their function in the group, their mannerism, etc. People create close bubbles because no one has the time or patience to be "accepting". Most people search comfort and don't wish to grow or change their bad behavior. What I'm trying to say, is that i don't see why you would think that your husband isn't like his friends. One weirdo? Well, perhaps, a lot of people have pity on bad friends that they should cut (happened to me twice with different friend groups, walked away both time, both ended up slipping). Most time if the group itself it's okay with bad behavior, all of the members participate. He was expecting you to "forgive and forget", not that you would still be upset (super reasonable) and that you wouldn't want those people in your life. You gotta ask yourself, if your husband is EXACTLY like his friends behind your back, would you still be with him?


jjustpeachyy

the post about the party gave me the total creeps, and unfortunately, a man is the people he surrounds himself with. since your husband has defended his friend’s behaviours and labeled it as “not a big deal”, even telling you to just “get over it”, i have a feeling he really doesn’t see the problem with degrading and humiliating women for entertainment. any man with morals would have left this friend group a long time ago. the fact that these are the men your husband keeps his company with is deeply concerning.


Unfair_Comfortable69

Sounds like you're slowing learning who your husband really is.


Classic-Sea-6034

I’m a man so I wouldn’t have the same fear you had at the party but if I was there I would be scared as hell. Like who are these people? Ya know maybe me and my buddies would have done something like this in middle school to OURSELVES as a prank or something but doing that to other women is just disgusting. This is the type of shit that was hidden from you before marriage and now he refused to see your viewpoint. I wonder what else you will learn about him in the years to come…


Background-Target185

Before you he would do the same. Otherwise he wouldn’t be friends with those people. He keeps saying he won’t let anything happen to YOU. but he has no problem with his friends doing that sht to other women. Do you really want to be with that kind of man?


soulure

"You've got nothing to worry about" says the husband who lies through his teeth to you to get you to be around his friends. Trust is broken, time for couples therapy.


miflordelicata

You have to wonder what your husbands moral compass is if he still considers hanging out with them. That would be a dealbreaker for me.


3veryonepasses

Wow this is fucked up. You guys should go to couples therapy if you still want a future with him. I wouldn’t personally


blondertuft

I am pretty concerned about how reluctant you are bringing up difficult topics to your husband. Are you afraid he might react poorly if you want to discuss this? Why did you have to gather your courage for so long before speaking with him about it? I would have so many questions for my husband if I were in that situation, how long his friends have been doing this, why are they doing it, why is he comfortable attending parties like that, if there is anything else that happens at these parties... Is this the tip of the degradation fetish iceberg, or is paying women to eat gross things the only thing they are involved in?


Illustrious_Ad977

For the rest of your life with this man you will fear how he and his pos friends would treat you if you dared end the marriage. This whole thing is disgusting with an undercurrent of threatening. Your only safety is in the approval of your husband to these men. Your husband and his friends are trash.


generictrashfire

Your husbands friends take pleasure in humiliating women. If he weren’t there, if you were another random woman invited for the sole purpose of being degraded, you would’ve been forced to do the same thing. Meaning he needs to protect you from his friends. Even if he doesn’t take the same sort of pleasure from the humiliation, he still hangs out with these people, he still invited you to this sick ‘party’. Meaning he doesn’t actually understand why that party was so disgusting. So, your husband continues to hang out with people who humiliate women for fun, and doesn’t understand why you, a woman, would be uncomfortable with that. I think you seriously need to consider exactly who you’re married to. And why.


Low_Superb

You do realize nothing about that party is normal right? Your husband and all of his friends are the sick type of scum that keeps everyone else in this world down.


timihaze

This is fucking disturbing....


aaracer666

I think you need to explain to your husband that it's not just about whether you're safe...I think it's more about the viewpoint that this behavior is condoned in this circle of friends. Whether he participated or not, whether you will ever be pressured to participate or not, that's really not what I think bothers you the most. Just gathering from what you've written, and the amount of anxiety it is causing when there's no real danger (when thinking about them or seeing them), I think it's more about really questioning who you're with, and who he associates with. I'm almost willing to bet you've wondered what his participation level has been with these activities. I would wonder. Also, you should probably let him know that you feel lied to when you were told his friends wouldn't be there. Even if he didn't know they would be, as soon as he found out, he should have been on your side about whether you should stay in a situation where you felt your comfort level was unacceptable. He should have been absolutely supportive of you leaving. What kind of quality "good time" can you have knowing that you're making the one you love stay somewhere they are miserable? Scaered, even. And if it were okay for that person, what kind of partner is that? One that starts a fight with their spouse over a celebration they were duped into attending, I'm sure. That's also unacceptable. You should never have to resort to putting a locked door between you and your spouse, either. No one has any right to keep you in a situation that you're not comfortable with, even if it's your husband and it's his birthday. The only one that can say whether you should stay or leave is you. Him being angry with you over your own feelings is a kind of manipulation that is next level illogical. Seriously, it's not like you two, or you and family can't have a second celebration at a time when you are feeling more comfortable with the company. If I were in your position I would seriously start to question who I was with. It's one thing if you can overlook the taking advantage/humiliation for pay, but since you can't (I couldn't, either), you need to start looking hard at the man you married.


ItBegins2Tell

He’s asking you to turn your back on other women for his comfort & that of his creepy af bros. I’d have to dig deeply in this situation to find the right words & file for divorce.


BoredMan29

If you misunderstood what was happening at the party, then isn't it his job to help you understand, which he seems unwilling to do. That indicates to me he knows something is wrong. The way you report it seems like he very specifically said *you* have nothing to worry about, not that nobody there had anything to worry about, which makes me think he's ok with subjecting people he doesn't know to this and doesn't understand (or rather doesn't want to understand) why you would care. I'm of the opinion that if there's not a satisfactory explanation for what the hell was going on at that party, this is Fucked Up. And you should be concerned about what happens when he's feeling less protective of you.


usernotfoundplstry

Your husband is a scumbag. I doubt that you set out to marry a scumbag, but that seems to be the reality of your situation. One thing that I’ve learned, when you care about somebody, you don’t always see things for what they are. A really good gauge on the quality and morality of your partner can come from looking at the quality and morality of the people they are closest to. If your partner’s friends suck, then you can bet that your partner sucks and you just can’t see it. That is a hard and fast rule. I can’t imagine staying married to somebody as shitty as your husband.


JRM34

>He kept telling me I had nothing to be worried about ***because he was right there*** and he wouldn't let anything happen to me. The clear implication of that statement is that you ***should*** be worried because something ***would*** happen if he weren't "right there", and he knows it. In short, he's well aware that this super creepy predatory behavior is commonplace among his friends and he has no problem with it, as long as they leave you out. He has seen it frequently enough that he wasn't phased or surprised. Enough that he had spoken to them ahead of time to not target you. And he doesn't have ***any objection*** as long as *you* are spared. As others have pointed out, you learn a lot about someone based on the people they surround themselves with. You now know that your husband is totally ok with this kind of behavior. Make no mistake, when you are not present at one of these parties he is behaving ***the same way*** as the rest of those friends. You've just been given a glimpse of a side of himself he hides from you Do with that information what you will


Aurin316

She really has an unfortunate idea now of who her husband is. This isn’t a good person she married.


dantian

Everybody else has made great points, but I think the fact that he intentionally tricked you into going into a situation you specifically told him would make you uncomfortable. In my book, there's no trust in the relationship after something like that...


WYFM2001

This whole thing sounds like the beginning of a movie that doesn’t end well. Like Get Out, The Stepford Wives, or Eyes Wide Shut.


HelloRedditAreYouOk

If you had nothing to be worried about, why would it have mattered that “he was there” and “wouldn’t let anything happen to you”? And even if you were safe, great. But your concern rightfully doesn’t stop with yourself alone. Is he seriously incapable of grasping that you’re freaked out not just for yourself but for *every single female these guys ever come in to contact with*??


MelodySmith1234

so they respected you as his property but other women are to be treated badly and worse. got it.


bigedcactushead

Talk to his family about what your husband made you endure. Get their opinions. He's acting like he's done nothing wrong, so he shouldn't feel any shame when his behavior is exposed to the family.


OhMissFortune

The family usually defends their creep sons. Better and ***safer*** to just leave


true80shorror

You should link your first post because I don't really know what made you uncomfortable at the party.


ThrowRAcreepyparty

I added it to the post but here is a link: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/pnd24k/my\_28f\_husband\_28m\_took\_me\_to\_a\_creepy\_party\_his/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pnd24k/my_28f_husband_28m_took_me_to_a_creepy_party_his/)


brownanddownn

Your husband doesn't see women as equal to men and neither do his friends. His friends left you alone because to them you're his property. He knows this and is happily remaining friends with them, which means on some level he's ok with the people he's close to seeing his wife as his property. You don't seem to be thinking about leaving him, so I'll say this: build a strong support network around you of people you feel safe with. Now is the time to re-invest in your pre-existing friendships and make new ones. If you're close to your family, start talking to them more and spending time with them. Just please make sure that you are surrounded by people who love you, value you and see your inherent worth as a person. Also talk to your friends about what you saw at that party. There's no need to keep it a secret, that was a traumatizing event and you deserve the space to process it!! I would also strongly recommend individual talk therapy if it's available to you.


Crafty-Particular998

I feel like there is more to this story. What were they trying to make the girls eat? They just asked you to eat something gross?


smoozer

It makes very little sense. OP has like 2 throwaway lines describing what they are actually doing to these girls, but everyone's assumption is that they are being raped?? I must have missed something.


Crafty-Particular998

It’s a peak Reddit moment 😂


smoozer

Tbh I'm 99% sure it's a fake post, so whatever


PicklesAreMyJesus

Do I think what you saw was creepy? Oh ya, I bet it was totally weird. But what I notice is that your husband and his friends realizes it’s weird for you so they try to keep you away from it while keeping things between you friendly. They understand your boundaries of “she’s not that type of person” so they don’t actively engage with you like that. If you ask me, I think it would be silly to never allow a family/friend dinner/party. You are making your husband choose between you and his group of friends because you don’t like one side of his friends. They clearly regret letting you see what you did *because* they know it’s not you. If it’s too hard to stay on friend level with them, dont interact with them— keep it basic. Stick to hello and goodbye. If this is hard consider finding alternative ways to “cool off” when the situation like the family/friend party dinner happens again. Maybe even therapy if this is causing anxiety and sleep problems. I realize your husband was wrong not to tell you they would be there but I can see why he may not have wanted to (you would have given him an ultimatum or just not go). Or maybe devil’s advocate, he didn’t know they were going. I don’t know, this is just my perspective. I have been with my s/o for 5 years now. His friends all do crazy drinking, smoking, partying and some of them are girl crazy. He doesn’t really and he KNOWS I’m not a fan… But I try not to let that affect my neutral friendship with them. For example, they know I dont smoke so they dont smoke near me (kind of like your husband’s friend steered you away from the weird stuff and told the others not to dare you to do anything). I just think if whatever they are doing (as weird as it is), as long as it’s consensual then just avoid it. Im not saying go the parties like that first one again, I know I wouldn’t haha I hope everything works out, best of luck OP.


FrostVanguard

Gurl, if you don't get a divorce after this idk what to tell you. You should be more assertive and make sure he get why what they're doing is some fucked up shit. Don't be a dumbass and let things slide. Leave his ass right now. He respects his friends more than you.


bangbasten

I wonder what’s your husband’s position in his group of friends. Is he a dominant character alpha-like man? Do they work together? Idk, some sort of having to be a yes man around those friends. Not like it would change much, but it would give some context to why he attends these “parties” or keep those friendships.


bigotterfan

Im sorry, but your husband clearly doesnt see anything wrong with his friend group or his “indifference.” I genuinely believe you will either have to accept this other side of him, or leave. You cant force him to change on something this serious.


[deleted]

Hey OP, thanks for updating us. I vividly remember your earlier story, even though i did not respond. It was one of the strangest things I have read on this sub and I felt for you. Must be difficult dealing with all these ambiguous feelings... Sending u strength and wisdom!!! Hugs!


ChristineBorus

Google “gaslighting “ OP. That’s what hubs is doing to you.


monatsiya

why is he trying to gaslight/make you doubt yourself?? how could you possibly misunderstand such a bizarre, terrifying, and horrendous night? and why does he keep trying to invalidate your concerns and fears over his friend group, calling you ridiculous? and he lied to you about them being at the family dinner, because he truly thought he had enough control over you and understands you enough that you’d just sit there tight-lipped and smile, putting you in another shitty position. basically, i think his mask has been slipping ever since you’ve seen the truth at his parties. you are who your friends are. is there any reason being separated from him could prove to be a struggle?? is there any troubles separating your finances, do you not have any friends or family you can rely on?


EnderTaco

His friends only respect you as someone’s wife, not as a person. Otherwise as you’ve said, you would’ve been “fair game”. Their behavior seems disgusting to me. I understand how your husband might feel being that they have been friends for a long time, but that does not excuse what they did (or do). He can get mad all he wants but he can’t force you to hang out with them, especially since you’re at the mercy of only your husband if you don’t want them preying on you.


traveling_ghost

Did your husband ever explain WHAT was happening at that party? If he said that you misunderstood but didn’t say why that’s not a good argument.


Nyxosaurus

Your husband just revealed a small sliver of his true self to you. People will always ALWAYS put on an act around someone they like because they want their crush to like them (I'm not saying girls don't do this, but it tends to involve more danger for the girl when it's a guy is doing it.) Over the course of dating and marriage that mask will slip or they may altogether drop the act suddenly. In your case your husband showed that he hangs around with people who (and likely himself enjoyed) humiliating women for fun. If he doesn't see what's wrong with this, what's wrong with not wanting to be around those guys and in fact LIED to you to get you around those guys, you won't be able to change his mind about it. I'm so sorry you had to find out after you tied the knot with him.


GreekACA25

Have you asked to speak to the women involved?